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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Peter is coming home tomorrow, and i am worried about living together again.

53 replies

misdee · 08/08/2006 16:53

its the big day tomorrow. after 14months of living 30miles apart and visiting him in hospital he is finally allowed to come home with the LVAD. but I am so so worried. I lvoe him, but can we survive living in this half-life any longer? I dont feel like a wife, i feel like a carer and mother. I dont feel appricated and loved. i am made to feel inadaquate as a carer by MIL snyway, and i am so so dreaded him coming home, as well as being over the moon sbout it.

just so so confused.

OP posts:
stleger · 08/08/2006 18:07

Good luck with it - it'll be a mixture of brilliand and scarey. I hope the transplant won't be too long, take care.

Sparkler1 · 08/08/2006 18:10

Hi Misdee

Wow - what a mixture of emotions you are going through right now. All sound perfectly normal to me.
I was about to post a suggestion and then noticed that Christie had beat me to it. Definitely try and get some time for just the two of you, can someone watch the children for you for a day/evening/overnight so you can share some special time together. Take one day at a time.
All the best. xxxx

bin · 08/08/2006 18:27

misdee, I hadn't realised what you have been going through so was a bit confused but now searched and see what you are referring to. Gosh, how you must be feeling I cannot begin to imagine but I feel for you I really do and wish you all well. As Christie has already said, Peter must be feeling nervous too and I wonder if for him just at the start of his return home, routine might help just if it is at all possible for you and just to start with just because that is familar and so might help him or maybe he would love to do away with routine to make him feel at home.

Is there no help in how to really adjust available for you all? Trouble is, often advice is boringly obvious and nothing that you haven't thought of already either that or it is totally impractical. Hopefully you will be able to talk about it between yourselves and hopefully your little one will adjust and help you all through this as little ones so often do. (thinking of different difficult times where my little ones have been the one thing that stop me from, well you don't need to hear that right now) I wish you all the best in the hope that that doesn't sound trivial from someone who cannot begin to comprehend what you are going through.

suejonez · 08/08/2006 18:31

My thoughts are with you misdee, another hurdle for you, hope this one goes as smoothly as possible. Good luck

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 18:34

thanks for all thw advice, where would i be without you all.

things will go very slowly, and its going to be hard. i have been living alone for over 14months, and fitting in trips to harefield i na 4hour slot between 10-2 for so so long now. i am actually going to have days where i have nothing planned!

Peters carers will be in every weekday between 4-7pm to help with dinnertime and bathtime. on a saturday i get 4hours to take the kids out as well. that will give us time to see a film or visit the local farm. peters mum+my parents are avaialble to help with the kids and/or peter as they are LVAD trained. Sparkly can possibly be persuaded to have all my horrors occasionally, tho i feel awful as i cant have her kids round here due to all the wires and tubing.

i am in all honesty, scared sh*tless over all this. its one thing dealing with it i na safe enviroment of the hospital with the VAD nurses close by, or wandering to the village, or even uxbridge as i know they are close by. But coming this far from the hospital scares me. And its all just temporaly as it will all change again once he gets his new heart.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 08/08/2006 18:52

It would scare the willies out of me too misdee. I have no experience, so can't offer any advice. But, like so many others, I'm rooting for you and your family.

jellyjelly · 08/08/2006 19:08

Its a step closer to him being better and that is too great for words, it willbe hard but it will be worth it, i say good luck to all of you.

aaronsmummy · 08/08/2006 19:20

All I can say hun is you are an amazing strong woman, you will cope with this as admirably as you all you have faced so far. There is light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you make a little time for you too even if it is just chat on MN. You are important too! Sending massive hugs xxxxxxxx

theladyvanishes · 08/08/2006 20:30

I know i don't know you but I have followed your posts misdee, look on it like new beginnings and just take each day at a time, he's probably apprehensive too, sit down and have a good chat once he's home about everything (if you are able too) and your MIL should realy be supporting you and helping out not making you feel inadequate.

proudofmyboobs · 08/08/2006 21:06

You're an amazing person and an example of what a devoted wife should be. If only half the people complaining about daft things would sit down and look around them, and think for one minute that people like you would just love their husband to be coming in and leaving mess everywhere, using every pan in the house to cook with, even just be able to turn his back on you in bed at night, surely that's better than your beloved Peter laying in a seperate bed 30miles away... I feel for you, and for Peter, normality as you know it now (ie: fitting harefield into 4hour slots) will all change and you know your life will never be the same again..

You will make it work because you have been through so much and you could have lost him, he will make it work as he could have been taken away from you and his girls, I know you both will be fine, as I say, a shining example to all couples who have been through a storm and make it off the boat at the other side.

Take care xx

Christie · 08/08/2006 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
misdee · 08/08/2006 21:43

oh proud, u make me sob.

[blubs]

OP posts:
swedishmum · 08/08/2006 21:43

Sounds so scary for both of you, but you are so fantastic to have got this far (both of you). I like the idea of bedtime story duty - are there other "jobs" he could do to feel less like a patient - peeling potatoes, labelling uniform, chopping salad... brushing the girls' hair? Maybe you need to do dates - an hour at first - where you can spend time together with a DVD and pizza without the kids around and no mention of illness? Waffling now. Good luck - you so so deserve it.

proudofmyboobs · 08/08/2006 21:46

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just meant that we want perfection whilst you just crave normality... It'll be fine, you'll see

HappyDaddy · 09/08/2006 10:48

I echo proudofmyboobs sentiments. Good luck misdee, you appear to be a very strong woman. Your family will be much closer because of all this, I think.

suejonez · 09/08/2006 10:57

its always scary when you come out of hospital away from the security of all those doctors and nurses. I didn't want to come home (despite having been desparate to get home until the point they discharged me) and I'd only had my gall-bladder removed FGS! Can't even begin to imagine how scary it must be in your position. But the imagining and anticipation are always worse than dealing with the reality, don't you think?

Good luck today.

Marina · 09/08/2006 10:58

What a lovely post proudofmyboobs
Can't add specifically to the great advice you've had here, misdee, but wishing you all the best for this latest stage in Peter's progress to recovery. What a fabulous wife you are and how lucky he is to have you. With MIL it is just the terror talking surely, try to be forgiving if you possibly can (the witch).

Bozza · 09/08/2006 10:58

Good luck misdee. I think the thing with DD3 is entirely normal at her age. My DD was like it and still is at 2.2. I was lying in DS's bed with him reading and in her desire to get closer to me than he was she came and sat on my head. And then when I asked if she was close enough (note to self: sarcasm doesn't work on a toddler) she said no.

I hope it works out for you. It must seem a bit daunting. Don't be afraid to take any offers of help that are available.

Marina · 09/08/2006 11:00

we have one of those too Bozza. I often wake in the night to find her draped over me in a very territorial fashion. You're right, it is normal for the age.

mullingitover · 09/08/2006 11:15

Hi misdee - I dont post here much at all - more of a lurker, but do follow your threads. Please dont worry - I am confident it will all be ok - the strength and love you have for Peter and your family is obvious in all your posts - this will work out for you all and you will be back into another routine soon enough.
Good luck today - I really hope it goes ok and that Peter soon gets that call.

VoltaireHadCheesyFeet · 09/08/2006 11:40

Hi Misdee,

Of course you are shit scared, who wouldn't be? It's a totally normal reaction to any change, especially when it's such a major one.

FWIW, I think that after a bit of a readjustment period you'll be living like you had always done it this way. I'm sure it was the same after a Peter had been in hospital for a while. The human body and psyche has an amazing capacity to readjust to new situations.

Just think of the time you will have now that you don't spend so much time either on the road or at hospital! This is the time that you will find to fit in your role as a carer.

As for your MIL, ignore her. Many people on here ignore theirs! You are Peter's wife and you and your dd's are his priority. She will have to readjust too.

Was there anyone who helped you out with childcare so you could go to Harefield? I'm sure that they wouldn't mind having them so that you and Peter can have some time alone together, which I'm sure you desperately need. Can you contact someone such as Homestart to help you around the house? I know they won't be able to help with Peter's care but they could help with general housework stuff. Use the time when LVAD trained carers are there to get out of the house or have a long soak in the bath when you know you won't be interrupted.

Best of luck hon.

frumpygrumpy · 09/08/2006 11:51

Misdee I'monly here for a second and haven't read the thread. My pc is broken and I don't know when I'll be back online. BUUUUTT, just wanted to say:

My situation is nothing like yours. My DP works away all week and comes home at weekends. We've been doing this for years and years, before we had DD, before we had DTs and through all sorts of difficult times. What I'm trying to say is that I still find it difficult. I can't get used to him being away and I find it hard to adjust when he comes home. BUT I have learned to expect it to be like that. I know I will feel like that and I prepare for it so we can avoid niggling with each other for the time he's home. (He doesn't always know what stage the DTs are at(no lids on cups this week or that they are able to climb up the climbing frame and don't need pulled off for safety anymore). Where it used to irritate me, I know make more allowance. It will not be easy and I'm sure you will have times you pull your hair out and wish it was different. But, being a family in whatever shape or form is what keeps us being in the world and try to focus on that when the times get tough.

I hope thats not a warbling mass of rubbish and wish you and Peter all the best over the next wee while. Stay strong.

Original poster
misdee · 09/08/2006 11:53

Thanks. my cleaner (AKA my dad) is here atm so have snuck on here for a moment. peter is coming home this evening. am still feeling uneasy. carers have called, they start tomorrow. more training friday. [gulps]

OP posts:
bundle · 09/08/2006 15:25

misdee, have you asked re: other help, not just practical stuff, but emotional support for you? always best to get in early

MatNanPlus · 09/08/2006 21:49

Misdee,

Hoping Peter settled in ok and your enjoying your first evening together at home.

Thinking of you both.

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