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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated

68 replies

Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 00:19

Today I found out my husband of 10 years has slept with 2 women. He has a Facebook profile in a fake name and has had countless disgusting conversations with women on there.

He left the page open accidentally on the laptop and I found it. We have a 5 year old DS.

I'm stunned. Numb. I don't know the man I am married to.

I've read threads about men having affairs so many times here. It's the one thing that I have always said I would never be able to get past. My whole world has fallen apart today.

Not sure why I'm posting but I can't sleep.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 21/02/2014 00:26

I hope that you have someone in rl to talk to and give you a hug
Right now, have this ( hug )

My ex was a repeat offender, bit by bit I lost all respect for him as he lied and lied and lied. Pitiful in the end.

There is better out there for you

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 00:29

Thank you. I have my parents who have been amazing today.

It's such a shock. He was the nicest and most caring husband and my best friend. Or so I thought.

I don't know how he could do this to our lives. It feels surreal.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 21/02/2014 00:36

I'm so sorry to hear it for you.

You are probably completely in shock. The first time I tried to pretend it wasn't true..I couldn't bear the thought or implication. The next time ....well you get the picture.

I know that some couples get through it. I thought we would be one. My ex enjoyed lying unfortunately. The lying was the worst.

Try to be gentle with yourself. It is a huge shock. Do not blame yourself no matter what he might say or imply. Make decisions slowly and to suit you and your son. Take all the time you need.
I'm so glad you have your parents

(Hug) again

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 00:42

I must be in shock, I am so numb. It's my sons birthday this weekend and I have no idea how to explain that daddy isn't here for it. I just feel like I've been married to a stranger.

My parents are amazing and are telling me to not make any decisions yet and take my time, whilst obviously being full of rage at him for doing this.

I can't imagine my life without him but I can't imagine anything ever being the same either. Everything is broken.

OP posts:
Loggins · 21/02/2014 00:43

Have you told him you know?
First things first, he needs to leave to give you space

Offred · 21/02/2014 00:44

I think you've made your decision and it is the right one.

He has betrayed you so badly.

I'm sorry about your son's birthday :(

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 00:45

Yes he knows and has left. I can't believe this is my life.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 00:49

:(

I think you must be in shock, yes, who wouldn't be? It is good your parents are being lovely and supportive but don't let them urge you to take him back just because they can't deal with you splitting up.

I don't think ending it would be a rash decision even if you make it quickly. You would never be able to trust him ever again given how good he was at lying.

Loggins · 21/02/2014 00:51

It's not going to be your life forever. Either way things will only get better eh?
Did he leave because you told him to?

Emotions are raw, you have to give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Have you been able to speak to a friend?

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 21/02/2014 00:53

Did he admit it was true? If so, then thats a start. Least you know the truth and you can start moving forward.
So many deny even though the evidence is there.
When you feel ready get some legal advice. Most lawyers will give you the first consultation free.
Your parents sound just what you need right now.

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 00:54

I'm shocked at how good he has been at lying. We used to joke that he was the worst liar ever.... I am such an idiot.

I feel like my life is over. I'm a SAHM and we have no real money or savings. If I end things I will need to go on benefits until I get a job. Everything is just so overwhelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 00:57

Yes he admitted it straight away. Couldn't really deny it though, I had seen his private messages on the Facebook account. He left as soon as I asked.

He keeps saying sorry, as if that makes a difference. He was working away when it happened.

I hate him and I love him. And then hate that I love him. God this is awful.

OP posts:
Loggins · 21/02/2014 01:06

Yes it's bloody awful. You are still in shock.
Have you eaten? You need to have a cup of tea at least.
I know you will think I'm talking rubbish but you have to take care of yourself and your DS will be waking you up early (if he is like mine)

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 01:12

I have been drinking sugary tea courtesy of my mum. Had one bite of pizza and promptly threw it back up.

I need to try to sleep. My head is thumping. Thank you to everyone for posting, writing it down is strangely helpful. Will try to sleep now.

OP posts:
BeyonceB · 21/02/2014 01:16
Thanks
Terrortree · 21/02/2014 01:24

How very horrific.

A good bit of advice I've read here many times - file for divorce now, a 'sorry' husband is easier to negotiate with than a defiant one. When you refuse to take him back/accept the blame for his behaviour, he'll cease to be sorry, and more defiant.

Today you are devastated - but soon you will be an inspiration. You'll surprise yourself with just how amazing you are.

Best wishes.

Loggins · 21/02/2014 01:25

Hope you manage some sleep. There is always someone here to talk to if you can't x

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 07:36

Thank you to everyone who posted last night. Today I'm keeping busy sorting out things for DS birthday. I can't think about anything else today. I told him daddy couldn't be here because he is working.

I think I've cried the whole night. Hate the bastard for doing this to us.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 21/02/2014 08:28

So sorry Sad what a bastard he is to throw away his marriage and family for cheap fucks.

You must be devastated. Glad you have your parents to help - getting RL support from close family and friends is really important.

Making a list of things to do - council tax, tax credits, CSA, benefits, legal advice from solicitors etc will help you feel more in control.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 08:34

Sorry that you've had such a nasty shock. It does make you feel like an idiot to realise you've been lied to. Glad you've got good support and that you've got DS's birthday to focus on. All I can suggest emotionally is make the most of your good days and do whatever's necessary to get through the bad ones. If you need to see your GP, make the call. When you're ready, get good legal advice. I found it helped focus the mind.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/02/2014 09:18

I am sorry, you must not know what's hit you. Emotions will be all over the place. As far as your DS goes,

I'm glad you were able to talk to your parents, this is not your shameful secret. You could be Wife of The Year, and he'd still have cheated because there is something wrong with HIM. Bad boundaries and no respect for you.

I hate to say this but would it be wise to get yourself checked out for STI, just in case.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/02/2014 09:22

Sorry don't know where that went, as far as DS goes, Daddy is working away but loves him very much? Am afraid you can only do so much because H has to be the instigator of contact. You could put in so much effort facilitating contact but H has to step up when it comes to being a decent father.

Original poster
Liedandcheatedto · 21/02/2014 12:40

I just can't stop crying. I want my husband back but he's not him. I don't know if he ever was.

I want to be one of those strong people and I'm just not. I can't even go 5 minutes without crying.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 21/02/2014 12:45

He sounds like a serial cheater or maybe he just got away with it for so long he just carried on having this double life.

Has he tried getting you back?

Jan45 · 21/02/2014 12:46

Poor you, what a shock. It's normal you feel like that, you're grieving for a marriage you thought you had, you've now found out is all been a bit of a lie. Give it time, surround yourself with as much support as possible, I know it's an old cliché but in time, you will become stronger.

I don't see how you come back from this but everyone is different, just take your time about making any decisions.