He cheated

[Liedandcheatedto]

Today I found out my husband of 10 years has slept with 2 women. He has a Facebook profile in a fake name and has had countless disgusting conversations with women on there.

He left the page open accidentally on the laptop and I found it. We have a 5 year old DS.

I'm stunned. Numb. I don't know the man I am married to.

I've read threads about men having affairs so many times here. It's the one thing that I have always said I would never be able to get past. My whole world has fallen apart today.

Not sure why I'm posting but I can't sleep.

lied I am so sorry. There are lots of us here who know exactly how you feel right now.

I can promise you that you will get stronger each day. I understand exactly what you mean when you say 'he's not him'. I said that very thing to my XH. 'You look like him, you sound like him, but you're not him'. I am so pleased you have RL support. I wish I'd also had MN when it happened to me. People on here are brilliant so please stay with us & keep posting if you need to. I also agree, don't give him an inch. I've said before, I kept believeing the lies and lived to massively regret it.x

I'm sorry you're having to endure this upset. It's a horrible thing and the grief process is IME akin to if the person had died. If anything it's worse because they're removing themselves from you, not through some terrible accident or illness, but by choice. It's crushing, it really is, and there's no short-cut through it sadly. As I said early, you just have to get through the days best you can until the sun comes out.

My mum said earlier that it's like a bereavement and that's exactly what it feels like. He's gone. The person I thought he was has gone.

Your mum is right, that's exactly what it feels like. It passes too, in the same way. You learn to live with the loss, and it becomes something you look back on with sadness, rather than something that overwhelms your every moment.

It gets better.

As for your comment that you aren't strong, I think you are .

So sorry OP. xxx

Liedandcheatedto LTB ... To be honest he has no respect for you or the family you have built with him.

One of my first things I would be doing is going to a Sexual Health Clinic to get checked out for any STI's as you don't know how many times he has cheated outside of his social media liaisons.

Take heed of this invaluable comment file for divorce now, a 'sorry' husband is easier to negotiate with than a defiant one

If you have a joint account empty it NOW he took away the family you built now take away his money and seek legal advice at the earliest opportunity.

Good Luck OP, Be strong and when you waiver remember about his callous attitude to your marriage.

Sorry this has happened OP.

Just one thing that you might notice over time is that he probably did show signs of being a twat prior to all of this, it's just maybe you didn't notice. These experiences can be excellent learning for us to see people for what they are based on their actions rather than what they say and therefore what we chose to believe.

Were there times he flirted a bit too much for your liking but made you feel 'possessive and jealous' if you mentioned it?

When he worked away was he vague about what he was doing?

Was his phone glued to him and you had a feeling you couldn't just ask to see it?

Does he speak about women in a derogatory way? Maybe even covertly

It'll all be there.
He probably never was the man you thought he was.

Oh Lied, I'm sorry to read this.. Sadly there are many of us who have walked the path that you have found yourself stranded on. With our help and that of your parents you will walk it and the further will be bright. This too will eventually pass.

For now tho he needs to stay away so u can contemplate your future.

The other horrible thing that I hate to say but sadly may be true, is that there may be more 'encounters' as he will only have admitted what he thinks he can get away with.

Get copies of bank statements, his wage slips etc.

Enjoys DS birthday. Will twunt miss it...? Bet those cheap shags will really feel worth it, won't they....

Nightmare situation,

Sounds to me like he has been on with this for a while as leaving the internet page open is very sloppy.
He probably thought that he had you right in the palm of his hand and was so clever that he did not need to pay special attention to cover his tracks....idiot!

From what you have said it seems that you were a very loving partner and built a good, strong, family with him and DS. Strong enough that you had no suspicions of him cheating and that's a credit to you as a person.

Time for you to grieve the relationship and start building again. Im sure having DS will help you.

Good luck

I'm very up and down. Right now I'm getting angry. Who the hell does he think he is? I'm sickened and disgusted by him.

I've decided I need to stop trying to make decisions. It's literally been 24 hours and I'm driving myself crazy thinking. I'm going to be selfish and think of me and DS. Nothing else matters right now.

And yes, he will miss DS birthday. He asked when he could see him but I have said I don't know. I wouldn't keep DS from him, but everything is too raw right now and I'm not putting myself through anymore just so he can feel better and pretend he's a good dad. He certainly didn't think of us when he was shagging randoms from the internet.

I don't even believe it was only 2. He worked away for years. Half our marriage. God only knows what he's been doing in that time.

Well done lied - just take each day at a time. Don't be forced in to anything. You need time to process what has happened and organise this weekend for your DC. Don't beat yourself up about it. He is the liar, he is the cheat. You are a good mum and were a good wife. Keep being angry with him.
Don't torment yourself about how many there were - it's irrelevant. He cheated, broker his vows and showed you no respect. Once, twice or a thousand times - he's a bastard.
There is plenty of time to sort out access - when you're ready x

Liedandcheatedto

I've decided I need to stop trying to make decisions. It's literally been 24 hours and I'm driving myself crazy thinking. I'm going to be selfish and think of me and DS. Nothing else matters right now.

Big mistake ... You need to be protecting yourself and your child NOW.

Hit the twunt where it hurts ...His Wallet. Although I am saying all of this and have no idea about your circumstances.

You need to be savvy when dealing with this, you wont be able to predict his next move.

I emptied the joint account yesterday - I've read enough MN threads to know that. The savings are in my name only, not that there's much of them anyway. He withdrew fifty quid when he left and that's all he has afaik.

Liedandcheatedto Ah good. Least you are not in a precarious financial position, I had to go through all of this with my EX. Horrible business.

Hope your son has a lovely birthday, least you have something lovely to look forward too.

Have a lovely weekend.

Glad to see that you have emptied his account, hopefully the twunt will get a shock!!

good advice from SuperWifeANDMum always helps to have someone who has been through similar predicaments to reference from!

im sure you will make it all about DS this weekend and hopefully you will have a chance to try and forget twunt for a little while.

Yes, feeling strangely stronger this evening, it's all very up and down still though. I've wrapped all the presents and sorted his cake. Tomorrow he will have a lovely day with his family and cousins (from my side). We were going to visit H's side of the family on Sunday, he can explain why that's not happening now. They are lovely kind people but I just can't face it at the moment.

At the moment it looks like we will see him at some point next week. That gives me time and space to think.

I can imagine the thought of the party is hideous at the moment, however, in a way I think it is lovely that you will have your family around you and this awful time.

I think it is a good idea not to make decisions straightaway. kind thoughts to you.

liedandcheated I'm so sorry to read your post. This happened to me in the new year and frankly, I have made so many mistakes in dealing with my ex DP.

These ladies really know their stuff and are offering expert advice and I wish now I'd come straight here for strength.

Sort out your financials and your legals ASAP because it will empower you. I am still of the grieving stage and the twunt gets back on Monday from his long business trip and is staying here as it's his home too apparently! He won't be here for long but as he draws me in to conversations when he calls to speak to DS, he enrages me every day! I know exactly how you feel but actually I'm at my strongest when I'm practical and the minute you feel up to it, get the solicitor booked.

I've lost weight, I've had a great new hairdo, I've started thinking about me and who I am after 6 weeks of utter misery and I'm getting the strength to look forward. I still have days when I wish my old DP would come back but actually, the life we had has gone and it will never be the same again.

It is utterly shite and I'm wishing you much strength. I hope your DS's party reminds you of how loved you both are despite what that shit has done to you both.

What a shit.

I hope you and your son have a wonderful day tomorrow and can forget about twatbuckets for a few hours.

Liedandcheatedto

It sounds like you have a lovely day planned for your son. Children are so resilient in these type of situations you will be surprised.

Do his family know what has happened?

I know its a heartbreaking time but make a list of assets and financials and contact a solicitor this will give you piece of mind and give you something to focus on.

Are you wanting the separation to be more permanent or are you wanting to see how you feel in a few days?

I honestly haven't decided what to do yet. I know that will sound pathetic to some, but it's the truth for now. Right now my feelings change every half an hour so I can't make any decisions.

Tonight I feel strong, my son will have a great birthday and I won't let him down.

H is staying with his family who know what has happened. I don't plan on having any contact with him over the weekend. Dealing with that can wait till next week.

Thank you to everyone for the positive posts, it's only been 24 hours but it feels like days have passed. Having somewhere to say whatever I want to has really helped

No you can't make any long term decisions - as you have already noticed, you will keep changing your mind.

Not pathetic at all OP. You don't have to make any decisions yet, it is very early days. You're moving in the right direction, ie emptying the joint account, sorting DS presents and party. Yes there will be up and down days but eventually they'll be more up days than down!

For me, it was all encompassing and I couldn't think of anything else. The shock was just awful. I dropped two dress sizes in as many weeks, and I wasn't overweight to start with.....

Don't forget, none of this is your doing, none of it your fault.

I got a strange satisfaction from taking down all our wedding photos, my dried bouquet and took my rings off. I found all that quite liberating the wedding vows obviously hadn't meant anything to him, so why would I want memories of them staring me in the face all the time.

Enjoy the party, don't get drunk!

lied I hope the party goes ok. Will be back. Please keep us updated. X

I am with you as have had this but I'm 5 months down the line. Take your time. Your marriage is not over unless both of you have given up. These things are horrible but complex. I honestly believe this after working with my husband through his therapy and taking it step by step. We have learnt sooooo much... We are still learning. Buy the book"after the affair" as a starting point. Educate yourself. Remember that you have done nothing wrong and this is not your fault but just pause before making rash decisions.