Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i be angry at this?

81 replies

cloud23 · 20/02/2014 23:42

Hi, i need your advice and thoughts here. My OH and i live apart. We have a DS. When OH comes to see us he behaves like we are in a normal relationship, physical and emotional. Sends texts, rings, i love you etc. He has been withdrawn with us both for a couple of weeks, tonight i find a post on facebook and he has sent OW flowers. He doesnt pay a penny towards DS and never has. What do i do now???

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 22:52

No, I'm not, not at all!

The thing is I think you have to be massively strong to cope with all the shit of an abusive relationship, even if you don't recognise it as that while you are in it.

When it ends if you have the right support you can direct all that strength you were using just to get through everyday dealing with all the headfuckery and crap into yourself and your needs.

I haven't really faced a lot of the people. Lots were just cut out of my life and you have to be quite ruthless about not being around people who are not helpful. It does isolate you and you have to relearn how to form healthy relationships with friends and family as well as partners - still working on that! Women's aid help with that too.

My parents were a more difficult thing. I have had to learn to stand up to them and now they are virtually cut out of my life, my dad completely and I am limiting contact with my mum. That has been very hard but I'm coming to see that they are also abusive and controlling and not helpful for me.

Anyway, you are certainly strong. You can come through this and be happy, people will help and support you to do it. It's normal to feel you are terribly weak and what is happening to you is not as bad as what is happening to other people but that is because the abuse convinces you to think of yourself as a person unworthy of love and deserving of bad treatment and the way you learn to cope with a lot of terrible things is by pretending they arent happening (normal coping mechanism). I found it helpful to place a lot of trust in Women's Aid and what they were telling me rather than listen to the stuff in my head that had been planted there by the abuse.

Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:05

An odd question but when you met him did you know any of his ex partners?
I met his ex a few times, we texted a lot when first together. She told me what i was letting myself in for. It took, to my shame, 5 months before i realised what she was trying to tell me. Ive had to wage warfare for seven years to try and protect myself inside but i am totally out of my depth how to now protect ds. I have seen first hand how he sabotages their relationship with their mum and he has already started that with ds.
I am isolated already, no trust as i have had to face his family in the past when i know he has told lies about me. Its so hard to do. You want to scream the truth at them but that would prove you are crazy like he tells you?
You touched a nerve with the feeling weak sentence. Outside looking in must look awful to other people. To me its the last few years of my life.
Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 23:11

It makes sense yes.

I did know some of his exes yes but we were very young when we got together - 17/18. I was quite vulnerable too. There were obvious signs which I ignored yes.

Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:17

Ive gone from crying, to laughing, to feeling hopeful, despair, anger, terror and happy all in one day. Is this normal do you think? Is it a turning point?
Its strange having head space again, did you feel that?

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 23:18

I think, being very honest with myself and knowing my state of mind at the time, I pretty much gravitated towards him because he was abusive really. I hated myself, I wanted to be hurt.

I was going through other things with my parents though, it didn't make how he treated me ok.

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:19

Yes, it sounds normal.

After he left, when I was realising he was abusive I cried for weeks whilst also feeling euphoric about the freedom and terrified of him and dreaming about stabbing him repeatedly.

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:19

thinking "who would ever want me?" etc

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:21

I think it may well be a turning point yes. The turning point is often when you realise it is abuse. It might take a while to accept it, as in really believe it and be able to say it to other people but when you realise it is quite disorientating because it changes something fundamental about the way you've looked at your life up until then I think.

Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:23

You felt you were worthy of just hurt and pain? I understand what you say but its so far removed from the person you are now its hard to believe.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:29

Your words really strike home.
The mix of emotions today feels like the ground has given way and im in freefall. Does it stop?

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 23:33

It isn't that far removed! I do suffer the effects of it still. It is from childhood really.

Yes, I thought I was unworthy of love and deserved to be treated badly. I don't think that anymore even if I sometimes feel it or fall into it as a pattern or because it can feel safe IYSWIM.

I am much happier and healthier now though I think.

I had, what people felt was a really ill advised thread recently about BDSM. Hurt and pain are quite tied into sex and also my life really in my mind and feelings. I am still working through boundaries and working on healthy relationships which is not to say I think the BDSM I like is necessarily unhealthy in itself or that my preferences havent been affected by abuse but I'm aware of issues that i need to be careful about and work on! Sorry if that is TMI but think it is relevant.

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:36

It does stop yes.

I think this is the part where you really really need some support.

I think you feel in freefall because the abuser is in control in the abusive relationship and realising and taking steps to change it just completely changes all the rules and you have no direction.

I think what women's aid did for me was replace that control initially with some of their own and this was a temporary measure that helped me start writing some of my own rules for myself and helped me on the road to properly being in control of my own life.

Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:42

The pattern is a comfort sometimes , even if you dont believe in it?
I had ocd very bad years ago, but i find when im upset handwashing ( just once but ocd properly ) helps to soothe. The thought system has no power anymore but the physical process does.
Is the pain you seek in BDSM to control the sensation and gain power, or to control the pain you desire upon yourself?
I agree that hurt and pain are very much involved in sex itself.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 23:45

re the pain; both I think.

I do have what my bf and I call 'lovely sex' too which doesn't involve any hurt or pain, just love. What messed me up was switching to dom and it connecting with a lot of the anger I felt towards xp - I felt like it was going to explode and poison the new relationship.

It hasn't, bf has been lovely, even phoned rape crisis because he was so worried about me and we've taken me being dom off the menu for now.

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:47

The pattern is a comfort i think because it helps you not think about the problem. It is a coping mechanism, not always a helpful one but one nontheless. Recognising it is good even if you still end up doing it.

Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:51

Seeing him is so damn difficult. I want to say things but i shouldnt. I dont want a row or to hear him twist what i say against me and feel worse.
I know its pointless to stand up for myself now, but i feel like im letting myself down if i dont.
Is that the abuse? Wanting to be heard but afraid to speak out?

OP posts:
Original poster
cloud23 · 21/02/2014 23:54

Its like an outlet for the rage? Your bf sounds nice, you deserve someone nice to care for you after all you have been through. You deserve to be loved and looked after.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/02/2014 23:55

yes, it is a sign of abuse wanting to be heard but being afraid.

What you have done with the secret smiling is the best response I think. He will not hear you or recognise your feelings even if you do speak out I think. He'll likley just twist it, make it worse and make you feel worse.

Secretly smiling to yourself about what you know is an excellent way to manage that feeling because you can't 'win' with an abuser.

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:57

yes - it could have become an outlet for all my repressed feelings I felt. It hasn't. He enjoys being submissive and he wouldn't have objected to it because for him it would have led to me being more and more sadistic (which he'd like) but the consequences for me would be too bad because it would be real and not just a game even if the actual things we did he would like.

Offred · 21/02/2014 23:58

I obviously am not actually a sadist because I've had that realisation! I also don't want to be one!

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:00

re the speaking out thing. Abusers are good at taking your strength and turning it into a weapon that they use against you. It's a myth that only weak people are abused. I think abusers often like people with strength because it is more satisfying for them to knock you down.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:08

you can learn ways to use your strength to benefit you though. For me, by understanding abuse and abusers (help from women's aid) and by putting obstacles between you and the abuser - no contact, organisations like women's aid, solicitors, CSA and the police and if necessary court orders to protect you from what they've done and what they might do.

Offred · 22/02/2014 00:10

there is usually a point where it becomes too difficult for them to abuse you and they often (unfortunately) move on to doing it to someone else, which is their fault not yours as they are responsible for their behaviour and you can't change them.

Original poster
cloud23 · 22/02/2014 00:11

So it would go beyond a play if you push past your limits?
There was nothing secret about the smile!!! I was fighting tears to begin with, but while he was here trying to touch my hand and other parts i simply moved away and remembered the support i got from here, and i couldnt stop the smile. I thought freedom. I could see what was us differently.

OP posts:
Offred · 22/02/2014 00:15

yes, it would be real and not a game.

I'm sure your smile was real but he won't know why you were smiling and that's what makes it secret. :)