Suspicious DH wants to (or has?) visited a prostitute??!

[crossupton]

Question: I have become suspicious that DH may have visited a prostitute but have no proof and am now wondering if I'm just being paranoid?

Background
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Family life: Have been married to DH for almost 5 years and have a DS who is nearly 4 years old. Very happy family life and we all get along very well with each other and our extended families.

Communication: DH and I are able to talk about everything. I don't even mind him watching porn and have watched the more sensual material with him. I think I'm very liberal and when he's away on extended trips I am fine with him self-pleasuring (sorry if that's too explicit?).

Sex life: Very good though maybe not as active or adventuress as it once was but I think that's normal as time goes on. We have very compatible sex drives and are well suited.

DH was away at a conference (does this often as he's an academic) and phoned me quite excitedly to tell me that a woman had tried to flirt with him at the hotel bar. His ego was inflated and we both had a little laugh about his attractiveness (all good natured).

Then about an hour later he phoned me up to say his colleague had told him that the woman flirting with him was actually a prostitute. He sounded both embarrassed and proud at the same time in the sense that he must look like he has a lot of money. Anyway, we both had a laugh about it.

Fast forward a few weeks and I'm on his laptop to quickly check my email but when I open it, it opens to the last page he browsed, which was a pornographic video called "Tonight's Girlfriend" which is about about a prostitute visiting a man in his hotel room.

I asked him about it and he said that ever since he'd met a real life one he'd started looking a videos for that sort of scenario. He was very open about it. We then, very casually, started talking about fantasies, and he asked me if one time I'd be wiling to role-play a prostitute for him.

Before his encounter at the hotel, I would've thought nothing of it and done it but now it's like he wants me to be the woman he met? I asked if he had ever visited a prostitute and he said that he had not but that when we was single he had thought about it. He has worked on a national sex project and says that he is referring only to those who consent, not the ones who are forced against their will to do it.

He then tells me that he has friends who've visited prostitutes but he wouldn't say who claiming that was not his secret to reveal. I asked if they were married friends and he said some were. I was a bit shocked because I know all his friends and all of them are good guys as far as I can tell.

And now I'm thinking that if he has friends who have visited prositiutes, and he's watching porn about it, and fantasing about it, does that mean that he has in the past, or wants to in the future, visit them?

I've put all this to him and he says I'm being paranoid and that if he was going to cheat he wouldn't be so open about it now would he? He has said that as it's worrying me that he wouldn't ask me to do the role-play and that he'd do his best to stop looking at that type of porn too but would let me know if he did.

He has twice told me that he has looked at that porn since but that he is trying to stop. He says he has no wish to ever cheat on me.

Sorry that this post is so long, I just wish I could stop thinking about this... maybe if he was being secretive I would feel less guilty about my suspicions but he's just so open about everything with me, it makes me feel silly.

@WhateverTrevor83: I used to be a police officer. There are lots who have been forced into it and there are quite a number who have not.

The fact he won't tell you which friends they are shows loyalty I think. You don't have to approve of everything a friend does to still be there friend either.

My DH kept a secret from me for YEARS (about another friend of ours) because he'd promised not to tell anyone. And that included me. Although I got it out of him eventually.

their friend

OK. I used to work at Victim Support and couldn't with agree with you more.

Still think there is a blurry line with his work and his fantasy. But of course may be wrong.

Well, Pretty Woman is a film about a prostitute visiting a man in his room. It's a fairly unrealistic story, though!

The way you tell this, it sounds as though he's only just discovered 'escorts' can be very good looking, and are skilled in boosting the male ego. It's rather odd for a grown man to be discovering this now, and even odder to have become slightly obsessed by it. Given that he's done work for a prostitutes' collective, does he have a rescue fantasy?

If so, it might be helpful to deconstruct this, as it usually boils down to "rescuing sexy women with his penis" (have some experience of this mindset!)

While the "escort in a hotel room" is a popular role-play amongst couples, it's probably unwise to start it in response to obsessive thoughts about real prostitutes. Try telling him you'll do it if he pays you £80 every time you have sex! How would that alter his feelings about you as his sex partner ... ?

Cricketnut77 - do you realise what an utter scumbag you come over as with that little revelation?

You'd rather cover for the disgusting behaviour of your friends than have an honest relationship with your wife?

As for your assertion that most men behave like immature idiots , no, only the ones with zero respect for the women in their lives, emotionally mature, adult men don't have this ridiculous "bros before hoes" ethos.

The sad thing is, I expect you think you have a good marriage, I wonder if your wife will think that if she ever finds out , not being lied to is the basic minimum behaviour one should expect in a relationship, you can't even manage that.

@Viviennemary: I think I might not have communicated the frequency of his porn viewing habits but as best as I can tell it's not what I would consider very often e.g. only when he's away for an extended trip of two weeks say, or if we are viewing together which is rather rare. If he was doing it in secret then I'd be very concerned but for me (not for everyone I know) this level is ok. I do agree that this scenario is a step further than I am happy with and that is what I've discussed with him.

@BorisJohnsonsHair: I can respect loyalty and maybe it is none of my business. Reading the replies in this thread have altered my view and I can understand why he'd not want to tell me who has been cheating. It's just that I know all his friends and I like most of them. I just find it difficult to imagine one of the married ones has cheated and that my husband won't tell me exactly who. It feels really off given that we're so open about everything else.

@WhateverTrevor83: I know that there are a lot of victims and some truly heartbreaking stories, which I think as someone who has worked at victim support (and I truly have nothing but respect for those that do) have a biased sample of people they come into contact with. However some women and men (I only encountered gay men, never encountered a straight man) who are sex workers do it as a fully informed and consensual choice. I think it's good to have a balanced view when thinking about sex workers which is the message sex-worker organisations are trying to get out there. :)

@GarlicReverses: This would be the first one he has ever met one in person. He didn't fantasise about it before that. He doesn't have a rescue fantasy because he's not viewing the woman as being a victim. He and I have discussed this at length. I think you're right that I shouldn't indulge the fantasy given the worry it is causing me (which he has agreed to). I think he'd be both insulted and hurt if I asked him for money in exchange for sex and I wouldn't want to hurt him that way.

I wouldn't be so much worried about infidelity here as the arrogance of your H and how you are fuelling it.

A woman flirted with him at a bar, so he rang you to boast of it? How juvenile, and you both decided it was because he was so attractive,
Both having a good laugh.

His mates then pointed out that she was a sex worker. At that point, any decent/normal bloke would, having made the first call,(which he should never have made in the first place) would ring back and say what a wally he felt.

He didn't do that though. He contacted you to say she thought of him as a man with money and you, agreed.

Do you know how much for a blow job for a poor girl who needs to score? A tenner.

I don't know whether your bloke went with a prostitute or not. I do believe you are pair of intellectual snobs who have no idea of social interaction outside of your sex lives.

@SerenaBracken: The first time he phoned he was doing it tongue-in-cheek about how good looking he is, hence why we laughed about it. The second time he was both embarrassed (because he felt silly for not realising her profession) and proud (because he looked like a business man). I thought the former was implied. I prefer that he phoned me so we could both have a giggle (not at her but at the situation), that's the kind of relationship we have. I have no problem with any of that. I believe you're thinking of street prostitution. Money was not discussed anyway.

it also sounds to me like he is being honest with you. The fact he rung you to talk about stuff like that and he's asked you to be part of his fantasy show that he has some boundary in place.

Plus, once you've done a fantasy, especially something like having sex with a prostitute, it stops being a fantasy. So I don't think he has done anything.

Definitely something to keep an eye on though!

I'm curious as to how your dh's pal could tell she was a sex worker. They're quite rare in hotel bars these days (in the UK, anyway) because hotel managers -understandably- don't like their legit customers being hassled.

I would just be concerned that his fantasy and porn use re prostitutes is crossing over a bit too much into real life. It's like he's only just learned prostitute exist and is rather too excited by them for my liking. I'd also be concerned cos he works away. None of what I've said means he's up to anything but I would wonder if something was about to happen.

@Hedgehead: Yes, this is what I am thinking and in a way it is a comforting thought.

@OldLadyKnowsNothing: Because the colleague said that same woman had approached him at a different hotel bar before. He had bought her a drink after she struck up a conversation with him and then things got more suggestive and a price was discussed but he declined to take it further. I don't think the woman stayed at the hotel bar after being turned down based on what DH told me.

@Jan45: Yes, I suppose that is the thing now because he is often in hotels for at least a few evenings each month. I know it's silly but I hate that his brief meeting with this woman has had such an effect on him. I have never had cause to doubt him before, and even now there's no evidence, but these thoughts keep running through my head.

"Proud because he looked like a businessman?"
"crosupton" .

Businessmen come in all guises as do the rest of society from axe murderers to charity workers.

Are you saying that to look like a businessman whilst being an academic is a good thing?

You are so concentrated on the sex side of your marriage that you have no idea about social interaction. I bet the men accompanying your H had a dammed good laugh at how he was fooled by the woman. More so when he phoned home to tell you about it.

His current fixation with prostitutes is not the problem.

Your desperation to please him, is. Cue telling him how handsome he is and how wealthy he looked to a prostitute. You would do anything to keep him and that is sad.

@SerenaBracken: You are contributing nothing of value to this discussion and seem intent on your own agenda. I will not interact with your further.

OP, you've posted on here and it's on your mind, for a reason, don't ever ignore your instincts. Talk and talk more, there's maybe just a few things you need him to go over again and reassure you all is well, it definitely sounds like you have a lovely healthy relationship together.

Serena: why the personal attack on the OP, you're making up scenarios that just do not exist here.

BelaLugosisShed - I've not lied to my wife. I've simply not informed her of some of my friends actions over the years. I can see very little upside in doing so!! If she asked me a direct question , did x go with a prosititute when you went to Y then I would struggle.. If this makes me a utter scumbag then fine. Very few if any men would do any different trust me.

crossupton - I have friends who I have known for many years who have done this. I don't approve of their actions but maybe their sex life is struggling at home and the temptation of an extremely attractive woman is too much for them. I don't judge people, I like my friends for many reasons, they are all good responsible people who are decent much like your husband's friends. But sex (and alcohol) does strange things. If you had a close friend who admitted to you she had a one night stand and was ashamed would you rush off and tell your husband if he was mates with her husband?

The first time he phoned he was doing it tongue-in-cheek about how good looking he is, hence why we laughed about it. The second time he was both embarrassed (because he felt silly for not realising her profession) and proud (because he looked like a business man).

OMG!

I agree with Jan45 - some people!!

Serena: OMG to you, are you actually an adult???

Fair enough crossupton.

@Jan45: Thank you. I think you are right and when he gets home tonight I will have a long talk with him about my feelings.

@cricketnut77: Thank you for taking the time to explain this from a man's point of view. Thinking about it, you're right, this really isn't issue and if one of my girlfriends had cheated I wouldn't want to tell my husband about it if it was a secret and he was mates with her husband.

I think there is a massive difference between consenting to selling sex (I wouldn't call it consent I would call it choosing) and consenting to sex and since I believe that sex should not happen without consent to sex I am opposed to prostitution. There is also the issues to do with the oppression of women. It is largely women who sell sex which indicates it is not as simple as choice and consent. Men who pay to use women's bodies are exploiting women whether the woman made a choice to enter the sex industry or not. They are objectifying women (as whatevertrevor articulated nicely) as these women and sexual experiences are not seen as as real.

I would rather a genuine affair than use of the sex industry (strippers etc) because one indicates personal weakness and the other indicates problematic views about/behaviour towards women to me.

As for the what happens on tour stays on tour well yes, this is why I avoid someone who identifies as a "bloke". I'd rather have a man.

OP - I think you need to have a good think about where your boundaries are and why they are there and a good talk to your husband. It is clear your boundaries are different to mine and so it is difficult to help but also clear your h seems to be stepping over them a little ATM.

I also think you do sound like you have an open and honest relationship but that it has crossed a boundary into a relationship with no privacy which is different and not healthy. I don't think you should be lied to about prostitutes etc but it is healthy to maintain some privacy.

I don't think he has slept with a prostitute, you can't know though really. It does sound like he has some views I would consider seriously problematic about prostitution.