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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't tell if I should end it with him...

51 replies

tygertygerburningbright · 19/02/2014 10:49

I posted here a few months ago about dps anger issues. He continued to kick off every time he got drunk, and the last two times he squared up to me. I didn't speak to him for two weeks (we don't live together yet) but he went to his doctor to ask about anger management and is waiting on a referral.

We patched things up over valentines Weekend but obviously things were in no way back to normal.

Last night I was very stressed and we were just talking about some stuff that's happened lately, work problems etc. I was saying I think I just need some time to relax alone and clear my head etc. But then he just got kind of moody and grumpy. I asked him what was wrong then he basically picked a fight. He does this self pitying 'I'm obviously just useless' thing all the time and I hate it. So we had a little disagreement. I was hurt because I had been hoping he would comfort me but he just made it all about him and picked a fight over nothing.

He slept on the sofa and went to work leaving me a note saying sorry etc. But I don't know what to do. I was so close to ending it with him recently and it seems like he doesn't really care at all.

OP posts:

hickorychicken · 19/02/2014 10:54

Yes, leave him. Before you have any real ties to him.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2014 10:55

Oh god, life's too short to spend with men like this. He's angry and squaring up to you and you don't even live together?

Surely you want to be happy in your life? You don't want to be bitter and hurt? You don't want violence in your home?

Dump him now and look for someone calm and happy and respectful, who shows you he loves you without terrifying the living daylights out of you.

glastocat · 19/02/2014 10:55

Yes leave him, he sounds horrible.

JustSpeakSense · 19/02/2014 11:00

He sounds very immature & self centred. run for the hills! there are much nicer men our there!

Original poster

tygertygerburningbright · 19/02/2014 11:01

I have a 3 year old ds who loves him. This is the only relationship I've been in since I had ds and im worried about how ds will deal with dp being gone all of a sudden.

We were meant to be moving in together in a couple of months. Ugh its such an upheaval if I decide to end it. I know that's no reason to stay but he is lovely a lot of the time.

OP posts:

Helpyourself · 19/02/2014 11:05

Leave him. You've written nothing to suggest this isn't a car crash in the making.

Helpyourself · 19/02/2014 11:07

The 3yo will forget about him very quickly. That's just an excuse. I do feel for you, but there are better baggage and drama free men out there.

Original poster

tygertygerburningbright · 19/02/2014 11:15

Arw there though? Dp is the nicest guy I've ever met.. but I honestly don't think I can put up with his behaviour. He is so very self absorbed...

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2014 11:19

If he's the nicest you've met, you need to widen your circle of acquaintances, OP.

He's moody, grumpy, picks fights with you, squares up to you and needs anger management.

If you can't leave him for yourself, think what a man like that will be like with a small child when he's in a bad mood.

FolkGirl · 19/02/2014 11:26

This is the nicest guy you've ever met? You can't put up with his behaviour, he's aggressive,moody, grumpy, self pitying and self absorbed. But he's the nicest guy you've ever met? Blimey.

He's not your DP. He's not 'dear' in any real sense of the word. And he's not your partner in any real sense of the word.

Your son might wonder where he is for a couple of weeks but what are you going to do when he starts squaring up to you too? When he starts modelling his behaviour on the pattern of behaviour he's learned from the significant male role model in his life?

If it helps, my mother split up with 'grandad' (some bloke she'd married after 6 months and then split up with another 6 months later). My son was about 5 at the time and he asked where 'grandad Michael' had gone

I told him that he, his dad and I were a family and we were the important ones and other people could be in our family but only if they were on the same team as us. And that this man wasn't on the same team as us and so didn't deserve to be in our family.

Short term pain, long term gain. That's how you need to look at this.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/02/2014 11:26

End it. You're crazy to think about moving this abusive nightmare in with your son. Really, stupidly crazy. Do you think he will just stop being an aggressive, abusive drunken nightmare? He won't, it will get worse and your son will suffer.

Original poster

tygertygerburningbright · 19/02/2014 11:27

I know. I just can't understand why I keep ending up with men like this. I stayed single for years to try and break the cycle and he is nothing like anyone ive been with. Except he is underneath.

OP posts:

Anonymai · 19/02/2014 11:28

There's no point staying with a dick just because you think there's no nicer men out there. It's quite okay to be single and not have a man around. Beats being squared up to.

aw11 · 19/02/2014 11:34

Two choices.

Leave the relationship - definatly the easier course of action! Your son will be fine, he's so young.

much more difficult, wearing and all consuming is trying to help him sort himself out. Only you know if this will really be possible (and if you really want to!!!) at all as we don't know you or your bf. He'd need to show some self awareness regarding his issues and he'd need to actually do things to make a positive change. Other thing to consider is going through all this with a child around.

AmazingJumper · 19/02/2014 11:37

If you think there will be upheaval leaving him now, that is nothing as to how bad it would be if you actually lived with him.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2014 11:45

He's not nice. He's abusive. Dump. Ignore his self- pitying crap when you do and get your child away from this man. Get some concealing for your self esteem if you think this is the nicest person you have been with.

No one is lovely who gets drunk and violent. Stop excusing this as anger issues. Squaring up to someone is violent.

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 11:50

Ugh, what a Loser he is

He is a terrible example for your ds

End this farce for him if you can't do it for yourself

It's getting pretty depressing to keep reading about women who put a relationship with a bloke over the emotional welfare of their children. You are doing the same, and I suspect your "not living together yet ..." is simply a foregone conclusion

I can understand the feelign of being trapped with a bloke when you share living accomodation, joint children and joint finances

but this?

you need to get a grip and end it before you get in any deeper

will you listen this time ?

Allann01 · 19/02/2014 12:40

LEAVE HIM. I've recently posted last night on "Where did I go wrong". I understand how your feeling. I also understand that are situations may not be the same, but this is how it starts!! The question is do you want to have your 3 year old influenced by his moods. It's also draining on you and you deserve to be happy and not constantly questioning. If he doesn't comfort you when you need him too, he will never change. What ever you decide, do it for you.

Helpyourself · 19/02/2014 12:44

Look into the freedom course OP. Perhaps you are picking wrong 'uns. It's not your fault- you can learn what to look for early on in a relationship.

GinAndIt · 19/02/2014 13:04

Do not move in with this man. Seriously. End the relationship before you get even more entangled. This kind of behaviour only ever gets worse. He is already aggressive, self-absorbed and disruptive to your happiness and sense of well being. What will he be like when you have bills to pay and commitments together?

Your 3 year old won't even remember him after a while.

Wierdywoo · 19/02/2014 13:20

I echo the sentiment that it is depressing how some posters put their distorted view of 'love' with some nincompoop above their responsibilities towards their children.
I know I am being harsh but they need to think that they are the adult and they owe it to themselves and their children to sort themselves out so that they don't keep choosing twerps who will probably have a detrimental effect on the kids.
There is so much free and pay-for help out there (the oft-mentioned Women's Aid, Relate, hosts of others). I have been in this position many years ago and did a lot of work on myself so I speak from a bit of experience. And I didn't have loads of money or support. And it was bloody hard although I did not have dc at the time. I hope to not sound smug- that is not my intention- but just saying it is possible to break the cycle.

Original poster

tygertygerburningbright · 19/02/2014 16:29

Thanks for your replies. I'm trying not to come across as an idiot although I sense I may have anyway.

I genuinely thought he was the one for me, so kind and caring and amazing with my son. But over time his flaws have started to override his good qualities, and they are not the kind of flaws I can overlook. The anger issue I was prepared to help him through to an extent. But it seems like mow its not that it's something else.

He also did get wierd about me seeing my friends but stopped that as soon as I called him on it. I made him read up on abusive behaviour and red flags and control in relationships and he was genuinely horrified at his behaviour.

But I guess he keeps saying he will change because he loves me, but so far he hasn't done that at all.

I know I have a responsibility to my son. And my exact point is that I thought this guy would be the one to love us and look after us. He really is wonderful with ds.

Its so hard to know when to stop helping him through his issues and be selfish and call it a day.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 16:39

Now

Now is the time to stop.

You would be selfish to stay with him. Aren't you getting the distinction ? You can't help with his "issues" and it is a form of arrogance to think that you can which will come back to bite you badly on the arse.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2014 16:40

It's not your job to help this man. It's his job to help himself. It's your job to look after yourself and your son.

aw11 · 19/02/2014 16:40

AnyFucker....why can't she help with his issues?

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