Can't tell if I should end it with him...

[tygertygerburningbright]

I posted here a few months ago about dps anger issues. He continued to kick off every time he got drunk, and the last two times he squared up to me. I didn't speak to him for two weeks (we don't live together yet) but he went to his doctor to ask about anger management and is waiting on a referral.

We patched things up over valentines Weekend but obviously things were in no way back to normal.

Last night I was very stressed and we were just talking about some stuff that's happened lately, work problems etc. I was saying I think I just need some time to relax alone and clear my head etc. But then he just got kind of moody and grumpy. I asked him what was wrong then he basically picked a fight. He does this self pitying 'I'm obviously just useless' thing all the time and I hate it. So we had a little disagreement. I was hurt because I had been hoping he would comfort me but he just made it all about him and picked a fight over nothing.

He slept on the sofa and went to work leaving me a note saying sorry etc. But I don't know what to do. I was so close to ending it with him recently and it seems like he doesn't really care at all.

[expatinscotland]

No, it's not hard. He is an adult and your son is a child. He does not live with you. It's as easy as, this relationship is over because it is not working for me and my child.'

The end.

There is no magic fairy godfather who is going to come long and 'look after' you. That's your job as an adult and mum and his job to deal with his issues.

Stop trying to fix adults and stop looking for Daddy Warbucks to come along and make it all right.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

She didn't Cause them. She cannot Control them. She cannot Cure them.

he has to do it himself.

if he is not committed to that, all she is doing is enabling which does more damage than good in the long term

[AnyFuckerHQ]

It sets my teeth on edge when women confess to needing a man to "look after them"

Did Feminism completely pass them by ?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

why can't she help with his issues?

Because his "issues" involve being threatening, controlling and abusive and she has a small son who needs protecting from dangerous men like that.

[aw11]

AnyFucker - Yep fair enough it's him who needs to do it. But, she can help him to do that, even if it's just being a supportive partner helping him make those changes no?

[expatinscotland]

He is abusive, aw. She has a young child. His issue is that he is an abusive fuckwit. Do you REALLY advocate a woman staying with an abusive person?

[FataFlowerGarden]

Why should she, sw? Life is too short, surely, to spend it trying to 'help' grown men sort their ishoos out?

[Lweji]

Walk away now.
Even if your son loves him now, his behaviour will end up affecting him too.

He is clearly not all the good things you said about him if his behaviour is like this too. Certainly not caring, or the nicest guy you ever met. Maybe for some periods, but not over all.

Even if he had changed in the meantime, which he hasn't, I would always be suspicious the bad behaviour would return once he moved in, you got married, got further children, or had to leave work.

Again, walk away now.

[Lweji]

And you are not being selfish, you are just protecting your son, most of all, and yourself too.

[BuggarMeGently]

Let him get away with squaring up to you, and a square up will become a push, then a slap, then fuck knows what. I've been there, and you can't "save" him. Has your child witnessed this aggression?

[aw11]

No, I don't think anyone should stay with an abusive partner. Perhaps she should leave this man, keep him at arms length, especially away from her son. But she can help him change if she wants to surely?

[sisterofmercy]

He sounds like too much hard work, at the very least. Actions speak louder than words. Your wrongun radar may be flawed but at least it's improving. You're hopefully getting out of this one as soon as the danger signals flash red. /mixes metaphors hopelessly

Basically you call it a day because he isn't as committed to making it work as you are and hasn't changed enough. You've given him chance after chance each time he stepped over the line. It's not being selfish - it's protecting your child and preventing him learning to treat women this way and perhaps this man might also learn from his mistakes and the fact he loses people as a result. You can't help anyone else if you can't help yourself first.

[Lweji]

Aw11, why would she want to help him if she breaks up from him?

The best help she can give him is to put a stop to it and tell him he needs to sort himself out if he wants to have a chance at having a good relationship eventually, with someone else.

He is not her responsibility at all!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

FGS do not move in with this man and end this non relationship with this abuser asap.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Did you see abuse?. Was your own father abusive and or emotionally unavailable?. That could account for your own poor relationship history to date now you're wondering why you've ended up with unsuitable men, that could well be why.

How can you say this person is the nicest guy you have ever met, it does not say much for your choice in men nor the men you have met to date. You need to go cold turkey with men altogether till you start loving your own self for a change. You do not love yourself at all and have no idea what an emotionally healthy and loving relationship actually is. I doubt very much you've ever seen that as well to date. You're easy pickings currently for unsuitable men like this one to be used and abused; abusive men hone in on and target women with low self worth.

I doubt very much that your DS loves this man at all, you would like to think that he does because you want a father figure for your son. This man is an appalling role model for him!. Do not subject your son to this awful man any more.

Honestly you need to raise your relationship bar a lot higher than it currently is. All this man is doing is dragging you and your son down with him into his pit.

I would suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme because it is designed for women who have been in abusive relationships. You need to do this for you before embarking on any future relationship with a man. Your boundaries are well skewed and they need re-setting.

I would also suggest you start reading "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

[sisterofmercy]

aw11 - I personally believe it isn't up to a partner to fix their boyfriend (and vice versa). In this case it is the job of the boyfriend and some damn good therapists. With a lot of work he could still be a happy man but that's up to him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

aw11,

re your comments:-
"No, I don't think anyone should stay with an abusive partner. Perhaps she should leave this man, keep him at arms length, especially away from her son".

Yes but there is no perhaps she should leave this man about it. She should leave this man end of.

"But she can help him change if she wants to surely?"

She was not put on this earth to try and rescue and or save someone from their own selves. You simply cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. All bets are off here anyway because he is abusive and he does not want her so called help and or support. She would be too close to be of any real use to him anyway, not that he wants her help in the first place.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

aw11

Also such abusive men hate women, all of them.

[tygertygerburningbright]

I've been on this site for a few years and ive been told a few times that I have low self esteem etc. I really don't feel like I do but I guess if the shoe fits...

My father was not around at all, for the person who asked. Most of my relationships have been abusive in a way, I guess I just thought that maybe all men needed a little coaxing to be perfect..

What could I do to sort out my evidently fucked up view of myself and men? What's this freedom course?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Well if your father was never around, that would go some considerable way to forming your own relationship history now. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. You were likely taught some pretty crap stuff that needs unlearning or you could end up repeating the same old errors over and over (you write that most of your previous relationships have been abusive). You and your son deserve better and you owe it to yourself to get your boundaries on relationships reset.

"I guess I just thought that maybe all men needed a little coaxing to be perfect.."

I guess you learnt that rubbish as well when growing up too. Why do you want to fix men?. That is another area that warrants further thought.

I would also think that you do not love your own self at all or at least very much.

The Freedom Programme is a domestic violence programme which was created by and is run by Pat Craven and evolved from her work with perpetrators of domestic violence.

The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, since research shows that in the vast majority of cases of serious abuse are male on female. However, the programme, which is provided as an intensive two day course, is also suitable for men, whether abusive and wishing to change their attitudes and behaviour or whether victims of domestic abuse themselves.

The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess.

The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Men do not need coaxing to be perfect. THey are either OK as they are, or they are abusive. The ones who are OK might have annoying habits or boring friends or something, but being in a relatinship with an OK man is enjoyable. It's not hard work and constant stress to manage his behaviour.
It sounds as though you have only ever met abusive men, which is unfortunate, as they are, genuinely, a minority. However, until you've sorted yourself out and built some boundaries, you are likely to be a magnet for them so you really shouldn't date at all for the time being.
DUmp the current one immediately. Tell him not to contact you again. If he won't go away, involve the police. And tell your DS that 'man' wasn't being nice enough to you for you to want him around.

AND IT'S MUCH BETTER TO BE SINGLE. Being single is wonderful. You can do what you like, when you like, with whoever you like. Being single is so good that you should only be prepared to give it up for an exceptionally nice man who makes your life demonstrably better by his presence.

[tygertygerburningbright]

I did like being single. I feel like such an idiot for letting this happen to me.

I suppose my views of myself are skewed because before I had ds I wasn't a very good person. I used to take drugs and hang out with unsavoury tyoes and did a lot of things I regret. But for five years I have been very different. Maybe I think this is what I deserve. I don't know.

I think I've decided to end this relationship. It seems like a trivial thing to end it over but I guess it's the straw that broke the camels back.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

It is often a straw that brings something to a head

End it, love

Put your dc first

[Wierdywoo]

Mate, you will be fine. Just end it with this plonker. I wish I had had Mumsnet around to support me 20 years ago when I was going through similar stuff. Think about your child. Put him first.

[ageofgrandillusion]

If you have any doubts about whether to dump this loser OP, just see how he reacts when you tell him it's over. A decent, well adjusted bloke might be a bit upset and want to know why but would ultimately accept your decision with good grace. I'd put my right arm your bloke will do his best to make things as difficult as possible - pleading/emotional blackmail and all that other bullshit these types of blokes use.

[Charley50]

It's not trivial and please do end it. He is abusive and your son doesn't love him and will forget all about him very quickly. Angry, aggressive, moaning, blaming, trying to stop you seeing your friends!! Get out while it's easy and if he harasses you don't give in, call the police. My ex was like this and he did prove hard to shake off.. I had to involve the police and it worked. Hopefully he will take no for an answer but if he doesn't you have to be prepared to be firm or go to police. Good luck I hope you go in the freedom programme and enjoy being on your own. It's actually much easier. Maybe make some more mum
friends so you have more people around you.