Trying to hold it together but screaming inside!

[Missesbumble]

I don't really know where to start, but I'll try to be as clear as possible.

I think DH is up to something but I've no idea what, it's driving me insane that I know there's something not right but can't find any real proof.

Basically DH spends a lot of time on his iPad, chatting on hobby forums, gaming etc but nothing untoward on his browsing history. However, his phone bill tells a different story. I'd suspected something was amiss a year or so ago and since DH has online billing I couldn't check his phone records. It all began over me asking could I use his phone because mine had died and he got all possessive over it. Kept telling me mine would be charged enough to use soon, he didn't want me breaking his yadda yadda. I got a bit pissed off by his response and asked what his problem was, had he something to hide. He got all defensive on me and began arguing shifting it all on to me and accusing me of being paranoid.

He eventually let me use his phone but the seed of doubt had been planted. I asked to see his bills and after him trying to blow me off with, I've got issues, he couldn't remember his password etc etc he eventually remembered his password when I wouldn't back off.

There was nothing incriminating in calls or texts but I did notice a huge amount if web activity on his phone. I asked what he was doing surfing on his phone so much when he was constantly on the iPad and he gave some lame excuse about he knew his obsession with his hobby bugged me sometimes so he used his phone rather than the iPad so I wouldn't get annoyed. At the time I just thought 'muppet' and told him hiding stuff about it is a problem not the hobby as such. (He's a pigeon fancier, if anyone is wondering lol) it's not my cup of tea but it rocks his boat so I tend to keep my gob shut about it.

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I had a weird but feeling that something wasn't right so I tried logging into his online phone billing account again. Strangely he'd changed the password from the original one, so I had to request a new one. I checked his billing info and again nothing in calls/texts but huge amounts of web use. I dug a little further and found he is accessing it when he's out in the garden, when he's gone to the supermarket, if he's nipped out to pick something up, when he's gone up to bed before me and early hours if the morning when I'm still asleep. It all looks very strange. One particular instance to put it into perspective was Monday evening. He'd been on his iPad doing whatever for the evening when he remembered he needed to print off a CV. We tried printing it but the ink cartridge had run out. He nipped down to tesco, a 5 minute car ride to pick one up. He phoned me at 9.45 to tell me he'd got one and to check it was the correct one. The call lasted about a minute. He returned home almost 20 minutes later and on checking web activity he was online on his phone after phoning me.

Having checked now I've pinpointed days and times of when he's surfing on his phone and I'm never around at those times. He's like a secret surfer on his phone and I'm now wondering what the hell he does on there that's so secretive and time consuming.

Am I being paranoid and seeing too much into this. I've got so much shit going on at the moment with work, I really don't need this :-(

Hmmm, it doesn't come across as 'fine' to me - far from it. OP, you sound lovely and sadly I think you're being massively taken advantage of. The way you describe things makes him seem incredibly secretive and withholding. And I don't think his helping out around the house amounts to much: you work and he doesn't! He should be doing much, much more.

Sorry you're having such a miserable time.

Quitelikely - thank you for your kind words of support. I do often read threads on here and think some people are having a totally horrific time and could genuinely weep for them. Other times I see members who seem to have amazing DP who are loving, kind, considerate, honest, loyal etc etc.

Some days I think my life is tough but more often it think how much worse it could be. DH has been violent to me many years ago, but it was 6 of one half a dozen of the other so he's not solely to blame. I used to have a habit of going on about things and annoying him and pushing his buttons. Now I'm so laid back it's untrue.

I've changed so much since his EA, at the time he made me feel like it was my fault. We hadn't been having a great time for a few months prior but had seemed to have sorted things out and getting on much better. Sex had been frequent and very good, we were spending more quality time together and things were definitely on the up (or so I thought). I wasn't aware for months that he'd been chatting to someone we both knew online via email/messages.

All this secrecy shit is dragging me back to that dreadful time and place in my head. I'm remembering all the things that happened, all the tiny giveaways that I didn't notice. He's proven to me he can hide things from me but swore he'd never do anything like that again.

Gamerchick - that wouldn't be unreasonable to believe, it wouldn't be the first time but the last time I caught him out buying a mega expensive pigeon that he'd tried to hide from me he promised never to do that again too. Unfortunately I've gone back over 2 years of bills and it's been happening for longer than that.

I know I need to find out what's going on but I don't know how I can do that. I've dug myself into a hole by accessing his online billing without his consent (possibly leaving myself open for prosecution) if I say anything I'm just going to have that thrown at me. How will I even know what he says (if indeed he does say anything) that it's the truth?

The only RL person who knew what I'd done was my BF and since telling her, his web access has practically stopped. I feel sick at the the thought that she may have told him. I don't know now if I'm just being paranoid or if there's anyone I can ever trust in my life. I've not felt this low in years :-(

is she a good friend to him? I would be wondering if that had happened tbh.

Not really a good friend to him, they get on quite well. They tend to wind each other up more than anything name calling banter. She was someone I met through work years ago, we became quite friendly and the more we got to know each other the closer we became. She's not had a great life, he DP treats her like a skivvy but she stays with him because he's a good provider financially. She doesn't get on well with her mother or other family members and I think I took her under my wing a little. She's a few years younger than us.

I've always been there for her, supported her and never judged. Picked her up everytime her dp has knocked her down. My DH thinks a lot about her too and we've both been concerned for her health at times (mental & physical). She's nearer our eldest DD age so I wouldn't have thought there was anything sinister between them.

You need to be prepared for the fact that there is something between BF and him - she could be the OW

Far too much of a coincidence that web access stopped after you told her.

The more you write about him, the more I dislike him - so he's violent as well as a lazy lying cheating disrespectful shit?

OP - you sound so ground down and worn, all those years have made you minimise things (think boiled frog syndrome).

Your poor thing. This has got to stop and fairly soon. I can absolutely see why he's behaviour is taking you back to a place you rather wouldn't be. Unfortunately in life actions speak louder than words, no truer line spoken. He is or was doing something that he was keeping from you and you have got a right to know what that something is. You are like this as a consequence of his past behaviour and not because you are a paranoid stalker.

To know is just your basic right. You need to ask him to log in to whatever he was logging in to. You've had your suspicions and now it's game over for him in respect to his little secret! And he has made it a secret not you.

I know this sounds mental but to make it easier could you not just sit him down, say nothing and hand him this thread to read? Would that work?

He does help out and does things, he does the shopping, makes tea most of the time, makes me a cuppa if I ask (usually without rolling his eyes) admittedly I drink far too much of it. He will take dd to orthodontist if I am busy with work. He will load the washer/dryer (this is when he wants something specific washing/drying for himself 99% of the time) but he will chuck a few bits of others in too if it needs a few extra to fill it. He occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher, this is when we're almost out of pots and I've been busy or ill. So ... He does do some things, he's not a complete waste of space.

Misses I'm kind of shocked that you think that this ^^^ is a good balance in your lives. Just for a moment imagine that your H worked FT outside the home and you didn't work. Now imagine that what you described above was the sum total of your contribution to the household. It's just not right is it? He actually does very little and most of the stuff he does do has a direct benefit to him - shopping, dinner, washing when it suits him.

I'm concerned that along with all the secrecy he is excited about you spending days of of the home on business, and what you said about your friend rang instant alarm bells for me. Plus he has suddenly decided, after years of cocklodging, that some financial independence might suit him.

You sound very stressed. Are you going to confront him? Ask him to show you his phone - though my now of your F has tipped him off he may have deleted everything. But if there is noting dodgy going on then surely he will show you and put your mind at rest?

So sorry to hear you're going through this, his behaviour sounds awful

I'm going to clutch wildly at straws here and wonder whether it could be sports results i.e. football, BBC news or eBay he could be checking?

My DH is always looking at eBay and likes to be up to date on current affairs, so is forever going on the BBC/Independent websites (and by extension, the BBC football bit for scores).

I know it's a long shot when coupled with all of the secrecy you've mentioned, but my DH honestly does constantly check those sites all the time so I wanted to suggest it might be those.

Please don't beat yourself up for looking at his phone bill. You have only looked as a result of his appallingly secretive, strange behaviour, not because you are trying to be controlling / invade his privacy. You're acting on instinct.

I'm very sorry but everything you have said about your BF is making me think that she is the key to all this. The stage seems to have been set and if you think about it, and the way your H operates [deceitful in the past with another female]....it all fits that she could be the OW.

Her situation, the 'name calling banter', she doesn't get on with family or her dp so has nothing really to lose. Throw in mental health issues and a tough life and you might have a personality who will not care what she does to make herself happier. At the least, someone desperate for attention/excitement. The fact you are away far more must be like your H's Christmas's have all come at once too, it leaves the coast clear.

Of course I may be wrong, but think it all through. The fact she is DD's age doesn't mean it wouldn't happen, maybe that is the whole appeal. [It just reminds me so much of a situation I personally know about and matches in so many ways. Man at home, plenty of time on his hands, wife brings in an unhappy younger female......]

if the BF was the OW then it would also explain why H is so keen to be in paid employment all of a sudden.

Hi OP, having just read your last post, I am sorry but I tend to agree this points to something going on with your BF.
If it were me, I would maybe take a step back & ask myself why I was putting up with all this & whether I was happy? You may not ever get the truth - the point is he is being secretive, it is making you miserable. The answer maybe that you would be happier on your own.

OP you are stuck in "The Justifying Zone" where you weigh up all your years of putting up with shit - DV, EA, Financial Abuse, Cocklodging, and are saying that if you pull out now, it will all have been in vain.

So the alternative is to put up with many more years of the same?

You do not need some big concrete vat of evidence to say you have had enough. You can simply say you have had enough. It is over.

Please don't put yourself through more of this keylogger/Miss Marple madness. Enough is enough. If you want to walk away just do it. You do not have to justify your investment in this man, in this relationship.

Hello MissesB. Am I allowed to giggle at "secretly buying pigeons". I am picturing him running down the garden with a newly purchased pigeon wedged up his jumper, right next to is precious mobile phone.

I was really struck when you said that you felt despondent because you are on the brink of 50 and facing separation. I just wanted to say you are in the prime of your life, you are starting a new business venture and this could be a brand new chapter for you without this dead-leg plonker dragging you down. Don't be scared of separation or see it as some sort of failure. It might be the best thing you ever did.

Also, he is encouraging you to spend time away building up the business because you are his cash cow and the more you work the less he has to. I am sorry but he really doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart.

My DH has been out of work for 3 years, fortunately he does all the housework, cooking etc but ds is now 11 and doesn't need so much child care and DH is spending an increasing amount of time sitting on his butt watching every Antiques programme on the box. I am starting to worry that it will drift to 10 years so will have to apply my foot to his arse pretty sharpish. We are also near Manchester and in an area where pigeon fancying is rife ... god forbid

I've been round to see BF, she's not the OW. She was mortified and repulsed by the very idea. She was very honest and open with me and told me her 'name calling banter' is less banter and more truthful but out of respect for me she puts a jokey spin on it. She's admitted she thinks he's a total twunt but feels she's in no position to pass judgement since her relationship is a far cry from perfect. We had a long chat about things and I totally believe her. We have come to the conclusion that I'm the one making DH suspicious and less inclined to web surf because he thinks I've hacked his account and checking up on him. I can sense myself I'm edgy and struggling with it all.

I have checked his updated usage and he was online this morning. My alarm went off at 6.30am, I got up, showered, got dressed and went down stairs to start off the morning madness. During my time in the shower and after I'd come down stairs he'd been online on his phone. I asked if I'd disturbed him this morning and he said no he hadn't heard a thing. What a fkn lying arse!! I'm sick to death of all these lies now. I've decided to try to keep it together till next week. I can't risk saying anything yet as I have to go to london for 2 days next week and if all he'll breaks loose here I'm fkd, he'll refuse to look after dd.

well that is a relief re BF.

"he'll refuse to look after dd."

TiffanyatBreakfast - DH is into football but not to that extent, he's never checked scores of anything (well that I'm aware of). He's never said anything to me, we both support the same team so I would imagine he'd tell me if they won/lost. He tends to watch all the matches when their being played.

He doesn't have an ebay account, i do and if he looks he normally adds things to my watch list or will ask me to buy something for him with my paypal account if he sees something he wants.

I just find the whole situation strange because of the fact that he's always on the iPad anyway but still goes online on his phone as well when he doesn't really do anything than read pigeon related stuff online. For some reason he's online on his phone every night when he's gone up to bed and every morning either before I wake or once I'm up. There are other times between but I can't fathom what's so important to check the moment you wake up or within 10 minutes of putting down the iPad and going up to bed?

Becool - yes, he's been a right arse and threatened some really nasty shit in the past if he thinks he's on the brink of me leaving or ending the relationship. I know he'll try to make things difficult for me, that's always been his way. I guess that's why I try not to rock the boat.

Wow - that isn't good at all. You can't stay with someone because they are too nasty to leave?

So what are you plans? Have you accepted you need to take action/confront him? Are you detaching in your mind? Are you ready to separate from him?

Can you keep it together until next week all the while plan and plot away?

Do you think if he knew you were checking he would change his password? Or would that be too confrontational for him?

sorry - lots of questions

Bin him. Today.

Get childcare, don't allow him to hold you to ransom for one more minute.

Nasty vile bastard.

He's nasty, he's had an affair before, he's up to something with that phone, and you are miserable. I invested so much time trying to catch my xh out it nearly drove me mad. He doesn't make you happy & I think you need to step back and ask yourself whether this is how you want to live. Take care. You deserve so much better x

Hissy - one of my older dd would happily come and stay to watch the younger one for me, I know that but I don't want to make the situation any worse at the moment for them all.

Scornedwoman - I am miserable, It feels like I've got a nasty tummy bug at the mo my stomach is constantly churning and feel like a need the loo all the time cos I feel so physically sick with it all.

I almost had it out with him last night, he can sense there's something wrong with me but he'd never ask, he never does, he says he'd rather keep his head down and let it pass if he feels I'm not happy about something. That pisses me off too! Even if I try to discuss anything with him he dismisses it, tells me I'm being stupid or nods and pretends he's actually listening.

I've got to the point now were I want him to sweat it out and worry for a change wondering what's wrong. I've had to do it enough in the past.

DH mentioned the other day that I have a laundry addiction, he's right, I love washing. I just said I could have worse addictions, does mine actually hurt anyone? He didn't respond!

Oh misses Is it worth trying to force him to talk? If it were me I'd have just told him I was thoroughly miserable & that I couldn't put up with his behaviour any more. It's irrelevant really what his excuses are. I think you just need to ask yourself if you think he will ever change. Be strong.

Refuse to look after DD?! How dare he? This is not normal OP.

OP, I don't even know what to say, or where to start! There are so SO SO many things going on here, can't believe how many things your DH has done that are pretty terrible. Physical and undoubtedly heavy emotional abuse, stonewalling, lying again and again, gaslighting you( think him making you believe you were crazy about the affair) using you financially, being uncommunicative, getting nasty when you want to leave, an affair, you say EA but are you sure? They had "coffee" together? Really? Not likely:( you have to split and soon. Don't waste anymore time on him, god what a waste. And when you have you will see how happy you can be without this lazy lying arse. Angry for you but you can change things OP.