Trying to hold it together but screaming inside!

[Missesbumble]

I don't really know where to start, but I'll try to be as clear as possible.

I think DH is up to something but I've no idea what, it's driving me insane that I know there's something not right but can't find any real proof.

Basically DH spends a lot of time on his iPad, chatting on hobby forums, gaming etc but nothing untoward on his browsing history. However, his phone bill tells a different story. I'd suspected something was amiss a year or so ago and since DH has online billing I couldn't check his phone records. It all began over me asking could I use his phone because mine had died and he got all possessive over it. Kept telling me mine would be charged enough to use soon, he didn't want me breaking his yadda yadda. I got a bit pissed off by his response and asked what his problem was, had he something to hide. He got all defensive on me and began arguing shifting it all on to me and accusing me of being paranoid.

He eventually let me use his phone but the seed of doubt had been planted. I asked to see his bills and after him trying to blow me off with, I've got issues, he couldn't remember his password etc etc he eventually remembered his password when I wouldn't back off.

There was nothing incriminating in calls or texts but I did notice a huge amount if web activity on his phone. I asked what he was doing surfing on his phone so much when he was constantly on the iPad and he gave some lame excuse about he knew his obsession with his hobby bugged me sometimes so he used his phone rather than the iPad so I wouldn't get annoyed. At the time I just thought 'muppet' and told him hiding stuff about it is a problem not the hobby as such. (He's a pigeon fancier, if anyone is wondering lol) it's not my cup of tea but it rocks his boat so I tend to keep my gob shut about it.

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I had a weird but feeling that something wasn't right so I tried logging into his online phone billing account again. Strangely he'd changed the password from the original one, so I had to request a new one. I checked his billing info and again nothing in calls/texts but huge amounts of web use. I dug a little further and found he is accessing it when he's out in the garden, when he's gone to the supermarket, if he's nipped out to pick something up, when he's gone up to bed before me and early hours if the morning when I'm still asleep. It all looks very strange. One particular instance to put it into perspective was Monday evening. He'd been on his iPad doing whatever for the evening when he remembered he needed to print off a CV. We tried printing it but the ink cartridge had run out. He nipped down to tesco, a 5 minute car ride to pick one up. He phoned me at 9.45 to tell me he'd got one and to check it was the correct one. The call lasted about a minute. He returned home almost 20 minutes later and on checking web activity he was online on his phone after phoning me.

Having checked now I've pinpointed days and times of when he's surfing on his phone and I'm never around at those times. He's like a secret surfer on his phone and I'm now wondering what the hell he does on there that's so secretive and time consuming.

Am I being paranoid and seeing too much into this. I've got so much shit going on at the moment with work, I really don't need this :-(

I suspect that despite all the intrigue this is going to be something incredibly mundane. I was always in the habit of almost compulsively checking a football chat site and since I always had my phone in my hand it was something I would do as I was walking along, going upstairs etc, almost just force of habit. But much more so probably when by myself than with others.

Only way you are going to know though is by checking the history of the browser on his phone. Would literally take one minute. Surely there must be an opportunity to grab it for two minutes? Can't you claim your phone has broken and grab his phone to make a call before he has a chance to say no?

Sounds like there are other issues too though even if it is innocent.

Yes - you are getting distractred by the phone usage. You have much much bigger problems.

This is just so bizarre! Can't you tell him that you know that he has been doing things on these certain times/days/dates and that unless he tells you there's going to be problems?

If he stonewalls you then just ask him to leave. It's just not right him saying he is tired but then going on his phone but what is even more odd is that he goes on through the night! That is strange...........do update me!

Captainmummy - sadly you are so right :-(

I feel like such a sodding failure. I think I'm trying to push the fact that he's just a knob aside and focus on this particular issue in the hope that if I can find out what's happening or a solution to this everything else will just fall into place.

I can't believe what my life has come to, nearly 50 and on the brink of separation. My god I sound to desperate grrrr!! I never envisioned being a divorcee or my marriage failing. I can't even contemplate the idea of being with anyone else so guess I must just be putting up with the crap. I lived moving from one place to another with my single parent mum who was in and out of relationships and never wanted that for me or my DC's.

It's not even like I'm needy or I even feel like I need a man in my life to function. I enjoy my own company and that of my DC & GC. I just can't imagine what life would be like without DH in their lives on a day to DH basis.

Maybe I've just got used to how things are that on the whole I try to blank it out and just get on with things. I've tried sooooooo many times to talk to DH but he just never listens. I'm so tired of trying to get him to understand me and my needs and concerns that I'm trying single handedly to find solutions and answers. I honestly don't know where to go from here. The future all of a sudden feels incredibly scary :-(

Fatherjake - you could be spot on there, it could be something as simple as him just checking new posts on a forum he goes on. I think I'm just focusing on the fact that he's being so secretive about it when there's absolutely no need to be if that's all it is.

Seriously, getting his phone off him is like trying to get a bone off a wild animal. It's in his pocket on him all the time, he never puts it down or leaves it lying around ever. The only time it's not on him is plugged in by the side of him in bed. Up until recently (when I moved the bedroom around) he plugged it in and out the phone in the drawer by the side of him and closed the drawer! It's like it's his most prized possession.

When he let me use it last time he stood by me till I'd finished speaking and immediately reached for it to take it back.

Quitelikely - he'd deny it, he always does. He denied everything about the EA until I found his secret phone and had the messages in black and white in my hand, even then he still tried to deny and cover his arse.

I think that this is worth repeating, from captmummy

OP - so , basically, he is a cocklodger who has no problem living off you, your money, and your efforts, who does nothing in the house or for you, who spends his days 'elsewhere' (on iPad, mobile, TV, games etc) and gives very little, if anything in exchange for his lovely comfortable life? And you are more bothered about his internet usage?

I think the OP is looking for something concrete to make it easier to get rid maybe?

Op tell him you want a divorce... The face that he puts so much energy into hiding and you into finding is horrifying.. that's not a relationship.. It sounds like a nightmare.

I really think you need to get legal advice.

Good point gamerchick, I think the OP is looking for something concrete to make it easier to get rid maybe?

So, it should come as good news to hear that you don't need a reason.

Op, have you actually asked him what he is doing? have you actually asked him to hand over his phone/ipad etc?

I'm with captain - there is so much wrong with the relationship that you are perfectly entitled to ask for a separation.

Op just because others would have issues with certain things in your marriage it doesn't mean your marriage is rubbish or whatever it's what works for you. This doesn't need to be the end, in your original post you were only concerned about the phone issue (quite rightly IMO) so maybe you should focus on that right now. After all it's what started all of this. Just demand that he takes you to the website he has been frequenting. Do not move, just keep demanding. If he has nothing to hide he will gladly show/tell you and do make sure he SHOWS you. Or maybe the next time he is on the loo you burst in. I really think you ought to confront him.

It is also very strange that he hasn't linked his phone up to your WiFi isn't it? Maybe he thinks (wrongly) that his 'secret' is more safe by not linking up to the WiFi?

Quitelikely, Op just because others would have issues with certain things in your marriage it doesn't mean...

Do you think any of the issues outlined by captainmummy are acceptable?

Just demand that he takes you to the website he has been frequenting. Do not move, just keep demanding

What do you think this will achieve? Does she stay standing there when he goes off to bed?

Personally I think the phone use is a massive red herring.

I think the fact he's not connected to your own router at home is a massive red flag. You know you can find out via that which sites have been visited, don't you? It seems he knows that, too.

Logg I do think she needs to find out what he has been doing on his phone. I think that's super important tbh. I didn't read captain mummy's post (her interpretation of the relationship) I have however read the OPs posts. And I think she might aswell talk to him about the phone thing. I am not saying other issues aren't valid though.

It's a valid point about the home WiFi as I talked to dh about it and he said 'don't they have WiFi' so it does look like he has a reason for not connecting. I mean surely his system would work faster etc.

I don't think you have much choice. Just do not give up. What will he do? Run out? Do not back down.

I do feel like I'm trying to find something concrete, something I can hold on tightly to and feel I'm justified. I know I don't really need a reason but I genuinely feel like I do. After DH's EA I made a tough decision beyond my better judgement to work through it. It's not something I would have ever previously accepted but with many years marriage, 5 DC and financial commitments although I was hurting like hell I agreed to try to move on. I suppose I feel like ending things now would be like a waste of those past agonising 6 years of learning to cope and deal with the hurt and pain he caused.

There's definitely been trust issues ever since the EA but checking up on him is so out of character for me. I feel like everytime I get this gut feeling that it brings all the horror of the past back again.

I haven't actually said anything about my concerns to him yet. This isn't the first time he's made me feel suspicious and in the past I've asked outright and although he was very defensive he did eventually tell me he'd been secretly buying pigeons because he knew I wouldn't be happy and he didn't want it to cause an argument. I accepted his explanation and just told him that keeping things from me was only going to make things worse. I might not always be happy about something but it's better to be open and honest with me. He agreed and apologised and promised not to hide anything from me again.

I don't feel I can just ask at the moment, whatever it is, innocent or not, he's hiding things from me either way. Reading the posts here have made me realise that there's so much more I need to be thinking about than just the secret surfing.

I just struck up a conversation about the job he's after. He'd texted our dd to ask if his cv had been handed in so I quizzed him on why he was so interested in getting a job now. I've made several suggestions over the past few years and he's shown little to no interest in getting a job. We've managed financially on my earnings so I've never made it a massive issue. His response to my question was that now I won't have a set wage with going into business myself and with the DC all getting older now we have less money coming in. We only get cb & tc for 1 child now and 2 have already moved out and into their own homes. It made me feel with his response that he's milked the cow dry (me being the cow) and now has to provide more for himself. Maybe I'm just being an arse and he's really doing it because he cares and wants to offer some financial support as things get tougher?

I suppose I feel like ending things now would be like a waste of those past agonising 6 years of learning to cope and deal with the hurt and pain he caused.

Have you heard of sunk costs?

Sounds like the recovery from his EA involved you eating a shit sandwich and sweeping it all under the carpet with no consequences for him and that he did not make any changes?

'He's milked the cow dry' - yep. And you will continue to pour good money after bad, with him.

So you are thinking it'll be better to chuck another 6 years on him? Rather than having a life Paid for by yourself? Your dc are obviously not dependant any more, you can still have the same relationship with them. (I divorced when I was 48 - it's nothing to be frightened of. It sounds like you are on your own anyway...)

He ,on the other hand, is facing a total life-style change. Once you've chucked him out and he has to provide for himself, and look after himself, and clean up his own mess, well, that is going to be a hurdle for him. Not before time, either.

Do you think he is having an affair and trying to sort himself financially so he can leave you and be with her? Maybe OW says they can't be together if he isn't holding his own money wise and that is reason for this about turn?

OP you are not a failure - far from it. You have been the one to keep your family going, working when he does not etc.

My Sister left and divorced her husband when she was 60. He had had countless affairs and when their youngest child left home, my Sister divorced him. Now, a few years later, she has a lovely new home and a new man friend and couldn't be happier.

Your DH sounds useless, even without the online activity and you have a long time left to live a full and happy life.

I wish you the very best.

I think when a mobile phone suddenly becomes like a partner's life support system you know that something's not right. I don't blame you for feeling like a character in a 2 person film where you don't know the script. But please don't feel like a failure. We all do our best then shit happens and sometimes yes it's of our own making but a lot of the time it just creeps up on us.

You're not burying your head in the sand and when it gets to the point you need to take action or burst you will.

MissScatterbrain - no I've never heard that saying before?

Yes I do sometimes feel that way and there were no real consequences for DH's EA. It was difficult to get over but I realise I couldn't keep banging on about it and dragging it up over and over again if I wanted to move on from it. It does still play on my mind occasionally about what really happened but I doubt very much I'll ever get the whole full and truthful story.

Captainmummy - I in no way want to chuck anymore wasted time at him, the thought of that pisses me right off. I do however wonder if I'm sat with rose tinted glasses on thinking back to how it first was, wondering if we can get that back or if he will change back to how he was.

I do often feel alone and neglected in the relationship (god that makes me sound needy!) but I guess I've just got used to the way it is and have accepted him the way he is. I just can't be arsed trying to talk about things anymore, moaning or complaining that I'm not happy with certain aspects and would like changes. It doesn't change anything when I've done all that in the past, over and over and over again so I tend to just put up with it now and let him get on with it.

BeCool - I don't think he's brave enough but I can't say for sure. When his past EA was discovered we where in the process of selling our house. We'd recently moved to a new house which was in joint names but the house we where selling was just in mine. He was able to sneak off to meet OW for coffees on occasion because I believed he was at the other house doing odd jobs while we where waiting for a sale. He told me he loved OW when I first found out, then he backtracked. At the time I wondered whether he didn't leave because of the money we would receive from the sale. He did at the time tell me he would fight for half if we split. He's said since it was said in anger and never intentional?

Quite honestly, I don't know who in their right mind would take him on and out up with him. I know I wouldn't take on someone's ex who'd been playing around behind their partners back complete with 2 pigeon lofts and a shit load of pigeons .... But maybe I'm in the minority :-/

SilverOldie - thank you for your kind words. I couldn't ever envisage being with anyone else. It would be too weird. I've spent most of my adult life with DH and starting over with someone else fills me with dread tbh :-(

Donkeys - I think I feel like a failure because I've put so much in to something and it's not working. Things have been happening and in affect I've condoned them and allowed things to continue. Although I've tried to talk to DH what feels like a million times about things he either dismisses them or nods and makes assurances he'll change or try harder.

I guess I'm just wallowing in a bit of self pity at the moment, thinking Im evidently not worthy of making changes or trying harder for. It makes me feel a bit worthless in that respect iyswim?

I've been sat awake since 1.30 this morning with everything spinning round my head. All this has opened a huge can of worms for me. I'm pretty certain he's worked out I'm checking his online statements and phone usage, there's been a dramatic downturn in web access on his phone over the past couple of days, he's hardly accessed the web at all. This is a far cry from the 'norm' since way back to October 2011!

I think I'm possibly hindering this by being around more. I've noticed when he wanders off into the back garden to the sheds I've made a beeline for the kitchen, cleaning or making use of myself in there. I can see directly out of the window so that could be worrying him enough not to risk being caught?

I think my low point came when I started to think about putting a key logger programme on the iPad to check up on him. He's recently changed passwords on things that I had always known previously. I sat here and thought WTF am I thinking, this isn't me, this isn't how my life should be. If I'm willing to stoop so low as to feel the need to check his every action I'm already fkd and wasting my time.

I've been thinking about what I get out of the relationship and how, if at all dh enhances my life. He does help out and does things, he does the shopping, makes tea most of the time, makes me a cuppa if I ask (usually without rolling his eyes) admittedly I drink far too much of it. He will take dd to orthodontist if I am busy with work. He will load the washer/dryer (this is when he wants something specific washing/drying for himself 99% of the time) but he will chuck a few bits of others in too if it needs a few extra to fill it. He occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher, this is when we're almost out of pots and I've been busy or ill. So ... He does do some things, he's not a complete waste of space.

Maybe I'm just being a selfish cow who expects too much, maybe I make DH feel like he has to hide things because he fears my anger or displeasure of his hobby. Maybe my distrust an insecurities are creating unnecessary problems/issues. Yes ... Maybe all this is my fault. But whatever or whoever may be at fault, I know I can't go on like this anymore. I'm stressed, I can't sleep, I feel sick, I feel anxious and uneasy.

I recall when DH first mentioned getting the pigeons I wasn't happy about it and told him so. I'd said that I was hoping now the DC's were older we could maybe have some more 'us' time and do things together that we hadn't been able to do for years, rides out, pub lunches etc. I felt the pigeons would be tying, time consuming and costly, aside from the fact that I really didn't want pigeons flying round shitting on my washing. I was accused of trying to control him, stopping him from enjoying a hobby he was interested in and told that if I had a hobby of my own I wouldn't moan about his. He said we didn't have to always do things together and it was good to have different interests.

Now I totally agree with the latter. However, in all our years together he's made me feel like shit for wanting to do anything or go anywhere that didn't involve him. He's constantly told me I'm his best friend and he loves being with me, he's never liked me spending time with friends and if friends came round or I went visiting he would almost always want to be a part of it, wanting to be involved, joining in, joking around with them and playing the 'fun friendly guy'.

Now I'm starting up my own business and this involves long hours away from the home without him, spending a couple of days away now and then in London (we're in Manchester) and he's suddenly all for it, encouraging me, telling me that it will all be financially worth it in the end. It's all such a huge change in him it's really bizarre. I just can't work out WTF is going on anymore :-(

Sunk costs are costs that have already been incurred and can never be recovered. You need to accept that you have chucked away the 6 years you have spent staying with this man, eating your shit sandwich after his affair - why the fuck have you let him stayed when he failed to be honest and open? why were there no consequences for him? no wonder he does not respect you and has continued to be deceitful and secretive.

Please do not throw away any more years by taking control. Stop all this stalking as its driving you insane. Just tell him you want a relationship that's honest, open, respectful and loving and if he does not want this then that's it.

It sounds very much like he is plotting something and given how selfish he is, it will only benefit him....I would pull the rug from under him and tell him he's had his chances.

Op like I said I do think you might have a marriage worth holding onto. So it might not be every bodies way but you know your last post made it sound fine. Life just isn't as perfect as some seem to have it on here. People aren't perfect, husbands are flawed and bad things can happen.

It is rather bizarre that the usage has stopped! You do need to get to the bottom of that, you really do. You have got a strong reason to believe he is hiding something and he's strengthened that now he has stopped accessing whatever it was he was looking at! You need to confront him about this. People on here do give brilliant advice/analysis of situations but I mean you said all was fine apart from this one thing. I think it's hard going labelling him a c@& lodger just because he has not followed an honourable life/been the perfect husband.

Do this one thing and then look at the relationship. It is getting blown out of proportion IMO, well at the moment. If its OW then you will of course have food for though but he needs confronting

Is he not planning on buying a mega expensive pigeon and now it's completed maybe?