Trying to hold it together but screaming inside!

[Missesbumble]

I don't really know where to start, but I'll try to be as clear as possible.

I think DH is up to something but I've no idea what, it's driving me insane that I know there's something not right but can't find any real proof.

Basically DH spends a lot of time on his iPad, chatting on hobby forums, gaming etc but nothing untoward on his browsing history. However, his phone bill tells a different story. I'd suspected something was amiss a year or so ago and since DH has online billing I couldn't check his phone records. It all began over me asking could I use his phone because mine had died and he got all possessive over it. Kept telling me mine would be charged enough to use soon, he didn't want me breaking his yadda yadda. I got a bit pissed off by his response and asked what his problem was, had he something to hide. He got all defensive on me and began arguing shifting it all on to me and accusing me of being paranoid.

He eventually let me use his phone but the seed of doubt had been planted. I asked to see his bills and after him trying to blow me off with, I've got issues, he couldn't remember his password etc etc he eventually remembered his password when I wouldn't back off.

There was nothing incriminating in calls or texts but I did notice a huge amount if web activity on his phone. I asked what he was doing surfing on his phone so much when he was constantly on the iPad and he gave some lame excuse about he knew his obsession with his hobby bugged me sometimes so he used his phone rather than the iPad so I wouldn't get annoyed. At the time I just thought 'muppet' and told him hiding stuff about it is a problem not the hobby as such. (He's a pigeon fancier, if anyone is wondering lol) it's not my cup of tea but it rocks his boat so I tend to keep my gob shut about it.

Anyway, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I had a weird but feeling that something wasn't right so I tried logging into his online phone billing account again. Strangely he'd changed the password from the original one, so I had to request a new one. I checked his billing info and again nothing in calls/texts but huge amounts of web use. I dug a little further and found he is accessing it when he's out in the garden, when he's gone to the supermarket, if he's nipped out to pick something up, when he's gone up to bed before me and early hours if the morning when I'm still asleep. It all looks very strange. One particular instance to put it into perspective was Monday evening. He'd been on his iPad doing whatever for the evening when he remembered he needed to print off a CV. We tried printing it but the ink cartridge had run out. He nipped down to tesco, a 5 minute car ride to pick one up. He phoned me at 9.45 to tell me he'd got one and to check it was the correct one. The call lasted about a minute. He returned home almost 20 minutes later and on checking web activity he was online on his phone after phoning me.

Having checked now I've pinpointed days and times of when he's surfing on his phone and I'm never around at those times. He's like a secret surfer on his phone and I'm now wondering what the hell he does on there that's so secretive and time consuming.

Am I being paranoid and seeing too much into this. I've got so much shit going on at the moment with work, I really don't need this :-(

Does he work at all?

If he's gaming online is it gaming forums he is accessing? My DS is constantly on these forums - he games on his PC and has his mobile accessing the forums at the same time. Some of these forums are like the male equivalent of Mumsnet. He has just split up with a girlfriend, partly because she was fed up of his need to check in to these forums everyday - and he has now gone on the forum to talk about his relationship problems. Quite a few of his friends are the same, but they are all early 20s.

He wouldn't leave, I've asked in the past. He has 2 large pigeon lofts in the back garden and god knows how many pigeons in them. He's obsessed with them. He has no where to go and I'm not looking after the bloody things for him.

He's not worked for over 10 years, it worked well while the DC where young and gave me chance to work without constant interruptions. I've still done all the housework, most of the laundry etc being able to work between.

As the DC got older I've asked numerous times if he fancies getting a job and even advised him of vacancies I've seen. He applied online for post office for temp Christmas staff a couple of times but no success. Last week my dd mentioned a vacancy at her partners work on nights and I mentioned it to DH, strangely he's actually done a cv and applied for it. To say I was in shock is an understatement, he's never wanted to get off his arse and work before apart from helping out his brother now and again!

No, he plays on apps on the iPad, some the DC's have downloaded and others he's downloaded himself. He plays games like snooker, some racing car game and recently become addicted to farm heros over the past couple of weeks. I started playing it when my dd suggested it, DH would have a go now and then and then he started his own game to try to beat me on it.

Have you seen a lawyer?

He's pretty much using you as a meal ticket while he pursues his hobbies and affairs at your expense.

No I've never thought to take things that far. I grew up without my father and never wanted to face divorce tbh.

My mum left me some money when she died. I'm now pursing what she wanted me to do, it's been a slog coping without her, she was always my rock through everything.

I never wanted her money and it's been sitting in the bank since she passed. DH has been saying he needs a new van several times and looking at car auctions, he's even been looking at a couple. I think he assumed some of the money would be used for that and tbh I probably would have let him have it all, the money meant nothing to me. I just want my mum back.

My mum always supported and encouraged me and I know she'd be happy with what I've now decided to do with her money. She didn't leave a massive amount but what there is will be swallowed up by the business venture and will need to start making a profit soon or things could get very tough. If we separated I know DH would demand a share of the business :-(

Don't give him a penny of your mother's money.

She'd turn in her grave if she saw even more of your money being used to support this cruel and lazy man.

And see a lawyer.

Does being married to someone mean you automatically get a share of a business you had no part in setting up?

I don't know.

But you need to know how you can get yourself away from him.

You must get rid of this man. He will bleed you dry. He doesn't love you, he just considers you a handy meal ticket.
See a solicitor.

So he doesn't even work and contribute to the household but spends money on pigeon fancying and you are alright with that???

Sorry but he's definitely up to something, he doesn't have to physically leave the house to meet a woman, he can be talking to them online, there's loads of different avenues.

He's got history of cheating and that appeared to be brushed under the carpet, what's to stop him again, there wasn't much consequence in the past.

What the hell are you getting out of this relationship, it seems very one sided.

Communicating with someone on shift work or in a different time zone would be my guess.

An emotional affair in the past and bags of free time to do as he pleases. No job and no domestic input, he has had it good.

Never mind what he gets out of life with you, what do you get?

I'd stop fretting and start looking into how to protect your assets and how to extricate yourself.

I don't like the sound of this situation, this set up, this gas lighter of a man who has already cheated. You seem to be being used as well as being disrespected, and lied to. He is deceitful.

Please do not give any of your mothers money to him or spend any of it on him. See a solicitor with regards to your business....now. If he wants a van tell him to work and get the money and buy own himself forgodssake.

You would not lose your DC and GC if you parted from this person surely....he is too lazy to be called a 'man' really. Is he also a lazy father and grandfather?

Solution of the pigeons? Accidentally leave the door open, let them fly out....problem solved.

I think you would be definitely happier, less stressed and worried and be able to live your own peaceful life with your own finances and business if you were on your own.

Solution of the pigeons? Accidentally leave the door open, let them fly out....problem solved.

Would that work with homing pigeons?

Wouldn't they just keep coming back? :o

...'buy it himself....

Doh! of course Join.
A homing pigeon is for life. They are stuck to this man for life but I hope the OP isn't. She seems very unhappy.

What does he need a new van for? It's not like he needs one for work to contribute to the household expenses.
I was going to say that well, like a lot of sahm he enabled you to work etc but you had to do the housework and washing as well as working?!

Do not give him any of that money, you need it for your business.

Every penny I will leave my children will be money that I've worked hard to get. I want any money I leave them to be spent on making their own lives happier and more fulfilling.

The thought of working hard and leaving my money to a man like this... well, there are no words. He is lazy and deceitful and not someone who deserves a helping hand from your mum. He's had you funding him for ten years; now you intend to give him your mum's money too? No, OP. No.

This CV he's written - is this the one where he snuck out of the house late at night to buy a printer cartridge? Have you thought that he wanted to get out of the house for his own hidden reasons rather than because he wanted to write a CV? Could you have printed that CV for him at work the next day? Was it really vital that he printed it that night?

Could you for a third edifice in the garden?
Just for him?

MissesB, like others have said there are enough red flags here regardless of knowing what he's actually doing. And you're a woman so your gut feeling that something is dodgy is enough for me! And remember we all know the best way to stop someone asking questions and digging is to point the finger back and make then feel bad. Men do it particularly well and women are vulnerable because we loath being called 'paranoid' or 'crazy' or 'controlling' etc.
If we look just at what you do know for sure, for some reason he needs to access the internet outside your home which obviously means the secrecy issue is with the content. Gambling? Maybe, but you earn the money so I can't imagine you wouldn't have uncovered this in your diggings. There would be other signs of this.

This leaves only porn and chat/forums that I can think of he wouldn't want you to know about. But most men would just do these things at home and keep an eye out to shut the page down quickly when intruded upon. You feel like he is needing to actually do whatever he is doing somewhere there is no chance of being caught and, you seem to be suggesting he is creating opportunities for this. ie. printing off the CV. If it's just that he likes to use the internet when you're not around, I would be less worried because I think a lot of us do that and aren't doing anything wrong. But if he's taking every opportunity as well as creating ones where he can do this, it's obvious he's doing something he knows you wouldn't like. Pigeon porn maybe!
I guess in reading your story, although I agree with much of what others have said, my mind automatically considered another possibility which could fit with his behavior not just recently but for the duration of the marriage. You said you never found much out about the EA with OW. Are you sure that it was a woman?
As women, our analysis very often doesn't include this one and yet it is more common than we know. Your situation got me wondering if there hasn't been other odd behaviours and moments throughout the marriage that have left you baffled? Things explained away but never really to your satisfaction. Completely disregard me if I am way off the mark. I just thought it worth mentioning because it very quickly came to mind.

The thing that occurred to me was that he is talking to someone rather than just accessing sites. As GettingMeBack says, he could just close the site if he was on anything dodgy. However, if he was actually talking, you would hear, so he would need to be somewhere else. Having said that, I've just re-read your original OP and realised he's doing this in the middle of the night when you are there.

All I can think is that he's having an affair and is in contact with her in some way.

I've never looked at my web usage - can it be set to show the sites viewed, too?

Hi all, sorry I'm limited with time so will answer what I can.

The OW was defo a women it was someone I knew that I no longer have contact with. DH knows where she works and may have started something up again at a later date when the dust settled I guess. He doesn't have much physical access to women with being at home most of the time but online is obviously a different matter.

My friend has checked to see if he's on whatsapp and it appears he isn't. Billing info doesn't show websites or content just access and volume of mb usage.

OP, are your children old enough for school? Is he actually alone during school hours?

Youngest is 13 and only one still at school, she gets the bus or is picked up by a friends mum, DH very rarely does school run. I work from home at the moment. DH is usually pottering about at home or in garden, he occasionally goes to visit family or for animal feed. He goes shopping at night usually alone. Having checked online billing he usually accesses web on his phone whenever he's out of the house almost every time.

My friend thinks he may be checking a secret email account?

nothing in calls/texts but huge amounts of web use

Don't see how that suggests OW... But - Porn? Webcam Girls? Online/Affair websites? Might be looking to cheat (sorry) but lack of texts etc suggests no particular OW on the go.

Do you have access to his emails at all?

Also, really sorry to hear about your Mum

Surely there is some way you can tell what he has been accessing? Isn't it all stored somewhere, even if deleted? Any geeks or friends if geeks who can find out?

I'm so curious! Come on IT geeks!