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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help needed re housing situation

38 replies

gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 01:15

ExP and I split up nearly 3 years ago after he met someone else. To begin with he suggested instead of him paying maintenance for our 2 dc's he would pay the mortgage. This then changed to him paying half the mortgage, £120, and he is now saying he can't afford this and is wanting to sell the house so he can buy a property with his gf.

I can afford the mortgage payments, just, myself along with every other bill and expenses but I am unable to buy him out as I only work 3 days a week and my salary would not enable me to take over the whole mortgage alone.

I really don't want to sell for many reasons. Firstly the children are really settled, good school, great childminder locally and as it is a small village I couldn't not rent a house here. Also our mortgage is only £240 a month , I could never rent a house for that amount.
He is saying he is going to instruct a valuation on the house to get it on the market but can he do this without my agreement. The mortgage is on joint names and we are both on the title deeds.

I haven't been able to sleep for days with the worry of it all, can anyone help re advice on this?

OP posts:
Terrortree · 19/02/2014 01:18

Where in the world are you?

This will help with anyone giving advice. I suspect not the UK, and you need to seek out a solicitor if not in the UK.

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 01:21

Hi I'm in Scotland

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 19/02/2014 01:23

greg - just do not agree, and apply for maintenance thro the CSA or whatever it is called these days.
just say no no no!
he cannot do this without your agreement, I am quite sure.

NigellasDealer · 19/02/2014 01:23

tell him you will sell the house when the children are both over 18

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 01:28

I really need to get proper legal advice as I feel he is trying to bully me just now but I just feel so stressed at the minute I thought I would ask any wise mumsnetters for any advice they may have.

He is also demanding a key for the house now as he is saying it is still his house and should be able to come in whenever he wants . Do I have to give him this?

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 19/02/2014 01:30

yes greg you must go and get some proper advice, however i am sure that he would not be able to do this.
as for a key to the house, tell him to get lost, he left didn't he?
grr it makes me so angry !!

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 01:35

Thank you, I get free legal advice through my work so will give them a phone in the morning.

OP posts:
Terrortree · 19/02/2014 01:36

Okay. I asked because your post as I read it came up with what look like Australian dollar indications!

Firstly, get yourself down the Scottish CAB. And be prepared to work your way around free solicitor's appointments. Then choose one you want to advocate for you.

I take it you are not married - whilst this is a hindrance it is not anywhere near 'roll over and accept a tickle issue'.

You have a shared mortgage, either way - an equal claim to the home?

The children are his biological DCs?

You need to be 'fierce tiger mum'.

He intends to take away the only home, way of life, and school from his kids to give himself financial freedom?

He would sell your children's bedrooms, their security, their friendships, their education in order to improve his way of life?

Pretty shitty when its written down like that, isn't it?

I'm sorry if I'm projecting, but your children have not yet hit adulthood. Please try to deal with the childhood issues first. Children need parents to take care of them. Adults need to protect children.

That rule applies to both of you.

Best wishes

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 01:44

Thank you, I think I've been going along with things, like him paying the grand total 120 a month, so as not to cause any ructions that the dc's could pick up on. Yes they are his dc's.

I have pointed all this out to him but he is just seeing how this mortgage his hindering his plans with his gf.

My worry is that if I say by selling this house he is making the dc's homeless he might turn round and say they could stay with him. I'm probably not being very rational there.

Just to add he is one of these dad's who says he loves his children a lot, actions have proved to be somewhat different.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 19/02/2014 01:51

greg i am sure one party cannot just sell a house without the agreement of the other!
please try not to worry too much until you have the correct advice.

Terrortree · 19/02/2014 01:56

In all the time you've been separated, how much has he taken care of the children?

If he wishes to relinquish you of the children, then he's got a rather large hill to climb to prove a) you are not capable of bringing up the children and b) his actions post separation have been in the best interests of the children.

As long as you are doing the right thing as your children's parent, your new motto must be 'I am tiger mum'.

You have no need to point anything out to him. You need a solicitor, as does he.

I once instructed (hired) a solicitor (for a non child related matter), the defendant pointed out that if I were to proceed with persecuting him for my rights via a solicitor, he would have to instruct a solicitor himself.

He seemed to think this was a threat.

My solicitor pointed out to him, that as he was advocating for me, it would be in his best interests to instruct one for himself since this was a matter of law. Solicitors are best when dealing with matters of law.

Ergo, get a solicitor - and let them negotiate for you.

You can't stop a fuckwit being a fuckwit. In the interim let a solicitor spell out his fuckwittery to the court.

Best wishes.

TheseAreTheJokesFolks · 19/02/2014 02:12

Another one who thought if you were main primary care giver the house could not be sold until kids were 16...in the meantime you pay the mortgage and live in the home but he retains his equity at time of sale in the future?
Then take the twunt via whatever the equivalent of the CSA is these days and make sure he pays proper maintenance for both children.
I despair. He sounds a joy. You have had a lucky escape there OP - do not give in and furthermore no way on this planet do you give him a key.
He could take away possessions, act like a real arse and move in with girlfriend or chane the locks on you. Just don't. Get Lawyered up.

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 07:36

Thank you for all your replies, currently on the shelter website

OP posts:
SerenaBracken · 19/02/2014 07:49

I don't know about Scotland, but in England some mortgage lenders will take into account certain benefits in assessing mortgage criteria.
Therefore, I would find out first what I am entitled to and then approach a lender.
John Charcol is a broker here who arranges them, so worth giving them a ring.
I guess from your mortgage payments, that to buy your ex out wouldn't cost a great deal.

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 08:44

I work for a bank and have looked into it but my wages are not enough to cover it, although I could, just about, manage the monthly payments myself.
The only benefits I get are child benefit and child tax credit. I wi have a look today for other lenders who might take this into account, thank you for your reply

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2014 08:52

You need a solicitor for this I'm afraid. ASAP.

If he is abusive and you are suffering anxiety/depression from his treatment of you and have been seen by medical professionals it is possible you could get a supporting letter to qualify for legal aid.

BadlyShavedYeti · 19/02/2014 08:52

Get yourself to the CSA as mortgage lenders recognise payments from the CSA when it comes to mortgages, however, they do not recognise private agreements.

He cannot instruct anybody to value the house without your permission, if he does, refuse to let them in.

You dont have to sell, he would have to start a very costly court case to force you to sell and to be honest, the judge would probably rule in your favour as you can afford the payments.

Do not let him bully you, even a court case will take months to happen, dont panic, you have time on your side. Like I said, it will take months before court etc (and once he sees the cost he will probably change his mind). so nothing can be done straightaway.

Ignore him.

Offred · 19/02/2014 08:53

I think it is the child maintenance service now not the CSA who have closed for new cases.

Offred · 19/02/2014 08:56

But yes, you need to get maintenance ASAP and I'm not sure why he thinks he could stop paying the maintenance anyway just because he chose to pay the maintenance in the form of mortgage payments. He can't just pay nothing!

You can do a maintenance calculation here; www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

Offred · 19/02/2014 08:59

It is highly likely he should be paying more than £120 a month anyway.

Offred · 19/02/2014 09:03

What he is paying now would be correct if he earned only £185 per week before tax. It is extremely likely he earns a lot more than than.

Original poster
gregthepeg · 19/02/2014 09:08

Thank you, He recently gave up his job, he wasn't made redundant. I thought I was doing the best for the kids by causing as little fuss as possible and showing them that we get on but I understand now I need to toughen up a bit.
The frustrating thing is it is a lovely 3 bedroom house in nice area with a large garden that is costing 240 a month in mortgage payments. I just could not get anything to rent for that money

OP posts:
SerenaBracken · 19/02/2014 09:09

Yes, as Yeti said, it must be a formal agreement with the CSA and have been paid regularly for six months previous I believe.
Try stashing as much cash as possible in case ex refuses to pay a month. Any relatives could help out?

There are other threads here on the subject of benefits and mortgages, saw them on google this morning. I'm useless at the internal search facilities so maybe someone else could find them.

Good luck as it would give you such security to have your own place.

Offred · 19/02/2014 09:12

So he gave up work to avoid paying maintenance and has decided instead of working he is going to sell his children's home and live off that money?! Wow... Astonishingly bad! :(

It is really tough when you have an ex like this. It is as important to challenge, and for the kids to see you challenge, bad behaviour by your ex, as it is to try to get on IMO. The kids will need to learn to call him on it when he screws them over too no doubt.

You can get emotional and practical support from women's aid with something like this you know? You don't have to go it alone.

SerenaBracken · 19/02/2014 09:12

Just had a thought. If there isn't a relative with cash help, would one be willing to be your guarantor?