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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in love with an alcoholic

81 replies

Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:00

I've been seeing this fella since end of July 2013
Met on a drunken nite I was more drunk than him had kiss n cuddle at my mates week later he's asks for my number texts me and ask me would I like to go for a drink I go. Have good time yes go back to his yes have sex
I seen him ever week 4 times or less depending on his work and mine says from third fourth date he doesn't do girlfriends which at time seems cool to me until I become hooked omg he always 99 % of time texts me which is fine but when I text him most of time he don't answer or drunk or sleeping or busy or whatever
I feel with dime if the comments he has made he never got over his ex he text me 1 nite said something which I thought was inappropriate I said to him it was then I said hope u get back with ur ex all the best
My mate just said to me tonite that 3 weeks ago he ask for a girls number
I been with him Friday nite 14 and the Friday nite before he text me the week before that but I didn't go and see him he told me in Friday nite that he loved me so much
Can some please advice me thanks

OP posts:
littleballerina · 16/02/2014 21:40

If you have children and start a relationship with this man you are being incredibly selfish.

I grew up with an alcoholic father.

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:42

I've never brought him to my home and don't have any intentions so far to bring into my home with my family

OP posts:
littleballerina · 16/02/2014 21:44

So you just want sex rather than a relationship?

TonyThePony · 16/02/2014 21:44

Phrases like 'Im addicted to him' make me think maybe you're addicted to the drama of this. If it were me, I'd have got bored by now.

It surprises me that people actually choose to live their lives like this; expending so much energy on people or situations that are just not worth the hassle.

Just be single, it has to be easier than this.

Superworm · 16/02/2014 21:46

This happened to my friend. She fell hook line and sinker. He was a drinker. Eventually they moved in together. It was love.

Five years, much heartache and abuse later she left. She was a broken women. Homeless, jobless and tens of thousands of pounds in debt.

Ca. You change your number and get some counselling?

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:48

No I don't want sex someone to love and respect me just support me be there for me be a couple partnership share and care for one Another

OP posts:
Superworm · 16/02/2014 21:49

An alcoholic won't respect you.

They won't really love you either.

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:50

I'm on list for counselling

OP posts:
Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:51

Super worm
Thanks

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2014 21:52

Simply put, his primary relationship is with drink. Not you.

He will not be able to give you what you so want from a man because he loves alcohol more than you.

I think you need to completely reassess why you are actually with such a person in the first place. Saying that you "love him" is not a reason to stay with the alcoholic. Some innate needs of yours (perhaps some need to be loved, wanted, needed, the intense highs and deep lows, the love to be loved feeling etc) are being met here; you are getting something from this after all so you stay and allow yourself to be dragged down by him. Bad for you, even worse for your children.

teaandthorazine · 16/02/2014 21:53

No I don't want sex someone to love and respect me just support me be there for me be a couple partnership share and care for one Another

An alcoholic won't be able to do any of those things for you.

Believe me. Been there, done that. Am still dealing with the pain his alcoholism causes, despite leaving him ten years ago.

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:53

Tonythepony
Thanks
I don't like the drama would like a normal relationship yes I've fallen for someone with a addiction I would like to change how I feel and I am working on it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/02/2014 21:55

I would suggest you start reading "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood along with "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie. Codependency often is a feature of such dysfunctional relationships hence this suggestion.

Superworm · 16/02/2014 21:56

That's great you are in the list for counselling. Try and hang out getting involved with anyone in the mean time. Hard I know.

The relationship you want is out there, just not with this guy.

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 21:59

Thanks meerkat
I will look those book up grateful for any advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 22:01

I have done great things in my life set myself fantastic goals got there when it's comes to this man I feel such I weakness and I have never felt this weakness before I don't like it

OP posts:
Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 22:02

Super worm I'm trying

OP posts:
horsetowater · 16/02/2014 22:07

OK Stars. You say you are not a selfish person and he is. Perhaps because you are not selfish and don't recognise it in others. Sometimes being 'selfish' is related to having self-esteem. If you are a kind and gentle person it might be that you have low self-esteem and are eager to please. People with lower self-esteem often really admire those with hight self-esteem because they see in them what they want for themselves.

Abusers have an obsession with power and this appears as high self-esteem and confidence, of course it's a cover for insecurity but that's how it appears. This man is desperate to keep you hooked on his drug as it's the only way he can form relationships.

I think he is potentially very dangerous.

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 22:08

Thank to all for your advise sorry haven't replied in
To all you individually
Thanks

OP posts:
littleballerina · 16/02/2014 22:09

But by wanting that kind of relationship from someone you will at some point introduce him to your children.

Well done for signing up to counselling. The fact that you've posted on here means to me that you know that it's unlikely to work and that you need to look within you for the love and respect that you believe that this man can give you.

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 22:13

Yes horsetowater
I feel I have low self esteem probably don't like to say that I have but yes , I am a very gentle giving person like u have said and I go feel very used and yes if I'm honested sometimes very controlled I am so very independent have great kids home and good job but let him be my weakness and I don't know how I can change me just for me

OP posts:
horsetowater · 16/02/2014 22:17

Stars you know what you have to do. Plan what you are going to say, where you are going to go after and how you are going to stay away from him. Stick to it for long enough for him to find someone else. He probably won't last more than a few weeks without you.

horsetowater · 16/02/2014 22:18

You don't have to change you. You are fine as you are. This man has messed with your head.

goodenuffmum · 16/02/2014 22:27

Hi Star
i spent 17 years playing the games you have started with your OH and it's only with hindsight 1 year post seperation that I realise that I should've left before I had my DC and married him. My self esteem is only starting to return along with the help of my friends, counselling and Al Anon.

I think I thought I could help him (and at the start it seemed that I was helping him). I also got a buzz off the adrenalin of all the drama and crisis that surrounded him. But at the end his selfishness won out and if I ever date again (and I'm only 43) I will run run run for the hills if a man tells me he "likes a drink".

Save yourself a lot of heartache...he will never change and you will just keep on giving and supporting until you eventually have nothing left

Good luck x

Original poster
Starsrbrite41 · 16/02/2014 22:35

Thank you horsetowater
I have enrolled in my local college doing a course lifts my mind
I do so appreciate all the advise you all have given me some light at the end if the tunnel

OP posts: