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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Baggage reclaim assclown

101 replies

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:05

A mess of a situation and I've acted badly.
Had an ea rel and never fully moved on despite good advice here, counselling, reading up, hypnotism, weeks on end of Nc- after breaking up we never really broke up, despite the fact he's now with someone else.
Anyway, I guess it's the classic situation that everyone and anyone on the outside of can see straight through but I'm in the fog of it. He says he is obsessed sexually, has me on his mind all the time and we must be out of contact again for a while and etc. The control was often in this sort of push me pull you thing. You'd have thought I'd have had a reality check often enough but apparently not. However big and busy I make my life I always miss him and however much I feel it's safe to go back into contact, it always gets in a mess. Now I need to walk and never look back. it's not as if I haven't done enough reading and soul searching, self flagellation, etc so what now?

OP posts:

AGoodPirate · 15/02/2014 23:09

Um, get a hobby?

RhondaJean · 15/02/2014 23:11

Yes stop focusing on it and him, find something else to do with your time?

Original poster

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:20

Seriously, I have done those things. I have an all consuming job and many hobbies! It doesn't work . Nor has reading, counselling, anything.

OP posts:

wileycoyote · 15/02/2014 23:28

You know you should but you don't actually want to stop? You like the drama? Bit of both?

Fairenuff · 15/02/2014 23:37

What's the longest time you have gone nc?

Original poster

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:38

No it's worse than just liking the drama, though I accept that is part of it. I had genuinely hoped it was love. I know I sound an idiot and that's ludicrous and idiotic, especially as round one of the relationship nearly lost me my work and health. It's just been an endless loop and I have never fully extricated myself. I believe all he says despite it being paradoxical headsoup. I can't really explain. I wish I knew and I wish something would help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:39

Nc, about 3 months.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/02/2014 23:40

3 months?

Well there's your answer. You need at least two years.

Original poster

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:50

Problem is I don't think ten years would be enough Nc because this one has a hold on me.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/02/2014 23:51

Do the two years first and then see how you feel.

RatherBeRiding · 15/02/2014 23:56

The only thing that will help is walking away, but you have to want to and you don't sound like you want to even though your head knows that you should.

It all sounds rather obsessive and definitely unhealthy. You say he's seeing someone else whilst telling you he can't get you out of his mind?

He's playing you and you're letting him. Take the control back and make a life without him.

AGoodPirate · 15/02/2014 23:59

Yeah do the two years then come back and if we need to think of something else at that stage mumsnet will be here! 3 months is nothing.

MsWinnieBaygo · 16/02/2014 00:13

It's never 'safe' to get back in contact with someone who has this kind of hold over you however tempting it may be. Therein lies the answer, remain NC forever and he will eventually become a distant memory/regret.

brokenhearted55a · 16/02/2014 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Justjump · 16/02/2014 09:04

I have read the book, the whole site, read all there is to read about narcissism, read Lundy, read about trauma bonds, you name it. I spoke to WA, the Samaritans, RC and I had counselling for months. It all sank in, believe me, but when I saw or spoke to him it all made no sense anymore.
I've been really stupid and am at my wits end with it but I wake up and go to sleep thinking of him and have done for years now. I don't even know what it is any more.
Since sometime last year he's been in a new relationship. I thought that that would sort things out, and that realising he was able to cheat and lie in reality (instead of me just imagining) would at last snap me out of it, but no.
I can quite understand how stupid I sound, and unpleasant, for the gf. I want to slap myself! I can't tell a soul in real life anymore as it's been secret that I was meeting him.

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 16/02/2014 09:11

What's so great about him? Genuine question. Do you have other people in your life that love you? Family?

Aussiemum78 · 16/02/2014 09:20

It is obsessive but it's also addictive.

He is like heroin to you. Toxic and logically you know it.

Emotionally you underestimate how he affects you "I can handle occasional contact, I'm not an addict@, you dramatise in your head "we are soulmates/can't live without each other" and it is this script that keeps you pulled in, and stops you from healing.

Like a smoker who has to break a coffee routine to stop smoking, you need to break the angst/drama in your head while going nc. Change the script to he is not healthy for me, I can do better. Be consistent, reward yourself for being strong, keep at it.

Don't be self defeating - I will miss him forever etc etc. you will get past this.

Original poster

Justjump · 16/02/2014 09:37

That's the question- I have family, friends, dcs, love around me. I am really fortunate in that. He is just the one though. And I don't even believe in the one. After the dcs, he's the person I most like to spend time with. Despite everything, it's incredibly easy to speak to him. He makes me laugh. He is weird and has a different slant on everything. There's intimacy. But as a partner to me he was impossible and the whole relationship is/ was volatile.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justjump · 16/02/2014 09:42

Aussiemum yes exactly. I have never taken heroin but I have smoked. I imagine heroin to have exactly the same effect as spending time with him- it is like being drugged- it's so 'other' to the time I ever spend with anyone else. I am bit sure whether he experiences it in the same way but I think maybe so. And it's never ever been ok to go back, have tried several times at least. Just like smoking, where even one puff could get me back to 10 a day.

OP posts:

Aussiemum78 · 16/02/2014 10:03

If the relationship was volatile, why do you tell yourself he is "the one"? If he was the one the relationship would have been better.

See what I mean about the mental "script" keeping you stuck?

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2014 10:17

Something else that might help is to keep away from all 'romance' in the form of books or films. Unfortunately for you, we live in a culture that makes a big deal out of 'The One' and dramatic, childish, volatile relationships like the one you seem to be so obsessed with. It's actually just misogyny in action: women are supposed to make Romance the focus of their lives and, in the light of that, put up with all manner of crap from men. WHy not try a dose of hardcore feminism to wake you up?
Your family and friends are probably bored shitless with you wailing about this tiresome knobber by now, have you thought of that?

ScottishPies · 16/02/2014 10:29

this sounds like a tricky situation - could i ask ...

How long were you together - including the on/off stage?

How long since you seperated?

You said there was 3mths no contact - what happened for there to be contact?

Original poster

Justjump · 16/02/2014 10:29

solidgold I don't even speak to anyone about it anymore. And believe it or not, I am a feminist activist- that's one of my 'hobbies'!! All the more reason to be so disgusted with myself. I also recognise that he is a misogynist and at the very least controlling. And I KNOW that films are bullshit and have explained this at length to my dcs as well. Honestly, I don't know what is the matter with me- if it fitted logic it would have been over years ago. I don't know if I'm going to have to go in for something very woooo to shake this off, like trepanning or something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justjump · 16/02/2014 10:41

3 years on and off, periods of Nc of about 6 weeks usually. Can't give too much detail without outing. Nc got to the stage where it was almost killing me, by which I mean seeing the GP about depression as I wasn't sleeping or functioning by that point. Ten or so months since big split.

OP posts:

Stockhausen · 16/02/2014 10:46

I think you need to break the habit, focus on your life & your children. You need to want to do it though, which doesn't sound likely from your posts.

Going cold turkey, change numbers, emails etc etc. Make it harder for him to contact you... unless you are the one breaking nc?

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