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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Baggage reclaim assclown

101 replies

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:05

A mess of a situation and I've acted badly.
Had an ea rel and never fully moved on despite good advice here, counselling, reading up, hypnotism, weeks on end of Nc- after breaking up we never really broke up, despite the fact he's now with someone else.
Anyway, I guess it's the classic situation that everyone and anyone on the outside of can see straight through but I'm in the fog of it. He says he is obsessed sexually, has me on his mind all the time and we must be out of contact again for a while and etc. The control was often in this sort of push me pull you thing. You'd have thought I'd have had a reality check often enough but apparently not. However big and busy I make my life I always miss him and however much I feel it's safe to go back into contact, it always gets in a mess. Now I need to walk and never look back. it's not as if I haven't done enough reading and soul searching, self flagellation, etc so what now?

OP posts:
Stockhausen · 16/02/2014 10:49

Oh & id seriously consider moving too, a fresh start literally.

Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 10:55

I have considered moving, but can't take dcs from their dad or go without them

OP posts:
Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 10:56

So the fresh start has to be in my head and it must start.

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 16/02/2014 11:09

Get rid of anything sentimental, break contact with mutual acquaintances, change your routine.

Book a holiday?

I understand how you feel...

Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 11:16

Aussie, when he began his new rel I burnt EVERYthing on a bonfire. I really do accept that now is the time for me to get healthy. I have a couple of trips and things booked in. Only one mutual acquaintance but some mutual spaces I can't avoid totally, but can avoid as much as possible. I know that it will lessen given enough time. I think I still have a bit of oxytocin running about in me at the moment, that will go. I will feel a lack though. But the last thing I want is to be the shady ex.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 13:47

But you haven't even tried!

3 months is nothing. What would you say to someone who tried to give up smoking and wailed, I can't do it, I'll never do it, I've tried everything, nothing works...

When all they did was stop for 3 months Hmm

And then they go on and on about how it's killing them.

Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 13:58

Yes that's fair enough. It's not going to kill me, just make me sad and flat but in fact I'm pretty used to that. It's just a case of cutting the crap and getting his voice out of my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 13:59

I think it's because it's his rules all the time, and they're stupid, arbitrary rules that he breaks anyway.

OP posts:
Stockhausen · 16/02/2014 14:00

You could move locally, so you have a new address that he doesn't know.

Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 14:05

It's not his rules. His rules mean no more to you than they do to me. The only person stopping you from moving on is you.

Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 15:20

Oh well. I guess I'll get there in the end somehow. I can't see why everything has to be so drastic, why can't people just be friends and everything be ok.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 16:24

Because that doesn't work for you. Move on.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/02/2014 16:25

Perhaps what you are really addicted to is the way he makes you feel about yourself. How you experience yourself in his company.

These sort of obsessive infatuated relationships are often ego states in action with the illusion of an 'amazing connection'.

It can be a form of narcissism and very hard to relinquish because it affects how you view yourself.

It's less to do with 'extraordinary' old him than you may feel. It could be you seeking a particular version of yourself.

Perhaps seek a creative output which makes you feel excited about who you are without any recourse to using his image or your relationship with his image.

I can relate to what you say, and you sound so adrenalised and so excited - that's hard to give up too.

Also, considering walking the walk for your children - whatever you teach them is in contrast to the example you're showing them.

Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 16:37

Atrocious, that makes total sense, thank you so much. Although I know he has narcissistic traits I'm also realising that it's my own reflection there- the ONLY time those parts of me arise are with him- the conversation just bounced along and anything seemed possible, literally anything. Most of the time life is a lot more constraining than that.
It's lonely without him despite the fact I am very lucky really.
I do think though that some things defy rational analysis. I felt the second I saw him that he was it, by which I mean the person I was meant to meet. Yes a load of bollocks out of a Sleeping Beauty DVD but never had that feeling before and I am well on in years.
This is going to be quite a process. I just wonder how to do the days. I have some landmarks coming up but not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 18:06

I'm scared to move on is what it boils down to. Sad this evening. Don't want to go back to where I was a few months ago and will need a massive effort of will.

OP posts:
Stockhausen · 16/02/2014 18:08

How old are your kids?

How about you focus on being a good mum?

Original poster
Justjump · 16/02/2014 19:20

They always always come first, then work. That's something he never liked but is non negotiable. Being a good mum is paramount. I'm not going to be weeping into my soup and neglecting them. But a mum is not all I am, while it's the most important part of me. When they're with their dad I work. That's lonely.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 17/02/2014 01:39

You really have got your head stuck up your arse over this. Neither you nor he are 'special snowflakes' with a Twue Luv that is terribly important and misunderstood. He's an unpleasant knob who has dumped you, though he likes to feed his ego by rattling your lead from time to time to see if you will still leap in the air and piddle with joy at the sound of your master's voice.

You need to get over the idea that 'some things defy rational analysis'. There's nothing supernatural about either this dickhead or about you. You're just getting off, on some level, on the idea that you are 'special' and so is your love life. FOr everyone who is into longterm relationships, there is a pretty big pool of other people who are attractive to you, available and not horrible. GO and find another one.

Original poster
Justjump · 17/02/2014 08:52

Cheers solid- that is the kind of thing I need. Perhaps what defies rational analysis is my own stupidity! I suppose all I meant is that a reason I can't get to grips with this and walk on is because it seems quite foggy and overwhelming and it's cutting it to bare bones I can't do- for example he certainly did dump me, a couple of times, and it floored me both times. But then he remained verbally intense, and physical. So it was hard to make sense of.
Even when he began his new rel he didn't stop that. And no, I didn't stop letting him, although I did begin to journey out through reading and counselling.
That's why I need constant reminders that I need to wake up and see clearly, because he does have enormous sway over me. Of course it's like dog and master because, like all abusive men, he got me very well trained.
Head up arse is about right and I seriously need help to get it out! So please keep talking to me. I mean it that I have tried to escape this, I haven't been able to- yet.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 10:09

You haven't tried.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/02/2014 10:20

OK, here's a little trick that might help. Make a picture of this man in your mind. Imagine him sitting on the loo, skidmarked pants round his ankles, hair unwashed, nose running nice and green, food stains on his shirt, farting and groaning away and maybe fiddling with his limp willy from time to time. Make the picture as detailed as you can. Every time you think of him, bring up this picture.

(sorry to anyone reading this thread while eating breakfast...)

Original poster
Justjump · 17/02/2014 10:35

Fairenuff, honestly, I have but failed. This time I need it to be the last. I just don't know what the hell is going to work, though solid's image is most helpful!!
I can understand why you would find this exasperating and want to take the piss, I do too, it's been a year of banging my head against a brick wall. Stupid.
For ages I did not accept he was abusive, it had to be spelled out to me time and time again, by the GP, my counsellor, friends, family, mumsnetters and women's aid.
I just want to cut him, it, out of me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/02/2014 10:40

Do you generally struggle emotionally to "feel" things? Whether it be happiness or pain?

Original poster
Justjump · 17/02/2014 10:45

No, not really, I don't know. I feel both those things often. I feel numb when it comes to him. When I started to fully experience the pain and rage of what he'd done to me I couldn't cope with it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 10:45

3 months isn't trying OP.

3 months is a 'token'.

Like I said, you need to give it two years. Do that first and then come back if you're still so into him.

Guess what? You won't be.

Stop 'trying' and start 'doing'.