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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Baggage reclaim assclown

101 replies

Justjump · 15/02/2014 23:05

A mess of a situation and I've acted badly.
Had an ea rel and never fully moved on despite good advice here, counselling, reading up, hypnotism, weeks on end of Nc- after breaking up we never really broke up, despite the fact he's now with someone else.
Anyway, I guess it's the classic situation that everyone and anyone on the outside of can see straight through but I'm in the fog of it. He says he is obsessed sexually, has me on his mind all the time and we must be out of contact again for a while and etc. The control was often in this sort of push me pull you thing. You'd have thought I'd have had a reality check often enough but apparently not. However big and busy I make my life I always miss him and however much I feel it's safe to go back into contact, it always gets in a mess. Now I need to walk and never look back. it's not as if I haven't done enough reading and soul searching, self flagellation, etc so what now?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 18/02/2014 11:51

Heathcliff was a wanker. Byron was a wanker.

This git is a wanker too.

Original poster
Justjump · 18/02/2014 11:58

Thanks distance
I know I am going to feel better and freer, in a way I already do.
How to stop thinking of him as a 'prize', and how to stop thinking of him as a friend is the key. I did so enjoy talking to him.
Also, to stop thinking 'what was he playing at' and to start thinking 'what was I playing at.

OP posts:
BOFtastic · 18/02/2014 16:04

You can't be friends. No way.

Original poster
Justjump · 18/02/2014 16:27

BOF that is the part that really pisses me off the most. I resigned myself long ago to no relationship, in fact, the more counselling I had the less it was resignation and the more it was relief. The annoying thing is that he was pushing for it to be physical. It saddens me that we can't just chat without him dropping one of his drama bombs, which are either sex bombs or never again can we ever speak bombs

OP posts:
bogroll · 18/02/2014 16:44

Just a thought, but do you think that all the counselling, self help books and visiting sites such as this is actually keeping you anchored in obsessing about this man and the relationship you had? Almost like it's a substitute for contacting him in some way?
It can be a soothing balm reading about similar situations, writing and talking about your break up and this man, but equally it obviously keeps it to the forefront of your mind.
Does that make any sense?

picklepig · 18/02/2014 17:16

JustJump, it's interesting how you seem to want us to tell you to get a grip, pull your socks up, slap round the chops etc etc. I don't wish to offend but something tells me that you are attention seeking, which might be the reason you got a buzz out of a roller coaster relationship, and also from these boards.Maybe you are fixated with your response to emotional drama, like you are living in your own soap opera - being in a traumatised tizz can be intoxicating, ask any teenage girl. In which case, he is the least of your worries. A friend of mine went through something very similar - he was the one, treated her like crap, finished with her without actually telling her, moving on to someone else. After he was gone, she still craved the buzz, and shouted daily into the void for two years. It was about her need for the buzz, not for him.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 17:24

OP is obsessing about him on this thread.

Trying to add fuel to the fire.

Not a good idea.

Go and get on with your life now.

Original poster
Justjump · 18/02/2014 17:35

Both of you could well be right. Points taken. The reading was because it was so hard to understand the behaviour and what had happened- I was numb at the end of the rel and after.The emotional fallout of the relationship was horrific and I needed to try to come to grips with it. I still did/do even if I sound flippant or glib, naive or attention-seeking. The split away from common sense/rational thought started during the relationship and I haven't been able to quite get myself back in harmony, literally to pull all parts of myself back together. Perhaps that is because of overthinking it or over reading about it, but without reading and talking I think I'd have maybe been in a worse mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justjump · 18/02/2014 17:38

Yes I guess it is just obsessing now. Will get rid of thread and get on with life. Tough love is the best thing.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 18/02/2014 21:23

Therapy might be a good idea. I'm not saying this as an insult - I've had it myself, and helped enormously.

Original poster
Justjump · 18/02/2014 22:59

I'm on a wait list for cbt as the GP thought I had symptoms of PTSD from the abuse- insomnia, flashbacks etc. The counselling was good as it challenged me to think hard about what was really 'missing' and that's when I started to make plans and get things done, to fill life with more efforts to look forwards. I've done a lot so far and know I will get there. I haven't really been alone, without a partner, except for a few months when I was 17, having married very young then without enough gap before this 'relationship' it's a whole new wide world to be alone in and with a lot to learn. That's why dating now would be stupid. This is less about him or me being histrionic and a lot more about fear of being me, alone.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 19/02/2014 06:22

Then you know what to work on. It sounds as though you felt that this person "completed" you in some way, which is co-dependent bollocks.

Being with someone you love and who loves you brings out the best in you - which is already there. Needing someone who gives meaning to your life or makes you feel "whole" is not a good relationship - it's crap.

bogroll · 19/02/2014 09:49

Why don't you do what all the other people are doing in the other thread about getting over break ups:

Swimming with sharks...or is that dolphins?
Naked body surfing at midnight
Mad passionate sex with a stranger
Get your hair done
Take up stamp collecting
Volunteer at you local old people's home
shag one of the old boys who lives there
run naked in the sand on bognor beach
drink gallons of wine every evening

That kind of thing.

DistanceCall · 19/02/2014 19:26

How incredibly witty of you, toiletroll. I mean, bogroll.

Mad passionate sex with a stranger is actually not a bad idea at all. But then I assume you wouldn't know.

thecircleline · 19/02/2014 22:29

OP have you tried ADs? They will help calm you down and get you through this initial up and down bit.

You have to really believe that if he isn't going to treat you as nicely as you deserve to be treated, he really isn't worth your time.

Don't let yourself depend on someone else for your happiness. Sometimes I find it helps to tell yourself everything happens for a reason - and things generally work out ok in the end.

He has been a big part of your life, but now you have the chance to go and make a new future for yourself. You will be happy again! And when you feel up to it, do make an effort to find someone you're attracted to - it'll be fun ;)

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 09:14

Forget about ever being in contact with him. It w

Lavenderhoney · 20/02/2014 09:18

Sorry - it won't change, he will always mess with your head.

You need to meet someone else really, and there are plenty of people who can stretch your thinking and make you feel amazing.

Thank god he's not running a cult or you would be in real trouble:)

Things didn't end well for Byron or heathcliffe or the people around them. You clearly have the mental tools to stop this, put the books away and go out and meet new people.

maggiemight · 20/02/2014 23:10

The emotion I originally felt with him random was utter freedom and joy and aside from the joy of the dcs I haven't ever felt those much. Exactly as I'm told heroin is, then you go chasing after that feeling and never get it back.

I haven't really been alone, without a partner, except for a few months when I was 17, having married very young then without enough gap before this 'relationship' it's a whole new wide world to be alone in and with a lot to learn

I don't know how old you are OP, you sound young, but did you maybe go from an unhappy homelife to lurv and marriage in early teens and never sample feelings of freedom or excitement (by yourself, not due to a DP), hence your desperate need for it now, or your sudden discovery of what you think you have missed.

Anyway, I would be interested to know about your childhood, your relationship with your father as this present relationship seem weirdly long if you are truly trying to stop it, as if it is being kept going due to something perhaps unconscious or subconscious from your past maybe?

Isetan · 22/02/2014 07:38

This man is no Svengali, he sounds like a bit of a dick wino for some reason satisfied a need in you. The 'power' this man has over you is the power you have surrendered to him so that you can pretend that you have no ultimate control over your obsessive behaviour.

This isn't about him, it's about you. Work on yourself and work out the void within that you chose to fill with this idiot.

CuttedUpPear · 22/02/2014 07:59

If you're not going to change your phone number, then change his name on your phone.

Something like Tosser, Loser, Dicksplash usually works quite well.

Just to remind you exactly who is calling when he does, just to get things into context for you.

Elizabeth12131213 · 22/02/2014 17:41

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MistressDeeCee · 22/02/2014 17:49

You'll have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Anything else is just looking for reasons to stay in contact. Stop saying I can't, and say I can. No, it wont be easy. You'll feel down, depressed, have withdrawal symptoms etc..many sad feelings to go through. You dont sound to be doing brilliantly now anyway so why not go for it. You wont die for lack of him and you will come out the other side feeling better, however long it takes. The alternative is to stay as you are, which doesnt make sense. & if one day he goes NC on you and means it - which could very well happen - then you're still going to have the sad loss & angst feelings to deal with anyway. Either way you're not in control of yourself and your situation. So, gain control.

Elizabeth12131213 · 22/02/2014 17:49

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Stockhausen · 22/02/2014 18:05

ODFOD Elizabeth

Locd35 · 22/02/2014 18:33

Hi Just. It's not easy to get yourself completely out of such a relationship. Most important thing is to put you first which is must easier said than done. It's hardly ever a sudden thing. I think you take steps. I found Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J Elliott really helpful after preparing mysel with Baggage Reclaim. It involves work but if you really want to be free I think you'll take the time to do it. Best of luck; it is possible for you to get out of it xx