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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feel like im not allowed a relationship

12 replies

wontletmesignin · 13/02/2014 10:25

Now i completely understand social services reasons behind this, i really do.

I am going on the freedom programme as 2 out of 3 relationships have been with controlling twats men.

Only recently, me and ds3 father have been growing closer again.
We had a nice, normal relationship. I ran away as too many things happened in mynlife at once, and i couldnt cope.

Only now i feel we couldnt allow it to develop even if we wanted as.

So what do i do?
I have slept with him. Im terrified incase they find out!
We arent in a relationship.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2014 10:27

Why did you end the relationship with DS3's father? Or was it him that ended it? Was he the one out of the three relationships that wasn't abusive? It's rarely a good idea to go back over old ground. Why would social services be worried that you were seeing someone?

Original poster

wontletmesignin · 13/02/2014 10:32

I fell pregnant, a death in the family, we got engaged. I just panicked and ended it.
Regretted it, but felt there was no way back.
He wasnt abusive in the slightest. He was lovely, still is.

They arent currently worried im seeing someone. They said they would be worried when i got in another relationship as 2 of them were really abusive. I dont know if they will feel better after the freedom programme?

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 13/02/2014 10:32

Are SS involved because your son has been at risk from the 2 controlling relationships?

How about waiting until you've completed the Freedom programme before deciding to get involved with anyone else? Just enjoy some single time, get to enjoy spending time on your own, plan lots of nice things with your son and develop your own interests.

Original poster

wontletmesignin · 13/02/2014 10:35

I called ss to ask for help when leaving ex as he took my son.
I have 4 kids, one of which is his.

I am happy spending time on my own. It just worries me that if and when i do feel im ready, then they wont be happy. Hope that makes sense

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2014 10:45

Social Services will only have anything to do with your choice if they think your children are at risk. Isn't your anxiety more about your personal confidence about embarking on another relationship? I agree with the PP that you should take the time out, do the programme, get your confidence up and appreciate yourself a little better before you let anyone into your family... even if you know them from previously and they were OK. If he's a decent man, he'll wait.

Original poster

wontletmesignin · 13/02/2014 10:57

Yes cogito. Maybe my anxiety is more about that.
I do need to get my confidence up again.

That makes sense about ss also.
Very good points from yous.
Thank yous

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 13/02/2014 13:45

Is be worried that it's too soon to make a good decision about starting anything tbh. I think if you told your SW you were in a rship she would wonder whether you were looking to meet an emotional need and what that says about your resilience and ability to meet your own needs.
They can't and won't ban you from having a partner but they would want to know a bit about him. But honestly, I would hold back for a while, not for appearance sake but to give yourself some time to get over the x before starting something new.

Original poster

wontletmesignin · 13/02/2014 14:15

Im not ready to start anything yet. I have a lot of work to do on myself.
It just felt like she was talking about when i do want to go into another relationship, they would be concerned.

It just made me panic a bit with me sleeping with ds3 father. I know im not ready yet, but i am enjoying us being closer. Is that wrong of me? (Genuine question)

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2014 14:21

It's not wrong of you. We all need to feel loved and secure. We all need human companionship. Social Services cannot dictate who you choose to be friends with unless, as said earlier, they believe someone you are allowing into your life presents a threat to your children's safety. So, if you want to pursue the relationship, be up front about what you're doing and who you're seeing and be very clear that you are taking it carefully and keeping your DC's safety uppermost. It's another aspect of personal confidence.

Stockhausen · 13/02/2014 14:33

Its not wrong of you, however I'd be wary of jumping into another relationship before completing the programme. You said you have work yo do, and if hes as decent as he sounds, he'll wait.

MatildaWhispers · 13/02/2014 14:45

You don't sound ready for another relationship, but it's not wrong of you to want to be closer to your son's father. As long as you are recognising that you do have to work on yourself (which it sounds like you are) and as long as you are putting dc first, I don't think you need to worry.

Original poster

wontletmesignin · 13/02/2014 15:49

Thank you all. You have all helped ease my anxiety over this!

I know im definitely not ready to get into a relationship yet. I still struggle with friends and family, so i know for a fact i couldnt handle one yet.

But that is a good idea, cog. To be completely upfront with SS about it if and when the time comes.
In the meantime, i will continue to enjoy us growing closer as friends

OP posts:

Flip