Should you tell a new partner everything about your past? (warning mentions abortion)

[kentishgirl]

Just a question out of interest (I have no big secrets :-) )

I've just read a thread where someone's husband was told his wife had had an abortion when she was 16 (before she met him). He was upset she kept it 'secret' from him. she just thought it wasn't relevant.

Someone else commented "I can understand why your DH was upset - in his position I would be too, it's a huge thing not to tell someone."

I'm just mulling over this idea that a new OH needs total disclosure. I had an abortion around 12 years ago and it's never occurred to me to tell my newish OH. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it's not a source of anguish to me. I agree with the OP that it's not relevant, so not going to. Unless somehow it crops up in conversation - can't imagine how - then I wouldn't lie about having had one.Is there really any reason you should speak up on this?

How much do you all think you need to tell an OH about things in your past, if it doesn't effect you or them or your relationship? What else do you think really must, or shouldn't be discussed with an OH?

I suppose it depends of what you think of as pregnancy, really.

When I had mine at 6 weeks, of course I was pregnant, but it doesn't really register on me as that.

Nothing like the time when had my child -with all attendant aches and pains, big bump, antenatal appointments, tests, classes, buying baby stuff etc...THAT is pregnancy to me.

Would you agree with kentish scoop? That you don't think of yourself as having been pregnant when you had your termination?

I don't need to disclose each and every event from my life. I had a termination in early twenties and am now in my forties. Like you OP it's not an issue you for me so don't feel it's relevant to share with people. I think I I I I mentioned it to my DP when the topic came up but it's not something I really think about. I don't really discuss farwaway (timewise) sexual experiences either and have touched on bad experiences but not in depth.. Then again DP is not the most curious person! IMO everyone edits their life.

yes, what kentishgirl said. My termination was at about 7 weeks, I had known about the pregnancy for about 2 weeks, I hadn't planned to be pregnant, I didn't want to be pregnant. Totally different to being pregnant with my children.

I had an abortion many years ago. Nearly 20 years ago.

My exH knows because we were friends at the time. It's not something I've ever disclosed to anyone, other than a friend who supported me at the time.

I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it. It happened, I made the best decision I could have made in the circumstances and I don't regret it.

Would I tell a partner? I think if I thought it meant they might choose to not be with me if they knew, then yes, because I think they would have that right. I would like to know something about a partner that might influence whether I continued the relationship or not.

But then, I wouldn't choose to be with someone who wasn't pro choice.

If it came up and it was relevant, I might tell them. I'd never lie about it.

But would I sit them down with a "There's something I need to tell you..."? I'm not sure that I would.

As for telling a 'new' partner... by that do we really mean boyfriend? Because no, a boyfriend has no right to know. I suppose I would only tell someone if it was relevant.

But then, I suppose I would also be making the judgement call as to whether it was relevant or not...

I've had a termination and wouldn't see the need to tell a new partner.

Medically, of course, I was pregnant - but when you're in a bad place in life and are 100% certain you wish to terminate then no, you don't think of yourself as "pregnant" because "pregnant" is what people who are planning on having the babies are.
For me, I felt I had something unwanted inside me and I wanted a medical procedure to fix it. Nothing more, nothing less. I know others wont agree.

People who have abortions cease to be pregnant... hence not 'major'/feeling pregnant.

If you are terminating a pregnancy it's obviously not the same feeling/mindset of 'expecting a baby'.

Both are life choices... planning for a baby and accidental/unplanned pregnancy.

I think if you are past childbearing age then it isn't relevant but if there's a possibilty of getting pregnant surely it's better to know your partner's views on abortion and to be open with them about your experience of it?

Why?

The only reason I would like to know a partner's views on abortion is because I could never stay with a pro-lifer because I think they are evil misogynist control freaks.

But I don't see any reason why anyone should know MY history of terminations just because there's a possibility I might get pregnant.

If I got pregnant and wanted a termination I wouldn't care what they thought, it would be MY decision alone.

JonSnow that's how I felt.

I don't see why it makes any difference either. It's incredibly rare for it to have any effect later. As long as you tell your ante natal docs, of course.

Join, I don't really see much point in being in a partnership with someone if you don't care about their feelings. But I do agree that being with someone who has different views on abortion is a bad idea. Not because they could or should stop you having an abortion, or force you into having one, but because the relationship wouldn't survive a pregnancy.

I care very much about my husband's feelings.

But if I were pregnant and if I wanted a termination, his feelings would be immaterial because it would be MY decision.

So that would not be a reason to tell him about a previous termination.

I think a decent relationship could survive different opinions on abortion, as long as neither of those opinions was a pro-life opinion.

I sort of agree with CailinDana and my take is that a major source of disagreement here is concerned with how casually someone views a pregnancy.

To me it is most certainly a 'major event' as would be a termination. To not tell a 'new partner' is probably acceptable but if that 'new partner' after some time is going to become your DH then I think it would be very wrong not to tell him.

If neither partner is pro-life surely they're both pro-choice Join? Or do mean subtler differences in terms of cut-offs and reasons for abortion?

Yes, it does seem to depend on how people view a early pregnancy. To me, it's not a baby/foetus yet, it's not something truly separate from my own body, it was part of me I had removed. This is going to sound terribly offensive to some, I'm sorry, but I can't see it as different to when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.

If it had been a later stage pregnancy, I'm sure I would feel different.

There are a lot of moral positions a person can hold about abortion.

And then there is being "pro-life", which is fuck all to do with abortion and 100% about controlling women.

Find it really annoying when people assume people have had abortions have a casual attitude towards pregnancy!
In many cases it's being practical, sensible and fair and not subjecting a child to circumstances that would make them unsafe/without/miserable and making a DIFFICULT decision. It's not 'whoops! oh well, i'll have an abortion...'.
But at the same time people should have to confess to their new partner either...
Abortions are only a 'major life event' if you choose for them to be - like anything else that's unpleasant in life. Learn from it, move on - tell who you want... IF you want.

PS for what it's worth, do think a couple having a similar attitude about abortions is probably wise, no? To avoid future problems...

d'oh! people SHOULDN'T have to confess I mean x

I had been with dp for some years before my sister informed him. I thought that was nice. It hadn't really come up before, and wasn't particularly relevant to anything, but she obviously thought he had a right to know.

Interestingly, the earlier relationship had broken up because of the way the xp had handled the (unwanted) pg. He was pro-choice. He also thought he had the right to tell me what my choice was going to be. Despite the fact that our decisions ultimately would have been identical, there is no way in hell that I was going to have my life controlled in that manner. Pro-choice or not.

In hindsight, knowing if someone is pro-choice or not is about as useful as confessing to every minor medical procedure on the first date. Pointless.

Him: 'we'll keep the next one'
Me: 'There isn't going to be a next one.'

Interesting indeed - what was your sister playing at telling him? How odd!

I think it is a mistake to hand over information that can make you vulnerable to someone until they have proven they can be trusted with that information even in the event of a split. I would expect it to take years before partners really know everything worth knowing, and we all reserve the right to privacy.

If I'd had an abortion, I probably would have disclosed that quite early on because it would have become relevant as part of the "what if we have a contraception failure" conversation. My BF knows my views on abortion (pro choice) and I his (same) and what we'd do "if the worst happened" (probably make a go of it given our financial situation and stable lives, but with the understanding that an abortion is largely my call and may well be the chosen option). I can't imagine feeling the need to keep it private because I don't think abortions are anything to be ashamed of and I could not countenance a relationship with someone who wasn't pro-choice however much I may respect that view in others who I'm not in a relationship with.

I guess if an unwanted pregnancy was the result of abuse/rape or surrounded by trauma, there may be an element of not wanting to rake up the past, and that's every person's right. I would hope that the right relationship would be conducive to talking about it because we are all the sum of our experiences, even the traumatic ones, and talking about them helps our partners understand why we are what we are. But to bring up something associated with such pain requires a huge level of trust, which can take years.

I suppose a lot comes down to whether you see the witholding of information as lying by omission or simply reserving the right to privacy. I think you have to balance each situation on its own merits.

It is a matter of personal choice. I dont think anyone should feel they 'have to' tell their partner something like that.

I have had two terminations. My DH of 12 years knows, but he doesnt know all the details, what happened, how it came about etc. I don't feel like talking about it. It was 20 odd years ago. I processed it long ago and it wasnt a 'major life event' for me at all.

I believe we are all entitled to some level of privacy. I havent told him how many people I have slept with, either, which from a previous thread I gather some people think is odd. It just hasnt come up, though, and I dont really feel the need to 'disclose' every detail of my life before I met him. Dfferent strokes.

I was all set to say "yep he should know" until I thought about whether I would tell my DH that I'd taken the morning after pill (which for some is still a major event... for me not so much). I wouldn't tell him about taking that pill because it was long before him and reminds him that I was with someone before him (which he knows but he's a bit of a jealous type and would stew about it a lot - without mentioning it to me - and wonder things he shouldn't be wondering.)

Abortion though is different. There's a reason why it's a question on some medical forms (its on the forms for when I donate blood as well). I wouldn't want him to tick "no" if I were in some emergency situation nor would I want the first time for him to find out about it if I was screaming "yes" whilst in agony.

I personally think it's a pretty major life event but I know I'd struggle to tell my husband about it because I WOULD be ashamed (as needing to take the morning after pill). In the end though because it is a procedure that can affect you later in life, I would tell him... it would suck though!

I was asked both times during antenatal (and in front of my partner) how many previous pregnancies I had had. If that had been the first my husband had heard of an abortion I think he would have been hurt that I couldn't share something like that with him.