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Original poster

Should you tell a new partner everything about your past? (warning mentions abortion)

76 replies

kentishgirl · 12/02/2014 11:56

Just a question out of interest (I have no big secrets :-) )

I've just read a thread where someone's husband was told his wife had had an abortion when she was 16 (before she met him). He was upset she kept it 'secret' from him. she just thought it wasn't relevant.

Someone else commented "I can understand why your DH was upset - in his position I would be too, it's a huge thing not to tell someone."

I'm just mulling over this idea that a new OH needs total disclosure. I had an abortion around 12 years ago and it's never occurred to me to tell my newish OH. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it's not a source of anguish to me. I agree with the OP that it's not relevant, so not going to. Unless somehow it crops up in conversation - can't imagine how - then I wouldn't lie about having had one.Is there really any reason you should speak up on this?

How much do you all think you need to tell an OH about things in your past, if it doesn't effect you or them or your relationship? What else do you think really must, or shouldn't be discussed with an OH?

OP posts:
JanePurdy · 12/02/2014 12:34

I agree with you OP. I had an abortion years ago. My DP does know but i wouldn't consider it a major life event to share with a new partner. If it comes up with new friends etc I mention it but it isn't something of emotional significance to me.

DuskAndShiver · 12/02/2014 12:36

OMG I was thinking of Tess too!
I think Tess is completely relevant because it was Angel being such a prissy unrealistic sheltered little whiny git that caused all the problems (not actually Tess's past). So in other words, the question isn't do you have to tell? (do what you like), but: will your dp be a reasonable human being or a git if / when you do? In which case, obv, LTB

MorrisZapp · 12/02/2014 12:40

I had a termination and it wasn't a life event, major or minor. DP does know but I think he's forgotten, as have I mostly. It wasn't that interesting.

WhateverTrevor83 · 12/02/2014 12:40

Such a big area... I suppose it's down to the people and opinions and experiences involved.

But yes - if you're going to be put on the spot in antenatal about it - prob best to discuss it in private before hand. If you're planning to be doing some baby making! x

JoinYourPlayfellows · 12/02/2014 12:45

I'd laugh so much if there was a advert where a girl gets a minus sign and then pours herself a gin

What about the one where she gets a positive result and pours herself a gin?

I would be really worried about a partner who felt they had a right to information like that.

My medical history is private. If I tell you, then that's my business.

But I am allowed to keep things about myself to myself and if you think that is keeping unreasonable "secrets" then you are a bit of a controlling arsehole.

Joysmum · 12/02/2014 12:45

I think there's a big difference between feeling the need to keep secrets, and not really seeing a need to disclose.

I had a big secret I kept from my DH until a few years ago, we've been together nearly 20 and were best friends before that. Tbh, I didn't see it as a secret, it was more a case of minimizing it for me. I'm glad I faced up to it and then it didn't occur to me to keep the secret from him and I felt able to tell him straight away.

LucyBabs · 12/02/2014 12:47

I've never been asked at an antenatal appointment if I've ever had an abortion Confused

I have had an abortion, it wasn't a huge event in my life and as I imagine its not for most.

It was the right choice for me and my then dp. Its not something a future partner needs to know and I certainly don't need to know if any of his previous partners had an abortion. How odd!

strawberryyoghurt · 12/02/2014 12:50

Have been with my DH for 11 years and there are lots of things he doesn't know about my past, including termination. Nobody knows about it, even family, and it's not on my medical records so he's never likely to know, but I doubt he'd care either. Have had other life events which were much more significant to me and DH doesn't know about those. We don't delve much into each others' pasts, neither of us really care. I think the only things that should be mentioned are things that might have an impact on the current situation (e.g. dc from previous relationships, health issues, things that would have an impact on credit rating/CRB checks).

WhateverTrevor83 · 12/02/2014 12:56

YES Strawberry - totally agree.
Is this helpful OP? x

purplemurple1 · 12/02/2014 12:59

My partner knows about mine and a bit about my past partners - but it was only discussed when we were ttc and having difficulty - so basically when it became relevant.

In the same line at that point I wanted to know of any of his ex's had been preg.

somethingwillturnup · 12/02/2014 13:05

Jacksterbear you may be asked, but it isn't always included in your notes. My midwife asked me if I wanted them left off because they were in no way relevant to the subsequent pregnancy (terminations not due to any disability). So they were in my own medical notes (ie with the GP), but not in the ante natal notes I carried around with me.

And in answer to the OP, none of anyone's business but the person involved. If you want to divulge, divulge. If you don't, don't.

CailinDana · 12/02/2014 13:05

I think if you are past childbearing age then it isn't relevant but if there's a possibilty of getting pregnant surely it's better to know your partner's views on abortion and to be open with them about your experience of it? I mean you wouldn'tthink twice about mentioning you'd been on the pill previously and it didn't agree with you, would you?

Original poster
kentishgirl · 12/02/2014 13:19

I'm not thinking of telling him - it hadn't crossed my mind until I saw that other thread and found some of the comments quite surprising. I don't think it has any relevance to him.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 12/02/2014 13:23

I can be aware of my partner's views on abortion (pro-choice, as is every one I've ever had a relationship with) without being open about my experience with it. It is not 'better' for them to be aware of my experience with it. It is neither here nor there for them. It isn't about them.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 13:26

As I am still at 'childbearing age' I find discussing contraception very relevant. I can certainly share my views on termination/
Pregnancy but I don't feel the need to share certain things in my past.

YouLoveItDoreen · 12/02/2014 13:27

I feel, as others have described, that it is relevant if you are of child bearing age, having been through an abortion and later becoming pregnant, I disclosed that it was not my first pregnancy. I'd imagine that would be the only real need to share the information as it may be of importance. But it is YOUR history. Unless it causes implications, there may not be a real need to share.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 13:28

Good post Strawberry

CailinDana · 12/02/2014 13:29

I just don't understand the secrecy. It would seem normal me in a conversation about abortion to say "I had one when I was x age and it was..." same as you would mention anything else.

JanePurdy · 12/02/2014 13:29

CailinDana but that's the point - I wouldn't think twice about mentioning the pill not agreeing with me, if it came up in conversation & I remembered, but it is not of any significance to me that I tried the pill for a month & hated it - it's not something I would consider important to tell a new partner since I use other contraception. That's how I feel about having had a termination. I am sure any new partner of mine would know about it because it came up in conversation through discussing politics etc - especially since I am involved in abortion rights stuff - but having a pro-choice partner is a deal breaker for me anyway.

waceystills · 12/02/2014 13:30

I had a termination 4 years before I met my husband and it never occurred to me to tell him.

A few years into the relationship we began fertility treatment so I had to tell him as it had become relevant. Before that it was not relevant.

It is a personal choice wether or not you disclose a termination to a new partner, unless it becomes relevant, in which case honesty is the best policy.

JanePurdy · 12/02/2014 13:31

CailinDana your point wasn't about secrecy though, it was about disclosing a "major life event". My point is that it isn't always a major life event to everyone.

WhateverTrevor83 · 12/02/2014 13:35

Agree with JanePurdy.

CailinDana · 12/02/2014 13:45

Fair enough Jane. I see pregnancy as pretty major but others don't.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 13:51

My early termination
My chosen contraception choices
'Major' they are not.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 13:53

Should be 'Major life events'
Whoops

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