I actually hate my mil

[bethcutler13]

I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
euggh!
Sorry :'(
Gelp?

[ohfourfoxache]

But if DH is "forced" to have contact on his on then it could actually make it worse for him. She will have unfettered access and will continue with the manipulation/ put downs etc.

So far op has been very, very nice to her. This is despite the fact that mil is a bitch. Ergo she has "gotten away with it".

By changing the approach it might be a way of affecting change without subjecting DH to the misery of putting up with her by himself

[RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs]

yes but that this put down etc is un acceptable has been brought out into the open, it might be quite good for him to go there alone and get more of it and hopefully one day when he sat there getting verbally attacked he may think


what the fuck am i doing here, i could be at home right now with my amazing dd and wonderful wife....and yet here i am sitting here like a lame duck taking this....thanks mum no more....

he has to make his own choices and he has to - like an alcholoic want change himself.

[sweepdoesntlikecrowds]

Haven't read full thread but my DMs mil and mum were a bit like this. My DM asked me once why I didn't do more with my Nan, the truth was I saw how much grief my mum got and decided to stay well away. If I were you I would stay away too, they don't get better with age.

[MommyBird]

Keep showing him the updates on this thread.
It took my DH 3ish years to realise how his DM is behaving in not normal!

You and your DH sounded like us. Arguments, tears etc all because he puts her above you. He is brainwashed.

But. He has started to see what she is like.
You dont have to see her and neither does your DC. Whats she going to do? Cry? Throw a strop?


Tell your DH that this isnt healthy for you as a couple.

[nauticant]

You have my sympathy OP.

How far advanced is your Australia plan? Unless you can say that it's guaranteed within a particular timeframe, say 6-12 months, then I'm concerned that you will focus on that and be more willing to put up with horrible treatment in the meantime and the timeframe could merrily slide away into the future. In other words, unless you can say "within definite X period we'll be shot of this", you could put up with a great deal of grief for a year, 2 years, more years, etc getting more frustrated all the while.

Making a move like that motivated by running away isn't going to provide the firmest base for settling there. You really will benefit from putting your foot down and obtaining more control of your family life before you make this kind of move.

[KateSMumsnet]

We'll move this to Relationships for you now OP.

[Pumpkin567]

I have similar in laws, we've withdrawn from them, they get minimal visits ever six weeks or so.

It started when we met, they wouldn't have chosen me, they loved the previous GF ( my DH didn't)
They became frequent popper inners when we had our first baby. Would push past me in the door, and would overstay their welcome. They wanted the baby, ignored me. Cried when they couldn't have their own way. tried to just roll up and take the baby out. We stopped the popping in, it was so selfish and rude.
They often interfered with our marriage, we decided it needed to stop.

Be strong and minimise visits.

[bethcutler13]

I'm totally torn. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. all I know is they are bad for our relationship and furthermore my family whilst they behave like they do. unlike my dh Im aware no amount of comprising will work and they'll never be happy with whatever we do.
I'm just stuck on what to do about it. Australia is a while away yet, ive got at least 3 years left of my studying maybe longer so it's definitely not a wait it out situation!
dont know whether leaving dp to it is a good idea or not as it leaves him vulnerable to further emotional abuse...maybe that is what he needs but I worry it will take him having some sort of breakdown because of them to finally let go and I don't know what mil might convince him to wkth out me there.
very complicated, awkward and stressful situation. x

[bethcutler13]

could someone attach the link to relationships? when I search "relationships" it comes up with loads of threads...confused about where this post is being moved to? x

[nauticant]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1995567-I-actually-hate-my-mil

[bethcutler13]

thank you. spent the afternoon with my aunt and cousins. madr me realise how normal they are and wierd il's are! dp is so relaxed, shame he cant be like that about his parents!

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Sounds awful OP, AND

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Sounds awful OP, AND

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Sounds awful OP, AND

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Sounds awful OP, AND

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Sorry about that.

Anyway, sounds awful ad I do feel for you.

However, I did note that you said that that your dd doesn't want to clothes that she buys you because they are pink and fluffy and she is a tom boy.

Then you say she is 1!! My DD is 1. No ways on earth does she even have any idea what she is wearing, let alone if it is pink! this did make me think about how you are with your mil as well.

[bethcutler13]

as I say, when she gives me these clothes I say thank you, theyre lovely and put her in them every time she visits.
my child is simply a tom boy who would rather jump in puddles, play with cars amd trucks and is far more comfy in a pair of stretchy trousers.
I put her in a netted, poofy dress that mil brought for her renewel of vows and she could barely move. tom boy asside, they aren't practical.
im very, very nice to my mil, regardless of her ways.

[bethcutler13]

fyi I'm not talking a normal little girls dresses. .. They're so fully lined and netted they stand up on their own! That's not the issue here anyway, I wouldn't be considering leaving my dp over his mothers need to dress my baby like a doll...its the emotional abuse that's the problem.

[brooncoo]

You need to be much more assertive. I wouldn't even put my kids in clothes I thought were uncomfortable or ridiculous just to please someone. She will only treat you badly if you let her, difficult when you your husband can't stand up to them.

[bethcutler13]

as you can see, peoples opinions differ. one person feels i would be treating my mil unfairly by not appreciating her offers of clothed whilst you think I should not put her in them and be more assertive. ..which to be honest I agree with, but as I say I've been overly nice to my mil snd it's got me nowhere.
she often tells me she wished she had more kids but only had one Because they wanted to have money and that if she had a girl she would dress her up like a doll so instead she dresses MY daughter that way. Literally no boundaries.

[brooncoo]

If you try to,placate her and are nice to her she will just continue as she is and walk all over you. Luckily my MIL is lovely and is the opposite who would cut her arm off rather then be pushy and hurt if she thought she had offended someone.

My father is quite toxic though, you have to limit the time you spend with him.

[RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs]

Op your DD isnt a tom boy, she is just a normal girl learning about her environment around her and so on.

I think you should have kept your thread in aibu where it would get more traffic AND have another in relationships where you would get different opinions,

unfortunalty some parts of the boards do not get as much traffic.


anyway...the clothes do not matter...its easy to see why you do not like your mil and even if she was buying tom boy clothes you wouldnt neccasrily want to be reminded of your painful mil when you dont have to by by your dd wearing clothes she has brought.


its not confusing, its very simple.

you put your foot down say enough, i am not seeing them anymore and i am not comfy with them seeing dd, send partner to them as and when he wants....

as with drugs addicts sometimes hitting the lowest point is critical in the turning point....wow i have been driven this low, why...

at the moment you are bogged down in it....you need to get clean and detatch....

so he can see the calmer shores....

its a development process he hasnt gone through.

[RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs]

op i think most people have said they sound like nutters and you are not mad, one poster has mentioned hte clothes

[bethcutler13]

okay...in a moment of frury I used the words "tom boy " when I should have stated the dresses are utterly ridiculous and my baby can not move in them, it's more the fact she buys her these clothes because she would dress her baby that way if she had a girl, I don't take to that sweetly because she's not her baby...and has no right to dress her up like a doll because if I had caved to my mil's bullying my dd wouldn't be here in the first place...anyway!
Yes I need to put my foot down, I will start...however before I remove myself and my dd from them I'm going to see how they react to the assertive protective me that calls the shots. chances are they'll turn into total nutters and behave irrationally and at that point I will tell them myself I am removing myself from them as they are emotionally unhinged and dp will either have to go it alone to see them or realise what they are and go nc too.
I dont know where I should have posted, I don't even know myself how to find these places on mumsnet, I literally posted here because I couldn't see anywhere else that suits, point me in the right direction with a link and i'll post there.
turns out im a total technophobe! x

[MommyBird]

Well done!
It'll be the best thing you can do for your DD.

Keep us updated! :)