Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I actually hate my mil(427 Posts)
I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
Draw back draw back draw back draw back. I can't say that enough times. You will never please them. Ever ever ever. Stop trying. If they hassle you, change your numbers. Get your DP unto counselling if possible, so he can try and stop being afraid of them.
They sound like bloody awful people. You don't want anything to do with them. They will not change.
By "gelp"i mean help! ...Please! Xx
I can see how you feel and why.
It does sound horrible.
Can you try and remove yourself from some of the situations?
It's hard to avoid everything, unless you, and that means both you and your husband cut off all contact.
Try and stay calm and civil.
How is he taking it? I think I didm;t see that in your post.
Can you at least have a laugh about her when you're back home?
Not much help, I know, but I do know how you feel.
Move away and change your numbers, I would!
You can't please them and you don't have to.
Ignore, ignore and ignore.
I would have nothing more to do with them.
Firstly you are going to get some rude responses.
Mainly for the clothes thing, as they're gifts so just accept them and maybe pop DD in them when you have visits if they're that bad!
I do however sympathise, and I think our MIL's act similiar except yours with crying mine with rage. She's not quite as forward as yours though ..
Its a shit situation, YANBU to be upset at you and your families treatment and people like this just arent changable and neither should you try and be perfect.
Thats what I learner anyway. Sorry to hear your situation OP.
I have to ask, this has obviously been going on some time, so why don't you and DH discuss going non-contact or minimal contact with the family? Why have you let it go on this long? The minute they were less than pleased about your pregnancy you should have been having this conversation with DH - why can't he sort it out?
You sound v stressed - is your dh equally upset or does it wash over him?
tbh if they are in Jersey this must be better for you than being local?
how often are they back when wanting unconditional contact - every weekend? every fortnight? once a month?
Would have thought that once every two months was a starting point for contact and unless toxic to the detriment of your child then no need for non-contact.
You sound heavily invested - do not take the calls, do not skype - let dh do all of that and if he is dragging you into it then tell him to do nc himself or stand up for himself. Keep out of it if it is causing rows angst or misery.
As for spending time with dc if they dote on her that is a nice thing - you could give them guidelines for what she likes and needs and let them have her what? 6 times a year whilst you and DH go and have a date. Would that be so hard? then you do not have to stomach her, you and dh get some time, he can give her as a thank you and she gets time with dd.
Unless there really is a safeguarding issue or dripping venom issue then that would be a solution surely? Your dc won't ever get to know her if you are deliberately minimising all contact.
Thing is, I would feel like im depriving my dd of her grandparents, who treat her like gold! My oh hates it and just says he wishes they were normal :/ he says since he moved out after uni they've been a total nightmare. I just don't think mil wants to let go and hates not being able to control.
I lost my father when I was 10 and I Would hate my oh to lose his Parents my choice, I just need to find a way of them seeing us as adults and respecting their son as and adult (he is a very reliable parter and daddy and is a Success in my eyes) they still treat his like a child and his mother regularly sits him down for a telling off when everyone's left the room
I wish I could just run from them
Why should she be grateful for the clothes? Why should she? If this woman is as described, they were clearly not given in the spirit of love and generosity.
So fed up of grown adults behaving like this to family members! Why are they so fucked up?
How horrid. I'm sorry you have to put up with this. What age is your DD? If you carry on trying to please them it will really negatively impact your DD as she will see this unhealthy relationship as 'normal'
If your DH would go to counselling that would be a start. If they demand your time, tell them you're busy. I don't think they will change but if you can get a way to communicate to them that they are welcome to visit on your terms then the ball is in their court.
Alternatively, you could make ridiculous demands of them and cry lots to get your own way to see how they would respond. Good luck, hope it gets better x
MIL sheds enough tears to make an ocean big enough to drown herself in. (Now there's a thought).
Lots of running around them, one way traffic, everything on their terms.
Leave them to their own devices, block their calls.
What do you think they will be like when your little daughter turns into a tantrumming toddler? Or maybe (and I'm just saying this because it's possible not because I think it's likely) turns out to have additional needs at school? Or is a stroppy twelve year old who thinks grandparents are dull? Or a troubled teen?
Will they adore her then, or revert to type?
They reason they were cuntish when your DP moved out is because they lost control of him.
I would always accept the clothes with a smile on my face and would always put my dd in them whem we visited I even had some professional photos taken of dd in an outfit they brought that I hated and gave the photos to them! I am CONSTANTLY being thoughtful, ive just had dds handprint put into a Pandora charm for mil. And I let her take her, everytime she's back...sometimes 2 times a month. My dd is only 1 and she already wants to take her on holiday!
Oh iis petrified of his parents, thats why he doesn't deal with it, he's tried to in the past and they change for a month then resort back to their old ways.
Believe me, I try, he tries everyone tries, it's them. X
My ex fiance's parents were like this and it caused massive issues and I think contributed to his mental health problems.
What does your OH think about their behaviour? He should be laying down boundaries to protect you and your DD. They told you while you were pregnant not to try again if your baby died?! I think you should reduce or stop contact but if that doesn't come from him they will just think you are trying to come between them.
Run away. Move to Australia or somewhere very far away. I am 45 and have been with DH for 23 years and his parents still don't see us as adults- as far as they are concerned they are still in charge. It drives me mad and they aren't in the same league as your inlaws. Run.Fast.
Of course it's them!
They sound poisonous. If your oh is terrified of them, he really needs some help.
Go to Relationships and have a read of the Stately Homes thread. There is some very good advice there.
It's gone on this long because they are awk2 and they are manipulative but they are oh's parents and I can't just not give them a chance to change and cut them out of his and dd's life, instead I tried to compromise and get to know them and make them happy but it's evident they never will be.
I should imagine when my dd is a tantrum throwing toddler and a nightmare teenager they will think differently. If she does not obey them and love how they request they will probably treat her as they treat my oh. He feels a failure and is desperate to please...everyone. because of them he is a wetwipe of a man. :L
Just saw your update. Stop trying so hard. It's not you, it's them. I made an effort with my ex's parents, they just saw it as interfering. I think your OH could benefit from counseling. His parents are emotionally abusive and he will have grown up in that environment, being constantly undermined. It must be difficult for him to stand up to them but he needs to find the strength.
Oh and trying to please her won't help. Being the perfect DIL won't help. She won't think any better of you. She sounds controlling and selfabsorbed. Disengage. Stop being available. No means no. Make your OH realise he is a grownup now and they can't control him.
If they truly love their granddaughter they will see her on your terms. They don't. I think you need to put down ground rules and if they don't follow them, go no contact. Do it calmly. Say the hysteria is ott and upsetting. If you can't speak to them write it down. Use examples of their behaviour. They sound unhinged actually but if you approach it calmly then you know you have tried your best. I would also show your DH this thread. Just so you both understand how bad their behaviour is.
I hope you get it sorted op
I think he does need help...it just breaks my heart that he needs to seek counselling because of his parents. ..it should never be that way! X
She's very similar to my mil. I have very minimal contact with her and dh is in agreement. We see her maybe twice/three times a year and that's more than enough.
You need to come to the same sort of arrangement with your dh and if your in laws don't like it, then it's tough I'm afraid. You have to do what's right for your little family.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.