"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

That sounds reasonable to me. It gives you a good long breathing space to see how you feel and if being NC has improved your life, or not. At the end you can assess how it's been.

i would have been furious about a sibling's children getting masses of presents when mine got none too. I hope your children didn't realise what was going on. So unkind.

stopprojecting

I remember your previous postings.

Your only mistake here has been to maintain relations at all for the sake of "family peace". Ignore such "winged monkeys" who are often sent by the family of origin to do their job for them.

I am glad that you no longer leave your son with her unsupervised. Never leave him with her ever again. Narcissists like your mother make for being deplorable grandparents. Also there is no interaction between such people and their grandchildren; its like watching a re-run of a tv show that you have always hated.

I think a six months breathing space of no contact with this lot will do you the power of good. Infact you may well want to consider extending that for far longer given time.

No good will come of continuing any contact with your narcissist mother and your golden child sister. That is a role too not without price but unfortunately your sister is unaware of that high price.

I would suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

Hi horsetowater my situation is totally different. My brother is not the mediator. He is only marginally less toxic. I don't want to keep in touch with him. Sorry don't mean to sound shirty.

The last time we spoke he recalled an incident where my dad behaved like a horrible bully and another family member tried to tell my mum he was abusive - my mum got very upset as she was being 'got at'.

My brother told me the person he felt most sorry for in this situation was my dad. Like my parents, he doesn't actually see me as a person.

Hello all,

I often lurk on this thread,but heads about to explode so I'm going to post, so I don't explode at dh when he gets in.

I'm really struggling with MIL. I've had a 'testing' few years with her. She ruined my last trimester of dd pregnancy with her demands and being over bearing.

She has also very nearly split me and dh up which resulted in me apologising to her when in fact it was her fault. When I think back to that time it still upsets me so much because it was hellish.

For some stupid fucking reason I keep trying with her. Dd loves her so I think that's why.

Dh is aware and when I've absolutely put my foot down he will back me up.

I feel like she thinks were in competition with who loves dh most.

There are far too many things to list and tbh they sound stupid.

The latest ones that have sent me over the edge are

I sent her some gifts for valentines day she was complaining she wouldn't get anything. She did not acknowledge these what's so ever. She has my number and were on facebook and calls round most days

She has been picking dh up from work, when dh got in the car, with a bunch of roses on v- day for me, she assumed they were for her giving him lifts. He is paying petrol. She told me her self she thought they were hers. Dh didn't say anything.

I thought I would make her tea to say thanks, she came and picked it up, didn't say thanks kiss my arse. Tbh I don't even think she ate it.

Today at 5pm I realised dd had run out of formula, dh normal measures out the powder in little plastic milk powder pot thingies in the morning. He had done but failed to tell me ha we needed more. Dd hasn't been 100% so instead on getting her dressed and going back out I made the big mistake of asking MIL.

I asked her to pick 1 carton of the pre made formula around 80p, IF she was going near the shops or coming her, which she does after sometimes after She came in swinging the bag stating " here you go lazy mummy" I ignored. I said thank you .She said it three times.

I really didn't know what to say. I mentioned dh didn't tell me we was running low this morning. She responded with" but cigarettes, dh works looong hours, he can't be expected to be remember everything

For some reason I tried to defend myself, sounded pathetic, she raised her voice which threw me.

I actually fucking hate her. She is horrible. I'm not lazy. Dh is out of the house 13 hours a day so I'm bringing dd up by myself then I work at weekend. How dare she insinuate I'm not pulling my weight.

She is supposed to be giving us a small sum of money which I really don't want to except as I know strings will be attached but were skint and really need it.

Wow this was epic!

if you even got to this point!! Gah!!! Sorry

ciggarettes you mil sounds like mine. I am afraid all I cam offer is a little empathy ! I would suggest do not take her money though. Only because we did off our MiL as we were going to get rid of our car but because she relies so much on it (gets lifts all the bloody time) she was adament se would help us pay a bit of the insurance. I was unvomfortable with this- as i knew she would use it against us. To cut a lon story short ; she has thrown this back in our face.

My mil would also insunuate I was lazy and dh is perfect- all i would hear of is dh how hard he works! One day he actually had to work 12 hours (oh god!) and she went on and in about how awful it is (much to his embarassment). I was thinking : I do 12 hours days every bloody day with my dd- and get no breaks most days! Always somerhing to be done as a mother. I am slowly accepting she is a ln odiot though and to just let go, i am currently in no contact (after advised to by others on here). I do not miss the woman one iota! Have you tried nc?

Cigarettes, that sounds really tough. Perhaps more discussion with your husband to see your point of view is the way to go next? Then he can back you up more?

Just taking up a quiet corner here. Posted long ago about my abusive, toxic birth parents (they are not my mother and father - I see DPILs as that now). A childhood of fear, unhappiness, and creating imaginary worlds for myself to cope with the screaming, distrust, lack of respect and lack of love. But I broke free when I was 17 - left home, met DH, and have built a successful career and happy family of my own, with lots of friends!

Tried to help/fix my parents until they turned on me and poor DH and his family. I then had to turn my back and say no more, and walk away. That was about 4 years ago.

Posted a thread the other day about the fact that my estranged father has now tried to contact me through his solicitor and sent me a request to be his POA along with a copy of his will (which included a manipulative request about how I had to scatter his ashes after his death). Received so many wonderful, wise and supportive responses. Deleted the thread (after printing it out!) as I was anxious about being identified.

Coming here again for sanctuary. Can I stay and have you hold my hand? I hope I can be supportive to all of you, too.

I am determined to stay happy and free

Stopprojecting I can highly recommend breaking contact from narcs. Freedom is the most important thing in the world to me now (after my lovely DC and DH)!!! Good luck xx

myriad thanks for responding. I would go NC but she turns up most days to see dd. She knocks then immediately walks in as that's gonna make a difference. If I lock the door she will bang loudly.

I'm actually in NC with my own mother about six years. So I would love a positive female role in our family but I feel like I'm fighting a secret war. One min it's ok and I actually stick up for her Then she behaves like this.

She let me think dh was having an affair once, with out actually saying it. It was bolloxs. Who the fuck would even do that??? The secret was he was talking me away fir my birthday, it was a surprise. We were going through a rough patch at the time.

How did you go nc? She lives round the corner.

zara he knows his mum is manipulative. He told me when we first met and she told me some really personal stuff, not to believe everything she says. He just thinks it's his mum, she has always been like that.

Sorry for any typos I've had a glass of wine!

zara just properly read your thread! I'll hand hold!!

I've NC with my mother for six years. I'm not ready to talk about her though.

hope your ok x

Zara -thanks for your share: you are a fab example of strength here. Thankyou.
Ciggarettes - i had a big fall out a few weeks back with mil and sil. Since then we havent spoke and i havr decided i probably never will ( i can see now that mil and sil will continue with same behaviour so I need to be the one to change - which means having NC)

My dh still does with mil as does dd who is 10 mo. However this will probably have to change eventually.

myriad sounds like we are very similar, dd Is 9.5 months.

SIL however has had 18 years worth of grief of her, married her son. Mil was apparently crying out of sadness on the wedding day.

I've just half assed told dh (a tad relaxed after ) and he just said " give it her back then!"

CandS

re your comment:-

"For some stupid fucking reason I keep trying with her. Dd loves her so I think that's why".

If it is only just that, then that reason is simply not good enough. Am emotionally healthy grandparent would never act in the ways she has done.

It is NOT your fault his mother acts in the ways she does. She likely has a personality disorder.

Why would your DD actually love her grandmother when she sees her own mother being treated with contempt?. This will only get worse as she gets older. Is this really the role model of a grandparent you want to be showing your DD at all; she is being shown a very damaging role model here in the shape of her grandmother. Your DD could well end up being emotionally harmed by her grandmother; look too at what this person did to her dad!. That will happen to your DD as well.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

Do not be that well intentioned parent.

A good rule of thumb here is that if she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with then she is certainly the same for your both vulnerable and defenceless child.

The only thing you can do going forward is to go no contact and disengage her from your life entirely. If your DH still wants to have any sort of relationship with her that is up to him but it does not follow that you and by turn your DD have to.

Your boundaries need to be raised an awful lot higher (an easy thing to achieve) and your DH needs to be more on board (much, much harder). He likely is in FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother and also has had a lifetime of such conditioning hence his weak responses i.e she's always been like this. Yes, she has always had a personality disorder. She will not change; you can only change how you react to her.

attila some points of that really rang true regarding the gran kids. A while ago dn stayed here and mil had upset his mother and him and he had to stay here fir the night. She repeatedly rang him, pissed from the pub asking him if he still loved her? He was 12 he was outside crying, dh was out and I was thinking what the hell do I do !

She was saying things that were back handedly putting his mother down and he as so embarrassed.

Some times the interaction between them is creepy, on her part. She is not the same with d niece. She will say " look at me xxx, you know nana loves you don't you? ..

He gets uncomfortable with it but he also uses it too, when he was grounded and his mum was at work. She was taking him macdonalds for his dinner. Mil and SIL have had a huge fall out so it went down like a lead balloon.

I'm going to really pull back, we are never going to be happy family's .

Oh Zara, so glad you came here lovey! I was wondering how you were today!

Please just bin the POA and don't think about it again.

You know as well as anyone that Death is their Ace card! They LURVE to play that one.

Even my own mother tried it, as the first trick out of the box, when I decided enough was enough with my sister.

"Oh I would so hate for you to only make up at my funeral"

I said "well there'd be no need to make up then, would there, think about it"

She never tried that one again if you discount her henchman H trying the line "we're none of us getting any younger.."

It's like they want to see just how much hurt they can inflict, and no matter how harmful to us, they keep pushing for more.

See the POA for what it is, a highly orchestrated attempt at trying to suck you back in.

God, Zara, that's horrible.

It feels like just an extra extension about the All About Him-ness. 'I will control you, even after I've died.'

I agree with the above - unless you have to speak to the solicitor in order to say 'No, not doing it', just bin the thing.

All is still quiet here. DH got a late phonecall earlier in the week when I was in bed, and my heart started racing, assuming it was Dad to tell us Grandma had died. It turned out to be work though.

It's very irritating how it stays close under your skin.

We're also sorting the garden out, which means digging over the area he used to use as an allotment so we can sink a pond and put flowers there to attract birds. It feels right, that we turn the garden into something that DD will love, but it still feels weird. The garden used to be the only reason he'd visit. So in a lot of ways, it's good that it's gone. It still feels odd though.

Morning all >>

Two glasses of wine on a fast day really wasn't a good idea , so apologies if I was a bit ranty last night !

Morning ciggarettes! are you doing the 5:2? I am starting it, have bought the book :)
You neednt apologise, you were merely letting off steam!
I am feeling rather agitated today as DH going to see miL timorrow with my DD. This will be first time in 3 weeks. I am very anxcious- the control freak in me is panicking that I cannot be there to make sure she doesnt bring dh round to her sick, warped way of thinking ( she is very manipulative)
My DH is 'on my side' so to speak, but his mother is an emotional wreck and will probably bawl and coerce him into seeing she is a victem in all this (basically we fell out because dh and me argued -which resulted in her getting involved -phoning me and saying we should split up etc sil then also got involved and abused me on fb and threatensd to hit me) mental.

I know i am probably bein ott and fearful over nothing. I know i should have more daith in dh, but i am just so scared she will tear us apart :( any ideas on what i should say to y dh aboit this tonight? I dont want to get angry (not fair) olus I know I have to be fair so he will be open and honest with me tomorrow About what mil says tomorrow.

Sorry for sp mistakes ! Damn phone!

myriad unbelievable, what right do they think they have?

Oh it's never their fault. This morning I've really decided to stop making the effort. When mil comes round dh ignores her anyway so it's me that entertains her and I still get the barbed comments. I used to feel sorry fir her because both her sons to some extent ignore her and I think it makes the situation worse. I would go as far as saying BIL uses her and SIL gets all the flack but no be can say a bad word about BIL.

I really welcomed her in and I shouldn't have done. Getting her out now s going to be the hard part.

attila said something about the grand kids last night and it's really stuck with me?Nashe does emotionally abuse her three older ones. And it's made me very uncomfortable to sit and watch and I could kick myself now.

Eg. Walking in to sils (after huge fall out) house while BIL was working away and shouting to her dgd (9) who was in living room with SIL " xxx ask your mum when your df is back " so SIL told mil, then she shouted " xxxxx ask your mum , what time " SIL responded. Then she just walked out.

She would cook tea for BIL and three kids and not make dil any and the worst of it was BIL was happy to eat it!

Recently I've noticed mil saying to dd, " xxxxx" oh what a stupid head band,you look silly " or " oh xxxx that coat is filthy Why hasn't mummy washed it (she'd just had a cookie) now dd is 9 months so I know they are pointed at me BUT after reading Attila a post I'm absolutely NOT going to let her pull that shit with my dd.

If I as in your position and from here it looks good. NC, I haven't achieved that. I would keep it. And I would be really focusing on minimising contact with your dd.

What did your dh say about the threats of SIL ?

I think, I would say," after the way I was treated by mil and SIL they are not going to be afforded the luxury of spending time with my dd. Until they can be civil and apologise they are out off the family. "

I do t think I would let her go at all.

It's only in the last year BIL has started sticking up for SIL , she has 18 years of being treated like a separate entity. I feel really sorry for her.

You can't control dh but you can control what happens to you and have a say on dd. I'd be putting you and dd first and getting away from the old witch , like I'm going to.

Xxxx

Myriad

There is no way your DH should be taking his DD around to see his toxic mother tomorrow.

Toxic parents like his mother more often than not turn out to be toxic grandparents as well. He could well end up becoming a well intentioned parent who have allowed a relationship with said parent now grandparent only for it to go horribly wrong later on. Its not a risk he should actually take.

If she cannot or will not behave she gets to see NONE of you. Sounds like your DH is still very much in FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother. It is NOT your or his fault she is this way; her own birth family did that lot of damage to her. Do you have any idea of what her own background is like?.

Also myriad the 5:2 is surprisingly easy for me.

It allows the take a way at weekend.it has shrunk my stomach and I can easily get to 2/3 with out anything to eat most days so have to remember to go get some thing.

Weights fell off - so far!