"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

meerka i think it is very much that, yes! He is scared to lose it. Bless him.

dizzy glad to hear you got to see the baby and all is ok. One less fight is always good!

I cannot imagine ever seeing dh's family again. Stupid really; we live in a small town so it is gonna happen... The more I am away from them, the more I feel this is definately the way forward....

anyone your mum sounds hard work, good on you for trying with her again. I can imagine it would be scary though. I guess time will tell - atleast you are willing to give her a second chance :) dunno if I would from what you said!

Good luck with her, Spinach. I really hope her new man helps steady her a bit.

Re looking at pain - I have to admit, it's very, very hard in therapy. However, because we're in a very safe room, and we've spent several months building trust, it is possible. I haven't shared my pain with MrRock; I stick to facts and jokes. But in a lot of ways, I don't feel I need to. I'm freer understanding where the pain is and why its there. My therapist (did I mention recently that she rocks) is very careful with this. We spend some of the session examining it, then half coming round and calming down, so by the time I walked out the room, I was much steadier. It stayed, just under the surface for a few days, but then sort of dissipated. We're supposed to alternate feeling and thinking, but we happened to have had two feeling ones in a row.

It really did wipe me out, but I feel better now that it's done.

Hi spinach, welcome to the group. I hope things will continue going well between you and your mum. If having her in your house is making you feel so bad though is it possible for you to only see her either at her's or in mutual ground?

Madonna glad you're getting some relief at the moment. It's wonderful being away from them isn't it? My ideal is just for us to move country - we'll still see them every so often but not nearly as much. Just me, DH, and the kids, free to live our lives. Now that's what I call bliss.

Dizzy I regularly have this fantasy too!

Hi madonna, looking, kipper (what a name combo ) Thanks for your thoughts!

Yeah, I hope things will carry on calm. There's been a general pattern in my life that my mum's much less problematic when she's with someone - when she's attached to someone else, they get all the shit and I don't. When she breaks up with them, however, she comes down full-force, sans boundaries, onto me. Before I was in therapy and laid down a few rules (that went down like a lead balloon, as you can imagine ), she'd regularly ring me for forty-five minute emotional haemmorhages. I had to be totally available, all the time. Some years ago, when she was single and I bought a house with my first long-term boyfriend, she seriously suggested that we should build a granny annexe on the side so that she could come and live with us. And then did the hurt-martyr guilt trip when I said 'Errrrr - no.' Not adding, obviously, 'That is mental'.

She doesn't understand other people as separate or different from her. If someone likes something she doesn't like herself, or chooses a lifestyle that she disapproves of, she literally cannot understand it. They are misguided, and need telling why they're wrong. I think that currently I am persona grata in the family (you know how these things work ) because I'm married, setting up a home, and trying to start a family. The work I do is also something that she considers interesting and morally good. Therefore she feels that I 'make sense' as an extension of her, and she gets on with me. The concern I have is that this gives an illusion of a relationship. And as soon as I put a foot 'wrong', she'll say something vile and I'll feel like a fool for letting her back in in the first place.

I know she's not magically changed into someone else, because six months ago when she found out that I was trying for kids she told my brother she was concerned I would pass down a 'generation of hate' to my children (because her defence against being told the damage she'd done to me was to say 'whatever I did to you, you'll do to your own kids'). That was after we'd had what I thought was a refreshingly normal chat about what it was like to have your first baby.

Thus the heebie-jeebies

kipper, it's a good suggestion about neutral ground. The problem I have is that she offered to help out with some things at our new house which really needed doing. I said yes, thinking it meant one visit. Now she's been down for one and it turns out she imagines this as a series of 2-day visits, a couple of times a month. I've tried leaving it a bit and being vague, but she keeps asking what dates would be good and she hasn't done anything awful yet, so I've agreed to another visit.

It's just that every visit means steeling myself beforehand, and debriefing all the weirdness/memories afterwards. And the ever-present risk of being broadsided by something outrageous.

Yep, it's kind of sad that you feel driven to the point of wanting to move country to escape! It's part of our 5 year plan, in theory we'll be eventually relocating to Germany - I'm not sure though as it involves us getting to the point of being self-sufficient and self-employed. Still, it's nice to dream.

Eep, lots got said in the time I spent not refreshing! Again a lot of what you said reminds me of MIL spinach. It does sound like precarious ground to be walking on. Perhaps you could say you'd only thought it would be 1 visit and feel as though you're taking advantage with her coming over so often, then suggest going out for a coffee somewhere instead?

A lot got said by me I like an essay

The coffee thing is a great suggestion, but for reasons I'm sure everyone on here will understand (!), I live over 200 miles away from my parents. Contact's usually a visit of a day or so, though not very regularly. I have had a rule for a long time that I never, ever see either of them without backup. A bit like a police operation If there are witnesses present, it tends to tone down their attacks and also means I can check my perception of what happened with an independent party. That's usually my brother or my husband, both of whom are fantastic. Having them there makes me feel secure and protected.

This thing about visiting for a couple of days at a time means my mum getting a lift with someone who works near where I live, then catching a lift back with them. The timing of that means it's a two-day stay, on weekdays, when my DH is working.

Having her in the house with me, just us, makes me feel like I'm walking a tightrope over a very, very deep drop. She spent a lot of time, just after I finished therapy and she was trying to undermine me and tell me I was the one with a mental illness, asking if we could 'have some time just the two of us' and trying to manouvre me into situations where we'd spend time alone. This was in order that she could tell me how awful I'd made her feel and how I and everyone else in her life had betrayed and attacked her. This dropped off after she met the new guy, but I know from experience it's still very much on the menu.

The flip side of this is that because she's not done anything awful (yet), and has actually been very helpful round the house, I can't help feeling guilty about being suspicious of her. Trouble is, I've been here before, and I always end up saying 'Why did I do it, again? I'm an idiot.'

Maybe I'll be able to put her off after the next visit.

.

following on from the thread about "but she's your mum" made me want to delurk.

I am nc with my parents. I've been on and off nc with them for years but having been reading these threads I now know I grew up with an narc and an enabler.

I'll try to be concise. but is v difficult

adopted very dubious private adoption no records I've looked my "D"F is/was a social worker and child psychologist who liked to try out his theories on me. I now probably should have counselling but he put me off.

my "D"M pretends to be a nurse - really she has no formal qualifications but somehow has been managing private nursing homes and giving out drugs for years. I used to do the drug rounds as a teenager when I worked for her!!

but even though I still wanted their love respect acceptance I spent most of my childhood bring told I could be sent back. so have a deep fear of rejection.

in my teenage years I told my "D"M that from 6-9 i was forced to do stuff with one of my f staff. they told me I'd ruin my dad and I couldn't do anything. then they laughed told my doctor I had mental health problems. now with the internet I now know he was done for child abuse and was sent to prison. he also has in the past employed known abusers. but hay its all in my head.

sorry I'm rambling
I spent my time post uni abroad for 6 years literally from one job to the next not going back to UK.

then I met my DH ( long happy separate story) and I told my DPs we got married then broke contact again after id told my DH about everything and my mum tried to grope him several times then after our Dd1 was born I contacted my DF. then sporadic contact for about 3 years. though they did vanish after Dd2 was born 1st saw her at 3 months. then contact every few months.

then nearly 3 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 BC. survived just we asked for help to look after DDs for my chemo and got no help. I was told I was attention seeking so mastectomy chemo and radiation was not needed?!

they still send cards to my DDs which we bin. they complain to other family members how horrible I am my fathers family in Australia I am fb friends/chat with.

sorry long rant but I guess part of me is still a little girl who still wants their validation.

I hit stage

no idea where I hit stage came from

Hi, I've lurked this page but never posted. Sorry but I've name changed and I'm going to be a bit vague for fear of outing myself so I hope that's not too annoying. Really, I'm just looking for a bit of advice and maybe a kick up the bum. Anyway, one of my relations has always been a bully with horrible controlling behaviour. For several months I have been cut off by them as they feel I have wronged them but are not telling me what I have done. This is fairly typical behaviour. Meanwhile I've decided not to play the game anymore and have realised that life is actually easier without contact. However sometimes I do have that terrible hurt feeling and feel so rejected and left out of my family group that I want to try to make up despite knowing it's the wrong thing to do and will just restart the horrible cycle.

I suppose what I want to know us do you have any advice to make me feel stronger and stop this punishment being so effective.

Hi scrummummy seems we chose the same moment to delurk

"They came to see that family need not be defined merely as those with whom they share blood but for those whom they would give their blood." Charles Dickens.

Thought this would be of some help to people on here :)
Certainly struck a chord for me!

That is a lovely and helpful quote. Exactly the kind of stuff I need to focus on. I do have good friends and am a good friend to them too. It helps me to remember that it's not that unusual for things to be crap between family members.

Exactly football :) I felt so much reassurance from this one quote; had to share!

Hey everyone. I haven't been on here in a while and I can't remember how much of my 'story' I actually posted. In a nutshell, my dad is a bully and my mum is a passive enabler. They are both toxic in different ways. I did a reverse AIBU about them once and even the AIBU lot sympathised: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1774722--to-have-told-DD-to-find-her-own-way-home.

I went NC last year and it has been a blessed relief for the most part. With my dad it was easy as he doesn't care anyway - I stopped contacting him and literally never heard from him again.

My mum on the other hand has acted like a total fruitcake. She has sent anonymous typed letters accusing me of lying, signed 'missing you'. She has sent unwanted gifts and found ways to get round my block on emails.

The police agree that she is a fruitcake and have officially warned her that she is one unwanted contact away from being charged with harassment. So what does she do? She sends DH something (being vague as I've told friends about this) and adds a note signed by both my parents saying they hope we both get away for a summer holiday this year. Total fruitcakes, the bloody pair of them.

I am amazed how freeing it has been though, going NC and changing my outlook from 'must keep quiet and pretend all is fine' to removing them from my life. My brother has unfortunately been less than supportive.

The police however have been outstanding. They seem very clued up and have taken it all extremely seriously even though it's largely stuff that seems inocuous or nice if I try to describe it to anyone else, like gifts and cards which aren't nice at all as I don't want contact!

Sorry for the rant!

jessjessjess

Going NC can indeed be liberating as you have discovered.

However, some toxic parents do not let go of their intended victims easily so continue to try and "hoover" you back in by sending unwanted gifts and notes. Its just another weapon in their arsenal to try and pull you back in.

Did you also tell the police about the item your mother sent?. If not, you need to do so Many forces do take such harassment very seriously. She should indeed be charged for harassment if she keeps on sending unwanted items to you.

Not really surprised unfortunately to see that your brother has not been supportive towards you; he is likely to be the golden child in that set up and is more "favoured" by his parents. He is more than happy in the role that was assigned to him but its a role also not without price. He has not yet realised that and perhaps never will.

I did indeed - it doesn't count as part of the same complaint as it's to DH, but they said if he asked them to they could go round and have 'words of advice'. He did and they are...

Just popping in to say hi to the new posters. It's so sad all the pain on here but it's a great support thread. It helps me to draw strength and realise I'm not unreasonable. Hope you all find the same.

Off to work soon, I'll try and catch up more later.

Hi Jessjess, you sound as though you have your head screwed on but try to remember that your brother's head has been messed with as much as yours so I would keep his door open. Be mindful of course that your parents will try and get through that door as well. It's likely that they are already using him as a way to get to you. Over time he will realise that you are not the cause of your parents problems and he might realise that he has been drawn into it too. You might have a future together eventually when you or he has children so think of the very long term with him. Your parents will be deliberately setting you against each other, it's what they do. Any decent parent will try to bring siblings together and get them to stop fighting, toxic parents obviously don't.

Hi horsetowater,

My brother has indeed had his head messed with but he is not a very nice person and has never been someone I can have a healthy relationship with. He has behaved in some very disappointing ways. The fact he's my sibling doesn't mean I want him in my life. Sorry get a bit over sensitive when people tell me to keep the door open.

Jess I guess the question is whether or not he can shake off the path set for him by your parents or whether it is too late for him. I guess I am an optimist and also I have lost most of my brothers along the way and regret that they never saw beyond their antagonism towards me which was exacerbated by my parents. I never did them any wrong but I will never know as they are no longer alive to ask. It suited them more to demonise me. I was always the mediator - I wonder if your brother is in a similar position.