"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hello I haven't been on here for a week or so.

I'm in such a mess. My mentally ill brother phoned my mother a couple of weeks and poured out everything she had ever inflicted on him. At first she spluttered and denied, but eventually listened and even apologised, crying obviously . She has sent him a letter which he read to me, and it was so remorseful and apologetic and sounded very genuine. He hasn't really responded to it, except to say "I hope Hester will be receiving a similar letter".

There has been no letter. Whereas an objective description of his behaviour towards him is clearly abusive, I don't think that she understands that she was, to a lesser extent admittedly, the same towards me. She paid for my piano and flute lessons you see. And took me to the ballet and stuff . She doesn't think she has anything to apologise for. She can't understand. The reason I was so upset a couple of weeks ago is because I "misconstrued her behaviour". He has very clearly been adversely affected because he is in an institution and tried to commit suicide and couldn't achieve anything, whereas, even though I am not really the ideal daughter, at least I went to University and have been a moderate success.

I am so full of hate and rage at the moment and am blaming her for pretty much everything. The latest shower of shit to hit me (apart from flooding, did I mention that?) is my IVF treatment failing. She filled me with so much stress when I was having the treatment and then afterwards during the 2WW, and all the advice is to be relaxed. I even blame her for not wanting to start a family until I was 34, because the impression she gave was that love and family were for sad acts and losers, and that children were nothing but a monumental drag and causes of resentment and drudgery. I was also afraid that if I had children I would turn into someone like her. Then I decided that I was stronger than that and would make a damn sight better mother than her, and I wanted children after all....well four years later, still no family. I am nearly 39 and pretty much out of time and have no money for private treatment. The rage I feel is now because I will never ever ever experience a normal, loving, supportive family environment. I will never get the chance to put right all that she got wrong. It's so fucking unfair.

Hello Hester don't give up!!

You sound in a really bad place, Hugs (((. ))))

Oh Hester I'm so sorry to hear about the IVF treatment. Thinking of you

Hester I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

Re grandparents, Attila speaks the truth. It really bothers me that my brother tolerates my parents' toxicness and is teaching his kids to make excuses for them. I don't think that's okay. I've told him so but he doesn't want to rock the boat basically. I refuse to be part of that system any more.

Hester I'm so sorry that IVF is not going well. Sending you my love, and support, and handholding.

My mother expressed the very same attitudes about children, family and friendships - apparently pushing everyone away was a better plan

Lookingthrough and Hissy - thank you. Your posts have given me a lot of comfort. Yes, I will tell DH to throw the documents away I think (he has taken them away so I don't have to look at them). If the solicitor calls/writes again I will reply at that point and say "not interested, leave me alone", I suppose.

I just hate the sick, oppressed feeling this all brings out in me. Just the way I used to feel when they were angry at me for whatever the reason was that week. I don't actually think I love them anymore, yet this guilt (the infamous FOG!) is still there.
I guess the worst case scenario that is playing in my head is that my father calls me at work (the only way he is able to contact me), and tells me my mother has died and it's my fault she did (which I know would of course not be true). What would that do to me? My DH cried when I said I was thinking that and he said he would protect me at all costs.

myriad - I think you need to keep your precious DD safe

Have been reading blog posts and watching videos on the Bullies Be Gone blog, as always they are very helpful!

Cigarettes you have a good plan. Protect your lovely children from that kind of toxic environment!

Hissy you are very right and I like the line you gave your mother!

My mother was suicidal at points and had poor health. When I dared to speak my mind as a teenager (I was a very well-behaved teenager, worked hard at school! So not like I was a hell-raiser!) and questioned the suffocating control they tried to exert over my life my father would rant that my mother would have a heart attack and it would be all my fault

I don't know if this is the right place but I think I have a narcissistic mother. I'm 53 now and have never ever done anything to please her.

She was a party girl; always in the social limelight; always popular; always stunning, etc. Married three times, married my father (who was a quiet man) because she was pregnant; was unfaithful to him; has been married now for 32 years to a man her junior who bigs her up (she has the money).

I wasn't allowed to wear pink because it was for pretty girls, I was quiet and miserable (told that constantly), no-one would want to marry me. Never ever congratulated for doing anything - you know little stuff like passing exams, doing well at work, buying a house, getting married, having children.

She has lots of illnesses that are blown up out of proportion yet when I have been ill (one chronic illness that presented acutely) it has been dismissed along with my micarriages and when my son died neonatally. There was always someone worse off than me or what on earth would she tell people. When I was 21 she went into in great details about how she nearly had an illegal abortion and how her life would have been better if she had. That way lovely and the point I think when I knew that she couldn't possibly love me.

There is always a little dig "your highlights need doing", "you've put on weight", "why don't you spend a bit more on yourself". The children have nothing compared to you at their age - it's so sad (they go to top schools and are very privileged - OK they don't have a pony but that's tricky in zone 2 London!). They evidently look poor.

Everyone when I was growing up thought she was so wonderful; my friends thought she was the best mum ever but didn't know how much was for show. I think people in her village see her a bit more for what she is nowadays and she has had an awful lot of fallings out with an awful lot of people over the years.

I don't think I realised how bad it was until I had children of my own. I always thought it was my fault and then one day when dd was about 13 she said "oh God mum, I don't have to go to gran's in the holiday do I; I'll be find on my own at home. I don't know how you put up with her - she drains". That was the first time I felt it wasn't my fault.

Having said all of that I was never hit, I was never abused, I never went without (I probably had too much of everything materially but I'm not sure it was really for me now but rather she wanted my friends to see the perfect bedroom and lovely clothes she bought me).

It feels better writing it down but it also feels disproportionate when compared to how other people have suffered.

But still at nearly 54 I have never pleased her with anything I have done, she criticises my appearance, husband, children and home and I think they are all things to be quite proud of. I would like one day to please her but I know I never shall. I don't think I ever understood until I had my own children and knew they were to be treasured.

And yes, she took me to stately homes. And no, we never really took ours because they thought they were boring and preferred theme parks so we took them there instead.

Sorry - just needed to say. I think she is a narcissist - I think if I were my daughter who is much more sensitive than me there would have been a lot more harm done. I think I would be happier in my heart if my mother were different.

I daren't speak of this to anyone - I think they'd think I was nuts if I did.

Apologies for the stream of consciousness.

windmill it sounds like you were living a lie for many years; or she was. or you both. The Perfect Mother ... only she wasn't. And isn't. And now, all these years on, people are starting to see it.

If your 13 year old daughter can see it at her age, then that says something.

I am sorry for all that emptiness that's come from her, the emptiness and the putting you down.

I hope you have a good husband who can see what's happened and whom you can talk to

Thanks. I don't really discuss it but I do tell my daughter how lovely she is every day and how proud of her I am.

I do tell my daughter how lovely she is every day and how proud of her I am.

That's what we never heard. Praise (unless it was passing an exam or performing in public) just never came. I posted once on a thread about how often people told their children they loved them and how great they were. Almost everyone said "Every day." I was so surprised and asked if people really told this stuff to their kids every day, and was then accused of being a shit stirrer :(

But it is so alien to me.

I think partly that the prevailing culture has changed. 30 years ago people almost never said this to their children.

Much nicer now :)

zara Im sorry if i gave you mistaken advice over the PoA!

Yes I suppose that's true.

Sorry, I'm just feeling so sad and negative at the moment.

I never even got praise for passing an exam. I think my mother's response was "so when will you be getting a job?". When I got a masters, aged 47, she made a big song and dance about coming to the graduation ceremony and then told me how young everyone else was and what a shame it was I hadn't done it in my 20s.

Hester - you can't change the past but you can shape your own future and more importantly that of your children. I'm sorry you are in a bad place; sometimes I wonder if I might have been less successful if the small things had pleased my mum - I just wish she could (past and present) accept me for who I am and not for who she wants me to be and if I had turned out what she wanted whether that would have been good enough even.

That's the point. That's what I said a few posts ago. I don't have children. I can't have children. I won't ever have children, much as I desperately desperately want them. I can't change any of the past or make it better by doing better with my own children. I can't do better than she did because I won't ever have the opportunity. That's what is eating me up inside at the moment. SHE had three children and fucked them up. I can't even have one.

Hester, I'm so sorry. I really hope it works for you soon.

Hello, Windmill. Welcome, though I'm sorry you're here too.

I'm completely cut up today. (Not literally). Therapy was good. Discussed sex and my issues a lot. Mum babysat, so when I came home, I tried to tell her what had happened; furtive little talks with Dad in the woods where he poisoned me.

She started right off saying 'I don't want to talk to you about sex,' which was hard. That's where the problem came from; she wouldn't so he did. And he was utterly incompetent. She agreed that he was ignorant, but that's all. He does love me, apparently, and is worried he's upset me. She has told him that I'm fine, and I'm just very busy. I don't care. I'm too tired. And I wish she'd stand up for me and get angry with him too, but she won't.

I think I just got very sad that once again, she won't stand up for me against him. They've been divorced for 20 years, and still, he comes first.

I agree with Meerka, I do think we're becoming a lot more emotionally expressive and open as a society than we used to be. But I also tend to think that, yes whilst words are important, actions carry a lot more weight. Regardless of how often I tell my daughter how lovely she is or how much I love her the words will be meaningless if my actions don't show her it's true, in fact I think they'd be hollow and empty to her if all she had was just words and it would pretty much be like she wasn't loved at all. My parents weren't emotionally expressive at all (or physically either really, not many hugs here) but I do think just their general attitude and behaviour makes up for that and I've grown up in a family that really does love and care about one another, even if we do feel quite weird and uncomfortable if we're made to say it.

I'm so sorry hester I really didn't mean that comment to be insensitive. I've read your post now.

I recall the pain of fertility problems and it is awful. When you have recovered from that a little bit do you think there are children out there who are damaged and in need of real, loving, caring nurturing parents that you could help. I would have done that; I'm not so sure my dh would have bought it though.

Relatively speaking, I have no right to be here. I'm sorry to have troubled you all when you have so much more to heal. I am sorry and I wish I could make it all better.

Hi windmill, I do think for a lot of people when they have children of their own start to realise all that they didn't have/needed. I think this is partly why DH has begun reflecting and getting angry with his mum (though he's not allowed to criticise her...). fwiw I think being emotionally neglected/starved by some one is just as important as the other forms of abuse. It effects you for the rest of the life and creates barriers you have to surmount in order to live a happy, normal life. Welcome to the group, though I'm sorry you had to be here.

Sorry Windmill. I didn't mean to snap. You have every right to be here. Please stay

You didn't snap - you hurted. I lost a son at 27 weeks - my mother told me to be grateful for the baby I had because there were girls who had no children and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I well recall the grief of not producing children (I got pg easily but couldn't keep them in there) and effusively congratulating friends who rang to say they were 12, 13, weeks with tears streaming down my face. It was a time when I needed a mothers love.

hugs

Thank you for a lovely post. I can't talk to her about this at all, after all "Everyone has their problems. Why are yours worse?" (I've NEVER said they were!)

Well we're not talking at all at the moment.

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's such a bad pain :(