"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

How much is the CAT therapy roughly?
The only thing i can getvon mhs is cbt. Feel i would massively benifit from some good, thorough therapy.

wontletme, It is NOT your fault! Your mother chose to behave that way. It is also really not your job to protect your father from her! He is an adult, and makes his own decisions about who he does and does not see and what sort of behaviour he will tolerate.

Madonna, I'm afraid I don't know; I'm getting CAT through the local (NHS) psychiatric hospital.

It's extremely upsetting that such services aren't available for everyone.

Looking sorry if my post brought up bad feelings for you. It does help to show though that these things aren't just 'psychological', there are actual neurological changes that take place in the brain - a type of damage that is measurable and scientific. It isn't dependent on the feelings or responses of the victim, the victim just can't help behaving avoiding eye contact etc.

It is evidence that emotional abuse can cause brain damage. I hope some lawyer picks up on this.

It's fine, horse. The odd thing was, I was the golden child to Dad. It's just all I remember is the anger and rage and hitting. It was like all of the emotion got focussed in my direction; my siblings barely registered to him at all.

I just don't think this sort of therapy is available anywhere near me. I am in a rural area of NZ and I think crystal wielding counsellors are all I'll get.

I wonder if online counselling works?

I cant see why online counselling couldnt work. I know our GP surgery have started using CBT via online programmes.

There is a lot of self help available online. Even if all it does is help you understand things a little better...it is still a step in the right direction.

There is an online course in CBT. I can't remember the name now, but it was actually out of a New Zealand university.

Sorry - it's Australian. I knew it was somewhere antipodean.

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I started this yonks ago, but then was channelled into a person led service, but from what I did of this, it was quite good.

Damn it.

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I had my counselling through the NHS.
I only had to about about 3/4 weeks.

its not long enough is it, not when you have to live with the profoundly tangled mess that destructive relatives cause :( finding a good counsellor in the first place is hard enough, then 3-4 weeks counselling is only scratching the very surface

I would love to undergo some therapy - I have had bits of counselling here and there, attended Al-Anon too (massively beneficial!) ... But still feel a good dose of intense therapy would do me ( infact , probably most !) the world of good ! Not got the cash to splash at that though :/ ah well... Maybe one day :)

You beat me to it Looking, I was also going to suggest the Mood Gym. Though I've started it twice and ended up forgetting about it both times, so I do think sometimes it can be helpful having an outside influence to nudge you along. For people who can start things and actually stick with them though it's meant to be very helpful, I don't know the exact figures but I think I remember reading that they were testing out the effectiveness of the programme and the results were quite good.

We've the same problem Madonna, well the money and I'm too much of a wuss/pig-headed to go to therapy and DH is also pig-headed . I can't remember which group people on here recommended by when I checked out the fees the lowest were generally £40/h - not that unreasonable really but it must put a lot of people out given many would probably want a weekly session.

Dizzy I think most are in our position. £40 per month seems reasonable.... Though I imagine it would be more of a weekly thing to be of full effectiveness . This thread will surely suffice until i hit the jackpot haha!

Ps my dh would never go to therapy either! It os literally like trying to get blood out of a stone to try getting anything out of him, tellingly his childhood seems to be the hardest subject! Lots of, "I don't remember..." :/

am a bit the same with my husband ... not to exclude him as such, but the sadness is just unbearable, even now, when I remember the happy childhood times and what came later after the lovely woman who brought me up died when I was 10. I just can't talk about the early stuff in more than the faintest passing reference. Son started asking about if I have photos from when I was his age and I feel awful putting him off, but I cant open the photo album without crying and crying.

One day maybe.

Poor husband, he wants to know but I just can't open that chapter of life.

Thanks Meerka.. This may be why my dh doesnt either. So sorry to hear your pain though . It mist be hard if you cannot talk to even your closest about it. I do understand to an extent myself, there are things I cannot talk about with my dh- things he doesnt really need to know (i feel it would burden him) this ideology of burdening loved ones with our pain is very british isnt it!

There is a lot of that in it yeah, burdening others; both for their own sake and becuase you don't want to become too much of a misery.

for me it's also that Im afraid I'd totally loose it if I really open up and I don't want my son to see me that lost. I also don't know, if I did face things on my own, how I would cope, if i'd kind of be unable to carry on with everyday stuff. While people -do- muddle through usually, they really do, there are times when things can go very wrong and you simply cannot go on ... other people have to pick up the pieces for you. Been there once, and I am afraid of being like that again when I have one son and another on the way.

Is it possible your husband is also afraid of losing it? of being unable to cope and be an adult? it can be so terrifying ... its possible its somethign else completely, ofc. Just wondering

I wonder if there is a kind of residential therapy that people can go to with their partners, a kind of intensive parental detox. If you can have it for your body it might work for your mind too. The trouble with therapy is that it's so compartmentalised into one hour a week, you then go home and have to go back to normal mode. It might be good to be able to do something every day but be able to be away from children and responsibilities when you do it.

Hi, can I just sit here for a minute? I haven't posted in forever and don't really have something big to discuss, but I need a bit of safe space tonight. This afternoon I sent an e-mail to my sister telling her I'm angry with her for arguing with our mum about her (my mum) being difficult again about me and my family, and now I'm terrified of how she will react.

My sister is the only one who agrees with me about how messed-up our family is and we've made a fair amount of progress together in shifting the power balance in our favour, but lately we are on different paths of how to deal with it and this fight with my mum over something that doesn't concern her has made me very angry. I'm learning to stand up to myself and felt I had to tell her, but I can't bear to lose my one ally, but then I don't want an ally that doesn't have my back either, iykwim. So don't mind me, I just need to know for a minute I'm with people who understand how scary and painful this untangling of toxic relationships is.

Erm, **learning to stand up for myself

horse there are a very few places that might do that, the extremely highly regarded Tavistock Clinic in london being one. If you ring them perhaps they can help point you to a semi-residential place near you.

I hope your sister undrestands meiisme ... its hard, learning to stand up for yourself and getting it right, between being assertive enough and not too assertive!

Hi all,

Just popping back in with an update. We saw SIL1, MIL, and the new baby yesterday. Everything was civil enough, which leads me to think everything will eventually go back to normal. DH concurred and said "I'm just never going to open my mouth about anything again". - I'm not sure how likely that is, I can at least hope though that when conflict does arise he knows better than to go for the jugular every time now. And if not, well I'll see you back here .
At least though when we announce the presence of DC2 next week he can ring her and tell her like everyone else. I'd been predicting another drama and fight when she was told by text/letter instead of a personal call, so at least that's one fight averted. I really don't like arguments being caused over my kids, that happened last pregnancy as well.
Hope you're all doing ok.

Evening. I've been lurking around here a while and thought I'd make the effort and say hi to everyone. I've been reading the thread and . . . holy shit, some of it is ringing very loud bells.

I've known for some time (getting on 7 years now) that my mum was EA and suffering from a personality disorder. I worked through a lot of it in therapy, which was great. I'm still getting revelations though. Maybe it takes a lifetime to figure it out.

The stuff upthread about inappropriate boundaries around sex and personal issues is really, really familiar. I didn't realise it was common to so many peoples' experiences . . . My M told me that my stepfather was 'like a donkey, he needs no encouragement' (!) - at least that was when I was in my late teens, she also told me when I was much younger that my dad liked bondage stuff, and that he always wanted her to wear white lingerie. uuuuuuurgh.

I have to say that that's on the lighter side of some of her behaviour, which has included trying to kill herself and telling me it was my fault, telling me I was 'plain', reading my diary and mocking me about the contents then telling me I must have wanted her to read it because I'd left it where she could see it, and telling my brother that money was the main reason I married my lovely DH . . .

She has been much better of late, as she's found a partner and seems happy. I've been tentatively allowing her contact again, and even talking about personal matters to her. Thus far it is going relatively well, but I've got to say it's making me nervous. If it all kicks off again I know I have the strength to deal with it, but I really don't want to. To be frank, having her in the house gives me the heebie-jeebies and makes me feel very vulnerable. Last time I had nightmares for the two nights before she turned up

It's really helpful to read everyone's experiences on here. It's crap that anyone has to go through that, but if you do, it helps to understand and have a peer group