"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I find saying "hmm, uh huh, yes" while giving the phone the finger and silently mouthing "fuck off" works well too.

Lol Good! That made me smile.

Hi all - popping by again to read and send good wishes/ strength to others.

Some of you might remember, I had my so-called father (estranged for years) try to get back in contact with me recently by his solicitor sending me a copy of his will and a request to sign a power of attorney. WTF, right? Big ol' olive branch right there . Anyway, I binned the documents. Not through him I found out my mother had died last year (and he never bothered to tell me).

Have had some phone sessions with the AMAZING Susan Forward since and am feeling pretty good. I have been seeking the support of my wonderful friends and ILs too, who have been giving it in spades. I feel very grateful to be free. And very very grateful to have DH.

Just thought I'd update for those of you wondering what it feels like when your estranged parent dies. It feels like.... Well in my case.... Nothing. Relief. No guilt. It's just that thing that was always going to happen. And your life doesn't fall apart, the court of hellfire and damnation doesn't sudden appear to convict you of being a selfish ungrateful daughter (which part of your brain always likes to try and imagine would happen). It feels sad that her life was such a waste, but it's more sad that she tried to take me down with her.

Not going to reply in any way to my father. If he wants to get in contact, for a genuine, heartfelt chat, he can quit using passive aggressive letters from his lawyer and send me a fucking letter that is actually an olive branch.

Stay strong everyone. We all deserve to be happy, free and loved.

Hi all ,
Afraid i am back once again as I am having probs again with the MIL. I ended our brief NC as I succumbed to what everyone thought/ wanted and I wanted it in some way too ( as NC is actually a rather scary stance to make alone!) anyway MIL came over and was very quiet but polite and no talk of our fall out occured. This is what she wanted, to dust everything under carpet and move forward ....

I cannot see how this is going to work as it was very awkward. I feel like there is a massive pink elephant than needs addressing! So much has been said. I still desire some sort of an apology ?

Dh is keen for things to stay as they are and has said it will get better in time - hmm. Mil hasn't changed as far as I can see, she has merely changed with me- but no over all, mainly not with dh :( she is still telling him shes ill etc etc making him worried. But atleast she isn't going on about it to me. I feel for dh though and I feel annoyed that she obviously thinks she doesnt have to actually change at all :( gah why am I even moaning!? She is a perpetual victem and seriously nuts. What the hell was i expecting!?
Hope everyone is ok anyway ;)

Odaat

I can see why you resumed contact but its backfired and it won't work short term let along long term. Also contact was not resumed for all the right reasons; you did what everyone else thought they wanted thus putting your own needs last. Toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your MIL has not in any way altered. An apology therefore even if actually stated will not mean anything because your MIL does not think she has done anything wrong in the first place.

Your DH will do anything not to rock the boat between his mother and he, hence his bystander stance. He does not want to get involved and has his own still unaddressed issues re his mother so he is not the best person to support you here. He needs to realise though that his stance is hurting your family unit as well as himself. He is also deeply in FOG with regards to his mother (fear, obligation, guilt) and is likely to be more afraid of her than he ever would be of you. I don't suppose he would ever read Toxic Parents would he?.

You will again have to reinforce your own boundaries here with regards to MIL. Lowering them as you did has come at a great cost.

Thanks attilia.. Much food for thought there. Eek , I have no idea what thE bloody hell to do now :/
Dh would never ever read a book, let alone a self help one :( he is vehemently anti counselling etc. typical bloke!

He is seeing mil today. Let see what has been said ( if he tells me) I am in two minds here !

Hi all, I'm back.

My mother didn't reply to that text I sent her.
Then out of the blue this morning she text me saying 'hi it's mum, hope you and kids ok. I'm having physio for my back and wrist. There's been a problem with the phone mast here so been unable to use mobile for a couple of weeks'

Now there's so much I could say to this like wow her landline must've been out too, but I really don't care that she hasn't rung.
I feel manipulated in that she has messaged me before Mother's Day and can therefore act shocked when she doesn't recieve anything and claim she didn't know there was anything wrong.

I haven't replied yet, do I ignore or reply yes we're all ok and nothing else.
Still unsure as to whether to send a generic card as the fallout from no card will be an even bigger stress

Hi Mozzchops

Your mother could not give a shiny shit for you or your children. She wants to use them as well as narc supply; you need to protect your children from such malign influences.

I would say no to any further communication (text is non communication anyway) and certainly no to sending a mother's day card. She has been and remains a toxic narc to you. She is also not above getting her numpty enabler of a man (such women always but always need a willing enabler to help them) to get involved either as happened previously to you.

Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.

So I repeat, no mother's day card to her either and no further phone contact of any sort. You must detach or they will keep dragging you all the way back in and you will be back to square one again.

Detach, mosschops no text and no card. Go for it. I know it's hard, the guilt is hard to fight against, but it's a stupid emotion. Don't reply and don't send a card, you don't have to.

If I don't reply to the text she will start annoying me

But then nothing will ever change. I know it's not easy, but there'll always be some reason not to and so things go on and on.

"If I don't reply to the text she will start annoying me"

By replying at all you give her an "in" to bother you even more or just as bad enabling her to send in one of her "winged monkeys" to do that task for her.

It is not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist.

No replying text and definitely no card for her either.

Ooh you lot are so harsh

I know it's what I need to do but it feels so weird just cutting someone out of your life like that

Not so much weird you might come to find re no contact, but liberating.

Also your children really do NOT need such a toxic women like your mother in their lives either. Narcissists in particular do make for being deplorable grandparents.

If you use an iphone it's easy to block her number. Try doing that for a short while. She ignored you for a few weeks!

She is indeed a deplorable grandparent. It has been the source of many arguments.
I've also started remembering things from my childhood which I hasn't thought anything of before.

Should I tell her I want no further contact?

I wouldn't, no.

Mozzchops: please don't respond to her, otherwise the cycle all starts again.

She could have rung you. She CHOSE NOT TO. She got her godforsaken DP to hassle you...

She wants you to stfu about her stupidly giving HIM carte blanche to hassle you as her previous form has dictated)

Sucking you back in, so she can start being a cow to you again.

Having a little wobble again...do you think my plan sounds mad...and irresonsible?

If you want to go into translation full time. Do it. You have savings as you say. Work pt and do the exam in 2015. If you would earn more or be happier just do it. Life is too short either way, it's not all about money and you can save up again once full time in translation. People are always saving for a rainy day. I say that days now.

I didn't spot kathrynjaneways post until now. Hello! Hope you're ok x

G2B: at some point, if you're going to make a change in your life, you're going to have to take a bit of a risk.

Work out the overall cost, then the minimum return and see if you can make it happen.

Work out the worst case scenario, work out as many ways of achieving the results you need and go for it!

Welcome to kathryn too. Anything we can help you mull over? :)

I've planned and thought about it a lot, it's a good plan. I need to be more confident in myself. Thanks for the messages. I will look into counselling as well when work calms down around Easter.
xx

So you're just worried? Frightened?

Like you were when you were badtoWorse?

Look what you can achieve for yourself when you know it's right!

Look how far you've come! This is the next step, and no less important.

What's the worst that could happen? You don't like the course? Go back to teaching, etc.

We believe in you, you're stronger than you think you are!