"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

chiggers I note your mother didn't say how unreasonable it was that your brother didn't invite your children to his children's party.

Stand your ground here, because if you don't you'll be starting down the awful path of being a doormat and giving in just to avoid arguments. I would also avoid anything but neutral conversation for a while with your mother and if she brings anything up, refuse to talk about it and remove yourself from the situatoin. It has got to be hard seeing your children fall out, but there's no excuse for being nasty or for expecting you to apologise for something you haven't done. At least your dad seems sensible!

goodtobetter do you think your mother could have said that about the kittens simply in order to upset you in a snide sort of way?

Good2Better, why don't YOU consider moving back to the UK. Your H would be more likely to get work, you could still work in languages/TEFL, and you wouldn't have to deal with your mother's shit.

You'd be able to access counselling too.

She won't move back, despite how miserable she is, but that doesn't mean you have to stay. Either that or look to move within Spain under the guise of getting work for H etc..

The kitten thing is still with me :(

What kind of monster allows that to even enter their mind? She's a fucking batshit crazy monster of a woman, hellbent on ruining the lives of every poor bastard that comes within spitting distance.

Oh god, stopprojecting change your locks! don't just ask for the key back becuase she could have had a spare cut on the sly.

Trust your instincts, when you say you don't know if you're imagining it or not. If this subtle stuff has been going on a while, then it's almost certainly not you. The main indication that it -might- be you is if you have a pattern of suspecting this with other people too. If it's just her, then it's almost certainly her.

I assume the financial stuff comes to direct to you and not to her house? If it goes to her house, have the address changed to yours asap. But otherwise, she has absolutely no right to let herself in and go through your letters and belongings.

I imagine it's not particularly easy for your sister living there :s

But I like it here. I don't want to go back to the UK or move within Spain. I just wish she were further away. Even if I wanted to, she would just follow me. I'll ask db to ask if his guy can recommend someone. A friend gave me a recommendation for someone here actually...will follow that up.

stopprojecting

You are very much the scapegoat here in this overall familial dysfunction.

I would keep well away from both your narcissist mother and your sister (who seems to really be a carbon copy of her mother); both of them are toxic and are thus bad for you and your family unit.

Your mother basically wants to use your DS as a toy to use as she sees fit. Your role here is to continue to protect your son from such malign influences.

Leaving unwanted items is another way of trying to draw you back into their overall dysfunction; its called hoovering and is often used by narc parents as well. I would also have your mail now delivered to another address or even collected from the post office.

Re this part of your comment:-
"Since then she's gone quiet but I can feel her stewing".

I think she is biding her time before doing something really nasty; this is how narcs operate.

GoodtoBetter

The only way you will be free of your narc mother is when she dies.

You need to disengage totally with her mother; any communications at all just gives her an "in" to bother you even more. By allowing her to have any contact with you, you also keep this going. And her comment re the kittens was just vile and also designed deliberately to shock.

She gave birth to you G but that is where her contribution to your life and wellbeing ended.

I know you are right. I am trying to reduce contact a bit further to give myself a break from her and also as I am so busy at the moment. DBro says his counsellor said she displayed classic enmeshed relationships.

I'm feeling a bit stressed anyway atm with work and always feeling run down and run ragged. I've asked worked to give me part time from Sept so I can build up translation but I don't know if they will give it to me. If they say no I'm going to look elsewhere, need to use some of that money sitting in the bank to change things for the better. Can't go on like this. Just need the courage to take the plunge.

Hi GoodtoBetter,

What's that saying; feel the fear and do it anyway.

I think seeing a counsellor of your own would be a very good idea indeed; your brother found someone good - and importantly someone whom he can work with.

It scares me because DH is still unemployed. The problem is teaching only pays 1200€ a month and only during term (9.5 months a year). We can't live off that. We manage because I translate as well. But I can't do all that much translation as I don't have time, and it KILLS me. I just work all the time. I am ill all the time. I have been doing a lot of research and have a plan to relaunch myself in translation, but it involves getting a translation qualification. To do that I need time to study before Jan 2015 when the exam is. The plan was to go pt and take a hit on income for 6 months or so and use some of that lump sum in the bank as back up.
If there's no pt, I could look for pt elsewhere or maybe get some classes in the village academy and combine with some private classes, and of course any ongoing translation, but I worry that I'm being really irresponisble. But Then I think, we have that money in the bank (I have about 65,000€ and DH has about 20,000€)...it's a sensible plan, isn't it? PT with current job and if not then look elsewhere for PT so I can study.
This is my mother's legacy, lack of confidence, worry about money, not wanting to spend money.
Right, I'm going to take a chill pill and do the translation I need to get done today before work.
I'm so glad I have this space to talk.

Been lurking then discovered this thread. Title made me laugh if the reality of what it's about doesn't! ;-)
Anyhow, I am 17 days in after the birth of our lovely DD#2 and the inevitable bubble-burster of my toxic not-so-DM has just erupted. DH and I were primed against this - had it to nth degree with DD1 and lots of toxic trouble over the intervening years...(oh and all my life obvs!)
DM has been steadily twisting the tourniquet of pressure up over last 4 mths of PG and really ramped it up prior to birth. DH finally reached end of tether with her and has been 'guarding' his girls against her toxicity....we did one peremptory 'duty' access visit on Day #3 (so enabling-DF could get his 'money shot' photo of her with new grandchild...rest of us looking blurred/shit/on the edge of picture)...and all in all, we've managed to keep things generally on our terms.
However, lovely in-laws visited from a distance over weekend so there has been an inevitable toxic jealous backlash from The Fat Controller....which, I have to admit has now penetrated my defences....:-(
So, here I am, posting on this thread, trying to cobble my 'enjoying my lovely new baby bubble' back together and in reality, crying at having to endure such a shitty mother-daughter relationship that I feel forever tortured by and trapped in.
I am a survivor, I do not have the same relationships with my own daughters, I have a fantastic supportive DH who totally gets it and I will not let her spoil my joy. Repeat ad infinitum....and breathe....thanks if anyone has had time to read.
Wishing all in the same boat love and compassion X

Congratulations yonigon
You have my sympathises in regards to new baby toxic visitor/jealousy humdrum, I know it all too well having suffered it with my 3dc when pregnant and when they were born with toxic il clan. I have managed to keep them totally away from my latest addition thank the lord.

Your dh sounds like a keeper for sticking to his guns with them.

Thank you both! Yes, he is a keeper, for many many reasons!and yes, it's such a triggering time....hence why even more needed than usual to keep her at arm's length!
Never come across anything like this thread, obviously a safe and nurturing place...great and sad to read so much that is so relatable. Very helpful though, so thanks for sharing.
I will be back...with questions!!
X

OMFG!!!!!! DH has been shortlisted for that job!!!!!

Hello, can I join you too? Been lurking for ages and I don't know why I missed this thread. Burst into tears when I started reading, I don't know why, I tend to hold everything in usually. We don't really discuss our 'situation' outside the family, I don't think I've ever done bar when I've been in therapy so maybe this sparked my emotions.

Congratulations Yongnian on your new little baby x

Thanks Meerka. My beloved late MIL used to say that certain members of my family are completely useless. The thing is, stupidly, I waded in to defend them instead of seeing that she actually had a point. My own mum used to bitch about MIL saying that all she did was effing moan about her back and that MIL should suck it up and get on with it as my mum has cancer and MIL hasn't. The ironic bit about the situation was that 3 days later we found out that MIL had pancreatic cancer and the cancer was causing excruciating back pain for MIL. As the cancer was growing, it was pressing on some of the nerves in her back. The cancer in MIL was detected when it was too late to do much and apart from heavy pain relief, MIL chose not to go through chemo.

When MIL died, everything started to become clearer. I now realise that when we lost MIL, I lost the mum I should have had all along, not the mother I got.

We have now found out that DM has cirrhosis of the liver, which was brought on by heavy drinking. Both the Drs and our family thought it was cancer until tests came back negative, but positive for the cirrhosis. We were all astonished TBH. The consultants both apologised for the mistake and that they were convinced it was cancer as it had all the hallmarks. I wasn't so sure and had my doubts as they couldn't find the primary source despite numerous tests, examinations and scans. I didn't say anything as I wouldn't have been taken seriously.

Anyway, mum phoned to ask me to reconsider about apologising to younger DB. No chance, and I reiterated calmly that I wouldn't be apologising for something that I didn't do, but I changed the subject straight after. Mum tried to goad me into a fight, then when I wasn't rising to her bait, she started getting nasty saying that I was pathetic for not doing so as it didn't take much. Cue me saying again about not apologising as it wasn't my fault. I was subsequently called pig-headed etc so I told mum I was going home and that I wouldn't tolerate all this crap from her and DB and walked out (not before saying bye to dad).

Does anyone get the urge to want to tell members of our families to just STFU and grow up.

Am signing off for the night as I'm really sleepy.

Take care good ladies and I will probably catch up tomorrow.

Just realised that my post is a bit confusing from the part where I say that mum phoned me and me going home. I just want to clarify that she had rung me on my mobile and I was waiting on a taxi as I'd been shopping. Brain is fried ATM between planning my sociology and biology assignments, so ask me to clarify if you're unsure LOL

Huge hug for Good2Better!

Will go back and catch up on thread now!

Feeling a bit bruised right now. It's amazing how even years later I'm still in the role of scapegoat and treated badly. I've just had a short and unkind text from a SIL. She knew me before marriage to my brother and used to not speak to me this way, slowly but surely she has changed and now treats me exactly how my family do. It's no wonder I do not attend family gatherings. It's hurts. Life is hard enough as a lone parent without anymore crap to deal with. I'm treated like a doormat and an irritation. Feeling quite tearful. It was entirely unnecessary of her. I know it's her own issues not mine but it's hard sometimes. I'm trying not to react and respond unkindly. I also don't want to be petty and ignore her completely. She's one of the few I used to get on with.

Just re-read my last post. Forgot to mention that I had been speaking to dad on the mobile and he passed their phone to mum as she wanted to speak to me. I say walked out on mum, I should have said that I meant that I emotionally walked out on the mobile convo. Just one valuable tricks I imagined myself doing every time mum was looking to start an argument. I was taught that by my friend who is a counsellor. I find it helps me to detach mentally and emotionally from the toxic/manipulative person I'm talking to, and it means I can see the individual as a person and not a relative IYSWIM.

Hopefully this has clarified most things for you all. If any of those tricks can help anyone on here, please use them if you think they would be useful. I have plenty more up my sleeve that I have made up myself.