"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's February 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Attila, I have two brothers. The youngest is the golden child. He is very quiet and we don't have much of a relationship as he's 11 years younger than me. According to my mum the sun shines out of his arse and he's so much better than her other children. My other brother who is three years younger than I, has been on the receiving end of her poison many times, but is currently living under her roof, has everything paid for him so he gets to keep his wages, so he plays the 'mediator' though sometimes it's more like a puppet. However, when he moved out a while back he barely spoke to her. He is very snappy with her though, and quite literally tells her to shut up and she does. I can't really figure out the dynamics with my brother's role in the family, he's very domineering and bossy, but can be the nicest guy in the world.

I don't know. I'm rambling now...

There's going to be hell to pay in a couple of weeks when Mother's Day gets here and she gets nothing from me. That will be fun.

heh i like your joke :)

cleo can you plan -how- to handle the incoming Hell? knowing it's coming, are you able to step back, even almsot think of her as a stranger (even while the poison hurts) or as if you were your own best friend intercepting the shitstorm, and how your best friend would handle it?

Im sorry if you've already said, do you have a partner you can talk it over with and plan how to handle it with?

I don't even think it hurts me anymore. I'm just angry. More at myself for allowing her to get this close again.

I was planning on the strategy: ignore, Ignore, Ignore, Basically. I blocked her number from my phone over a year ago. She usually contacts me via whatsapp me though, I can easily block her on there too.

My DP is totally on my side. He's taken her shit as she goes through him to get to me when I don't respond to her. And insulting him brings out the lioness in me. I'm very protective of the people I love. If anyone tries to hurt my daughters or partner it angers me. Bless him, he's really laid back and things just roll off him.

glad to hear it. planning out with him what she might say / do and how to handle it, is probably the best bet. Think hissy's idea of limited contact with your father and brother as long as they don't act as her intemediaries is great too. They may not abide by it and you may be forced to consider total NC but she sounds so toxic that she poisons the air you and your family breath whenever she comes near

She deserves nothing from you cleo, what horrible things to do! Are you telling her you're going NC or just going NC?

Oh v strange morning, was busy washing up and I gets a text from sil on my phone, which used to be dhs. And it says "neice is in the area, I have asked her not to knock...but"

Niece is 15yo and so far has not turned up at our home, the text was 3 hrs ago.

I said to dh I would not turn her away should she turn up as she is old enough to visit on her own should she wish.
Although I don't actually think this has anything to do with what my niece wants, I think it's an attempt from sil to wind us up when in truth the reason we do not see our nieces is because I want nothing to do with sil as she is toxic. If one of the older girls were to come alone I have no problem letting them into my home.

If this isn't sil winding us up. Maybe just maybe my poor neices have had enough of the dysfunctional toxic family as we have.

Very strange indeed! Possibly designed to 'ruin' your day by putting you on tenterhooks.

Take all this in your stride. These people can't harm you anymore. Whatever comes your way you can overcome.

Sorry to interrupt just marking my place. Having a read and think x

She never turned up, clearly a crack of shit spun by sil. Like you say they can't harm us no more, will ignore anymore crap.

Glad to hear noboby bothered you in the end Pumpkin. We would normally see DM today but when I saw her v briefly on Friday she had a nasty cold so said she wouldn't be up to it today. Texted her last night but she hasn't responded so we're off to the park the four of us before the ILs for lunch.

What a lovely morning without the old bat!

goodtobetter

Have been lurking & need some advice. My father has NPD and getting worse with age. Want to go fully NC but under pressure from his brother to keep some contact with him. Usually this is ok as we live in separate countries but I'm visiting my home country soon to see my DM. How do I deal with family pressure to see him?

They know how he is but says he's my dad. My only sibling died 10 yrs ago and father isn't in a relationship so just me. But I can't keep being on the receiving end of his selfishness & nastiness.

Don't see him frazmum. Tell them that your visit is already planned out and too full, you just don't have any time to fit a visit in to see him. Stick to your guns, keep repeating 'unfortunately' you just don't have time this visit.

Disregard such family pressure; you are under no obligation at all really to see your narcissistic father. Honestly I would consider severely curtailing all contact with his brother as well, such people act like this too for their own reasons and do not have your interests at heart.

If he's so bothered, let his brother take the time to see him.

Please just put yourself first and refuse to allow your 'd'f the space to abuse/upset/insult you.

You don't have to see him, you don't have to take his calls.

In fact, if you don't it might (the smallest might possible) make him think.

Playing by his rules won't, so don't allow him that level of power over your life.

What Attila said. No one should be putting pressure on you like this. You are entitled to your feelings about your father's behaviour and to be allowed to protect yourself from it.

After my Grandma died my Uncle took over as his enabler in a way I suppose. In that he's always giving excuses for my father's behaviour. I actually get on with my uncle well. His wife agrees with me & does support me.

I hope it's OK to post on here, although it's regarding my PIL, especially MIL. My own parents died when I was a teenager and I had a very positive relationship with my mum. Emotionally she was very healthy and strong and I realised after she died that many of her own friends and family lent on her a lot for support. Although I was only 13 when she died she had given me a strong sense of self and also a good understanding of boundaries (although for a long time I could not have articulated that concept).

We are living a very long way from my MIL - she is across an ocean, although we did live closer five years ago. In many ways she seems to have positive qualities and I can enjoy being around her - she has a GSOH and can be kind. There has also been a lot of volatility in how she relates to just about everyone. I can't really say she is Narcisscistic but I would say she is immature and erratic. She also definitely sees my DH as the Golden Child and he has fulfilled his promise by attaining a prestigious education and career. DH has one younger sister and I could never quite understand the role she plays in the family as she (at least publically) is almost always passive "happy" and compliant. My MIL talks quite openly about how her expectations for SIL were low - she definitely didn't see her as ordained from on high in the way DH is in her eyes. More recently I feel like my SIL is expected to be the rescuer of her mum.

I noticed this quite early on. We had only been married a few weeks and I was hanging out with MIL and SIl and MIL was spouting on and on about DH. I listened and then said "MIL you are so right because DH, he.is.a. GOD!" and to her credit MIL fell about laughing as did SIL.

Over the 17 years of our marriage MIL has lurched from one crisis to the next (PIL are divorced) usually involving money as she immediately spends any money she has access to (so all credit cards will be maxed out as well). She would absolutely love DH and I to take full responsiblity for her - which we won't. It's like she wants someone else to be the grown up or parent. When I'm with her I feel as if I am in this super sober, stoic role and she sees me as a complete stick in the mud. It is not constant but over the years there have been a number of times when I have been devastated by her behavior towards me. She opened letters I sent to DH when we were engaged and read them out to friends and family members. She screamed down the phone at me when our second DD was having chemotherapy as a baby and I was all alone with DD in the hospital room. DD was severely anemic and the same colour as the white bed sheet. MIL called me crying and I tried to comfort her saying "It will be all right". She then started screaming at me "It won't be alright! It won't be alright!" I think that is officially up there as one of the worst experiences of my life. She screamed at me chasing me around the house when I was pregnant with DC # 4. This was beacuse she turned up unannounced at 7:30am when I was trying to get DCs ages 6, 4 and 1 ready for the day and then she said something quite cutting and cruel to me. I felt hurt for a few minutes and then thought "I'm not letting her get away with that" and said calmly that I thought what she said was unkind. She completely lost it and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from her.

She will claim she never remembers these times, she also never apologizes. I haven't even lived near her for five years but I do not know what to make of her. I have the impression that all family issues if possible will be blamed on me, I knows she definitely blamed SIL's husband and told outrageous lies about him - they are now divorced. Her "lies" are not really lies but more stories, she comes out with the most bizarre reason why she thinks people do things and sincerely believes them. It's like her sense of reality is off kilter.

This is very rambley but I feel like I always have to protect myself from her. I think she would manipulate me if she could - but she can't.

I want to be fair to her, she has raised two lovely human beings and I know I have my failings. I just feel she would engulf us if we let her

"I just feel she would engulf us if we let her" I totally understand this, it's my mother to a tee. Also the wanting me to be the grown up and look after her (although once her feet are under the table then she's the boss).
KEEP AWAY. No good can come of more than limited contact. I'm trying to follow that advice myself....not very well as she lives 5mins walk away.

GoodtoBetter thanks so much for responding to my ginormous post even though I barely scratched the surface. Yes, her ideal would be that we are totally financially responsible for her (last year she was calling begging DH to buy her a house! We don't own our own house at the moment.) and she would live in the bosum of our family yet make all major decisions or be heavily invested/involved in everything. When we lived closer she was always (unsubtly) trying to con us into giving her a copy of our house keys. I have often felt when we lived closer that she treats DH more like her husband in terms of the emotional responsibility she tries to give him.

Also MIL, FIL and SIL all regularly try and guilt trip DH - his own words. lt seems the only tool they have - they just don't appear to understand that it will not build the relationship they seem to want from him. Although really they don't want him to be his own person they want him to do what they want.

I remember when FIL's second wife (who I get on very well with) was talking to me one time she said MIL was very controlling, I said MIL AND FIL were very controlling. She just went silent. DH has witnessed his dad around his second wife and it upset DH to see how disrespectful he was.

I just can't imagine if MIL and FIL were still married what they would try and force on us - their marriage imploded as soon as the kids left home.

frazmum is there an option of say, a meal out in a restaurant with your father? it's neutral territory, it keeps your uncle off your back and it's very time limited. He may also behave better in public.

honey I find it really hard to deal with people whose sense of reality is offkilter. When they really believe the utterly weird stories they come up with, it's sort of silencing. What can you say to them?! Also, I'd have gone mad if someone read my mail. Close female relative did that, reading everyone's private letters and talking about them. Talk about a breakdown of trust.

Glad you're living so far away from her. HOpe that you don't have to have too much contact with her by phone.

Meerka - so well put! It is silencing, although if she says something about another person I speak up and ask "Are you SURE she/he thinks that/did that" because I wonder what weird and wonderful stories she has told the extended family about me. There is also a general silence around anything meaningful or diffcult - she and FIL don't talk about it or acknowledge it. Needless to say communication is of a superficial and somewhat fantastical nature. DH and SIL have been trained to ignore her bahvior and carry on as if nothing happened - because that's what MIL does. It is like learning a completely different emotional code.

I think I am here for a reality check!

Honeyandrum

When I read your description of your MIL I immediately thought of the words engulfing narcissist. These types are dealt with in very much the same was as other types of narcissist; keep your distance both emotionally and physically.

I am only glad that your MIL lives an ocean part from you because she would really make your lives a complete misery if she lived any closer.
You likely do not get anything positive out of having any sort of relationship with such people and I would suggest you have as little contact as possible.