Hi nearlyready
re your comments in quote marks
Why can't/won't I go NC? Hmmm. This along with the "Does your mum like you?" thread really got me thinking last night.
I think there are lots of reasons (in no particular order!):
"- It's all so very subtle that I wonder whether it's me, whether I'm being oversensitve, dramatic, mean, nasty, selfish. After all it's not obvious stuff and outwardly I think it makes me look like I'm being petty"
You were not petty re your DDs shoes. Toxic parents often accuse their victims of being too sensitive and such people often think this. It does not have to be obvious to be nasty.
"DH is on my side but I wonder if that's only because he only hears my side of the story. People (DH included sometimes!) have often said "you're so like your mum" so I think there's a lot of her in me and that maybe ultimately it's just a clash of personalities. Going NC feels too severe".
I am also on my DHs side because I have seen all too clearly what narc behaviour is like. No you are not a bit like your mother, not in terms of being narcissistic anyway. You are perhaps like your mother in some ways because she has trained you to be an extension of her. No its not too severe at all to go NC but its a realisation you will have to come to yourself and in your own time.
"- We live a 10 minute walk from each other. We often bump into each other!"
Is moving house an option?. Honestly the best thing here is to keep your distance both physical and emotional from the narcissist. If no contact is not viable what about low contact?.
- I'm not sure going NC would make me feel any better actually.
As you have not done this you do not know for sure!.
"She's cut ties with numerous people over the years and it baffles me. I don't want to repeat that behaviour".
Why does it baffle you; she has cut ties with these people because they have not been her yes men and have done her bidding; she thinks that everyone else thinks the same as she does. Cutting her off is NOT a selfish thing to do at all, its to maintain your own emotional health and sanity and keeping that healthy. Toxic stuff like this goes down the generations; was I surprised to read that her own parents were the same?. Not a bit of it.
"- If it needs to happen I want people to be clear on why - ie that it's her and not me and I can't confidently say that at the moment. Plus there hasn't been any recent incidents to make it a possibility. The last big flare up would've been the ideal time to withdraw more but I was so confused by the situation and hadn't stumbled across the wealth of info on the internet on it all at that point that I didn't know how to feel so effectively made up and carried on".
You do not have to explain why to other people; most people with non narc parents would not understand it anyway. Its her and not you at fault here. You are not a narcissist unlike your mother; you have and remain within her grasp here because she really sees you only as an extension of her own self. There will in time be another flare up; she is buttering you up now to do something really nasty. Be very careful in all dealings with your mother.
" I feel sad for her. She had a shit time of it when she was a kid from her own narc mother. Whilst I know that's not my fault or responsibility to fix I don't want to hurt her more".
Do you think she feels sad for you or even sorry for you?. Not a chance. She feels she has and has never done anything wrong here.
She is incapable actually of feeling hurt and has no empathy at all. Toxic crop like this goes down the generations; her own childhood was abusive as was yours deep down and now this woman is doing similar behaviours to your own child. Narcissist parents are deplorable as both parents and grandparents and really mess their adult children up big time. They should really not have any access whatsoever to their grandchildren (and I think you would think me harsh on writing that).
" I guess it's easier to carry on as we are than to make a massive stand and go NC"
Easier yes, but not necessarily better for you particularly in the long run. You do not have to make a massive stand about going nc either. You could just end up going around in circles for many years to come with regards to your mother.
"So yes, I guess I'm firmly encroached in FOG. But now that I understand it I find that helpful and it at least explains some of how I feel about DM".
Yes re the FOG but you are making small but steady progress here and for that you deserve a lot of credit.
"What's more confusing is who I am and why. For example, I know I have a tendancy to procrastinate so I have recently found myself questioning whether that's because I never had specific guidance from DM because it was always about her rather than me, or is it simply just me? Do I think nice and gentle people are weak because I learnt that from her or is it because that's just me? Part of me wants to be blame the less attractive characteristics and traits on her so that I've got an excuse or a reason at least. Then maybe I'd understand more about why I don't always like myself. Or is that just normal - that everyone goes through speights of not liking themselves? And so it goes on and on and on.......... And yes, this is what I know counselling would help with. Just need to priorise it and find the strength time/money. Posting here really helps"!
The above is really typical behaviour of an adult child of a narcissist.
I would urge you to make time and seek counselling for yourself and read the links I posted earlier. After all, knowledge is power!.