Visits from h

[sykes]

Since my h left I've allowed unlimited access to dds (for THEIR benefit) whenever we're at home. H still has keys to the door and is in the house quite a lot - ie, Monday evenings until fairly late, Thursdays when our nanny is there, Saturday mornings unless he takes them out and Sunday evenings. Also used to be Wednesday but he stoppoed coming as it was "difficult". I want to keep the dds happy so this is why I've allowed this to happen. Do you think this is good/bad for the girls? We hope to move at some point so it will have to change - also it upsets me quite a lot - h now lives with gf. Just wondered if any thoughts? Thanks.

Unfortuneatly I think if the girls seem happy with things, don't change it. I don't know the history at all, and I have no experience, but long term I really think that people who have remained as amicable as possible end up better off overall. Can you sit down and talk to him about it? discuss how you feel?? Also when you move things will change and he won't have keys etc. Perhaps you could ask him to give up his keys now if it makes you feel better? Good Luck

If it upsets you don't do it - he has upset you enough - take the keys back.

We're not amicable - I despise him beyond belief for all the hurt he's caused. Try to be amicable for the girls, though. Just think it's nice for them to see daddy in their own surroundings with all their toys/things and it's relaxing - they're only two and four.

Think maybe it would be ideal that they spent some time at his house and they got to see him in his surroundings.

I think if it is upsetting you it is time to change things. It may be stopping you moving on and it certainly gives you less freedom to feel at ease in your own home. Does he have a place the girls can visit him? This might also help them realise that things won't go back to how they were. Horrible for you whatever happens, I suspect.

I have got one friend with an excellent xp (though was useless as dp) who sees lots of their ds, but it is in his own home. My friend and him sit and discuss issues, such as where xp's girlfriend will sleep when their ds is visiting, which occasionally causes issues. Her xp often takes their ds on holiday with him and to visit that set of grandparents. My friend has a lot of privacy though. She chooses not to tell xp when she has a boyfriend, but he has their ds to stay on regular evenings, so she gets out a lot. If they are now 2 and 4, I should think your xh is quite capable of having them to stay for the night a couple of times a week. But how would you feel about being alone at those times, and is that holding you back? Do you resent the times he is there because you want to spend more fun times alone with your dd s in the evening and weekends, or is it because you don't want to see your xh hanging around in your home?

Message withdrawn

Do you have the keys to his house? I think I would certainly not allow anyone who doesn't live in my house to have a key to it (except close friends/ family who keep one in case I lock myself out!), and it seems that he's exerting quite a lot of control over you by having free access to your home. There's a balance by what's good for the children and what's good for you, and I've always been of the opinion that if Mum's not happy, kids won't be either.

Could you arrange to go out on the evenings he calls? Perhaps there are yoga classes, or catch up with friends etc. - have a social life - have dates! - then that way your dds could see their dad, but you could get on with your life too, so his visits would be a mutual benefit rather than an intrusion. Any chance that might work?

Hi Sykes, absolutely no advice, i'm pretty useless lately. Sorry. All i can say is that i did the complete opposite of you, took my keys, refused to let him in my house, lay down the law etc. This has not been beneficial in the slightest as he is a stubborn arrogant man and it has given him an excuse to have his freedom and blame his lack of responsibility on me.
It is at the end of the day though whatever suits you, you hold all the cards and have to make yourself happy first and foremost.
Good Luck Sykes, perhaps it is time he stood on his own to feet with the girls and learnt the consequences of his actions. You don't do something this drastic and have such a comfortable time in two houses x

They have visited him there but not very much. I know legally he could have them every other w/end but the elder dd, in particular, is very disturbed by contact with gf (sometimes great, well once) other time hid under his coat and she had to go home - they were having lunch. I feel they're too young to stay away, but that's probably me being overly protective/p'd off. Also, as elder dd hid from dadddy in the garden a couple of w/ends ago I think he should sort hsi relationship out with her first. HE's never asked for overnight stays and when we move a week with me, a week with him would be impossible due to schools etc.

Sorry, hadn't read the replies before I posted, will read now - had to do some WORK????

I'm the one not allowing the dds to stay over - I'd miss them horribly. On Mondays I'm out at a ballet class, Thursdays only the nanny sees him and saturdays he usually takes them out. Sundays it's wind down time and I normally go for a swim. I've put the stops on them spending much time at his house until now, although have accepted it, just about. He also wants to follow me when we move to make access easier - honourable intentions but not very realistic. Also, a mutual v good friend met his gf and thought she was vile and it wouldn't last - and he's a pretty good judge of character. Don't want the girls more upset and subjected to endless aunties. Ralise a lot of thsiis about me, by the way ../.

I have no advice to add but want to give my sympathy too, because I think it's all horrible for you

thanks, Secur, but it's hard to split the two when four-year old tells me she doesn't want to see gf - I realise it's up to h to sort it out, but I live with her and deal with her moods etc on a daily basis - therefore feel he should take my advice about treading gently. I'll work up to a night's stay over but think at the moment it's too soon. Elder dd usually joins me about 3pm - don't see how that would work. feel she's had so much to cope with that we should be sensitive to her desires. Also, as I said, he's never asked for an overnight stay as I think he does realise some of the fallout and isn't sure how to cope.

Sykes, am I right to understand that although they do spend a lot of time at your house - which you find upsetting - you also don't really want them spending time at your ex's due to his gf?

If this is the case, and you feel that the kids are too young to be with him overnight, then in a way it is the best option having him at your house. This way gf won't be involved (you can ban her) but the girls see their daddy. Over time perhaps you will feel better about them spending more time with him in his environment. Hopefully over time he will dump GF!!!

I said to him that I didn't want gf to see the girls until I was convinced it was a serious relationship - which he respected for eight months, he's a bit scared of me, and understood why I asked for that. I then said it was up to him but to be sensitive etc. I feel that hte first time - half an hour in the park was fine. But hten elder dd went bonkers after a w/end away with me (other parents - ie, couples) upset her - she misses daddy, despite the fact my friends are lovely to her - but she knows it's not her daddy. On return she hid in the garden from him and I spent about forty minutes trying to get her to hug him/talk to him. I therefore think he should address his own relationship with her before introducing another factor into an already volatile situation. However, next meeting involved gf and dd went ballistic. He tried again this w/end to go for a pizza early evening Sunday - not a good idea in my book as school etc the next day. I agree re spending time in his house. During hte week that's impossible because of school - so if they see him it has to be at home. On Saturdays it should be away from home. Sunday evenings maybe should stop? Just don't want the girls to suffer. Bugger do I sound very bitter? Exactly what I don't want to be but probably am. It's the lack of empathy and being aware that dd needs so much reassurance and yes I'm horribly jealous. Sorry.

But if she tells me she doesn't want to see gf what do I do? I currently say you must tell daddy, which she does (and the nanny). And if she's having bad dreams about the gf shouldn't I say something? I agree I'm probably too involved but as it seems h can't see the wood for the trees I am rather over-protective. And his lack of empathy has been recognised by his close friends of over 18 years. I'm aware I'm very one-sided so do ask freinds if I'm being inappropriate etc. thanks for your inputr - it really helps and glad things are going well for you.