Visits from h

[sykes]

Since my h left I've allowed unlimited access to dds (for THEIR benefit) whenever we're at home. H still has keys to the door and is in the house quite a lot - ie, Monday evenings until fairly late, Thursdays when our nanny is there, Saturday mornings unless he takes them out and Sunday evenings. Also used to be Wednesday but he stoppoed coming as it was "difficult". I want to keep the dds happy so this is why I've allowed this to happen. Do you think this is good/bad for the girls? We hope to move at some point so it will have to change - also it upsets me quite a lot - h now lives with gf. Just wondered if any thoughts? Thanks.

Hi sykes, it is very tricky this one. H still has keys to "our" house and frequently reminds me that he could move back in at any time. He pops round whenever he chooses to see the children, although by leaving the chain on the door all the time now, I have been able to make him telephone me first.
I agree with Secur that set times are best as then everyone knows where they stand but I am having great difficulty getting H to stick to the ones we have supposedly agreed on.
I always feel very unsure of the best way to proceed, the house does technically belong to both of us and he is perfectly entitled from a legal perspective to live in it and I also think that he should see the children frequently and on a regular basis.
I find it almost impossible to be in the house with him as he winds me up so badly, which is why I want him to prearrange times so that I could organise my own life.
Have you thought what would be your ideal scenario Sykes?

Bugsy, agree with you and am rather confused about advice about changing locks, doubt legally I could do it and don't really see the point. Ideally, haven't a clue. I hate not having my girls with me but love them seeing daddy and have just agreed (after a bit of p'd lunch) to go to PAris with my bf. The idea is h goes to stay with mutual friends and takes the girls - the girls know the house really well - I stay there with them a lot - a w/end means one or two nights max - what do you think?

Think you should definitely go to Paris. You will enjoy yourself and it will be good for your girls to have extended time with their Dad. It may help to crack your elder dd's reluctance to be with him.
Go for it Sykes. I've had a few nights away from my two when H has taken them to his parents or a friends and it has been great. I worry about them less and less each time.

Can I just ask you - do the girls get to see your BF??

Twinkie, it's my best friend - a GIRL.

Oh thought you had a lovely boyfriend!!

sykes, I really hope you will go. I have only ever been away for the weekend twice without ds (he went to his grandparents to whom he is very close) but it is really nice now and then, esp at stressful times. Isn't the whole point of your xh still keeping in contact with his children that he should still play the role of father wherever he lives? It sounds like a lovely plan for them to be with him in a familiar environment. If you are interested, we have various preschool illustrated books about remarriage, stepfamilies, living with just mummy, which I can recommend, and I know there are lots of US books suitable for 2-4 yr olds about divorce, shared residence, and so on.

OUP - would love to knowabout the books, also definitely going to Paris. And off to Lake Como with my sister (and the girls) and her boys for a week at end of April.

Sykes.....ditch your sister and her boys when you are in Lake Como......GEORGE CLOONEY HAS A HOUSE THERE!!!!!!! Make sure you look damn good every day...you never know!!!!!!

oh dear.....sorry.....I stopped this thread in its tracks didnt I?!!!!!!

I heard that!

hee-hee......who are you really?!!!!!

I am the mistress of disguise

read the other threads

I've got my tight pants and a pig - GC likes pigs -s so should be fine. Wish me luck.

Sorry in a rush and not got ISBN nos for you, but you can find these books by title search on Amazon. All are suitable for preschool, for reading together, with nice pictures. We like "Room for Rabbit" which is about remarriage very much. It is the sequel to "Missing Rabbit" which we have not got but is about divorce and living in two homes. "Dinosaurs Divorce: guide for changing families" is quite nice to read together although really for older children, good pictures. "Trick or Treat on Milton Street" is about Halloween but also a nice story about getting on with a stepfather. "Cinderdog and the Wicked Stepcat" is very funny, esp if you can do cowboy drawls, about stepsiblings. "When Mama Gets Home" is a lovely story about a working mother with three children. These are all American books, but I did find one 1980s British book in our local library about just living with Mummy. Unfortunately, it is quite expensive to buy these books from America, but we both love books and these are just part of ds's collection of stories now. HTH

Thanks, OUP.

If you want to change the locks, do so. I'd like to see him do anything about it. You'd paint the walls if you felt like it, wouldn't you? Bugsy, what about getting divorce proceedings rolling so you can sort out the house etc. and feel you have your own surroundings. I presume you don't feel you can just pop into his flat anytime feel like it? What's fair for him is fair for you.

I don't want to change the locks. He does respect my privacy as much as he can - think I just have to review the whys and wheres of visits.

Aloha, divorce proceedings are rolling. However, I am pursuing the path of minimal obstruction at this stage, so that I have plenty of ammunition left in case he turns awkward at any point.
H responds very badly to aggressive moves on my part, so I am ignoring as much bad behaviour as possible (courtesy of Toddler Taming) and looking forward to the day when me and the kids have our own place which he will never have a key too. It will happen, it will happen, it will happen ....... (silent mantra I chant when he is stomping around house acting like an arse).

Bugsy - don't answer if you don't want to, obviously. But is the gf involved with contact with your children. And if so how do you feel about it?

As far as I know things have been very on / off with HER laterly. She definitely hasn't meet the children. From what I gather through the odd thing H lets sleep and that mutual friends have said, she got hacked off that he hadn't properly left us, so she finished with him although they still kept in touch "as friends" (barf). However, now I have initiated divorce proceedings I think they are very much back in touch.
Don't know how I would feel about her meeting the kids. I think I would want to interview her first for suitability :0. I would worry that she would be mean to them or distract H when he should be looking after them.

sleep????? must be tired, I meant slip!