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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

On /Off relationship

31 replies

bogroll · 10/02/2014 11:06

Ive been in an on / off relationship for the last few years. Weve broken up 3 times now, the third time fairly recently. Its always him that breaks up with me and always by text, which makes me feel like shit. I dont chase him and eventually Ill hear from him again and we reconcile.
I know I need to move on from this as its caused a lot of upset in my life. But its hard as I do genuinely love him.
The times weve been together he tells me he loves me, so it always comes as a bit of a surprise when he ends it. This last time was because he said his feelings had changed, this only a week after telling me he loved me.
Im quite upset at the moment and keep going over everything in my head, constantly trying to reconcile why he does this?
Ive gone no contact for the last couple of weeks, but its hard as I feel that maybe theres something I could do to work things out with him.
I know how mad I must sound.

OP posts:

Original poster

bogroll · 10/02/2014 11:10

Sorry, I don't know why there is a question mark where there should be a comma? Makes reading it annoying I know.

OP posts:

Neeliethere · 10/02/2014 11:12

Go to a web site called Baggage Reclaim and read and read and read. You'll get there eventually. There is nothing you can do. He's a flake. He knows he can switch you on and off and he will never see you in a different way.

Move on. Well done going no contact. Get yourself a phone that you can block all his calls and all his text messages. Block him on your email account too. Then delete him on Facebook if you have him on there. If necessary let him know you don't want to hear from him. Its hard though. Bloody hard. I know. Been there, done it got the badge, the t shirt and everything.

JeanSeberg · 10/02/2014 11:13

I think no contact is the only way forward here along with keeping yourself busy with friends, family and lots of activities.

How old are you and have you had many other relationships prior to this?

Original poster

bogroll · 10/02/2014 11:18

Old enough to better, and yes I've had relationships before. Been married. I equally want him to contact and not to contact in equal measures.
I do miss him

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JeanSeberg · 10/02/2014 11:24

On a practical note, can you plan something for every night this week and next weekend to keep you occupied and reduce the temptation to get in touch? Do you have a good set of friends/family? Do you have children?

MrsBartowski · 10/02/2014 11:27

You can't put your life on hold waiting for him to feel the same though. Fair enough if he left once and it took that time apart for him to realise just how much you mean to him but to keep dumping you by text shows you exactly where you fit into his feelings IMO.

If he truly loved you he'd never treat you this way.

You've given it a fair shot but it's not going to work out so it's time to move on for your own sake.

HazleNutt · 10/02/2014 11:28

So what are his reasons for breaking up and then "discovering" that oh, he does actually love you?

Original poster

bogroll · 10/02/2014 11:29

Yes to both.
I know I won't get in touch as I have managed to go no contact in the past. It's just all the second guessing and doubts I plague myself with. Even now I'm wondering if there is something I did that contributed to break up.

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BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2014 11:29

You know you have to go NC and move on. You know that in your head. It's just a case of waiting for your heart to catch up.

In the menatime it's horrible. I feel for you.

As Jean said, try and keep busy. Block him if you can. just go one day at a time.

And the reason he does it is a. he's a knob b. he can because he knows you'll have him back. Don't play into his hands

And good luck!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/02/2014 11:31

You are giving him way more power than he deserves. It is not like he's the best you can do. If you're sleeping together he could have other partners on the go so please think of your health.

Finish with this Mr Boomerang and upgrade to a better bf.

JeanSeberg · 10/02/2014 11:34

It's just all the second guessing and doubts I plague myself with. Even now I'm wondering if there is something I did that contributed to break up

You'll drive yourself round the twist with this thinking. It's great that you've gone non-contact, now you need to start acting as though you don't care until you find yourself thinking about him less and less.

Write a list of things you are going to do to keep occupied, doesn't have to cost anything.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/02/2014 11:45

Its always him that breaks up with me and always by text

If this is how he breaks up why waste energy analysing what went wrong. Being half of a couple is not a one way process, how much time do you think he spent agonising over how he screwed up? His feelings changed, in a week? Just long enough to hook you back in I bet.

Original poster

bogroll · 10/02/2014 11:48

Second time he ended it he told me we weren't compatible and that he didn't love me. When we got back together months later he said he did, and always had loved me really.
This time he says he's not feeling things anymore. I said ok and accepted it. In the past I kind of chased him at first when he ended it, but then went no contact. This time I've gone straight to no contact.
Maybe he wasn't ending it and looking for a response? I don't know. It all seemed to be going ok up until then so a bit perplexed, but then it shouldn't surprise me given his track record.
The whole thing is draining me really. Taking up too much head space. I know in my heart it cannot work as I've given it my best shot.
But I can't just switch my feelings off.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/02/2014 12:04

He will yo-yo back and forth, the message being "try harder". Keep busy, stay out of touch. And any lame Valentine effort will be a cheap appeal to win you over.

HazleNutt · 10/02/2014 12:08

If you're not compatible then you're not - you can't change that. Unless he expects you to pretens you are someone else for the rest of your life.

Original poster

bogroll · 10/02/2014 12:48

I feel stuck. Even though it's over, I have this feeling...sadly even a hope....that he will be in touch with me again. I know it's just because things are raw at the moment that I feel this way. It's because he's been back in touch in the past that I feel this way. So it feels like a horrible limbo, whilst I am half expecting a text or email.
I really wuld like to move on properly, but something seems to hold me back.

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HazleNutt · 10/02/2014 12:51

It's totally normal. But he does not seem to be a nice man who sincerely thinks you're not compatible and are better off without each other. Sounds rather like he's playing games, expecting you to run after him and be grateful when he comes back. Can you imagine living like this for the next few decades, never knowing when he might decide that he does not love you, again?

Santaclaws · 10/02/2014 13:03

I could have written your thread. This was me, exactly the same scenario. Split about 4 times in 3 years always him doing the leaving or dumping. Although he didn't actually say the words to me until this last time, he would just leave in a temper after something I had supposedly said or done and I wouldn't hear from him for maybe a few days, once was 2 weeks the last time was 10 weeks. I also was very good at no contact as I knew eventually he would be back. I also remember that feeling of wanting to hear yet not wanting to

I had to change apparently, he wasn't happy, in the end I was walking on eggshells trying to keep him happy whilst I was deeply unhappy. Someone who really loves you and wants to make a life with you would not behave this way. I'm so much happier now he has gone, my self esteem was on the floor, I was always questioning myself, should I have said/ done this or that. Looking back now it was ridiculous

I don't think he will ever change please don't accept him back again

Original poster

bogroll · 10/02/2014 14:28

Thanks Santaclaws. Maybe you can be an inspiration for me.
At what point did you make yourself believe that enough was enough?
How long since you broke up with him?

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Santaclaws · 10/02/2014 14:55

The sad thing is I should have put a stop to it so much earlier, everybody told me how badly he was treating me. I knew it too as like you I'm old enough to know better, have been married and have had good relationships. However on some level he had a sort of control over me and it didn't matter what anyone told me I had to find my inner strength, not easy when he's convinced you over several years that you are the cause of his to-ing and fro-ing

Each time it happened though it damaged the relationship and killed a little of my love for him. The last time was after a split of about 5 months ( he had tried contacting me once or twice during that time) I allowed him to start seeing me again as I was going through a particularly bad time, for other reasons. I was vulnerable and he began saying he was still in love with me ect, he knew I had been through a tough time yet 2 weeks later he dumped me by text, saying he didn't think he wanted to do us anymore. That was the final wake up call, the fact he could do that, worm his way back in when I was so upset only to do that. I actually see him for the nasty shit he is now. NEVER again, I'm worth SO much more than that. I have a new grandchild and she is also my reason for never going back

I want her to look up to me and to be an example to her. I will not have him forming a bond with him and then he takes off. NOBODY does that to her if I can help it

Original poster

bogroll · 12/02/2014 11:33

I know I have to stay away from him, but what is eating me up at the moment is that I just kind of accepted being dumped.even wishing him well.
Part of the reason is because I didnt want him to see how much it hurt me.
Now I feel like Ive let myself down by not giving him a piece of mind at the time about how he has treated me.
Would it be a bad idea to do that now? Its been a few weeks since break up.

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HazleNutt · 12/02/2014 11:38

Bog, you know it's a bad idea.
What do you want to achieve by this? Just vent? Tell the story here or to your friends? Hurt him, make him care that he hurt you? But he knows how he treated you and doesn't care.
And knowing that kind of people - the fact that you are not running after him and making a big deal of it is eating him up way more than if you gave him a piece of your mind.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/02/2014 12:02

I wouldn't bother. Ask yourself honestly is it to read him the riot act or try and reconnect again. He's a bad habit, stay away.

Jan45 · 12/02/2014 12:10

I think you've became slightly addicted to the drama (even if you are not conscious of that) so you expect and want a reconciliation, as that's the way it's played out before.

This is not going to suddenly turn into a good relationship, there is just not enough love there for it to be, sorry.

Chyochan · 12/02/2014 12:12

For what its worth I think you should not try to tell him how much he hurt you.
For a pathetic narrcissist like him being ignored will be hurting him way more than anything you could ever say.
If you contact him now all he will hear is 'wow your sooooo great' no matter what you actually say.
I would really doubt he is capable of taking on board any critisism of his behavoiur and would just turn it around on to you.

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