A silly, rambling dilemma

[gabrielleblue]

I started a relationship with a guy about 6 months ago, casually at first but we certainly developed deep feelings for each other and said that we are in love with eachother.. Just before Christmas he had a stroke and I was at his bedside throughout, even though friends told me this was the perfect opportunity to walk away and they advised me to because of his situation. I stayed because I wanted to. He is a man who has been unemployed for a couple of years and was sinking into a depression due to his lack of employment and dire finances anyway. With the damage from the stroke (left side paralysis, but gradually getting better) he is in an even less likely position to find work. He literally has no money. I do have money, but he doesn't want to accept anything from me. He is in a very real situation of not being able to afford rent in the next few weeks and there is every chance he will be made homeless. In that case he would have no option but to return to his family (as a charity case) for shelter. This is an intelligent man who has never considered the future, having had a series of well paid jobs, but spending all his reserves during his bouts of unemployment.
The other issue is that relationship wise he is so unstable. Or at least has been until we met. Very much at a downturn in his life - which of course got even worse with his health problems. He called himself a retired player, has spent the vast amount of his time and money in various strip clubs (the only way to actually have drinks with beautiful women he said) but, and in a way I believe him, that was all it was. We started having sex about 3 weeks after meeting. We have been together every night since then and the sex has been very lovely for both of us - he says best ever for him -even since the stroke. Very prudish (he calls it gentlemanly) about anything like a sext. Won't do it, so some of me really believes the strip clubs were 'company' for him as he's never had a long term relationship. More red flags: right now I am on an extended business trip and our texts to eachother have dried up somewhat. We tend not to talk on the phone. I have just noticed many flirtatious comments on facebook between him and a woman he has recently met through a friend. He doesn't know I know about these, and I am not sure whether to make anything of it anyway. But since he is housebound, and she lives many miles away, I doubt anything is happening in real life.
So there are many reasons to walk away now, before I am even more drawn to him. This is a just a silly ramble really, but the truth is that I am in love with him, even though it makes no sense at all, and feel that I should offer my home and money to him till he recovers a little more and can get back on his own feet. However, if he is really still playing the field, even if it is just by Facebook or texting, I don't want to be taken advantage of.

No, I can see it's not a compliment, but why in the early stages of a relationship is it such a problem. My "retired player" has not been seeing anyone in the 5 months or so of our relationship, and until this week, there was no sign of any flirtatious activity on Facebook. I never made a point of finding the player tag either particularly appealing or a turnoff. Actions speak louder than words, so I suppose till this week, he wasn't actually out there playing. What I want to know is if it was that he got tired of me and this new woman is more attractive to him, or whether I am out of town for a month. He is very limited in his activities because of his stroke: can't drive, etc and has mother looking after him at the moment. I know I am painting a very unattractive and rather pathetic portrait. But, we did have a good time and enjoyed each other's company. I guess I am just rueful it had to end. I think I said earlier, the lack of money or the stroke was the not the dealbreaker, but I am finding this facebook flirting too hurtful to carry on with the relationship.
But he's actually stopped texting me - even when I sent a casual one asking about his health today - so I guess he thinks he's dumped me. Cant think why though: it's so sudden. And life is moving slower than slow for him at the moment with his limitations. I must resist the urge to send him a follow up text, mustn't I? Just not bother to contact him.

How did he make you feel about yourself?

Very nice! It was fun and light and romantic getting to know him. We live by the beach, so there was plenty of sitting out watching the sunset each night: cheap entertainment, but very pleasurable. We sat and talked for many hours before we even moved into the bedroom. And that was after around three weeks of spending lots of time together. He said - and I did believe him - that it was not about sex. He wanted and enjoyed my company. I was the one who wanted the sex! Once we did start sleeping together, it was every night, apart from when I was away on business trips. I think it was very mutually satisfying. We seemed to be incredibly compatible in bed. Some of the nicest times were afterwards, lying together entwined. I used to want to go back home to my own place though, rather than spend the whole night at his - which he preferred me to do as he liked to hold onto me.

I enjoyed - but was dismissive/sarcastic about - the compliments. He put that down to me not having dated anyone who paid me compliments. That wasn't exactly true. Even though I am recently out of a marriage, I have had quite a lot of attention during and since then. I guess its true that when you feel close to someone - and he was the one to say it first - you get in deep very quickly. Unlike the typical players though, he was very happy for me to meet his friends. There really didn't appear to be anyone else on the scene - and hadn't been for a long while. He's actually a mix of very shy and reserved underneath, but gregarious and the life and soul of the bar/party when he's out. But he was really going through some serious stress over his unemployment: he didn't think it would go on for so long and was worrying about the fact that he was not able to "take me out" let alone anything else.

So I accept that he fits into the category of player, even though some of his behaviour is more decent than that. I guess other opinions on this board would say that I am justifying his behaviour - the extent of which is only facebook flirtations and no texts to me in the last couple of days. I just can't really understand the change in or reason for his attitude and him going so quiet. Maybe my oblique reference to 'lots of flirts to lots of women' made him realise that I had seen the comments he and new woman were making to each other and he's embarrassed. Or maybe he just wants nothing more to do with me. Or maybe he's even had another stroke? Whatever it is, I don't want to contact him again in case it makes me look needy and that is the one thing he thinks I am not.

What were the compliments that you were dismissive of?

Do retired players ever really retire?

Sort of - when the offers dry up - but not really through choice in most cases. Even if it is, I don't believe they are then interested in, or capable or having, a normal committed relationship. They have learned all the wrong lessons throughout their lives.

Many years ago I had a FWB who was something of a player, unabashed. I felt so sorry for the women who got really emotionally involved with him. It never came to anything.

Bumped into him again recently, he reckons he's stopped all that, but he lived alone and had no plans to get into anything serious with anyone. He can't be bothered with a real relationship. OK, nothing wrong with that - but I doubt very much he could turn off that roving eye even if he did try. It's such a habit.

I guess I'm lucky enough not to have met a player before, and I'll try to be on the lookout for what to avoid in the future. I've deleted all his texts and thrown away the Valentines card he gave me before I left town. What stupid empty gestures. I can see why he did it - a way of life you get used to, but it's not one I want to be involved with.
I am just wondering whether to mention anything at all - like how bizarre all this behavior is - to me, anyway, when I see him next month in our small town. Or just try and ignore him. He always introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend. I guess I will just have to say we split up. Or maybe tell the truth - that he was just after me for some money and I wised up when I was out of town and saw he was pursuing someone else. As I said in earlier posts, he won't be able to pay his rent anymore anyway, so was relying on goodwill of landlady. When that gives out, he will have to move on anyway, but he has no money even to ship his belongings back to family home, and can't drive his car either. Will have to negotiate transfer of Medicaid and foodstamps too. Being poor in America is very scary and one falls down very quickly.
At some point I will appreciate I have had a lucky escape, without having invested more money in him. Hurts, rankles and occupies far too much headspace at the moment, but I am hoping that will subside.

Gabrielle, that is a very sensible post.
Don't worry about what to tell people. Just smile, chin up, and get on with your life.

Yes you are lucky. I consider myself very lucky to have gotten out of the relationship I was in that seemed so perfect and happened so quickly.

Despite that even four weeks after the split I still find myself thinking about it all and what he's doing now etc etc.
I went through similar. Had lunch with a girlfriend in the village pub a few weeks ago and the landlady asked after him and I explained we weren't seeing each other anymore. She was very sweet and said I was probably better off as she could see he wasn't up for settling down with anyone. She's known him longer than me. She also let it slip that he had been in the pub a few nights before with his previous girlfriend, probably in case I was having doubts I shouldn't wonder .

So you've removed the texts he sent you? That is good. Now remove the actual numbers. I have. I have no idea what his numbers were because they were stored with just his name and I never looked to see what the number actually was. I also tried blocking his numbers on my phone but that left them as identifiable so I unblocked them and deleted all traces. I now have no method of contacting him. He can contact me but I suspect he won't. Moved on to some other poor sucker now I suspect.

On reading other posts on here recently I realise what a lucky escape I've had. At worst he was a guy looking for a vulnerable recently divorced or separated woman with a largish house. At best he thinks he's in love but quickly decides he isn't. Either way aren't we lucky we have finely tuned bullshitometers.

I have a teenage daughter and am massively glad that I didn't let it go any further than drinks and meals out and the occasional dinner at my house. At no stage did he sleep over when my daughter was around. And actually only spent one night at the house when she had gone away for the weekend.

Well done to you though. Don't ask him to explain his bizarre behaviour. It's not bizarre to him and he won't ever be able to explain it because it's second nature and learned behaviour .

Oh neelie, I am so glad to read your post. Feeling very lonely, sad and vulnerable. I did delete all his texts, and his contact name (but not number, just in case....) but sent one last text off to him just now asking how he was and whether he was not talking to me. Stupid I know, but I'm done now. It's not decent not to reply since I have been so involved with his rehab,etc. I really will just have to put it all behind me. He's actually just texted that he's sad that we don't have anything in common, and wonders why I'm always questioning his compliments. Defies belief really. I think he's extricating himself using the player's method: make the woman think she's the one doing the walking away, so he can reappear in her life again should he want to, without being the bad guy.

Gabrielle - you've got it in one there ...he's lining you up! What a shit he truly is. Be strong - he's the crappy one flirting with other people, not you, but he doesn't have the guts to admit the trueth, either to you or himself. He's so manipulative, on the basis of these text he will probably feel justified in telling people that you finished it and not him! What a shit. You know the trueth and the people hear on MN know the trueth. Take comfort from that.

Oh yes. I got that one too. Apparently I ended it out of the blue because I said, by text "I can't sustain a relationship with someone that blows hot and cold". He turned that into "I don't want to have a relationship with you". Very clever. Even said to me "you shouldn't say things you don't mean then should you". Clever little shit - not.

I have seen right through it. And yes he did the old thing of "why do you question me, if I say I love you isn't that enough?" Er no, not in my book because actions speak louder than any words, no matter how many times those words are said. Words are cheap and saying "I love you" every five minutes is a shallow empty gesture in my book. The only people I've ever said "I love you" to are my daughter and my husband.

Today I've been feeling really pleased with myself because increasingly over time I have come to realise I had a lucky escape from what would have turned out to be a very one sided relationship with a complete chancer. His record for moving in with married, separated or divorced women with their own homes is pretty impressive. I know of three, I am sure there has been more.

A bit of me is feeling a bit of a mug if I'm being honest and another bit of me is feeling pretty smug because I got out before it got any worse.

I'm also thankful that my daughter is paramount in my life and it has served to remind me that now is not the right time to be getting heavily involved like that. She needs me to concentrate on her, not chasing after men that aren't that interested anyway.

Roll on the summer. We need some sunshine and fun!!!

Neelie and Scottish.... we've had a few very impersonal texts this evening, just me catching up on his health and seeing if he will still be staying on if rent isn't paid. Then I asked him, stupidly, if he wanted to see me when I got back, or just leave it. He replied: 'thank you for tonight. Good night'. No idea what the thank you was for and he completely avoided commenting on whether he wanted to see me or not. I know how idiotic it was to send this, but I've been good most of the day (on US time here). So a bit of a relapse, but no encouragement from him and no promise from me to help vail him out either. I'd better hope I feel stronger tomorrow and don't succumb to contact again. As long as I get there in the end, without handing money over, that's ok isn't it? I guess I can't quite believe we can go fr om talking about how deep our feelings are (which he said was unusual for him) to this virtual non contact in 10 days or so. I actually wish he would come out and say that he has been flirting with and met someone much more to his taste than me and no, I filled a role, but since I wasn't coming up with the cash, was not good enough to be genuinely liked for me. But of course if I actually read that in a text it would desperately hurt me. More so than I am now I suppose.

I really feel weird but I feel lost and confused I have been with the father of my youngest children for over 4 years and we no longer are having sex well he says that it's not on his mind but he is constantly on porn sites crazy ones like I don't understand why if he is not interested in having sex with me why is he on these porn sites all the time

Good morning Gabrielle
I have also done some of the daft stuff. Trying to find out what was wrong. Suggesting that friendship could go on etc etc. Nothing to beat yourself up about. I'm not proud of it either and get cross when I have weak days. The last one was only on Saturday of last week. Then in the end I said to myself "draw a line under this you stupid woman" and deleted everything. As each day has gone by I've gotten stronger and stronger. I've been invited to a birthday party in two weeks time which I know he will be at. I don't know whether to go or not. I probably won't. That is how strong I'm feeling. On the other hand I did have a childish moment and thought about asking a friend of mine who is a bit younger, single and bloody good looking to come along with me - but that is just being childish and will serve no purpose. Nice thought though!!

One thing that occurred to me was that his pride has made him bail out (or go cold on me) because he has nothing to offer and I'm relatively financially settled. Pride is a big thing for guys like this. It becomes bigger because their lifestyle always leaves them severely compromised in those areas. I believe there are women out there that have low enough self esteem that they latch onto the that and do a lot compensating for the partner's lack of self care and self awareness. They are the women these characters end up staying with for a bit longer. That tells me that there is nothing wrong with me (or you) but everything wrong with the women that are prepared to settle for such rubbish in a relationship.

Please try to resist the temptation to try and resurrect what was there. It won't come back. The person you fell for probably didn't really exist. It was a person we all know when we first meet someone. Once the newness wears off that person WILL NOT come back. You are just delaying the inevitable I'm afraid.

XX Well done for yesterday and even better well done for today.

Neelie
Again, thank you for bothering to post and talk about your experiences. I actually feel so much worse today, stomach full of bile and crying desperately. I understand that the person I fell in love with doesn't exist. Of course I romanticized him, but whoever he is, he is still out there flirting with another (and posting that he loves her) on a Facebook page and it hurts so ridiculously much. Other things are now going very wrong on my life too and I am tumbling into a deep depression. I feel very unstable

Naughty it might be best to start your own thread for some advice on your situation x

gabrielle I think you should reach out to friends/family in real life, love. Take care x

Oh Gabrielle
We are all here to hold your hand. Please, please stop looking at the facebook page. Can you just delete it? I know how you are feeling. But you will come out the other side of it - I promise you.

I remember someone on here saying to me that this is hurting you more because of your recent long term relationship split (married for 20 years). I left my husband in May last year and my "dalliance" arrived in my life in November of this year. Much too soon. I am much to delicate to rebound so easily. Don't go backwards please. There are, and will be, a lot of lovely men out there. I think it's just a matter of spending time alone and getting on an even keel helps us to be better judges of what comes along.

The other side of it is this. REJECTION. It is a big, nasty, bad word and an emotion that is very, very hard to get over and recover from. I think worse than just straightforward loss. So many people give us so much support when our partners pass away. But when they reject us we are told "get over it" "plenty of fish in the sea" "he wasn't worth it". All true but when you are suffering loss of someone that took up large lumps of your life, made you feel loved and cared for, made you feel secure in the knowledge that you are lovable, the rejection as well is a double wammy.

You have to be kind to yourself. Find a family member or good friend who will put up with you snivelling and feeling sorry for yourself. If it gets too bad there is no shame in speaking to your doctor. I've been on very mild anti-depressants since August last year. I don't like that but I'm sure it helps. Funny thing is that when I think about why I'm on them I say it is down to my father dying last year. Now don't get me wrong I loved my dad but he was elderly, didn't live with me and I haven't lived with him for over 40 years. But somehow its more socially acceptable to need treatment as a result of that loss than the loss of a partner of 20 years (or a dalliance of just a few weeks).

But remember it is NOT anything you have done. For weak people it is easier to move on and push worthwhile things away from them. Worthwhile people make them feel inadequate and it's the only way they can deal with it. They can't help it and neither can you. You can't fix them. They have to fix themselves and at his age I very much doubt he will. If he does end up with someone else she will be a very desparate lady with very low self esteem and a complete lack of relationship boundaries. Ask yourself is that you? Thought not!!

Thinking of you. XXX

Gabrielle he sounds like he was never Mr right for you , because he was ill, lonely and weak he let you into his life more than he normally would, and now his health is improving he no longer needs that and wants to return to his life of no responsibilities. In short he used you.

Perhaps you are finally grieving over your marriage ending and he had provided a distraction for a while to stop you grieving earlier.

That does sort of make sense. I was over my separation very quickly - mostly because it was a slow winding down of the marriage, so relief rather than drama. When I moved to a different state, I was excited to be free. Didn't miss ex at all, although pined for the loss of family life that we didn't manage to sustain. Two of our three teenagers have since jumped back to the UK to attend uni there, as the American way if life is not for them. So our family of 5 was completely blown apart, with everyone, except for husband and daughter who live together in term time (for consistency in her education) thousands of miles apart from eachother. It has obviously taken its toll. I didn't want to but expect to fall into a relationship so quickly, but I live in a beach town now and a beach casual acquaintance grew into this from last summer till now.
He's been texting today saying that I am the one who is dismissive of all his moves towards me, and says he can't imagine being attracted to anyone else (and acknowledges that's a flirt line but he means it none the less). He is sad on the days I am not in his life (I'm on the road for a month) and can't be sad at the moment on top of all his other issues. But he wants me to be a positive in his life and doesn't want me to be involved in saving him from his financial situation. Don't really know how to respond to this. Let him know I know about the Facebook woman? Say nothing? No more contact, or tentative, more casual texts from my travels? I have to say that since we have started communicating again, I do feel happier. But I'm very aware this is tantamount to the whole thing happening again. And if I'd stuck to my guns, I'd already be 3 days away from it now

Good morning Gabrielle
I read your posts and think just how familiar your feelings and experiences are. I did just what you are doing. Last year, after many years of arguing and not being a couple I told my husband I had enough. I moved out and felt, initially, elated. It then hit me about four months later what I had done.

The massive change from being the person that ran a lovely home, looked after my lovely daughter and had my dad around to care for was all gone. I wasn't seeing my daughter every day and that tore me apart.

All the grief got mixed up and I began to believe I still loved my husband and wanted to be back with him. He, by then, had moved on and wanted nothing to do with it. In retrospect thank goodness because going back would have solved nothing.

I went through terrible crisis ending up thinking my life had no point. That's when I went to the doctor. That was four months after I left.

In the end I moved back into the marital home to be with my daughter; who I believed was being neglected by her dad as he pursued his new relationship. That was the best thing I could have done. My ex moved out to be with his new love. From then it has been onwards and upwards with a bit of a backward slide with this latest, ill advised, relationship.

However, this I believe, has served me good to make me realise I have to be happy with myself before getting involved with anyone else.

On the matter of the man. Absolutely Yes you have to tell him that you know about the flirting. If he is armed with all information he can then make an informed decision on how to treat you. If he has no idea how much it has upset you, he can't respond can he? But, please, please be very wary. This sounds like an incident where he's behaved badly and wants to put the blame at your feet. A few more months down the line he does it again and can't understand why you don't just put up and shut up - you did last time.

But if you are so unsure that he will take good care of your heart, you need to think about staying away. I was clear to the guy I had a short relationship with how I felt. I think I said in words of one syllable to make it really simple for him. I was very attracted to him but didn't want a person in my life that could blow hot and cold. He chose not to respond in a way that made me feel sure of him, so I took the only route that was right for me. Looking back now I'm feeling very proud of myself that I did that. Yes, there were wobbles where I thought maybe, but in the end it made no difference. Please give yourself tiime and be very, very careful with your heart. It is yours and yours alone and only you can truly take good care of it.

Good luck my lovely. You sound like a lovely person that is going through huge changes and upheaval in your life. Take care of yourself first before even considering taking care of anyone else.

XXX