random person in my home

[fivliv]

This will probably sound hugely trivial but I am feeling horrible. My eldest DSS (22) has just crept downstairs with some random girl and let her out after bringing her home after a night out. I have a DSS (16) who is very young and not at all street wise and a DD 10 who is just a wee girl. We have always had the rules that noone is brought home here due to the home being a family home with children. My DSS is a lovely lad and I adore him but am really pissed off with him. He tried to avoid me asking what was going on and then admitted it and apologised. (not very sincerely) and has gone back to bed. I am now waiting for the girls to start asking questions. DH is at work until late afternoon and I dont know what to say to them or to DSS once he is up and about. I feel yuk knowing we were sleeping and some random person was in the house. I know this is over the top but I have chronic pain and related anxiety issues and the home is my haven really. I am now wondering if because of this I am over reacting and being ridiculous or if I am reasonable to feel so "invaded" and disrespected? He had a long spell of coming home drunk and cooking then falling asleep and us regularly being woken to the smoke alarm going off as food being grilled started to incinerate. So as not to drip feed I also have a DSS (20) who no longer lives with us as he regularly broke house rules and woke us all up coming in, being aggressive etc.
I should add I am not being prudish about the fact he has a sex life, just that I feel the family home is not the place for ONS
Thanks for reading and please put me right if you think I am being silly

Hope you've now got a relaxing home broken.

Not too concerned about DTD..( thats his private life and his choice as well as the girl he brought home) is more that someone I dont know was here when all asleep. And obviously I dont want DSD or DD to see that as the norm. He lives in the family home, doesn't rent a room from us. I am friends with him and he does talk to me about lots of things including girls. He works for my DH and earns a reasonable wage for his age. I should add I am not saying people shouldn't charge kids rent, just that we choose not to as being blended family I want the kids to feel its the same for all despite ages/earnings etc

Nothing wrong with sex
Everything wrong with treating the family home as a free B and B

I agree with
IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor

This is DSS home and whilst he should have respect for others - which it sounds like he does.
Then he should also be entitled to a private adult life.

And there are so many good reasons an adult might bring a friend home to sleep on the spur of the moment (not involving one night stands and sex).

This issue aside, you sound like a thoughtful, considerate, kind and loving stepmother. Keep on keeping on - there's no right or wrong or easy answers re parenting or step parenting as we all know! I'd just not sweat this one too much.

Your DSS's behavoiur is somewhere between the various opinions above.

The ONS should have been introduced before she left, so you could have a quick count of her tats and teeth at least. The latter should of course outnumber the former.

Then you could make plans for the wedding in front of DSS, in a really gushy and embarrassing fashion. Point out he needs someone to cook for him when he comes in pissed, to wash his socks and find his Oyster card.

Heh heh heh.

Excellent, Disgrace.
Always a good strategy to get out old photo albums with those cute paddling pool shots as well.

I could tell from his response this morning it was a random ONS. I agree nothing wrong with sex at all which ever way you as an adult want to have it (as long as consentual) however bringing someone home to the family home that noone else knows or knows will be there just feels wrong to me. Friends have always been welcome and fed, we aren't stuffy . We know his pals both male and female and had it been one of them he would hav e just said...and there wouldn't have been sneaking about and whispers this morning. More like them piling in and demanding breakfast!

Hmm. They sound very discreet, she sneaked out, they didn't wake you, they stayed in his bedroom
.. I don't think I would make an issue of it. I don't think it matters if the younger ones find out he has a girl back. It's not a big deal in my eyes.

I find it more baffling that you don't charge him rent. I think it's really important for young adults to have a sense of how much things cost and also that you have to work hard to enjoy nice things rather than have them given to you etc. I'd charge him rent but secretly save it for him for a deposit for a rental or mortgage.

I am such a slow typer...keep missing posts. that made me laughDisgrace..thanks

Fairylea...you are most probably right. I just feel they will be gone in no time and he has lived abroad for six months so he already has a hint of what its like. I also remember that age quite well and how quick it passes and you have bills etc to pay for so want him to enjoy himself with what spare cash he has. I just would appreciate him accepting the very few rules we have. I do accept what others have said though and appreciate all POV as has made me less stressed about this. I also accept I am probably being a bit childish. It isnt an excuse but I am in a lot of pain and do get myself wound up about stupid things.

Of course it's not all right for your DSS to bring random girls back for ONS! You can tell him - in front of his siblings!

And whether or not he pays rent is immaterial - it is your family home, and ONS should not be hosted in family homes IMO!

I don't think you're overreacting, I wouldn't like it if there was a random someone in the house when I woke up in the morning. I want to get up and walk about scratching my arse secure in the knowledge only my family will be seeing me. He's young and of course wants to bring people home, but that's why you move to a place of your own isn't it? I can't imagine wanting to be living with parents at the age of 22!

He may well see her again, she may be lovely and turn out to be my step daughter in law, maybe he has seen her before. I dont know the answer to any of these things BUT I dont know her at all today. He isnt at the moment ready for a steady girlfriend (I know this because we have TALKED about it) I dont mind at all you telling me I am an arse based on what info I have given you...but please dont assume that we dont talk and he doesnt tell me anything. He talks to me a lot. We gossip, we have heart to hearts etc. We just have stipulated that we dont want people brought back without our prior knowledge and dont want randoms in our home. His old pal visited a month ago, stayed here, ate everything in the fridge and we all sat and chatted together over a beer. I know his friends, I like his friends, I have a laugh with his friends. I just feel uncomfortable to have been asleep and there being a stranger in my home , where my children are, and I didnt have any knowledge.

When or if the girl becomes more than a ONS then she can meet the family, and if they think she doesn't look like an axe murderer or someone who might steal the family silver, I expect the problem will resolve itself.

If he only does this when he's had a drink it's slightly risky behaviour anyway.

What if it was a male friend you hadn't met before? Would you feel the same? I know my DC hAve spent the night in friends' houses when they've missed the last bus/ train home. And likewise I've had random people here in the morning. I don't feel my home has been invaded or defiled.

He's 22 - old enough to judge that the person he's bringing home isn't going to be an axe murderer.

Cross post with bitofkipper re axe murderer!

Good question agent....Yes I think I would but wouldnt have the concerns over the ONS situation and the kids in the home. I also know his friends as he has a solid group that have been around for years and a few newer ones but all are round here at some point or other. I also dont think its the axe murder thing that has made me uncomfy but just more that someone I dont know is in the house, dont want anyone outwith family to see me in onesie, house is a tip etc.although these are lesser worries. I would behave differently in some ways if I know there will be guests. I know it makes me sound buttoned up but I just dont want the girls seeing their big brother bringing home randoms. No matter how lovely these randoms are. I know they may choose to have ONS when they are adults but until then I really want to promote the sex in a loving relationship is best scenario.

I think you're being harsh and how on earth do you know they DTD or is anyone banned from his room?

Honestly pick your battles.

And yes it's your house, and I don't want my son to take one night stands home either but I doubt I would react like this without any proof! Even with proof I would have a gentle word.

Sex outside of relationships is ok and is part of growing up.

OP I think you are being totally reasonable. Some of the posts on here are frankly

If course it's ok (and totally normal) to not like the idea of ONS happening with your 10 yr old daughter in the house.

Is disrespectful to you and your husband as well.

Your DSS sounds like basically a good bloke who made a mistake when pissed. Talk to him (with DH) when he wakes up and make it clear that it isn't to happen again. I'm sure he will be quite embarrassed in the cold light of day!

I havent reacted to him at all. I know sex outside of relationships is ok. I am aware that it was a random ONS because of what he said earlier. I just wanted to let off steam and ask for some advice. I dont mind being told I am being daft at all but have explained that I dont ban people from the house or his room and that I think sex is part of growing up. I havent had a battle and I wont but I did feel uncomfortable about talking to him before DH is home and having someone I dont know in the house. I DO however respect the opinions that I am over reacting and not to sweat it too much..and appreciate that