random person in my home

[fivliv]

This will probably sound hugely trivial but I am feeling horrible. My eldest DSS (22) has just crept downstairs with some random girl and let her out after bringing her home after a night out. I have a DSS (16) who is very young and not at all street wise and a DD 10 who is just a wee girl. We have always had the rules that noone is brought home here due to the home being a family home with children. My DSS is a lovely lad and I adore him but am really pissed off with him. He tried to avoid me asking what was going on and then admitted it and apologised. (not very sincerely) and has gone back to bed. I am now waiting for the girls to start asking questions. DH is at work until late afternoon and I dont know what to say to them or to DSS once he is up and about. I feel yuk knowing we were sleeping and some random person was in the house. I know this is over the top but I have chronic pain and related anxiety issues and the home is my haven really. I am now wondering if because of this I am over reacting and being ridiculous or if I am reasonable to feel so "invaded" and disrespected? He had a long spell of coming home drunk and cooking then falling asleep and us regularly being woken to the smoke alarm going off as food being grilled started to incinerate. So as not to drip feed I also have a DSS (20) who no longer lives with us as he regularly broke house rules and woke us all up coming in, being aggressive etc.
I should add I am not being prudish about the fact he has a sex life, just that I feel the family home is not the place for ONS
Thanks for reading and please put me right if you think I am being silly

[fivliv]

Lottie..thank you. He really is a good lad and yes doesnt make best decisions when pissed. I am currently roasting leg of lamb he requested for dinner yesterday..so not as harsh as some might think!

[GTA5MASTER]

You wouldn't bring a random ons back (if you were single of course) so why the hell should he!
In my house the rule is 'no overnight guests without prior arrangement' there are plenty of hotels around here they can use!

[TarteAuxRiz]

You seem to be a little at mixed purposes here, because you say you don't want rent as it is his home, yet you don't allow him the freedom to treat it as his home. At 22 he is an adult, as such he should have the same freedoms as the other adults in the house. If he lived on his own he'd have who he wants back when he wants and would make as much noise as he liked about it. As it was he had someone home and was VERY quiet and discreet about it. It seems from your list as if he saw her out of the house, so no risk of her coming across your children by mistake, or pinching the family silver on. The way out. Tbh I'd have no problem with my adult children doing this...to be frank I'd MUCH rather they were dtd under my roof where I Know they are safe than out in the street somewhere!
My Stepfather was a lot like this, said one thing (it was my home) yet made it very awkward for me to live within the parameter so of all his rules and made all guests feel excruciatingly unwelcome. I'm not saying that you are as strict as he was, but by not allowing him adult freedoms you risk alienating hi m. I left home at 19 because I wanted to live as the adult I was, rather than the child he still treated me as.
Perhaps you could agree to him having any female guests he likes round as long as he deals with is as discreetly and quietly as he did this time?

[bakeroony]

He needs to be paying keep at least.

If you're not happy with "taking the money off him" then save it up and present it as a house deposit when he's finally ready to leave!

[Bitofkipper]

Years ago if a child lived with the parents they followed the house rules.
This ensured that giant adult children left home sooner. Result!

[GreenShadow]

Hhmmm, as a parent to a fairly average 21yo DS I think it is perhaps a little unrealistic not to allow him new girlfriends to sleep over. We constantly wake up to new people (male and female) having stayed the night after an evening out. It's not ideal and I wouldn't choose this, but it is his house too (when he is home from university that is).

[fivliv]

Thanks everyone. DH now home and have passed it over to him to deal with as he sees fit. DSS has been conspicuously absent today

[Walkacrossthesand]

Sympathies, OP. I have 'in-betweeny' grown-up daughters - over 18, one coming and going from Uni, one living here - and, while I appreciate that sexual mores are very different now than when I was a teenager, I'm not happy for them to have a man sleep over without me knowing about it. Partly because I don't like the idea of someone I don't know at all sleeping in my house; and partly because I don't want to encounter a stranger on the landing when I wander out to the loo. I don't think that's unreasonable - the question of 'how long should they have been seeing the chap before they sleep over here' is another vexed issue - I didn't bring a stream of men back when they were growing up, and I don't really see why I should have to feel uncomfortable in my own home!

[GreenShadow]

Um, yes, there's a difference here between a complete stranger as LaQueen suggests and a friend that the young person has maybe known for years but just never bought home.
I wouldn't be so happy with the complete stranger scenario either.

[Littletabbyocelot]

One of the very few house rules my mum had after I turned 18 was no overnight guests she hadn't met before. I had no problems with that - I don't think it was treating me like a child, or alienating me, it was about mutual respect between two adults sharing a home. In the same way that I wouldn't wander from the bathroom to the bedroom wrapped just in a towel if we have people staying at our house.

The rule was actually broken by a male friend of mine. He'd been staying in the guest room, my (now) DH and I were in my room & we'd all gone out the night before. My mum and 15 year old sister were both up before us & DH and I came down to find them awkwardly chatting with a totally strange woman. Turns out, friend had brought a ONS back and then fallen asleep half way through doing the deed, so she'd spent the night uncomfortable, embarrassed and eventually seething. She didn't know how to get home and was running late for work so my mum (who didn't drive) had ended up calling her (and paying for) a taxi. I can't say she was grateful.

Since then, I've adopted my mum's rule. We have a lodger and it was one of the house rules (along with things like no smoking inside) that we agreed on. She had no problems with it.

[fivliv]

Thank you truly to all...it helps to hear those who agree (makes me feel not so loopy and reassured) but also those disagreeing as made me less stressy about it and also gave me something to think about. I love all the kids and have been so sad to lose my other DSS that I really overthink every little thing (and big thing)

[Lottiedoubtie]

If he wants to live as a totally unrestrained adult he needs to rent a room somewhere. The OP says he earns a decent wage for his age.

Since he doesn't, and he doesn't pay rent he can afford the odd night in a cheap hotel with his ONS!

I would expect any adult living in a house with a 10 year old to not bring ONS's home. Common sense surely?

[ALittleStranger]

Bloody hell, some of the comments here have had my eyes out on stalks.

Thoroughly agree with you Op - who knows who or what she is.

ONS should have been introduced before she left, so you could have a quick count of her tats and teeth at least. The latter should of course outnumber the former.

your DSS would have had no real idea who the girl was, or what she was capable of.

Your daughters will most likely grow up and have ONSs. I hope they are not slut shamed in this way.

[ALittleStranger]

I'm also confused by the talk of "common sense" and the need to keep sex away from the family home. It is possible to have sex discreetly you know. Or are your children all traumatised by listening to the sound of your DHs grunting away?

[bakeroony]

Are you saying that one night stands are appropriate within a family home, ALittleStranger? I'm all for DC learning that sex should be a natural and enjoyable act but to me, there's something unsavoury about one night stands being an example to them. One night stands come with a whole host of complications they are too young to understand - so I'd rather they appreciated first that sex should ideally happen within a steady relationship until they are old enough to understand the risks.

And I thought the "teeth and tats" comment was funny I slagged off DB's current girlfriend when I saw her legging it to a taxi the day after their ONS in our parents' house. She hadn't introduced herself so I felt like I could be equally rude.

Think she's forgiven me since, and she's certainly a lot less rude now!

[AmberLeaf]

I don't want my girls thinking ONS are the way to go

The above comment and those that you have made in a similar vein, make me think this is totally about your attitude to sex.

This isn't about respect and boundaries, you don't want rent from him, so you clearly are relaxed about him being responsible. The fact that you cook for him and leave food packages out sounds like you are infantalising him. Thats why knowing he is having sex [and under your roof] bothers you so much.

You are over reacting. This is your issue, he is doing nothing wrong.

[AmberLeaf]

Are you saying that one night stands are appropriate within a family home

Where should they take place then?

[bakeroony]

In a hotel or in his own place!

As someone said upthread, if he's not paying rent or keep, then he can afford one night elsewhere to shag a randomer.

[ALittleStranger]

I think it's perfectly possible to teach children that sex should be natural and enjoyable, that it is wise for them to learn the ropes and have sex only in a committed relationship, but that ONS also exist, yes.

If the issue is just protecting the younger siblings from it then the DSS can be discreet. Which it sounds like he was... Although one person's discretion seems to be another person's "rudeness".

[bakeroony]

I think it is rude, even removing the sex aspect. I wouldn't expect anyone, whether it was DH or DC, to bring anyone home, without introducing them to me first.

[bakeroony]

That goes for general visitors as well as one night stands, obviously!

[Lottiedoubtie]

This isn't about slut shaming. There is no suggestion that the woman is more at fault than the man.

[bakeroony]

I feel really sorry for any girl who gets taken back to a family's home - how embarrassing for her!