Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

[Damnhot72]

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

Well I actually feel better now I've made a decision. I knew I would be called controlling , but I think I'm doing the right thing leaving taking control of my own life and letting him live his life how he wants to, he may find someone who is willing to pit up with it but it's not be x

Not me I mean

It's not controlling to end a relationship.

I think it's controlling to want to change someone who is happy the way they are.

So the OP isn't being controlling by ending it.

i would hate this!!! my dh friends ask him to go away with them too and if he did and would leave me here with my 7 month old ds i wouldn't have it, especially as mens friends are womanisers and bad influences . x

I think OP is right to end the relationship as she and the man are clearly not suited to one another.
In a general way, though, the 'cool girlfriend' role is actually a good one to aim for. It means you don't spend all your time and energy on trying to acquire, maintain and police a couple-relationship because you have a life of your own. The OP does seem to have backed herself into the position of being the one who sits at home wringing her hands and whining because she has no interests other than The Relationship, and that's not healthy.

Oh I do have my own friends that I go out with be it shopping lunch dinner sometimes and I drink wow! I have hobbys my own business,studying for more as well, my own house, 2 lovely children that I do lots of things with even take them away on my own sometimes. I don't go out alot in the evening because I have my children most of the time, but I can assure you I'm not the little miss no friends sitting at home doing nothing. I just don't like my man going away with other unfaithful womanisers that's all.

Good for you, Damn

"cool gf's" just get trodden all over, IMO

"Cool gf" is not about having a life of your own IMO. It is about precisely the opposite, modern equivalent of stepford wife. Cool gf is all about trying not to be bothered about being treated badly because a woman's role is to never challenge their male partner and to quietly and smilingly put up with however they are treated and worse than that to act like they enjoy it.

And I wish you'd think through the logic of the statement "cool gf is something to aim for" because that phrase expresses pretty precisely that the woman is expected to adjust her boundaries in order to accommodate the man. What's wrong with just finding someone who shares your values and respects your boundaries? Why do women have to aim to be any kind of gf?

Huh yes offred and any fucker and I have done that role before for years believe me, I promised myself NEVER again!!

I'd find someone that old still going on 'lads weekends' a pathetic saddo so never would have got to relationship stage with such a person.

Indeed. I entirely reserve the right to be "cool" about what I'm actually cool about and really fucked off about what I'm really fucked off about and the implication that it you aren't cool with your partner being involved with womanisers and objectifiers it's because you have no life is really offensive.

expat, I swear you and I are "relationship twins"

AF

I doubt I have a 'relationship twin' !!

I don't do it to be a 'cool gf', I don't think it's sad or pathetic for men to go away together.

I don't think my dh is a pathetic saddo.

I think it's because I really enjoy going out drinking (and I don't been getting plastered) with my female friends.
So I don't understand why its such a crime for men to do it.

I am clearly in a totally different place to most others on this thread. But I find that puzzling.

It's really just about compatability and happiness. It works fine for some couples and for others it wouldn't. Repeat, it's not about control, it's finding compatability. Good for you OP for realising that.

You can judge a lot about someone from the company they keep.

Your BF's going away for weekends with his friends every three months or so - no big deal. wouldn't bother me in the slightest. His going away with men in their mid-40s who prioritise getting drunk and womanising - very big problem. Obviously your BF sees nothing wrong in their behaviour or he wouldn't be going to such lengths to maintain the friendships. And if he sees nothing wrong with it...

I have male friends who go away for weekends. They've all managed to gravitate towards other male friends who share similar standards of behaviour and have long ceased extending invitations to those who think it's funny to urinate in pub courtyards, judge wet T-shirt competitions or indulge in a bit of NSA infidelity. Strangely enough, they still drink and have fun, just in a more grown up way that displays a bit of integrity. Maybe that's why they're all still in happy relationships while the men who no longer got invited are not.

Sometimes we continue friendships well past their sell-by date. Ease, familiarity, scared of being "billy no mates" - all these play a part, and often unthinkingly. It's a good idea to do a bit of weeding from time to time though.

You don't have any right to tell your BF what to do. You do have every right to form an opinion, express it, and decide whether your differing views are compatible, however.

Why do women have to aim to be any kind of gf?

Amen to that.

I suppose it is two things that bother me about it. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who felt they needed to be in an exclusively male environment where women were not allowed or where they wouldn't be comfortable if women were invited (same with groups of "girls"). That's the thin end of the sexist wedge because it demonstrates prejudice against people who happen to be female (or male and I've been infuriated with the "girls" stuff equally). The thick end being where this guy seems to be - feeling the need to be in an all male group where they are only comfortable if women are there to be used as sex toys. Nothing to do with trust re infidelity for me, everything to do with trust re respect for women as people.

(The other is the actual supporting of objectifying/misogyny)

Fundamentally I don't think someone who understands people primarily as people rather than as men and women would need to go on lads/girls holidays. If they are doing that I'd judge that they primarily saw people as men and women and I'd not necessarily trust them to not be a misogynist/misandrist. Not qualities I feel comfortable with in friends nevermind lovers.

I don't see myself as misogynist or misandrist. I don't understand your logic. I like spending time with women. And men. And men and women.

You don't think anyone would need to go on a lads/girsl holiday?

You don't understand why a group of female friends would want to spend time together.

What about PN Groups? Who meet for a coffee and support eachother through crying non sleeping babies.

Presumably they are totally anti-feminist aswell.

Do you not have any female friends? Not ones that you meet in a group?

I do. I go to all sorts of different groups. Of one sex or both sexes.
I don't believe that I fit your description of " necessarily trust them to not be a misogynist/misandrist."

I disagree with offred.

OP, I think you made the right call for compatibility reasons. I'm concerned about you expecting him to spend money on you. Did he expect you to spend your money on him. Does he owe you a lot of money?

Oblomov I can definitely see your perspective and I think it's unfair that some on here are painting the OP's bf (ex?) as a bad/sub-par person for going on these nights. I don't think it's any worse than any other hobby, unless it's impacting on things like caring for DC etc.

Personally it wouldn't be my thing but there's nothing wrong at all with doing it (obviously "womanising" etc or irresponsible drinking is different, but that aside) - it just means that person is perhaps more suited to a partner who either likes doing this kind of thing themselves (and hence they can come to an arrangement/agreement about equal "time off") or likes their space away from their DP regularly.