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Relationships

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Original poster

Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

130 replies

Damnhot72 · 08/02/2014 10:34

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:03

Then I think its a shame to let this ruin it. Happened to a friend whose dp had a hobby that took him here there and everywhere She couldn't cope as her ex cheated. So she left someone lovely as she couldn't get her head round it. He was devastated for ages but then met someone else really as they were lovely together. Talk to him :)

Oblomov · 08/02/2014 16:04

You need counselling. To get over the hurt of previous relationships. Else you won't be able to trust, so this will keep on happening, in one form or another.

BOFtastic · 08/02/2014 16:08

I'm with Offred and others: I don't think you sound remotely controlling, but simply incompatible, and it's absolutely fine to find this behaviour immature and not for you. I just wouldn't be interested in a man with such a laddish outlook. Also, you say that you think it's inevitable to progress in the relationship, but I doubt at his age he has the same plans- it's perfectly cushy the way things are, from his point of view. It's really important to be on the same page, especially as you have your children to think of.

He isn't a child, and you aren't treating your relationship like a lollipop you are about to snatch away, as I think Noddy sees it: you are an adult woman with responsibilities, and you have every right to decide what is acceptable to you going forward.

Offred · 08/02/2014 16:08

How predictable to call someone insecure when they have a problem with misogyny(!)

specialsubject · 08/02/2014 16:11

usual questions:

what do you get out of this relationship?
do you enjoy his company? Find him interesting?
does he enjoy yours? Find you interesting?
where do you want this to go? Does he want the same?

you don't see much of him, you say. Is this just friends with benefits?

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:12

Thats not how I see it at all. Don't let the past ruin your future

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:16

How is it misogyny?

rainbowsmiles · 08/02/2014 16:21

But noddy she isn't ruining anything. She has an expectation which isn't being met. Your friend was not happy with her relationship because she didn't want to come second to her boyfriend's hobbies.

Men act differently when they are all out in the lads drinking environment and pretending that excessive amounts of alcohol doesn't impair your decision making process is just silly.

I've seen plenty of nice fellars turn into morons when they are pissed. I'm not going to pretend that I or my dh are any different.

Maybe she does have trust issues. But trust is not an automatic. It is built over time. You don't just hand your trust over to someone especially if they are not acting in a particularly trustworthy fashion.

This is NOT you being a hysterical female. You are simply defining what you consider acceptable within a committed relationship.

The idea that you have to put up with behaviour you aren't happy with just to keep a man is the route to unhappiness.

Offred · 08/02/2014 16:22

Read my previous posts.

BOFtastic · 08/02/2014 16:23

I also disagree that you need counselling. It's perfectly normal to feel pissed off and disappointed that you have been treated badly in past relationships. If you were projecting your fears and insecurity onto a man who seemed to prioritise you and showed no indication that he was likely to cheat, then yes, that would be an issue. As it is, you sound like you are simply exercising sensible caution, as this man does appear to be fond of socialising with shaggers on regular boozy lads' trips. The company he keeps and his general attitude are ringing alarm bells for you, and that's fair enough- there's nothing pathological about it.

What do they say about the definition of stupidity? It's something like doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

If you want a relationship in the future, I think you need to start fishing in a less murky pond. There are plenty of men who would be happy to treat you well and prefer going places with you than with a bunch of overgrown boys on an 18-30 weekend in Ayia Napa.

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:25

His hobbies took him away and she thought he may cheat as out of sight and all that. She has regretted it ever since. I think the OP has said things in her past have made her feel this way. If he stopped going away she is happy with him in other ways and would want it to continue or maybe I have read it wrong. I think this could arise again its a trust issue I think borne out of something that happened previously.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 08/02/2014 16:26

I wouldn't be comfortable with this in a partner and that's fine - he's totally entitled to do it, of course, but it doesn't sound like it would be a good idea to be together long term.

DH goes away with friends once a year or so, but they're all super geeks so they go to a "LAN" - they all take their computers and spend 3 days playing computer games in a giant hall with tournaments and stuff. They do drink and one or two of them are always looking to get laid, sure, but they're all mid twenties - fairly standard I think. And I've been to several get togethers and they're nice people, not twats and not at all "laddish".

I think it would be quite different for me if the weekend was totally centred around drinking and sex rather than being about seeing friends and having a good time with the drinking being a secondary part really.

I don't know. I just - I know it sounds shallow but I think that sometimes something that seems like it's a little detail is actually your gut instinct trying to tell you something. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable, yet this is who he is, that's a little part of his personality that makes you feel uncomfortable. Which isn't really a good sign.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/02/2014 16:27

I agree with you OP, I too don't like this laddish behaviour and chose a man who wasn't interested in this lifestyle.
I don't think you have any issues tbh, it just sounds like incompatibility to me.
It is a shame when you both end up wanting different things, but better to end it now than when you are both married or living together.

Offred · 08/02/2014 16:28

His hobby is taking part in or spectating whilst other people use and abuse women? That's a hobby is it?

Doasbedoneby · 08/02/2014 16:30

Or the men could be 'womanising' with women who are just as keen.

They're not necessarily being 'used and abused'

Original poster

Damnhot72 · 08/02/2014 16:31

Yes noddy but he's 45 surely it's not too much to expect him to tone it down and let me trust him, going out in the evening I'm fine with. I want someone mature who will commit to me and my kids and his own for that matter

OP posts:

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:31

Offred I am talking about my friend not the OP I was replying to rainbow my friend had a really good relationship but couldn't cope with his hobby which took him away as her ex had cheated and it stayed with her and ruined this relationship. Of course the OP and his trips aren't a hobby! I personally wouldn't be interested in someone who was laddish but if it was something he was caught up in due to being single and part of a big group I do think it may change. They don't live together so he may not even know this is an issue.

Offred · 08/02/2014 16:34

If the women are agreeing on an individual basis that is a different thing to going on a lads holiday trying to notch up as much access to as many women's bodies as possible. Women are now aping this by trying to similarly abuse men on girls holidays but it is still using.

Offred · 08/02/2014 16:35

I know, I'm making the point that you are comparing a situation which is not comparable noddy.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 16:38

I wouldn't give the time of day to a man in his 40s so immature he still goes on benders with 'the lads' like a teenager.

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:39

I think they are similar. The past negatively influencing the future. The OP would stay with him if he stopped the trips she is not unhappy with who he is just this aspect. My friend's partner was doing a sport thing and she was still consumed with the fact that he may cheat and it destroyed that and subsequent relationships.

Offred · 08/02/2014 16:42

With one fundamental difference - objecting to your partner having a hobby is quite unreasonable whereas objecting to your partner taking part in a misogynistic lads culture is not.

ChippingInWadesIn · 08/02/2014 16:42

So confused

rainbowsmiles · 08/02/2014 16:45

Noddy they have been together a year and he is 45?!?! Its no the first few months.

And your friend finished with hobby guy because he was not putting her first. If she has experience of a partner cheating while away for weekends then its probably not a good idea for the next relationship to be with someone who goes away a lot. Would drive you insane. Your friend made the right decision because their individual needs were not compatible with their joint needs.

She regrets her split because she didn't experience the inevitable misery of their relationship breakdown.

noddyholder · 08/02/2014 16:46

But offred the OP didn't come on here to say that. If she objected and considered him a misogynist it wouldn't have lasted a year. She likes this guy and just wants him to tone down his trips away. I personally wouldn't want to be with anyone who was into that but I didn't think that was her issue. If I met someone like that I would run a mile but the OP didn't and has been with him a year

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