Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

[Damnhot72]

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

Two things.

Is it too much to expect of men in general, ie, are they all like this, is it impossible to find a man who doesn't do this - NO. Not all men in their 20s act like this let alone in their 40s. It's not too much to expect in general. You don't have to put up with it because he's good in other ways.

Second question, is it too much to expect HIM to change and settle down - yes, IMO it is. This is his hobby, what he likes to do, his life, his personality. I think that you need to respect that, respect your differences and say "Thanks, but no thanks".

The problem is that he might well stop and say that he wants to spend time with you over these lads' trips, but then when the next one comes up, he's going to feel like he's missing out. He'll see the photos on facebook or hear the in-jokes and feel sad/nostalgic about it. When he's feeling particularly crummy about it and/or annoyed with you for some other reason it's going to come up as resentment. "I gave this up for you". He might even feel that because he's made a sacrifice for you, you should make some kind of sacrifice for him. That's not a way to have a happy relationship!

If he wasn't into the lads' weekends any more then he would have stopped of his own accord.

But also, I'm sorry, I do have some sympathy for the OP. If the OP feels a bit vulnerable with the amount of trips that he goes on, perhaps because of past problems/infidelity, simply perhaps he is not the boy for her. To seek a resolution or the end of the relationship is not controlling, it's just trying to find a balance that works for her. Life is too short.

Not all men do these kind of activities regularly, my fella might have a trip away once every two years, a night out with his mates 2 or 3 times a year. I am the same. I personally could not accept a 'lads' type of man, as I do not want us to live that kind of life. Luckily we're on a par with that but it must be hard in the OP's position. Hugs.

I thought OP said he went I weekends to watch football and drink beer.
I didn't see any mention of prostitutes!, lap dancing clubs or ONS's
I didn't see it as abuse of women.

And someone mentioned getting pissed, I Didnt read that either.

You can go and watch football and gave a few drinks without getting pissed and abusing women.
My dh manages it.

I'm sorry, I haven't read through the whole thread but thought I'd share my experience.

I was cheated on with an ex partner and that coloured my outlook on life ever since.

In the early days with my then boyfriend, I was very insecure and feared it would happen to me again. It wasn't that I didn't trust my husband as such, I didn't trust that the relationship, and me, was enough for him.

I trusted him with my feeling and shared my thoughts. He was so understanding and just wanted to reassure me and work through it. I'm sure if he'd posted on here about the situation then as if it was happening now, he'd be mostly advised to LTB!

Luckily for us, he thought I was worth persevering with. We put in the effort to make our relationship the strongest it could be so that I could feel more secure and didn't feel so vulnerable so with time, not only was our relationship fun and fabulous but I also felt secure.

Of course I do still worry I might not be enough and it'll all fall apart but it's a nightmare, not a real fear, if you know what I mean. I'm so glad my husband helped me to work through the scars of my past and didn't give up on me. We couldn't be happier now and we have the strongest relationship of anyone I know.

In short, there are 4 ways to deal will jealousy and insecurity:

1. Try to ignore it and suffer
2. Try to control your partner
3. Try to become more secure and not be controlling
4. LTB

"Its all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol" ?!?!?!

Look OP, despite some people trying to paint you as controlling for not being impressed by a bloke in his 40's who still acts like a "lad", this is your choice

If you want someone more grown up in your's and your kid's life, I applaud you. You don't have to force yourself to overlook something that doesn't chime with you for the sake of being in a relationship

just tell him "so long, nice knowing you" and move on

Well dh is on a lad's weekend (lasting 4 days) as we speak, it's something he has always done. He went to an all boys boarding school and sometimes I think that's part of it, they do just like to be in the company of the same blokes they lived with from 13-18. I don't especially like it, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, he usually brings me back a nice present and enjoys his wife and children much more when he has just spent 72 hours with some stinky blokes. I don't worry about infidelity tbh I don't think groups of steaming drunk men are that appealing to women. If he wanted to be unfaithful surely he'd take a woman out alone rather than pack hunt.

Something I read which made a lot of sense to me was, basically, you don't make someone more committed by keeping them so close that they can't breathe (or words to that affect). 'Not allowing' your DP to have time away from you will not make him less likely to do the things you fear; if he is that way inclined then he will be able to create opportunities to cheat/see the lads/whatever but it will mean he will start lying to you in the process.

If you have no reason to distrust your DH/P then you have to appreciate that this is your issue and work towards accepting that most people need time to do things outside of the relationship including weekends away and nights out with the lads. Have you read Co-dependency No More? I am not saying you are necessarily CD but it may help you understand why you feel the way you do.

Urgh at the cool wives trying to justify vile laddish behaviour. How can you justify your dh's friends cheating on their wives/partners so casually? Horrible and I am glad I am not so insecure that I feel I need to lose my own morals to appeal to the "lads".

LOL at 50 year old men going on lads jaunts to vegas-how pathetic.

I think it's a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship because of your insecurity if you have no reason not to trust him.

Can you put your hand on your heart and say with 100% conviction that you know he won't cheat? If not then you need to ask yourself if this is something he has said or done or if it is really all you.

My DP goes away with friends sometimes and it would never occur to me that he would cheat. I know for a fact that he will miss me, think of me, send me photos and messages and enjoy his time away in an entirely appropriate way.

Fwiw, I'm far from a 'cool GF', I'll often joke about him not talking to other women when he goes out or rib him about new female FB friends, so he knows I have a jealous streak, but it's just out of love and he's the same to me. It's just a healthy awareness of the other persons attractiveness to the opposite sex!

Do you ever get the chance to go away together? I think I'd find weekends away with the boys harder to bear if I didn't also get holidays with him. I know I am a priority when it comes to him spending his holiday time and budget, so any time he goes without me is ok, because he has saved up 'credit' with me, so to speak. If your DP doesn't go way with you then I think his priorities are a bit off for a man in a relationship.

But you can argue it isn't a good relationship if there is a fundamental incompatibility of outlook.

It seems on the face of it that The op wants someone mature and settled. The bloke wants to go on lads nights out.

Nothing wrong with either pov, but they are just not compatible.

Only the op can decide if she wants to discuss or negotiate a solution, come to a compromise or if the incompatibility is just too great to overlook.

But "it's a shame to throw away a relationship because..." is the reason that people settle, and stay in relationships where they aren't happy or feel insecure. A relationship shouldn't make you feel insecure, it should make you feel safe. I know that some people have insecurity issues of their own, but I don't think in this case that the OP sounds OVERLY insecure. She has said she doesn't have a problem with him going to football and other sports etc, it's just these weekends which she finds difficult.

And, that's fine. That's her. Your DH does something similar, and you don't find it difficult at all. That's fine too. There are enough people in the world that everyone deserves to be with someone they are happy with! I find it frustrating that often it's touted that there is a "right" or "wrong" way to have a relationship - apart from abuse of course, that's just not the case and what one person might see as "clingy" another might see as "reassuring". Again what one person sees as being aloof/distant, another finds very welcome breathing space. Ad finitum.

Your not controlling but will leave him if these trips carry on ...
These 2 statements just conflicting.

No it's not

Zip, that is too simplistic

Your statement only works if you feel that OP has no agency of her own

If her P insists on behaving like a young single man then it is entirely her choice and shows a maturity way beyond his

entirely her choice to walk away I meant, sorry

No-one knows that their partner will be 100% faithful. You might choose to believe it but you cant be 100%.

Alcohol impaired judgement plus opportunity can lead to regret. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't trust but its madness to believe you know with 100% certainty what someone's actions will be when you aren't around and alcohol is in the mix.

You can but trust they will do the right thing. If you he is 45 and prioritising nights out with the boys and weekend benders with the boys I think any trust in him would be misplaced.

And I know quite a few women who are with cheats and the cheats insist and prioritise boys nights and weekends over family time. And when I say cheats I just mean opportunist shaggers. I'm trying to think of one of these groups that aren't made up of opportunistic shaggers and I can't. That's not to say all the men aren't all shaggers but they are all in on the game.

Well it's been great to read other peoples perspective on this, a real mix and it's helped. I know I'm not controlling but I also know what I find acceptable and not acceptable. It seems that in this group most of the women don't particularly like it but accept it, I know some moan and some simply say your not going. My dp has made it clear how he feels about this certain person saying this.

I have spoke to him about it, I think really from what he says he understands how I feel and indeed would feel similar to me if I was doing these trips in simular circumstances but he doesn't think it would be a major issue for him (not sure I believe that) . We talked about it he was rubbing my back as I explained maybe I did feel a tad insecure, but he also made it clear they wouldn't be stopping and they will most likely be doing it when they're in their 60s . He said he doesn't deny he has spoken to females but has said he has never been unfaithful to anyone and even when single didn't very often pull as far as he was concerned he was there to watch football catch up with the lads have a dance drink and go home to sleep.

I don't feel any better IMO it's a real issue for me I don't want a lad I want a man! It was only a week ago his brother said casually did you get the text about Barcelona in May a week trip? Someone's pre stag trip or something, his wife has said he can't go because their baby is due and what is she supposed to do if it comes, at first he was like oh I could get back etc. but then thought better of it. I just couldn't live like that I'm not likely to be having another baby but for me this isn't going to work and I've thought about it all weekend and read your comments. IMO there other issues which include money, he earns quite a bit which allows him to go on these trips but he never really spends any of this money on me, I always pay for myself, which I don't mind but I think eventually this would just cause resentment so I have decided not to invest anymore of my time into this relationship,I just have to decide how and when to tell him.

So one of his mates wants to bugger off on one of these jaunts right when his baby is due. And he reckons they will still be doing it in their 60s. you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.
And he doesnt think it would be an issue for him if you went on a similar trip I smell BUULSHIT.

As for deciding how to tell him you could tell him that yr values and opinions on these issues are too different and its just not going to work.

Thanks dark, well that was his brother! My soon to be ex hasn't been invited to that one as doesn't know the guy very well apparently, but no doubt would of gone if he did. It was the uncomfortable feeling I had when it was mentioned that kicked off how I feel. The next one is in march so he will be able to enjoy as a single guy won't he !

I'm delighted to hear that you've decided to end it OP. Some men are far more invested in their friends than in their bird. He would be a crap bf whoever he was with. If he was 15 it would be dismal enough, but he's apparently 40fucking5. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to be involved with a bunch of immature tits.

I don't want a lad I want a man

Amen to that.

For what its worth I think you've made the right choice. It's just one of those things. You are hoping to find a partner and he's looking for a girl friend. Nothing wrong with either just mismatched expectations. And I get what you mean about the money too.

I know if I were to start out on dating again I could not be bothered with having to battle with these things or have to justify why I felt a certain way. If he doesn't get it by now then he isn't going to.

Best of luck.

I'm totally by the idea that it is "controlling" to end a relationship.

How can that ever be so?

Nobody owes anyone else a relationship. Leaving a relationship because you are not happy is not controlling the person you are leaving. If you wanted to control them, you'd stay and try to force them to change.

I'm also getting quite concerned about the way "controlling" is used as a way to criticise women for having any kind of misgivings about the way her partner acts.

Whereas for a man to be controlling they are usually actually using their power/wealth/emotional abuse to force another person into acting in ways they wouldn't ordinarily choose.

I think you have made the right decision for you, love

Yes, Join, when women exercise choice it is labelled as "controlling"

that's a new one on me