Does anyone else finds people staying over at their house extremely draining?

[nerofiend]

We got a new house in 2012 and since then we've had a string of visitors nearly non stop.

In theory, I like the idea of inviting people over and opening my house to family and friends. But I have to say that I'm finding the reality of it extremely infuriating and draining, to the point, that I'm nearly left with the feeling that I don't want this people in my house anymore.

It all starts really well but after a couple of days, I've had enough. The last friend I had over stayed for two weeks, and said so many irritating things every day, I don't want to hear from her again.

The same happens with DH's family. I have to add that we haven't stayed in these people's houses once so far.

I'm so upset, but also disappointed in myself for not being more easy going about it. I don't want to become a hermit.

Yes, we have sat or walked through every single tourists attraction a thousand times too.

Last summer I just dropped people off and sat in the car or a café and waited for them. I worked out it was costing us a fortune paying for our own tickets to see the same stuff 5-6 times a summer.

I am really going to put my foot down this year. I always wanted to be the warm, welcoming generous host, but as people have said up thread, it might be a holiday for other people, but it is your lifel so you are still trying to do nursery, work, grocery shopping etc.

I like it, but only for a couple of days or so. Any more is exhausting and I wouldn't dream of plonking myself down (even at my own parents) for more than about a week without a break.

And I get the hump with people who are always happy to stay overnight at mine but never reciprocate with the offer of a bed when I go to visit them.

When we lived in Cyprus (for just over a year) we had my parents visit 3 times for a month at a time, PILs once for 3 weeks, SIL twice for 2 weeks, DSD and her mate for a month (which coincided with SIL so we had 4 adults, 3 teens and a 4 year old for 2 weeks in a 3 bed house at the height of summer)

Since we've been back we've only had DSD for a few weekends and my parents twice for a week each time. We've been back for 5 years.

Yep, it's wasn't us they wanted to see.

I like having people to stay! We are staying with SIL et al for 10 days over Easter & they are staying with us for a fortnight in the summer... Currently got two of DP's uni friends in the spare room. I like people & I'm not particularly 'hostessy', it is take us as you find us.

Yes, our mistake is that we definitely go 'overboard' with the hosting.

Dh and I always say "well this time, we will keep it simple, they can get their own breakfasts, then just soup for lunch and we will only cook properly once a day". And then somehow we find ourselves cooking endlessly and rushing around attending to everyone's whims ... it just always happens.

It does so depend on the guest though.

I have one set of friends who stay once a year. They come for 2 or 3 nights only. They somehow fit in to the rhythm of the household. They bring food and wine. They cook. We only usually have to cook one or two meals which we enjoy doing in the circumstances. They are out most of the time. They take my dd out. I look forward to them coming every time!

Another set of guests (close family unfortunately) arrive and they are always "exhausted" or "ill". They go to bed late and get up at wierd times. They basically hand over their dc for us to entertain all day and sit back. They never bring presents. They never do any shopping or offer to take us out. It wouldn't occur to them to offer to take dd out. They stay for days and days. Last time they had bad colds and hadn't even bought themselves tissues or any basic cough medicine - they just sneezed everywhere. I had to go to the chemist for them in the end. They let their young dc pack their own bags and don't check them so they never bring enough/appropriate clothing (and guess who has to go out and buy that too - it was underwear and leggings last time). Sigh.

What annoys me most though is that the dh of the family (my relation) always says "you mustn't go to any trouble - don't go to great lengths to entertain the dc" but what he doesn't realise is that the one time I tried that, they were asking me to fetch stuff down from the roof to make camps and begging for me to make up bubble mix within 5 mins of arrival, while I was trying to cook lunch for nine people, and it ended up being easier to plan stuff in advance frankly. I do want their dc to have a good time while they are here - it is not their fault their parents are clueless!

I hate people staying at my house , I don't even like visitors in some circumstances and depending who they are. I used to be such a hospitable person too. But then my adult SS lived with DH and I for six years so some of the things mentioned on here such as : not being able to walk round bra-less, or run downstairs in a towel or your underwear to make yourself a drink , or rarely be able to cuddle up with your DP/DH on the settee or be able to leave your things lying around without worrying about them being used or lost or broken by someone else etc etc.etc. the list is endless. Well that was my life for six years , which is why I am so possessive of my home and my privacy these days , because my saturation point/tethers end was reached long ago.

I don't mind one or two nights. But then I'm really ready for them to leave. I love my own space.

It's weird but I hate visitors helping me in the kitchen.

And I don't like staying at other people's houses. Sleep is so precious and there is nothing as comfy as your own bed.

I have a large extended family some live far and some near, when the far family come they just turn up, they the inform near family they are here who also turn up. I order takeaways then get told I'm inhospitable! We're on a budget, catering for 13 grown adults at the drop of a hat is not possible.
If I go to work there's moaning, if I have plans there's hell on. Yet when I go to visit its takeaways r us and sorry can't change plans.
I have now developed a back bone. I've told them if I have no notice they have NO food. I've told the near family that there is no need for them to stay when far family come as we can meet at a local cafe for breakfast.
They're all nicer to me and seem to have more respect for me than they did previously.
And my friend suggested that febreze become my best friend. Turfing the kids out of their rooms is one thing but she suggested rather than changing the bed clothes I should just febreze them. Haven't tried this but what do you think?

When I first met dh and had pil to stay I went really overboard with the hosting, cooked breakfast, buffet lunch dinner with wine. Then I noticed we got meagre portions of very basic food when we went there, and cheap merge and value bread.
So I slowly slacked off and went more basic and they certainly noticed and didn't want to come as much.

Our big problem is that mil is a teacher so they want to come EVERY school holiday which is very wearing.

I've said no to half term as I will work two days and dh most of it, we have about two days just us and the kids and don't want to spend it making small talk and sitting around the house drinking endless tea and obsessing over mealtimes.

I can't even stand people calling in for a cup of tea, never mind a weekend or longer!

oh yes, thankfully most people only visit us for a long weekend and not longer. the longest we had fil for 4 weeks in the summer, but it was ok, he's great company.
with my parents I can only have them a couple of days, they are hard work, fussy and criticise my housekeeping/parenting/you name it every minute they are here. after 2 days one of is snaps and we end up shouting at each other.

Yes, having just hosted MIL for far too long, we are all relishing having the house back to ourselves! She has a long history of overstaying her welcome, never lifting a finger and sniffing at all meals provided (which must be cooked from scratch).

We live reasonably close to a popular airport and when we first moved in had a succession of extended 'family' that had never bothered coming to see us before suddenly wanting to stay and then leave their cars cluttering up our driveway for 2 weeks whilst they went away. When I suggested that we might actually want to use the drive for our own parking & for the DC to play/ride bikes etc, there was a cats bum face at the thought of parking on the quiet country road. Oh then wanting to get a 'lift' to and from the airport at ungodly hours of the day and night so they didn't have to pay for a taxi...

How long did you have her for Mme?
I would not contemplate staying with anyone for longer than 3 days, and wouldn't want anyone with me for longer than that.

She was here for 10 long days. I know it doesn't sound that long but believe me, it felt like months. She was supposed to go home last Tuesday but couldn't because of the tube strike, then the train line into Cornwall fell into the sea, then we couldn't get out of the village due to flooding. Finally managed to arrange combo journey of bus, train, bus and friend to collect and drive her home yesterday morning!

I was starting to fear she would become a permanent fixture again as she moved in after DD was born to 'help' with childcare when I went back to work. DH and I have agreed this was not our finest hour and both of us gave admitted to wanting to back in a time machine and give ourselves a good shake for allowing that to happen in the first place.

PMSL at MMeMorrible 'cats bum face'

ExDH parents were a nightmare just 'dropping in' they'd call and say 'we're not far away just thought we'd pop in as we're coming past'. No plans to stay overnight THANK GOD but it meant a frantic dash round tidying up then an even more manic dash to the nearest supermarket to buy extra milk, stuff for lunch/dinner etc etc which was a nightmare living in a rural location as the nearest supermarket was an 18 mile round trip.

New DP mum came to stay with us for the day on Christmas Day and I had major stress looking after her and DSD not being sure of their traditions / routine, but she was lovely and kept asking if she could help I said 'no - thanks but I really am fine, you just relax and enjoy the day' (and meant it) and I'm sure she would have helped if I was in a flap as she seems quite practical so wouldn't mind, also complimenting me on the food, decorations, table decorations.

Own family would probably drive me nuts after around 2-3 days...

TWO WEEKS?!?! absolutely no way!

Ten days.
Sheesh!!!

On spontaneous guests - MIL,SIL,BIL and 2 of their adult children 'popped in' for a 'quick' visit. Apparently DP knew, he had just failed to tell me.

I offered drinks and cake, which they accepted. After they had left my DC asked if they could have cake. DP had left the cake to MIL to cut and she had left out my DC (they are 6,8,10). Anyone else think that's just rude and very strange?

sanschocolat - yes, what is it with the 'exhausted' thing? I have a friend who comes to stay who says that - how nice it is for her and her DD to visit me because she is so exhausted and I will 'look after her'.

She lives with a partner who doesn't work and I'm a single parent to a child with SN. Her partner is admittedly a bit of a waste of space but he does do most of the childcare and the cooking. Whereas I never get a break. Which is okay really but I don't have much energy for 'looking after' a perfectly capable adult!

I dunno OddFodd To be fair, the male half of the partnership works extremely hard as a lecturer in a busy London University so is understandably tired (but my dh works longer hours). His partner is a SAHM. Don't understand it really. I don't mind them coming for a rest/change of scene but it's the complete abandonment of parental responsibilities that I object to and absolutely no offers of help.

You sound far too nice a friend!

I don't think so but it's kind of you to say so. Funnily enough, my friend is also a lecturer. Maybe that's what academia does to you

Quite possibly OddFod

sorry - OddFodd

I hate it too but it thought I was me getting crotchety. I hate it when they turn up tired exhausted expecting us to look after them, as if we've got nothing else to do but see to them. I get irritated when they dribble on the toilet mat or don't clean the toilet after using it. Helping out means hindering you and putting things in the wrong places. My dh has has an operation on his foot and can't walk for til it heals and in laws want to help us out, perhaps I'm mean but I know it will be more work, putting right the mess they make putting up with endless talking, eating their attempts at their favourite recipes and then having clean the fallout of the kitchen, monopolising the tv remote and our favourite seats.

We moved out of a 4 bed house to a 3 bed and instead of people having their bedroom and one for the kids they now have to bunk up together in one room as we've made the other an office and we've had some friends getting quite indignant cause they've got to put up with having their kids in with them and complaining that we've only got a shower and not a bath and "isn't it great that we get to know their kids by spending time with them" ie them handing them over to us and taking no responsibility for them cause "they're are so tired and stressed and need a break".

I've stayed with people who sent us out of the house for breakfast cause they were too stressed organising a party for the next day, another lot made me get up and out the house at 7am when they went to work and wouldn't give me a key to their house and expected me to hang about til they came back at night. Or a couple who didn't put their heating on and my teeth ended up chattering and my legs got numb with the cold at night.
Oh. and I stayed with an old college friend and her dh and they had a party and I found out that they were into wife swapping - I got out of it quick!!