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Original poster

Uncomfortable about new P's history

72 replies

LJayJay · 06/02/2014 11:45

Advice please - my new P has had a very promiscuous past and although I trust him totally, for some reason I feel down when I hear him talk about previous liaisons, whether they were one-offs, or longer relationships. Why do I feel this jealous, if thats what it is, about a person's activities at a time when I didn't know him? I find myself hating the idea he had these liaisons at all, and yet its nothing to do with me and essentially none of my business. I too had previous partners, although the number is vastly different, and I'm sure he doesn't think about them in the slightest. I'm not concerned about any of these people making a reappearance in his life. Just want to get control of the way this all makes me feel. Help?

OP posts:
Funnyfoot · 06/02/2014 11:51

Keep repeating to yourself that you both had lives before you met.

You are stressing about something you have no control over and cannot change. If you choose to let his past consume you then your relationship is doomed to fail. Look forward and plan on making new memories and sharing new experiences with him/ Leave his past where it belongs.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 11:54

for some reason I feel down when I hear him talk about previous liaisons, whether they were one-offs, or longer relationships.

Maybe the reason is that it's really tacky and weird for him to be talking about them all the time?

Why is he telling you all of this stuff? What point is he trying to make about himself?

If your boyfriend makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should not keep him as your boyfriend.

JustSpeakSense · 06/02/2014 11:56

He couldn't have enjoyed his promiscuous past THAT much, as he has now chosen to leave it all behind and be in a settled and loving relationship with you! and I am sure he's MUCH happier and fulfilled now Wink

purplemurple1 · 06/02/2014 11:58

Why os he talking about them - I'm sure it would be easier for you to leave the past in past as it were if it wasn't brought up in conversation.

MrsSquirrel · 06/02/2014 11:58

What Playfellows said.

Why is he telling you all of this stuff? As you say, it's nothing to do with you.

Have you told him that you are uncomfortable when he talks about past partners? Is he trying to make you unhappy/jealous/insecure?

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:03

Thanks Funnyfoot, thats how I view it with my sane head on. There is an incredible amount of good stuff to be had with the relationship and I only ever feel this way for a few days after one of these incidents thats brought up something from the past. Then my balance restores. I do feel I need to make new memories with him, to push away the sense of being on a well-trodden path. We have already done that a lot and will do more, much more. I just need to shake off the sense of being one of many and of the presence of the ghosts I feel around me sometimes, especially when in his neck of the woods.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 12:08

I just need to shake off the sense of being one of many and of the presence of the ghosts I feel around me sometimes,

Why would you want to be in a relationship where you feel like that?

Even if he had slept with 1000 people before you, you should still feel special and not just the latest in the series.

Sometimes jealousy is telling us something important.

Why are there "incidents" that make you feel so crap?

Why are you planning to ignore your feelings and push them down rather than heed them and respect how you feel?

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:08

Hi Playfellows, no he doesn't bring it up with any purpose other than illustrating a related tale of some kind. I am sure its not to make me uncomfortable. And its not every time we talk, far from it. He's emotionally quite switched on. And JustSS, you're right, he's said his past didn't make him happy and he's found something much more deep now, with me, so I should just quit whimpering and enjoy it, I know. I guess in my self-destruct mode I look for theoretical problems, instead of enjoying reality.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 12:14

he doesn't bring it up with any purpose other than illustrating a related tale of some kind.

How do you know?

That's how most people who are playing the jealousy game manage it.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/02/2014 12:18

From my experience the guys with the promiscuous pasts who find methods of talking about it in order to "illustrate a related tale" are usually talking utter bollocks and trying to make out they are much more experienced than they really are!!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 12:21

:o

Yes, Writer, that's my experience too.

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:24

I do feel special, very much so. I've never had a relationship where I felt so right with someone. Its not his problem I feel jealous of his past, which is bonkers for a number of reasons, its my problem. He doesn't obsess about people I had in my life before him, so I should stop doing so too. I can't own his past. Its his past, not mine. I should celebrate the fact we are together now, when his mind is now in the right place to be the kind of partner he's never been before, and that I've always wanted>
.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 12:25

Absoulutely Writer....
The less vocal ones on this level....often have more to reveal I have found....

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 12:26

He doesn't obsess about people I had in my life before him

How often do you feel the needs to use them to illustrate various tales?

BuzzardBird · 06/02/2014 12:32

I would feel the same as Writer I would also ask him to STFU about his past...it is deliberate, he knows he is doing it.

If it were true I would want to see a clear STI result.

His fantasizing gloating would put me off him TBH

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:32

I know what you mean re. experience and bragging and so on, but I've had confirmation of the history from people who've got no reason to lie about it - they're just happy he's found someone to be happy with. He admits to being a tart, playing the field, never fully engaging with most of them, having plenty of fwb's, treating women like a game and so on. Not the type I would have gone near, myself, but life throws weird stuff our way sometimes and opportunities for reassessment, which is what happened with him. I wish I could switch off this button in my head that makes me feel rotten when the occasional story about a past conquest comes up.

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 06/02/2014 12:32

Have you told him that you are uncomfortable when he talks about past partners? If you tell him you don't like it, then if he is a decent bloke, he will stop doing it.

In a way, you are right that it's not his problem if you are jealous. OTOH if he cares about you, he won't want to keep doing something that makes you unhappy.

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:33

True, I don't ever talk about past conquests of mine. Perhaps I should!

OP posts:
Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:37

Mrs S, you are right, if I told him it made me uncomfortable he would stop. I should take ownership of the problem. The only reason I've wanted to appear not bothered is because he's described in the past that previous gf's have been jealous and bitchy and he sees me as different, thats its one of the many positive things about me. His previous gf's for e.g. would have balked at him spending time with other female friends which I don't, even if some of them were once sexual partners. I don't view any of them as a threat. So I'm trying to be perfect gf, in other words.

OP posts:
Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:39

Maybe I should leave up the facebook message I've just had from a guy who's a friend of a friend and has said he thinks I'm sexy...

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 12:41

He sounds totally immature Hmm
How do you know his Exes were 'jealous and bitchy'
Why are you so worried if you come across like that?
Because....it's how he has made you feel.

Only1scoop · 06/02/2014 12:43

Stop trying to be his "perfect girlfriend"
He sounds somewhat less than perfect.

newbieman1978 · 06/02/2014 12:44

I'm a man and before I met my wife I had alot of fun and company of a good amount of lovely women. One of whome I had a long term relationship with and a child.

Today I am happily married to the woman I was waiting to find and will spend the rest of my life with.

When my wife and I met we talked and talked about all of our life to date, we are open and honest people. To not know about each others past would be to hide things. My wife doesn't worry about what I've done in the past and I don't worry about what she has done.
Though a little twinge of jealousy never did any harm, reminds you of the deep love you feel IMHO.

Sometimes it is natural that during a conversation you will mention a time you did something ie. "when I was in America" (there with an ex). The other woman isn't pertinent to the story and I wouldn't mention it but my wife may quip "which bird was that with" It's our little joke.

It works both ways, my wife has a terrible memory and will often ask if I remember "being here before" to which I joke no darling I think that was the artist previously know as Prince. Our little joke again.

In your mind you will know whether your other half is bringing things up to try and be a "bloke" or whether it is just stories which happened to include an ex that come up naturally in a conversation.

It would be very sad if we could never share a tale or experience just because an ex was involved.

MrsSquirrel · 06/02/2014 12:44

Fair enough LJJ, but you are bothered. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

QueenQueenie · 06/02/2014 12:45

He's playing you op. He doesn't sound half as lovely as you want to believe he is. he is telling you what sort f person he is and telling you how you have to behave (being 'cool' ) and is saying misogynistic and unpleasant things about women he was involved with before you (jealous and bitchy). He's telling you to STFU about your feelings, or that if you behave like a jealous / bitchy girlfriend don't be surprised when he's unfaithful...
Have you been in any abusive relationships before? Do you think you have good radar for decent blokes / an alarm system for twats?