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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uncomfortable about new P's history

72 replies

LJayJay · 06/02/2014 11:45

Advice please - my new P has had a very promiscuous past and although I trust him totally, for some reason I feel down when I hear him talk about previous liaisons, whether they were one-offs, or longer relationships. Why do I feel this jealous, if thats what it is, about a person's activities at a time when I didn't know him? I find myself hating the idea he had these liaisons at all, and yet its nothing to do with me and essentially none of my business. I too had previous partners, although the number is vastly different, and I'm sure he doesn't think about them in the slightest. I'm not concerned about any of these people making a reappearance in his life. Just want to get control of the way this all makes me feel. Help?

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 06/02/2014 12:45

he's described in the past that previous gf's have been jealous and bitchy? He sounds lovely, just like a player and a misogynist.

So I'm trying to be a perfect gf oh dear, good luck with that. :(

BuzzardBird · 06/02/2014 12:47

Cross posted there with Queenie

MrsSquirrel · 06/02/2014 12:54

That may well be true newbieman, but as you say your wife doesn't worry about what you have done in the past. Nothing wrong with that. The OP is saying that her P talking about this stuff makes her uncomfortable. Why would you want to repeated do something that makes your partner feel uncomfortable or unhappy?

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:58

Newbie, I like your approach and agree with your last sentence. Also, I agree with Mrs S - I am bothered. I think as long as the mentions re. ex conquests are in a context I can be happy isn't designed to make me feel grateful I've even got the man, then I should treat them as a tale from the past recounted, but one that doesn't have any meaning in the present.i'm a bit torn, i guess, between not wanting to appear to be a needy gf who can't cope with the fact he's had other women, and taking the lead in saying "oi, give it a rest".

OP posts:
Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 12:59

Mrs S - thats my fault, I've never let on it makes me feel that way.

OP posts:
QueenQueenie · 06/02/2014 13:03

But why haven't you let on op? Don't you want a relationship in which your feelings can be expressed and listened to, where your worries and anxieties are taken seriously? I suspect he has subtly made you aware that telling him you feel about this = being a jealous / bitchy / unreasonable girlfriend.
The more you write the less I like the sound of him. So tell him exactly how you feel, tell him what you've told us and see what happens...

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 13:03

Nope, Queenie, not been in an abusive relationship that I'm aware of. I hope I would have been. 2 long term relationships, 1 with kids, plenty of bf's in education days, and some dates post split with last l/t partner. Then this new relationship now. Maybe I'm just too damned nice. I need to grow me a pair.

OP posts:
Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 13:05

Queenie, I will. Yes I do want a relationship where my feelings are valid and as important as his. Time for a talk...

OP posts:
QueenQueenie · 06/02/2014 13:06

Well then maybe the issue isn't that you've experienced abusive behaviour previously which has skewed you boundaries but rather that you have no experience of manipulative etc behaviour... and don't have any alarm bells where you should. The bottom line is that at the moment this relationship is making you feel insecure and anxious, he is making you feel insecure and anxious. If it's early days it should be FUN!

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 13:11

I think feeling insecure and anxious is a permanent feature of my psyche, tbh. Anyone know any good books I can read on that subject?....

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 06/02/2014 13:23

You sound lovely Op but wow he's got you right where he wants you hasn't he?
He gets to bang on and on about all these different women he's shagged, you on the other hand have to shut the fuck up and be the 'perfect girlfriend' whilst sitting there feeling miserable.
Why doesn't he STFU about his conquests?
He's slated his exes and has shown little regard for women on many fronts but now he is a changed man? Hmm

MrsSquirrel · 06/02/2014 13:35

Tell him how you feel LJJ. As you say, you want a relationship where my feelings are valid and as important as his. See how he responds.

If he listens to you and stops mentioning his previous partners, he is a decent bloke who cares about your feelings.

If tells you to stop being so uptight and/or carries on mentioning them as he has been, then he will be proving Queenie and BuzzardBird right, I'm afraid Sad

Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 13:52

Thanks SirRay, appreciate the compliment. I should say he doesn't bring the exes up frequently, but everyone's comments here today have made me realise I need to be more ballsy if I feel we're not in the territory that newbie describes. In his defence, he is open about the fact he hadn't treated people well in the past. Many of the conquests were openly promiscuous too, so it wasn't all one way.

OP posts:
Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 13:54

Mrs S, that is my plan. This very afternoon. If Queenie and BB are right, I will be very disappointed. No, devasted. I think I will feel much better for having the chat. As for his being a changed man, I am happy thats the case - when something as monumental happened as did to him, it resets anyone's wonky priorities.

OP posts:
Original poster
LJayJay · 06/02/2014 14:01

Thanks to you all, mucho aprpeciation for all comments. x

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 06/02/2014 14:14

"In his defence, he is open about the fact he hadn't treated people well in the past."

I would not be so pleased about this. He is telling you who he is. He is preparing you. When he behaves like an utter shit to you, you cant really complain, he had told you, and after all you knew what he was like. I would see this as a red flag, not a sign that he is a changed man!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 14:18

treating women like a game

Sounds like he's still playing. Hmm

The only reason I've wanted to appear not bothered is because he's described in the past that previous gf's have been jealous and bitchy and he sees me as different, thats its one of the many positive things about me. His previous gf's for e.g. would have balked at him spending time with other female friends which I don't, even if some of them were once sexual partners. I don't view any of them as a threat. So I'm trying to be perfect gf, in other words.

Sorry, but that is a MASSIVE red flag.

He has deliberately set you up to be the "cool" girlfriend who isn't like all the other crazy bitches he was with in the past.

You feel special not because he values you more or loves you more but because he tells you that you are superior to other women because you are not "jealous and bitchy" like them.

Except, he's bitch and you're jealous.

And it's no fucking accident either.

This is a relationship where you are being played and the prize dangled before your eyes is that you can be the girl to finally catch the player Hmm

But in order to do that you have to squash down your own feelings and tell yourself that you are unreasonable and jealous but that you mustn't feel those things NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER WOMEN.

Stop competing with these women in your head.

That's what he wants.

I'd bet money that you're not the first whose heard all these lines about how you are different and cool and would never expect him to treat you nicely.

QueenQueenie · 06/02/2014 14:30

Exactly. What do you think he said to all these previous women? I'm a promiscuous shagger who treats women appallingly... or, oooh, you're so different to all those other jealous bitches, so cool, so special....

AskBasil · 06/02/2014 14:31

2 red flags

Whingeing about ex girlfriends and comparing you to them, establishing that you are not allowed to ever complain about anything they complained about

He hasn't treated others well in the past.

What does he say about not treating others well? What were his reasons? What did he learn? Why didn't he treat them well?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 14:35

Maybe your feeling that you are the latest one of many is not you being a silly, jealous laydee, but is in fact you reading the situation for what it is.

Neeliethere · 06/02/2014 15:40

I am reading this thread with incredulous dismay. I have just extricated myself from a relatively short relationship for exactly the same feelings. This could have been me writing this a few weeks ago. Yes he was a player and has a pretty colourful past. Yes, he did keep telling me how I was different from all the jealous women in his past. And yes he did talk about previous women a lot, but he always said it was in the context of some story or other. He's a player, get rid. He will make you feel it is your fault that what he does or says makes you feel uncomfortable. The reason you are feeling uncomfortable is not about what he has done in the past, but how he is placing you in his life and the part he wants you to play in his silly ego stroking games.

RED FLAGS!!! all over the shop.

Jump now. It took me just four weeks to realise, but another couple to completely extricate myself as even then he tried to convince me I had a problem with jealousy. Guess who he's with now? Yup you guessed it, another female friend he often talked about and the very person I felt he was talking about too much. Our guts tell us stuff for a reason. Nine times out of ten they are right. Even now, four weeks after the dumping, he tries to be 'friends'. Yeah right. Chuck him back in the sea.

flamby · 06/02/2014 15:44

"He admits to being a tart, playing the field, never fully engaging with most of them, having plenty of fwb's, treating women like a game and so on."

Maybe the thing making you nervous isn't so much the promiscuity but rather that he has admitted to being manipulative and treating people badly and that creates the uncertainty that he could be doing the same to you. Do you feel like you have shared values when it comes to relationships and sex? How does he talk about women in general?

FWIW, a good friend of my DH has a very promiscuous past and has done a lot of things which would be huge red flags (not so much the promiscuity - more things that are manipulative/pick up artist-y/not respectful of the women he has been with IMO). However, I also know that he is pretty embarrassed about it and he is now an absolutely fantastic boyfriend and a very kind person. I would happily set him up with a friend or relative.

Anyway, I think what I am trying to say is that I do think there are red flags about a person who has acted poorly towards previous partners (whether casual or otherwise). I also think that, in the case of my friend for example, people can grow up and realise they were behaving badly. But his behaviour and the way he talks about and treats people (especially women) are big clues, as are your instincts.

It is totally reasonable to have boundaries and expectations and it doesn't make you a "jealous bitch". You don't have to perform for him or be perfect for him. He isn't perfect, clearly!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/02/2014 15:50

The reason you are feeling uncomfortable is not about what he has done in the past, but how he is placing you in his life and the part he wants you to play in his silly ego stroking games.

Spot on, Neelie.

Quinteszilla · 06/02/2014 15:54

Well said Neelie.

And flamby you are right. Being promiscuous really only means having had lots of sexual experiences with a variety of people. The game play, and the manipulation is a different ball game that I personally would object to more than actual number of sexual partners.

rainbowsmiles · 06/02/2014 16:00

He is a new boyfriend. You are in the getting to know you stage so there is a lot you don't know about him. You don't trust him fully yet. It is normal to feel like that. Take your time. Take care of your heart. He has told you that he can be manipulative and unkind. Watch his behaviour and listen to your inner voice. And just take your time. Enjoy what you have and if he makes you feel bad then finish it because there will be another nice guy who won't make you feel insecure and jealous and won't have had a promiscuous past and maybe that is the guy you need and not this fellar.