Uncomfortable about new P's history

[LJayJay]

Advice please - my new P has had a very promiscuous past and although I trust him totally, for some reason I feel down when I hear him talk about previous liaisons, whether they were one-offs, or longer relationships. Why do I feel this jealous, if thats what it is, about a person's activities at a time when I didn't know him? I find myself hating the idea he had these liaisons at all, and yet its nothing to do with me and essentially none of my business. I too had previous partners, although the number is vastly different, and I'm sure he doesn't think about them in the slightest. I'm not concerned about any of these people making a reappearance in his life. Just want to get control of the way this all makes me feel. Help?

For the record, I don't talk about previous conquests to my wife. However I won't not talk about an experience just because an ex happened to be part of it.

Also I think it's about knowing when to mention something and knowing when keep quiet. For instance if my wife came home and said she'd booked a night in a hotel I'd previously stayed at with an ex, I wouldn't tell her about, that would be heartless. No I'd just go and enjoy "our" experience.

I dont think I could be with someone who delighted in saying how promiscuous he had been. Leopard, spots and all that stuff.

I don't think I would trust a person who has been very promiscuous in the past. he sounds a bit of a pain tbh. Going on about all his past relationships.

My husband had many, many partners before me. I was warned off him by both male and female friends. Yes, it was disconcerting at the time, but I was sure what we had was of a different sort to what had gone before.

We're been together 14 years this week and his fidelity has never been at issue. You're either right together or you're not, and I suspect your niggles may come from a sixth sense you're ignoring. You should be absolutely confident in him at this stage. If not, I reckon it's because you're picking up on elements of his behaviour that aren't registering on a conscious level.

Go with your gut.

So many wise women on this thread.

This is exactly how my exp was when we first met. How i wish i'd known about mn then. Ever word written by those posters who have warned you to watch your heart and that this is a massive red flag are so very right.

My exp turned out to be a classic narcissist. One of the big signs is low self esteem and huge ego. Your p is showing both of these in what he says.

Narc are the worse sort of partner as they make you feel great to begin with and then gradually wear you down untill your dancing to their tune on everything! They are clever and manipulative and oh so lovable. And they can be any age, mine was in his 50's. I was in my early 40's when i met him and thought i had enough worldly experience to handle any one - but a narcissist is something else.

Please take care. Stand your ground from the early days. Be true to your feelings.

No one else has said it but I will.

RUN. He's telling you what he's really like and you are ignoring it.

At best you and him don't have the same values and at worse he is manipulating you, defining the rules so that you can't be jealous about his behaviour.

I really don't like the sound of him and your instincts are warning you,please listen.

The 'you're different' line rings huge alarm bells. It's grooming language, used by manipulators of all types. And as previous posters have said, it sets you up to bust a gut to stay different, to be the perfect girlfriend.

Almost without realising it, you're already trying to be nonchalant about his past, keep silent about your own, and feeling upset - yet hiding it.

Good luck with your talk, LJayJay. Good for you for choosing to speak up about how you feel.

Never ever try to be a "perfect girlfriend"

Best case: you can't keep up the pretence anyway

Worst case : you get targeted by a manipulator who uses your insecurity to tie you in knots

Look love, this guy is telling you what he is. He is a player and a user. He doesn't think much of women other than a decoration and a plaything. He is setting you up on a pedestal to be the "one that changed him". When that doesn't happen, you will fall with a fucking almighty crash

you have been warned

What everyone else has said.

You are being played like a violin!

I thought it as soon as I read your first post.

It would be the slagging off previous girlfriends that would bother me; all this stuff about they were jealous bitches that didn't understand him, and it wasn't until he met you he understood the redeeming power of love etc etc. What, all of them? Did he go out carrying a bitch magnet or something?

Are you sure he doesn't want you to be the 'cool girlfriend' who doesn't object to whatever he does, because you are not like 'them'?

My God, you're tolerating this crap in a new relationship!?

You're being groomed to be the Cool Girlfriend, so that when he turns out to be an utter shit, he can say, "Look, I told you that I was like this when we first started going out." And you can either put up and shut up to prove that you're Not Like The Other Girls, or thrown onto the pile of jealous, bitchy exes.

You need this arsewipe out of your life and BaggageReclaim.com pronto

OP, are you listening, or are you too busy polishing your "cool girlfriend" badge ?

During my 20s I used to be sleep around, I dont even know how many people I've slept with. My MO was to date/ONS, fwb and move on once it gets boring.
Then one year stop responding to FWBs, quit my job to start on my own. I didnt have time or interest to date, just got a bit bored of it all and wanted to concentrate on my future. After a year on not dating at all, I went on a few dates and eventually met my wife. That period on my own changed me and i think it's important.

If a man or woman has a promiscuous past, then there has to be a BIG GAP between the time they where playing the field and the time they meet you.
Failure to that then most likely they will continue cheating.

OP your boyfriend sounds like a player
"you are a cool girl, you are different, You are a beautiful girl but there is so much to you" is the stuff I used to say to fwbs just to shut them up.

Most men I personally know who where players, are still sleeping around behind their partners' back.

A chequered past is one thing but the slagging of exgfs is the worrying thing here. Many years ago I had a dp whose closeness to exes alarmed and confused me. Till I became the ex and he still wanted to sleep with me, though in new relationships. then and only then did I appreciate why it had always alarmed me!
On the other hand, people can change and grow up. Watch yourself.

I so wish this thread had been started back a few weeks ago. I wouldn't have wasted 6 precious weeks of my life !!! Won't get them back will I !!!

I wonder if OP has decided to ignore us and is, indeed, polishing up her perfect girlfriend badge??

No you won't get them back Neelie but you can be proud of yourself that it was only 6 weeks and look at it that you invested 6 weeks into learning about yourself to prevent it happening again in the future.

I lost a ear to my knobhead manipulating shit of a P..

Doh! That should read "year" not "ear" :-)

Hmm. Not sure which is worse, a whole your of your life... or an ear

Why do new partners do that, talk about their past sex lives? Are they boasting or trying to show you how much of a stud they are?
I don't ever divulge that information because it's private and totally irrelevant to the relationship I'm in now. I don't even talk about how many partners I've had and nor do I want to know how many they've had. I just think it's weird. No wonder you are feeling jealous op what with your partner reminding you that your not his first :-/

Agree, GTA5