Stringfellows lapdance - what happens?

[Hedgehead]

My DH and I are good friends with my friend and her DH. Our DHs are going on a 'stag do' for another of their friends and this guy is a 'regular' at Stringfellows in Covent Garden, and he wants to take all the DHs there.

I am against strip clubs and do not want my DH to go, so is my friend and does not want her DH to go. My DH is saying he wants to go to be with the other men but will not get a lapdance and that he thinks it's all a bit cheesy/weird. My friend's DH is telling her things like "the dances are not naked" and they "don't even touch you/come near you, just dance in front of you."

Has anyone had the non privilege of seeing one of these dances? Are they actually erotic?

Would your husband mind you going to see/participate in the Dream Boys or something similar, op? My DH wouldn't bat an eyelid tbh. Why is it different?

It's different because, when my friends and I went to see male dancers strippers for my hen do last year, we all had a drink, laughed hilariously and were not in the slightest bit aroused. All of the dancing was choreographed to loud cheesy music like 'It's Raining Men' for god sake. Naked women gyrating on poles or on men's laps, whether it be somewhere 'clean' like Stringfellows or a seedy club, definitely arouses the viewer.

The simple fact is that I don't want my husband being aroused by random women in a strip club any more than I would want him to be aroused by another woman in a bar. And if that bothers him he can sod off and find himself someone else that will tolerate it

It's not necessarily about arousal for me, although my bf participating in sexual acts/behaviour with other people when he's meant to be in an exclusive relationship with me would be hurtful whether it was a lapdance or a girl in a bar sitting on his knee.

I don't think the lapdance, which may be less arousing is better because the girl in the bar is a more natural, more equal, more human (and less abusive) behaviour. Paying a girl to dance naked for you is paying her to degrade herself sexually. I'd never be able to forgive that.

I'm not sure strip clubs are particularly sexually arousing either. I just don't think it is really about being sexually aroused by the dancers. The main issues for me would be that by going he was supporting an industry which damages women in a number of ways (and therefore relationships and society) and that if he didn't agree, hadn't realised that or it wasn't important enough to him then I'd not trust him or want to be with him.

I dislike the "oh but it is hard to say no to your mates" too because I'd feel uncomfortable if my bf had mates who bought into this industry and it's ideals and I'd have no respect for him if he didn't, couldn't or wouldn't express a different view he was telling me he had. I'd have to believe he wasn't a strong enough person or he was not compatible with me.

The whole culture of purchasing/using women based on their body parts disgusts me, everything from purchasing women drinks/dinner through "pull a pig" to purchasing the services of a prostitute.

Paying anyone who chooses to offer sexual services isn't degrading them, it's degrading the person who pays. The key word there is 'chooses'.

My partner has been to one twice without telling me, I found out. Was pretty devastated to be honest. It was a fully nude one. :(
I'm not sure ill ever get over it or the fact that he went without even discussing it with me first to find out how I would feel.
I don't think I should have another mans dick inches from my face and vice versa

These are grown men you know with freedom of choice.
Its not for us to allow or forbid such things.
My DP isn't particularly interested in that kind of thing but if he wanted to go to Stringfellows or wherever, even though I don't like the idea of it, I wouldn't forbid him. I would tell him my opinion then he can do what he likes.
He's a free man, I don't own him.

I don't understand why any female would feel comfortable with their dh going to a strip club and paying a young girl £50 to gyrate their shaved bare vagina in their dh face. And that is exactly what happens in these places.
Any man who thinks such behaviour is acceptable both in treating women this way and totally disrespecting his wife is not a man I can see any woman choosing to be with.

I don't think people freely choose to offer sexual services in return for money. It is largely women and young boys who trade access to their bodies for money. If it was about choice and not money then more men would do it.

And of course I'd not forbid a partner from doing anything. I'd not bother. Objectification of women is a dealbreaker in a relationship with me no matter the level of involvement in it.

I don't agree it's degrading the person who pays either. I think that demonstrates a placing of value on money rather than bodily autonomy.

Has op ever come back?

Op - how do you feel now. Is it all resolved.?

Well I used to work for a strip club (not a dancer) and you were NOT allowed to touch. Even when I was very drunk and paid for a lap dance on my birthday I was told very sternly to keep my hands behind my back.

They do get naked, sort of wave their fanny/breasts in your face then after 3 mins it's done.

Not great. The stag dos consisted of the stag being whipped/forced to bark like a dog in front of everyone, with his mates pissing themselves and taking videos.

Hi - I know strip clubs cause a bit of a debate on here and I agree with the objectification arguments.

If my DH is going on a stag do and the whole party are going via a strip club and DH goes with them but doesn't have a lapdance, then it is quite a leap to LTB for him even being associated with men who by their very actions are objectifying women.

It's a tricky one. I'm a people pleaser as much as my DH is. I would go along somewhere I didn't want to go to keep my friends happy. I would not enjoy it, but if it was their birthday/special occasion I would see it as honouring my friendship with them.

My friend has banned her DH from going, so he has pulled out of the whole stag. I am still on the fence. My DH has told me it's up to me.

Whats LTB?

And good on your DH for taking your views into consideration. Why doesn't he just catch up with the stags before or after the strip club if it bothers you.

It's up to you to set your own boundaries but for me it is very important, paying for drinks etc and being in the club are gestures of support for it and the industry even without paying for a dance and actually taking part in objectifying a woman, and my partners know I feel this way from very early if not before we ever get into a sexual relationship. I'm pretty infamous amongst friends for saying I'd rather my partner had an affair than went to a strip club. People just don't believe me/think I am ridiculous but it is how I feel.

It is tough - why's he putting it all on you? Why does he want to go?

Ah, actually, yes, stag do's are a different matter, they have a different tone with the potential for egging on and braying. It does depend what his mates are like.

DH went to a strip club as part of a stag night. He said he'd hoped it might have been at least a little bit novelty, with themed costumes 'six shooters' etc like in some movies. But no, it was seedy and all the girls looked bored and miserable.

He said the worst bit was seeing his friends who paid for private dances, standing with the girls waiting for a booth which he described as looking ridiculously like mums queuing with their boys waiting for a school bus, holding their hands a looking nervous while the girls refused to talk to them!

He asked one of his friends if you 'see everything?' his friend replied 'You can SMELL everything'

Same friend then got his wife to pick him up in her jammies, gave them both a lift home and said 'You'd better not have got a Private dance!!!' DH got a swift kick to the shin!

I quite agree, I'm glad you are trying to find out more before setting your boundaries. For me, I would not want my DH going and, luckily, he wouldn't want to.

Sexual titilation for us is only for our sex lives together. That's why I'd object, not because u think everybody in the sex industry is incapable of using their own judgement about what they do for a living or is being coerced or controlled.

I don't think people working in the sex industry are not able to use their judgement, how horrendously patronising! I think, and said, they are not exercising free choice. No-one really exercises free choice about work but selling your body is a little but more important than selling your labour as an issue.

They are certainly, apart from the seriously exploited and trafficked, exercising judgement, of course they are! But this is not the same thing as choice. I object to women being required to sell their bodies and sexual services to avoid starvation, or in order to achieve a decent standard of living which they could not in other work which is available to them.

That's part of the objection and realistically that's what is happening, women in the sex industry are making economic choices, not personal, sexual ones about their bodies and about the bodies of all women really. I'd never blame them for that, or patronise them by calling them victims necessarily but it is the basis of my objection to the industry.

My DH has told me it's up to me.

Or rather it should be up to him to do what he thinks is right for your marriage.

This way he's shifting responsibility onto you, instead of making a choice for himself.

Tats exactly what I meant. If DP were to go to a lapdancing club I'd lose respect for him and deal with that but I would never forbid it.
It's up to him to decline based on his own moral compass, not for me to dictate that for him.

I have never forbidden anything. I never tell my H what to do. He exercises his own judgement and it happens to chime with mine. That is why I am still with him. If we failed to have common ground on these matters, he would not be the man for me. He doesn't have to ask my permission, nor does he look to me to give him the reason not to exercise a particular choice.

My feel is that the danger with a stag group is that there can be a lot of egging on. In many ways it doesnt matter what the vice is, there will be someone in the group trying to egg everyone else into participating. It justifies their own behaviour. It could be a lap dance, sex with a prostitute, drug taking or heavy duty gambling.

I would be concerned about the group. Who is the ring leader? Who is the stirrer. Who is the one with the dodgy reputation? Who is the one who is going to suggest that after Stringfellows they go on to the 'real thing' at a club they know.

Not all groups have that person but stag parties do seem to drag them in.

If you want to know what goes on in strip clubs, read what strippers are saying about working at the clubs.

strippers discussing working in London strip pubs and clubs