How long did you wait for your proposal?

[Chocolateknickers]

I've been with my Dp for almost 5 years and and we have one DS together. When we first started dating we jokingly talked about marriage in the future but both decided it wasn't as important as having children to us. As the relationship got serious we stopped talking about marriage and I felt I'd be pressuring him by pushing the subject so I let it go. After about 18 months together we decided out of the blue to move in together and shortly after. During a routine check up I was made aware that my fertility wasn't great and it could be a problem for me to conceive. I panicked and we decided to ttc straight away as I was petrified it would never happen and needed to know sooner rather than later. As we'd discussed children oh was happy for this too.

My views have changed since having my DS, my Dp and I have been through some tough times and we seem to get the best out of each other, I would love to get married and secure our family before having anymore children.

I've bought up this many times until I feel like the biggest nag ever and he just won't give me a straight answer, always joking around and changing the subject. Things are tight for us at the moment so it couldn't happen now anyway, but I just want to know if he actually wants to get married? I don't want to leave him but I do want to be married, I don't know if I'm just being impatient?

How long did you wait for a proposal? Did anyone get tired of waiting and leave?

Thanks

I hate to say it but you will be wasting your life if you really do want to get married. It is painful to find out someone does not feel the same.

I had the maybe in five or ten years line, and after seven there was still no sign of a commitment.

Unless a miracle happens, you will regret it.

He doesn't want to marry you. Is this worth leaving him over?

Just wanted to update. Thanks for all advice.

I had to push him and unsurprisingly we had the ' do you want to break up over this' row - which I don't.

He said he doesn't see what marriage will change, he said he's committed to me and wants a future with me, being married is just a piece of paper and a lot of expense that we can't really afford. He said if we did get married then he wouldn't want to do a quicky service, he'd want to do it properly. I understand this. He says he doesn't want to feel like he's just doing it just for me, he wants to be able to do it be because he's ready too. Just because I'm ready now it doesn't mean he has to be.

He understands my point and I understand his. It's not a no never but something we will re-visit in a years time when we we are a bit more financially settled.

He could have just said this in the first place instead of it turning into a big thing. I happy with his response and what he's feelings are. He will marry me but we'll do it when the time is right. I will have my diary and pen out in a years time!

Marriage is not just a piece of paper! It gives you legal rights and security. And a wedding doesn't have to be expensive.

Have you thought about/discussed things like being joint tenants on the house (unless you already are) and wills etc. (This is less important if you are the rich one!)

If marriage won't change anything then why isn't he 'ready'? Ready for what? Doesn't make sense.

I think you need to choose between him or a marriage. He's telling you quite plainly that he doesn't want to marry you .

Personally, I think to plan a family with a woman who has plainly said she wants a marriage, but then refuse to commit yourself to her when the kids arrive, is the mark of a weak, selfish and dishonest man.

Ensure you have a really robust will and make him pay the solicitors costs instead.

Sorry I am with dancing. You will be no further forward in a year.

I know you don't want to break up but I think there are very clear signs here that he doesn't want what you do and that puts the relationship on very shaky footing.

You only get one life , please don't waste it on someone who doesn't care enough about you.

WTF does that even mean......he's not ready for it........What is he not ready for? What is marriage going to change for him?

Oh my word. Why do women put up with this? Arghghgh. The number of friends/colleagues/family who put up with this bullshit.

Strong successful females who are happy to put their life on hold for "the proposal". And put their life on hold they do. And it NEVER turns out well.

It is not up to men any more. We get to choose. We get to decide our future.

The piece of paper is pretty fucking legally binding for just a piece of paper. If it is just a bit of paper why the big refusal.

It just sounds like you want to get married and he doesn't. From your OP it sounds like you have an otherwise good relationship and a couple of dcs. Maybe see a lawyer to get any legal protection you can, but you can't make him marry you so it may be time to let that dream go, unless it's really more important than being with him

We don't want to break up. Right now I'm not in a position to walk away due to this. I think I have to respect his wishes and accept what he says, marriage is a big step for anyone and its something you've got to feel comfortable doing. Of hate for him to get married just for me if he's heart not in it. I trust that it will happen eventually.

But Chocolateknickers, does it not frustrate you that he's arguing marriage is a big step and dismissing your wish for it because it's "just a piece of paper".

Most people would argue he'd taken a pretty big step already when he had a child with you.

I understand your reasons for not walking away, but if that's your decision I think you need to adjust to the reality of your relationship, not expect your proposal.

To the teeth

Yes it does frustrate and annoy me that he feels this way and that he doesn't feel exactly like I do now but what can I do? I'm not ready to walk away from him now and I'm glad its out in the open and he knows how I feel.

I am being true to myself so although we planned on having more children, he knows I won't until we get married so we'll see. I'm not scared of being alone but I feel I can't justify leaving when we do have a good relationship at the moment. If it gets to the point where its marriage or separation then I'll have to make that decision then.

I don't get it. People will have a child or children together but see marriage as a huge step. What's that about ?

Their personal freedom is going to be more curtailed by marriage than by being a parent ? Like I said, I just don't get it.

Playing mummies and daddies is easier than the adult decision to get married. The unconditional love of a child is easier than the give and take of an adult relationship. Co-parenting is much more on the, 'say so' of the adults involved, they are not beholden to the social/legal construct of marriage.

Having their cake and eating it too it what it sounds like. Being a parent has got nothing to do with being married. So you can be a parent and still be single. No doubt being single suits some parents sometimes.....

Well at least you have the crumb of "hope" that he may change his mind. I am just so glad my son believes in and wants to marry his fiancee before they have children.

This will raise its head in your mind again unless you are good at ignoring your own feelings.

I can see though that once you have a child its not easy. He probably won't want another nowthe spectre of the marriage trap looms.

OP, your dp has just bought himself some time, which is always his intention all along. Never to meet your needs, just buy himself time, but for what?

He has had 5 years and a child with you. What is holding him back. I gave my now dh a mini ultimatum to marry me, which he duly took the bait but I made it clear I was going to walk. Now I ask my dh about why some men refuse to commit to marriage. He says it is because they are not that into the woman.

I am going to be blunt. Whilst you are 30 and only one child, you are going to find it much easier to find another bloke than if you are 40 and with 2 children.

All this time you are giving your dp for him to prevaricate and duck and dive is reducing your chances of finding a happy life with someone else who wants to be with you and commit to a married life together.

Be prepared that in a year's time, he will just say what he has always been saying. Then what?

I'd advise that you think about issuing the ultimatum in a year and in the meantime make preparations to leave (so there is a stick behind the threat): save up some money to rent a place of your own, think about schools, upping your hours at work. Once he sees you are serious, it is the only thing that will force him to reveal his true intentions. You are not pressuring him, you are just ensuring you will get your needs met, whether with him or someone else.

It is as calm and bloodless as that.

Some very good points.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I do wish that I'd made it clear my views on marriage earlier in the relationship.

However, my parents were never married and to be honest I never really had marriage down as something I needed to do, I felt it would be nice to be married but it wasn't a deal breaker if my partner didn't. It's amazing how much life changes when you have a child, and now I'm a mum its suddenly really important to me. In that sense I have to respect his wishes. I never badgered him over the years as I stupidly assumed one day he would just want to. The urge is huge for me now but I hope that it catches up with him soon.

A year is a small time to wait to get what I want and I'm prepared to give that to him. However, as said before if I can't wait any longer at that time then I will walk away and I'd feel I'd have no choice but to do so, I'm not quite there yet. I think that sounds reasonable?