How long did you wait for your proposal?

[Chocolateknickers]

I've been with my Dp for almost 5 years and and we have one DS together. When we first started dating we jokingly talked about marriage in the future but both decided it wasn't as important as having children to us. As the relationship got serious we stopped talking about marriage and I felt I'd be pressuring him by pushing the subject so I let it go. After about 18 months together we decided out of the blue to move in together and shortly after. During a routine check up I was made aware that my fertility wasn't great and it could be a problem for me to conceive. I panicked and we decided to ttc straight away as I was petrified it would never happen and needed to know sooner rather than later. As we'd discussed children oh was happy for this too.

My views have changed since having my DS, my Dp and I have been through some tough times and we seem to get the best out of each other, I would love to get married and secure our family before having anymore children.

I've bought up this many times until I feel like the biggest nag ever and he just won't give me a straight answer, always joking around and changing the subject. Things are tight for us at the moment so it couldn't happen now anyway, but I just want to know if he actually wants to get married? I don't want to leave him but I do want to be married, I don't know if I'm just being impatient?

How long did you wait for a proposal? Did anyone get tired of waiting and leave?

Thanks

but I just want to know if he actually wants to get married?

So ask him!

Other people's experiences are completely irrelevant to you, who:
Moved in together out of the blue
Conceived in a panic
Have a boyfriend who laughs and changes the subject everytime you bring up marriage.

This isn't about what's normal, it's about the fact that you never seem to have had a straight conversation with your boyfriend.

Thank you for replying.

I'll try to respond.

Sorry to add to a very popular topic, it must be the season!

I actually asked him in the last leap year but he didn't take me seriously and laughed it off.

A big wedding isn't important nor would it ever be an option it is about our commitment, but we would have to save for even a small do.

I know it wont guarantee a perfect relationship but the vows will mean that we will do our best, and not give up too easily.

In hindsight I probably should have pushed for this more when we were ttc but he can be hard to talk to at times.

This isn't about what's normal, it's about the fact that you never seem to have had a straight conversation with your boyfriend

You've hit a nerve there, that is spot on, but I have no idea how to rectify when he always avoids any serious conversations.

Can I be blunt. I think you already know that he doesn't want to get married. He puts off talking about it, he laughed it off when you proposed...he makes you feel worried that if you keep bringing it. Up you are nagging. If this is really a make or break thing for you then you need to tell him in plain English that it's a deal breaker.

If you can let go of it and reconcile yourself to never being married then I think you should, because from what you have mentioned so far there seem to be some clear signals that it's never going to happen if you wait for him.

Thanks tarte

I think that's what I'm afraid of. I was hoping someone has been through something similar and had a dramatic turnaround!

I asked DP he said yes and we talked about it.

If he'd said no but had had a serious conversation about it, it would have been okay too. If he had laughed at me or not taken it seriously I would have been so hurt and upset. I'm sorry he did that. I agree with Tarte. If it means a lot to you you need to tell him.

We met in late 1996 and he proposed June 2005. So 8.5 years. But we were only 20 when we met and not ready to think about marriage till late 20s. I felt v like you but knew I didn't want to nag him into it but there came a point about 6 months before he proposed when I said v calmly that I wanted to get married and it was fine if he didn't, but we'd need to split up. And I meant it he claims not to remember the conversations and that it made no difference to when he proposed but it meant I felt less powerless. So, I'd try a calm serious chat. Btw, my DH hates talking too and sometimes we have to have big chats in bite sized chunks so he can digest things slowly. Think about what works for you as a couple and be straight w him.

I met dh after a particularly nasty breakup with a serious boyfriend. I had never been married and was 32 and had my own condo, etc. I met dh and six months later he was hinting at marriage. We were in the "lovey dovey honeymoon stage" and after our first row I didn't hear anything about marriage for a few months. (He had been engaged, not married before, and she broke it off).

I didn't want to pressure him, but I wanted to get on with it if we were going to get married. I wanted children, etc. It was about 10 months into our relationship when I was of the mind, either get on with it or let me find someone else. At the beginning of the relationship I spelled out very clearly I wasn't living with anyone unless I was married to him (I'm not saying we were angels but it wasn't as convenient ;)

Another month ticked by and I decided I was going to go furniture shopping. For MY house. I started carrying on as if we were Weren't getting married (YES I was being manipulative. Sometimes you have to, to get on with it). When he realized that I WAS getting on without him, he waited another month and then suggested we look for rings, as that was what he really wanted. He was very nervous about getting turned down again but realized this was an entirely different situation.

To boil it down, I was willing to wait a year (I didn't tell him this). After a year, I would have had the talk that if it was going to happen, I wanted it pushed along. It was a year and a week to the day we met that he proposed...and we've been married 13 years.

2 years and one month for us. We'd discussed marriage and children on our first date and DP actually said he never wanted to get married (which was fine with me). A few months into our relationship he said since he met me he wanted to get married. He actually spoke about us getting married a lot more than me! Maybe that's because I just had it in my head that he had first said he didn't want to get married.

My parents were together 25 years and my DB and DSIL were together 15 years beforehand.

Chocolateknickers I hope it's a constructive nerve. I do think that with people who will do everything to avoid a difficult conversation, you really do have to force it. Ambush them if necessary, long car journeys etc.

I have a friend who told her now DH vv early on that she expected a proposal within the year. I thought she was nuts (and she had to wait a bit longer to be fair) but I do now think that if I meet someone who I see a future with I'm going to make it damn clear that I want to know if we're on the same page. Aside from the legal stuff, the reason I'm now a convert to marriage is that it's very very easy to drift into cohabiting and even having kids without being sure what the other person is actually signing up to.

24 days.
Thank fuck it all worked out well...

3 months.

Married almost 30 years.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone or indeed have children with a man who couldn't hold a sensible conversation about marriage after 5 years.

MN tells me that lots of people disagree with me on this one.

2 weeks for me, married a year later. We're celebrating our 18th anniversary this year.
If he hadn't asked me, I would have asked him.

OP, I think you need to think seriously whether this laugh-a-minute is the person you really want to spend the rest of your life with. I would not put up with such behaviour from a partner.

Thanks all for sharing! It's giving me hope!

Definitely a constructive nerve! Everyone hates having to ambush but the reality is I know I have to keep persevering as its what I really want.

He is a really good man, I'm in my best relationship ever and we have so much in common, he's my best mate. I don't doubt he feels the same but he does tend to shy away from serious "grown up stuff".

It's hard to tell if this is why he's avoiding it or if he's just not interested in marriage.

We met mid October. First real date mid November. He proposed end Dec ( in a New York cab coming over the Brooklyn Bride just as Manhattan came into sight). He said, so when are you going to marry me? I said, when you ask me properly. So he did.
Married August, been together 17 years.

Sit him down and ask him to tell you honestly, whether marriage is ever going to be on the cards. Tell him you don't mean right now right this second, but EVER and if yes, how long does he expect you to wait?

You can't have a good relationship if you can't communicate openly and honestly about your wants and desires.

I think people saying 'you should propose if you want to get married' are missing the point a bit. He already knows that you want to get married, as much as if you HAD proposed, and is clearly not that keen as he keeps laughing it off. I suspect he knows that he has the upper hand here - you already have a child together so it's not like you can just say 'it's a dealbreaker, I'm off'. Well, you could split up with him but you're not likely to if everything is otherwise good and it's a lot less likely or straightforward than if you had just been going out a year or something.

Do you work? What is the financial situation? Don't need to answer here if you don't want to but bear in mind that if something happens in a few years' time and you break up, you won't get anything from him except child support. 42% of marriages end in divorce (official statistic) and the fail rate is even higher for couples who aren't married (so I read somewhere - this is not gospel). At least if you break up when you are married you will be entitled to some assets and security. I know that's horribly practical but it's true.

I think you need to have a serious chat and find out why he doesn't want to get married. Point out that it's important for you from a financial/security point of view.

Don't give him any excuse for delay - an expensive wedding, for example, will probably involve saving up and will take ages.

I agree with plutarch.

You already have your answer. He's not going to propose, he knows you want to get married, he knows you'd say yes, you've proposed and he laughed it off.

What are you waiting for before you just believe him? An aeroplane with a banner flying behind saying "Chocolateknickers, I don't want to marry you!"

I wouldn't want to marry a man who avoided serious conversations. I did that without realising what a problem it would be and, believe me, it's not how you want to conduct your entire life.

Marriage also doesn't hold any guarantees. I was with my exH for 13 years or so. We were only married for 4 of those before he had an affair. If anything, I found that the issues that existed before we married only seemed more important afterwards.

plutarch and sykadelic very well said.

@ folk girl

For me it is about making that commitment to each other, I think its easier to walk away while just cohabiting, not saying it isn't when your married but I would like to think you'd work harder through problems.

Its a big hurdle, I just want to have an honest discussion about it so I can stop thinking about it!

Fwiw, XH decided within a week that he'd be happy to marry me. He'd been married before when he was younger and said that he thought he'd never do it again or have DCs, but that now he'd met me he'd changed his mind.

Looking back we barely knew each other and it would probably be a huge red flag on here! 13 ill-matched years later we're separated.

New DP has talked to me about marriage but the circumstances with DCs and housing logistics mean it's not straightforward also I'm still actually married to the ex so we have accepted that it's not going to happen for several years, but he is keen to stress that if anyone were marriage material, it's me.

One day he says he can see us marrying on a beach somewhere, just a small informal thing. He's never married before, was engaged to his DCs' mum but they split before it happened.

What I'm saying is that even though our situation makes it unlikely we'll marry for several years, I know he's committed to me and talks about us getting old together. If your DP doesn't make you feel secure to talk about your future or your hopes and dreams, then marriage certificate or not, it seems so sad for you.

19 days. But we've known each other for 4 months before dating and both came with high recommendations from the friends who introduced us ;). On the first date I told him I am looking for marriage and more children asap given my then age (36). So he took the hint, I guess, lol. A few days later he was fishing for further confirmation by mentioning that people nowadays live together without being married, but I was blunt that I am absolutely not signing up for this. Then a few days later he turned up with a ring and we moved in together on the same day!
3 years on we are still together and have a 2 year old. Sometimes it's tough, I will not lie to you, but we must have seen that something in each other which makes us stick together.

Can I be blunt too?

Some people don't want to be married (for various reason)

Some people don't want to be married to "you"

If your partner is the former then you'll have to get used to not being married and realise that it doesn't diminish your relationship. He should however have given you some concreate reasons why marriage is not his thing by now.

Without wanting to worry you. I had a situation with my little brother, no one could work out why there was never an engagement with his previous girlfriend. They seemed great together, and she was always talking about "when we get married"
One day my brother phoned and asked to come and live with me, he'd finished the realationship.

He then met another girl sometime down the road and within a year they were engaged and married a year after that.

He confided in me that he new the first girl wasn't right but didn't quite know how to end it and things just rumbled on far too long. I don't judge him for it, he's my little brother and I actually blame myself for not seeing his unhappiness.

I really hope you get what you need from your relationship, talking about it is the only way forward and hopefully you can work out how to move forward.

I've had three proposals from different men. At 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 and 3 years. None were right. Currently waiting for DP to get his act together because he is the one :) we'll have been together 3 years in June, expecting our first child in July. He knows I want marriage, he swings both ways on the topic, so it's just a waiting game. I'm very upfront about it but will never ask. I'm quite traditional.

My sister however has told her DP he's proposing this year and they're getting married next year!

I broached it.

Me: "so are we ever going to get married"
Him: Laughs "this is out of the blue"
Me: "its not, and its really important to me. I just want to know so I can stop going on about it"

I listed my reasons - secure relationship, future planning etc.

Him "Ok, yea we'll get married eventually . ." (distracted)

silence

Him "what else do you want me to say, marriage was never pushed on me when I was growing up, I'm not the marrying kind . . ."
Me "so you don't want to get married?"
Him "maybe. .. . . In 5 years 10 years. I don't know"
Me "I just want to know if its a possibility or not. I don't think we have a future together if you don't. Sorry to have to be blunt but it's really important to me."

silence. Me waiting for more.

Him "ok. What? do you want me to propose now or something?"
Me "no, I just need to know if its going to happen.
Him "Yea, but I'm just not ready now. That's all"
Me "can you tell me why you're not ready so I can understand"
Him (getting annoyed) "I'm just not ready, I'm a guy, I'm just not ready to get married."
Me "Ok, sorry to push but I have to give you 2 years, because I don't want to be waiting for 10 years and then you tell me it's never going to happen. It's what I really want"
Him "ok"

Reluctant end of discussion.

So there's a million red flags there. Did I say the right thing? What the hell do I do now?