How long did you wait for your proposal?

[Chocolateknickers]

I've been with my Dp for almost 5 years and and we have one DS together. When we first started dating we jokingly talked about marriage in the future but both decided it wasn't as important as having children to us. As the relationship got serious we stopped talking about marriage and I felt I'd be pressuring him by pushing the subject so I let it go. After about 18 months together we decided out of the blue to move in together and shortly after. During a routine check up I was made aware that my fertility wasn't great and it could be a problem for me to conceive. I panicked and we decided to ttc straight away as I was petrified it would never happen and needed to know sooner rather than later. As we'd discussed children oh was happy for this too.

My views have changed since having my DS, my Dp and I have been through some tough times and we seem to get the best out of each other, I would love to get married and secure our family before having anymore children.

I've bought up this many times until I feel like the biggest nag ever and he just won't give me a straight answer, always joking around and changing the subject. Things are tight for us at the moment so it couldn't happen now anyway, but I just want to know if he actually wants to get married? I don't want to leave him but I do want to be married, I don't know if I'm just being impatient?

How long did you wait for a proposal? Did anyone get tired of waiting and leave?

Thanks

Why don't you just ask him, OP? Straight out, and matter-of-factly: "So shall we get married this summer or wait until the spring? How about xxx weekend?"

I didn't wait for a proposal. My dh had said very early on in the relationship that there had never been any way he would entertain the idea of marriage with his ex (9 year relationship), but with me he could actually see himself doing it! A few months on when he'd been going through a really rough time and I wanted to reassure him that I would continue to stand by him, I said "shall we get married?" and he said "yes, I'd like that".

We set a date 3 months later and booked the register office, told our parents and kids and asked 2 friends to be witnesses and that was it. Booked a nice restaurant for dinner that night. No big to-do, no frills... We didn't even tell our other friends until afterwards, when we invited them to a party to celebrate.

Very different from my first marriage (I was very young), which was still low-key by most people's standards, but where I was much more focussed on the actual wedding than on the marriage itself!

Eek! XPost! That sounds tough. If it were me I'd be giving him an ultimatum to set a date (even if that date is 2 years away) by my next birthday or something.

But again, I'm a big fan of direct communication. Tell him you're not bothered about a ring or a fancy wedding, but that it's important to you to get married to feel secure.

If he still resists, then you may have to follow through with the terms of your ultimatum. If he doesn't believe you're serious, he has no reason to act...!

VitaminC That actually sounds lovely how you did it.

I kind of feel like now its out there I have to stop mentioning it? I imagine he'll be like "you said we can wait 2 years"?

Shall I leave it for a bit and then suggest a date? I don't need a big proposal either, I'd be happy to choose a ring together and have a small but meaningful celebration

That's tough.. See my previous post.

Your man is giving you no decent reason for not getting married other than not ready.

What is he waiting for in order to be ready?

He asked me about 14 months into relationship. Married five months later.

We both didn't want to live together or start a family before then.

However, I went out with a man for several years who joked around and never involved me in his long term plans. Bought houses etc. so did I. Looking back it was all wring. I her even put a picture up of the two of us I was that unsure of the whole thing yet when we were together it was great.

We had been together for three years and living together for a year of that. I felt ready; I proposed to him.We picked out the rings the next weekend.

TBH, it was not really a shock to him as he knew I wanted kids & marriage - and that I loved him.

"I'm not ready" isn't a good enough answer for so many reasons.

It doesn't tell you why he's not ready and quite frankly, after 5 years and a child together, I'm struggling to imagine what would make him ready.

As for the "I'm a guy comment", words fail me. Men aren't an alien species. Some men don't ever want to marry and neither do some women. As I said before, my husband was very keen to get married and asked me after 3 months of dating and we married 3 months later. What do you think an extra 10 years will achieve.

He is being very unfair to you and I'm so sorry.

Thanks for responses.

newbieman he couldn't give me anymore info. It's like talking to a brick wall at times. I'll go back and look at your post.

I'm very forthright and like to get my own way so sometimes I don't push in case I come across as bossing him around. My family have told me I can be very bossy so I really try to be aware of how I come across. He is very laid back and 'go with the flow' so I feel like I can be a bit overbearing at times but I feel we'd do nothing otherwise, I often back down for fear of this and end up bottling things up and feeling frustrated.

Why don't you wait a few days/weeks, then bring it up again and just say "okay, so if we are actually going to get married let's set a date and then it's done. Did you say 2015?" and stand there with your diary open or a notepad and pen...

If you don't pin him down, he'll keep fobbing you off! At least this way you'll have a definite answer one way or the other. If you keep accepting his brushing it aside, he'll keep on putting it off, knowing that you'll just keep on repeating the same pattern!

Six weeks. In a train between Austria and Hungary.

Married two months later.

I wouldn't do what vitamin has suggested. That seems to jump from accepting his inertia to running after him with a big ballpoint pen. I would just be honest about why you'd like it and why you're sensitive about bringing it up. If he sees that you curb your bossiness for his sake, he may also see that he has a part to play in this. If he's used to you dragging him along in your wake, he may not have his head in gear. But if he has serious concerns or such about marrying/marrying you, then you have a right to know. It might be hard to hear.

We got married after about 7 years. No one proposed, but I initiated it in a sort of, "you know that I've always quite fancied the idea of marriage - shall we see if we can get one organised soonish?"

DH never wanted to marry, and would have happily co-habited forever, but he did it because he knew it meant something to me. He warmed up pretty quickly when we started making arrangements, as he likes planning, and a couple of years down the line, he's very happy to be married.

Marriage was never pushed on me when I was growing up

What does that mean ? It wasn't pushed on me either, didn't stop me wanting to get married when I was ready.

Sorry ChocolateLingerie but he's outright told you, 'I'm not the marrying kind.' He only didn't say, 'I'm not marrying you' to save a row and the end of his cosy little arrangement. He's kinda got his cake and is eating it, i.e. he's got you and a kid. That's as far as he'll go.

I find the phrase, 'pushed on me' quite telling as well. He thinks you are trying to push marriage on him. Why is he so reluctant ? He asked you outright if he should propose to you right now. You said no. That was a tactical error on your part.

IMO don't marry this manchild, you will have a prat for a husband. Then you'll regret it.

Why did you give him two years to think about it ? What happens when the two years is up ? He's just glad that he's put the subject off for a couple of years. Got you off his back about it as far as he's concerned.

In his view, nothing will change and marriage is all your fault idea anyway. He's already partnered with you, that won't change after marriage. He's already a Dad. That won't change after marriage. So, unfortunately, there's nothing in it for him.

He's avoiding a costly divorce by not marrying. Right now, he's got just what he wants and can walk out whenever he feels like it with very few comebacks. Marriage will just complicate things. I accept that married men (and women) do this too.

Just as a btw, personally, I don't understand couples who start a family then grizzle and gripe about getting married/not getting married. The relationship is public, the child/ren have been born. Isn't getting married kinda, after the fact now ?

100% agree with what GhettoPrincess has said.

Do you really have 2 whole years to spare being unhappy?

He is playing you!

Either put up with the situation or become crystal about your desires by action NOW.

No middle ground here in my opinion, as it is too late to wait for a romantic 'suprise' proposal anyway. The more you push him and goad him, the more humiliated you will feel. Just get it over with. One way or the other.

I agree with Ghetto too.

Also, do you really want to marry someone so immature, and who us adamant he doesn't want to marry you? And who seems to think of himself as a cool, single 'not the marrying type' kind of guy?

Aside from the issue of whether he in fact loves you and is committed to you, you should be concerned about the legalities and the protection marriage affords you. If he won't agree to marry, and you don't want to split up, get a solicitor to draw up a document that will give you both essentially the same rights and responsibilities as a married couple.

[cries]

It hurts. He doesn't want to marry me. I said to him today there's more things on my mind that I want to talk about. His response was "oh for gods sake, I told you what I thought yesterday, I haven't changed my mind. What more do you want from me? If you want to do your ultimatum then do it."

Clearly I've hit a nerve and I know deep down he won't say I don't want to marry you but I think he'd like to be able to?
I don't feel secure in this relationship and when I opened up yesterday, he didn't say anything to reassure me.

I apreciate everyone's help, I have no one I can talk to about this in RL.

oh chocolate, you poor thing. You well and truly have your answer and it's not what you wanted to hear.

as others have said, you have to ask yourself whether this is a deal breaker for you.

Oh chocolate, I'm sorry. That must have been hard to hear.

We are both 30

I wouldn't push him now. Your ultimatum was very clear. It might well be irritating to push any further at this point. To be honest I think you risk losing what you have together if you push any harder. At the end of the day he has free will and so do you. He now knows that if he wants to keep you, he has two years in which to get 'ready'. That's probably hard enough for him at the moment without feeling micromanaged within that two year period. Especially if he's so annoyed at the mention of it. He sounds a bit of a spoilt brat about this. I'm not sure he wouldn't end up resenting you if you did go ahead and get married in this context. In that case I wouldn't feel at all sure that your relationship was the better or the more secure for having embarked on this.

It must really hurt and I'm so sorry. The only thing is, perhaps he has a very different concept of what marriage means. He may be shying away from it for reasons that don't have anything to do with his feelings for you - which you'd only find out by talking it through. I really doubt this would happen if you were holding a diary and a pen though.

'oh for gods sake, I told you what I thought yesterday, I haven't changed my mind. What more do you want from me? If you want to do your ultimatum then do it."

Chocolate knickers...this is not he response of someone who truly loves you. You explained patiently, kindly and with tact. He is reacting as if you are trying to force him to do something unpleasant rather than something precious and meaningful. If this muppet doesn't value you now, then he never will. There will be no proposal in two years, five years or ten years.

Are there other areas of your relationship where he treats your views and needs with such disdain.

Honestly not jumping straight on the LTB band wagon, but this type of reaction would actually be a deal breaker if it were happening to me.

I really don't get this. How can he 'not bed ready'? Ready for what? Commitment? You have a child! You are way committed, but at the moment it's one sided because you don't have security. So is he saying he doesn't care that you don't have security? That's like saying 'I might want to dump you later so I don't want to have to give you money if we do.' I'm really sorry he's being like this with you.

plutarch - I like your typo - he clearly is bed ready - just not ready to make a real commitment .