I split up from my partner last week. We have a 6 month old baby. I am devastated, it is all my fault. I have been pushing and pushing him, I told him I didn't want to be with him any more, it's not true (or maybe it is, at least some of the time). I am so confused I don't know my own mind anymore. I want to go back but my pride is in the way. Our families are involved now, and I feel like I can't back down.
He doesn't like to argue, he hates confrontation whereas if I am truthful I thrive on it. He has pleaded with me in the past not to argue, or that we can argue then make up instead of it turning into a huge drama but I can't seem to stop myself. I am immature, I admit it and if I am hurt I say horrible things.
He came for the baby today, and was going to have him for a couple of hours but brought him back after half an hour. The babies face was red from crying, he was sobbing and my partner said he had been hysterical and wouldn't settle. I think he was just overtired but he (I can't bring myself to say my ex) took it to heart. He thinks it was because I wasn't there and the baby is unhappy around him. His mum was with him and said he was nearly crying and was really upset. He has spent time apart from the baby before while we had some renovations done to the house, I moved out for a while as we didn't want the baby around the building work. He saw him every day then as he has since the split but this feels so different.
I feel like he is going to miss out on so much and I can't bear it. I want to work things out. I don't want my son to be from a broken home. I want the future we planned together. Please help me, my heart is breaking.
Some background: it may not be pertinent, and it doesn't excuse my behaviour but we had difficult start with our baby. I struggled with feeding, he was nearly admitted to hospital with weight loss. He was a very bad sleeper for the first 10 weeks and we struggled with colic and reflux. He is fab now, but I still find it hard to keep on top of things. My partner is good with the baby, but will sit back and let me look after him unless I specifically ask him for help. I find him selfish, I feel like he just carries on with his life and I don't feel like I should need to ask for help or a break. He changes his behaviour when I confront him, but then it just slides back to how it was. I feel like I am constantly doing so many other things at once that the constant tidying up after him as well is more than I can take.
We haven't had sex since the baby was born, and I can't see me wanting to anytime soon. I was traumatised by the birth, I had an episiotomy and a bad tear as well. My body doesn't feel the same, something feels wrong and I can't imagine having sex now.
Also, I don't get out much with the baby as I don't drive and we live nowhere near any baby groups. I don't like to walk with the pram as some of the roads nearby don't have pavements and it's dangerous. I adore my baby, but I wanted to get more out of my maternity leave. I felt hemmed in and trapped, I love my baby so much but I am anxious about going to groups or getting on a bus with the pram. I feel like I can't do it. I hated being reliant on him for everything.