So ready to start a family, but OH not so much...

[babyready]

I'm a 28 year old freelancer, currently at a natural break in my career (one big project finished, doing short-term work before looking for the next big project), and all I can think about is making that next big project starting a family!!!

I've been with my partner 3 years, we're renting together (and for the foreseeable, as we're both self-employed!) and are very stable and more in love than ever. Financially we're in the best shape we've been, and despite not having the benefits of PAYE employment (maternity pay etc), we could comfortably afford to start a family at this stage. I also just feel so ready to be a mum :)

However, OH isn't keen to give up his freedom just yet - he sees babies as a 35+ lifechoice. Not that he never wants them, he just feels that he's still young and still has stuff to do. We had the "what if there was an accident" chat, and he said it'd be fine and we'd make it work, but he's not going to choose the sleepless nights voluntarily.

For me, late-30s would be a little late to start - I'd like to still have some energy and time for my career then and be into the swing of family life, so I could (hopefully!) juggle things better!! I've also found that I can't concentrate or motivate myself in my career, or anything right now, as my mind keeps wandering back to babyland (hence me posting on mumsnet, FFS!!)!

However, I realise there's no compromise here - one of us will have to do something we don't feel is ideal for us going forward.

Has anyone either:
a) Been able to overcome this crazy, hormonal broodiness?
b) Been able to coax a loved-one round to the idea of starting a family?!

Any thoughts/advice/experiences would be hugely appreciated!!

Interesting thread - I can see both points of view.

I work in a young office. Most of the 28-year-olds here aren't thinking about having kids any time soon. Most of the 30-somethings are.

Fertility does decline and genetic problems increase. When I think about all the people I know with children, most of the people in their thirties have been fine, most of the people in their twenties conceived accidentally, and I know a few ttcers in their forties - one who conceived first time, two who had to give up after years of heartache. Yes it's obvious stuff, but that's the reality.

Look, I'm in the unlucky small percentage that was doomed whenever I was going to try. I have still managed to have one child, but only because I started when I was 27. All the same, I don't advise everyone to start ttc at 27 because that's not going to be right for every situation and most people will be fine. The thing to bear in mind is how important are children to you, to your partner, and that there is never a 'right time'.

If I were you, OP, I'd say to him 'do you think you'll be ready to consider children at 30/31, say'? And if he thinks there's no chance he'll consider it then, you should reconsider him.

28 is young. But if you get to 35 and he still doesn't want them, you'll have wasted a lot of time.

I think OP knows her partner best. If he is a master of procrastination and puts things off til the cows come home (knew brother of a friend of mine who had different girlfriends just because he could and resisted settling down until as late as possible!) then it may be worth more thought on this.

If however she thinks he may change his mind then stick with it.

FWIW I'd only ever have kids if I was married and precisely because I work in a solicitors which deals with family law and believe me you're better protected financially.

Their values are this: they are prepared to double or triple or quadruple the risk of serious birth defects in their children in order to have the chance to have more holidays, more money, a nicer home and a better position at work.

Wow, could you BE any more sanctimonious? :o

Seriously, your argument is so fucking biased and you are presenting it as the word of God Almighty.

For a start, WHAT risk are you "doubling or quadrupling" if you don't have your children during the approved decade?

Because if those risks are small to start with (and they are), then doubling them, or even quadrupling them, leaves a risk that is still small.

Second of all, your ridiculous assertions about the reasons why people might wait are just the usual crap thrown at "career" women for not sacrificing everything for their children.

Why assume that people's reason for wanting to wait is only about consumerism?

What if they use the free time that not having children affords them to attempt to effect some real change in the world? Once you have dependants, there are a lot of things you no longer have time for.

There is a LOT more to life than buying shit and a LOT more you can do with your time than trying to get rich or get a promotion.

You seem to be saying that unless and until you have children life is just about selfish consumerist frivolities.

Maybe that's your life. But thankfully not everything is like you.

"but before 30 makes a really big difference to improving your chance of having a baby who doesn't need support from you and from the state throughout his or her lifetime."

Is that what this is really about? Yet another way to bash women who don't have children at the "right", by calling them scroungers who deliberately had children with SN?

Yes I had a similar when I read 'and from the state'

Utterly distasteful and pretty ironic given that the poster is far more blase about people having children before they're financially ready.

ISBN your posts were OK until you said this:

'Their values are this: they are prepared to double or triple or quadruple the risk of serious birth defects in their children in order to have the chance to have more holidays, more money, a nicer home and a better position at work.'

Those were not mine or DH's values. We did not want to have our first (and as it turns out) only baby at 38, it was just the way things turned out. And we don't have any of those things anyway. Our baby is perfectly fine (well, she's 4 now!), as are the children of all the other people I know who had babies in their late 30s.

I wouldn't advise leaving it that late - I agree with others that actually it's easier to get back into the job market at a younger age after having children, and also it's bloody tiring! And I think my menopause is going to coincide nearly with DD's adolescence, which is not something to look forward to!

Ooh those feckless older mums. Fancy waiting til they're in a strong relationship or a good position at work or have achieved some of their dreams. How very dare they.

Thisis - I think a few of the older mums I know are secretly relieved that they have:-

a) got a 2nd chance with new partner (if have had kids first time) but also had a chance to live their life inbetween kids.

b) the ones having kids later are also relieved they have had their partying days, have had Cosmopolitans and wild nights out and are quite happy now at 40 and above at home and having had fun/spending money/trips away etc on them beforehand.

not judging anyone who doesn't do above at all. and not saying you can't drink/party/go away/spend more when you DO have kids.

Asking him if he will consider kids in 3 years isn't fool proof. He might say yes to keep you in the hope you will stop banging on about it, knowing he doesn't want kids ever, not yet or not with you. Only you know whether he is capable of scheming like that.

Asking him if he will consider kids in 3 years isn't fool proof. He might say yes to keep you in the hope you will stop banging on about it, knowing he doesn't want kids ever, not yet or not with you.

Yes, this is very true.

And it wouldn't have to be deliberately scheming either.

He could go along with it "for a quiet life", thinking it would work out somehow and then when 3 years is up still not be ready.

By that point he might well feel like he has you over a barrel and stall for more time.

My friend wanted children at around 30, but her partner messed about to the point that they split. She is with someone else and she is now 38 she has wanted to have children for a very long time, has been in a stable relationship for a number of years now, but her partner was not ready. She is going to try for the first time next month. However she already has issues with her cycle, and there is a lot more risk that she will not become pregnant now. However she is with someone that she really wants to be with. She worries that they have left it too late. What I am trying to say is, if your partner never wants children it is best that he says this now, leaving you free to go find someone else. It is likely if this did happen, you would need to spend a couple of years or more getting to know them, making you 30 before you start trying, then you may want to have a particular gap that could put you maybe at 34 which would get you closer to where the risks become a lot higher.

I wish you all the best getting to the bottom of what he really wants to do, remember he has all the time in the world to decide to have children, but you do not. 28 is young, but if you do need to find a new partner you will start drifting into the realms of being early to kid thirties before having your first.

A likely scenario, which will leave the OP gambling on whether to hold on or cut her losses and run at 31. Maybe repeating the scenario again at 33, 35.

And so maybe to avoid that she gambles on whether by leaving now she can meet someone she also loves and who definitely wants a family with her. But it is a gamble and say it takes her two years to grieve for this relationship, meet someone else etc. Then they want a few years of having fun together first.

Gosh suddenly it's very easy to see how so many women end up fecklessly sprogging in their mid 30s. It's almost like life doesn't work according to some nice perfect script with a H&S assessment on the side.

Wow ISBN be sure you don't hold back

Their values are this: they are prepared to double or triple or quadruple the risk of serious birth defects in their children in order to have the chance to have more holidays, more money, a nicer home and a better position at work.

Sure it is that simple. As a higher rate taxpayer who could no doubt easily (by your reckoning) afford DC and who has been with my partner for over a decade, I am not waiting because I am not sure I want DC, nor because if I do have them, I want them to be truly wanted. Furthermore it is not related to the fact that hand on heart I have never felt 'broody'.

Yeah, sure, it's all down to the fact that I want to be able to afford a live in nanny without giving up designer shoes . Oddly enough my friends (many) on more average incomes don't get that shit. If I really wanted kids I could have them tomorrow (biology permitting).

The trade off is not as simple as you make out. Unless very old, a full term child at 28 or 38 is likely to be 'perfect' within usual parameters. The gamble you are talking about is not so steeps. Not to mention that prior to the pill, people routinely (my grandmother) had children into their 40s with no issue. Ironically my grandmothers youngest child (conceived in 40s) was the brightest, fittest etc...

But heh, don't let that stop you slagging us all off. Maybe I should have a wean I'd resent because after all I'm in early 30s and getting on...

In view of his reluctance you should be cautious. What would happen if you had the baby and you split up. Would you cope with childcare and earning enough to manage. It is difficult when you both want different things. Maybe give it another couple of years. But if you think he'll never be ready it's certainly a serious concern.

Going back to OP, in your case I wouldn't hang about & would try to get your DP talking about whether he does definitely want kids. I'd also be inclined to get him to agree to a timeline.

Does he want to get married? Is that also important to you? I think while 3 years in your late 20s isn't slow for the kids conversation (it isn't fast either), it's plenty enough time for the commitment / marriage conversation. If you're having that, you need to understand where you see yourselves in 10-20 years time. If you see yourself in 10 years time surrounded by little ones and working part time and he see the two of you buying a penthouse and out every night, you have a fundamental disconnect.

I am essentially child free, but both DP and I have the option to bring this back up at any time. DP knew this coming in. I've never had a broody bone in my body, sadly. But I do still have the conversation occasionally of 'you do know I am X age and we're getting married so if you change your mind at Y age it might not happen'. I think he thinks I'm like the Daily Mail for same age / marginally younger men but I think it's best to be open about what everyone wants.

ISBN

I agree that you need to start talking about commitment and medium long term plans and that does mean marriage with all the legal commitment it involves purely from a practical point of view if you want to have children.

28 is not an advanced age and it's perfectly reasonable not to want children at that age for a whole range of reasons. But you do need to have a shared view about when is the right time and you also need to, if you can build in a bit of time for what happens if you can't get or stay pregnant.

DH and I have been together since we were 21 and married at 27. At that point we had the discussion about a longstop date for ttc which was 35 and what would we want if we couldn't conceive.

A bit of honesty with a dose of reality and practicality does go a long way in a relationship.