So ready to start a family, but OH not so much...

[babyready]

I'm a 28 year old freelancer, currently at a natural break in my career (one big project finished, doing short-term work before looking for the next big project), and all I can think about is making that next big project starting a family!!!

I've been with my partner 3 years, we're renting together (and for the foreseeable, as we're both self-employed!) and are very stable and more in love than ever. Financially we're in the best shape we've been, and despite not having the benefits of PAYE employment (maternity pay etc), we could comfortably afford to start a family at this stage. I also just feel so ready to be a mum :)

However, OH isn't keen to give up his freedom just yet - he sees babies as a 35+ lifechoice. Not that he never wants them, he just feels that he's still young and still has stuff to do. We had the "what if there was an accident" chat, and he said it'd be fine and we'd make it work, but he's not going to choose the sleepless nights voluntarily.

For me, late-30s would be a little late to start - I'd like to still have some energy and time for my career then and be into the swing of family life, so I could (hopefully!) juggle things better!! I've also found that I can't concentrate or motivate myself in my career, or anything right now, as my mind keeps wandering back to babyland (hence me posting on mumsnet, FFS!!)!

However, I realise there's no compromise here - one of us will have to do something we don't feel is ideal for us going forward.

Has anyone either:
a) Been able to overcome this crazy, hormonal broodiness?
b) Been able to coax a loved-one round to the idea of starting a family?!

Any thoughts/advice/experiences would be hugely appreciated!!

WhatMadBusLady wrote.

I've seen women both on here and in my real life circle get into a protracted and drawn out financial and legal mess by remaining unmarried when the couple decide to split up. The woman in such cases seem to come off far worse. Too late they realise that they have no legal protection at all and hardly any rights in the event of separation (particularly in the event they are not named on the mortgage and or title deeds). Common law has no meaning in this country and the law regards such couples as two separate individuals. What is his is his and what is hers is hers.

Have you ever discussed marriage with him babyready and if not why not?. You certainly do not need to half bankrupt yourselves to have a nice wedding. I would also say that vague talk of parenthood does not establish a future together either.

Oddly I think in the absence of shared debt (a mortgage) marriage could be a huge difference in this case. DP and I are not married, but are very intertwined iyswim. We've committed to a mortgage together so splitting up would be non-trivial.

I'm on the other side of things OP. I'm 32 and was open when we met about not wanting children particularly (we were 21). DP and I are finally due to get married (nothing to do with the DC issue) and I have asked him what would happen if he suddenly wanted children at 40. He answered 'It would probably be too late for us, but we could try. I'm not interest in pumping you full of hormones.'

Point is, I actually asked him often, because he was 21 when we met. I could still get it wrong on many levels (unless I suddenly get broody in next two years).

Is he wiling to commit to a relationship with a broad timeline (because it can take a while) and the intention to have DC? You're renting, you're not married or even engaged, so while he may be a lovely chap (and I hope he is), the potential is there to string you along, as I think you called out in your OP.

I would have stalled my arse off at 28 if (now) DH had started putting pressure on me to have a baby.

I was not even a tiny bit ready.

I had my first baby at 32.

I don't think at his age he's unusual to not be quite ready for kids.

But I do think if it's what you want soon then a serious chat is in order, and now. It's a bad idea to wait around if you aren't 100% sure that he will want them.

I also don't necessarily think its too risky waiting until 35. Not ideal timing maybe from a fertility point of view but having a family past that age is very possible! I didn't meet my DH until I was 33, we married when I was 35 and our DS was born when I was 36. We plan to have another too, hopefully!

Living in the 'now' may be charming in a bf OP, but in a husband-father role it could become really tiresome...

My DH, at 28, wasn't ready, I was... we discussed it and he wasn't ready. He didn't say never he just said not right now. I waited, I knew he was the man I wanted to spend my life with and I understood he wasn't saying never so I waited. At 32 he said he was ready and could we try to have a baby. My DS is now 3 and we are all very happy.

Have a talk, if he's saying never, then I would leave him, because if children are important to you, you will grow to resent him and you will always regret. If he's just saying not right now, set yourself a deadline and wait. You both have to be ready, having children turns your life upside down.

It is so hard I think when same age as DP or older (as I am).

I have made it abundantly clear that his age range and mine are not the same and that if he does want DC, we would probably have to have them before either of us think we're truly ready. DP might grow up at about 40, but at 6 months younger than me, that is unlikely to work for children. My DM tried for years and had me only. OTOH DGM had kids into her 40s, but not first children.

DP thinks I belabour the point. I think that's good. I need him to understand what he's signing up to.

Oh and at 28 we'd already been together 10 years, we were in a long standing, committed relationship with our own home and he still wasn't ready.

Well may he think you 'belabour' Buggers, but two of my friends were infertile by the time they were 35, and if they had 'belaboured' earlier on they might have had kids...

I think it's a bit concerning that you're so wrapped up in wanting a baby that you can't focus on work.

Are you sure it's genuine broodiness, and not a subconscious way of wanting to escape work or boredom or something else you're not totally satisfied with?

Because if your partner has made it clear he's nowhere near ready yet, then there's really no point in dwelling on it. Trying to coax him is a bad idea.

I didn't have a baby til 38. Some people just take a long time to be ready! Obviously that wouldn't be ideal for you so you need to figure out how much of a risk you're willing to take.

What is the stuff he 'has to do' before kids by the way? Not that I am belittling that, kids do change absolutely everything.

My now DH had a 'thing' about being 30 before we got engaged/ TTC

If you really feel he's telling the truth and you're happy to wait, tell him you're willing to stick a pin in it for a couple of years.

But you need to TELL him exactly what you're thinking - that you're trusting him to be honest if at any point he decides he really doesn't want kids he must say, as it would be cruel to lead you on. Remind him about fertility declining and downs risk increasing and that you're not prepared to wait until 35 for those very real reasons which would affect him too. If he can't bend on that it's time to think about leaving.

It's a really tough conversation to have (been there, done that) and we were incredibly close to splitting at that point - he was pissing about waiting to be magical 30 while I was 32 and so broody it literally hurt to see babies.

Lucky for me it worked out, but you know your DP best and whether he's a good man who's worth the wait.

35 was our cut off for having our last baby, not the first. I had mine at 29, 31 and 33 and part of me wishes I had been able to have them sooner and closer together.

Also, are you broadly compatible in every other area besides this?

I ask because when I think about it, in every case where I know people with such widely different schedules for having kids, there were other really fundamental differences that were problematic (eg cautious vs carefree, career-oriented vs not)

I think it's totally plausible he just wants to wait a bit longer with the best of intentions.

I wouldn't have had a baby at 28 because my DH (fiancé at the time) was ready to. I certainly wasn't.

Of course there is room for compromise. You delay trying for a baby for a few years and he brings it forward for a few years.

Talking about it is the key, and making sure you are heading in the same direction in terms of when you have children, rather than if you have children.

If you are a committed couple then 35 is way too long to ask you to start ttc. There are many many women having babies in their late 30s and 40s but physically it can be much harder. If you are 30ish then fine, but really do not leave it too long. It took me 22 months, a mc and then a diagnosis of an underactive thyroid and now i am pg with our daughter. It has been a long hard Road and one I would not wish on any woman.

The problem is you simply don't know until you start ttc. You could conceive in 2 cycles or you could take 2 years and need to go down the ivf route. It may be worth checking out the conception forums to give you an idea.

What you can do is read up on ttc over the next couple of years and learn all you can about your body and your cycle. I'd recommend this book to give you a comprehensive understanding of how it all works even if you don't want to chart. I thought I was clued up but I had no idea. Good luck.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0091887585

As to getting him onside I can offer no advice but it's understandable that at 28 he's not ready. But he should understand the physical aspects and surely appreciate that 35 is late for a woman?

And to be honest there is never a 'good' time to have children. There will always be something he hasn't done. If he starts using that as a tired old excuse for the next few years then he is not the one I'm afraid.

And finally sorry yes some guys want a family. Dh was 27 when we met and was keen to ttc as soon as possible. It was me at 5 years older that resisted for a bit!

We had DS when DH was 29. Some blokes do want a family at that age, you can't generalise! We were married and had been together 5 years, mind.

I think it's perfectly normal for a 28 year old guy (or woman) to still feel too young for children. I'm 30 and DH is 31, our 1st is due in 7 weeks and we are still feeling that 'fear' our our lives/youth are now over

We got married about 11 months ago and our plan was always to TTC straight away though as neither of us wanted to leave it any later.

Hes 28 and getting on a bit. 37 is exceptionally old to start trying for either of you. Are you sure he even wants children at all?

Lots of people don't want a family that young. DP had his DD at 28 and he fully admits he wasn't ready for it. He's a committed dad and he's there for her, but the pressures of family life were a big reason why his relationship with his ex ended.

Now, though, he's ready. He wanted to TTC last year but we've agreed to wait until after we get married so we can have our honeymoon in Thailand and save up enough money to manage without having to struggle. So he'll be 34 when we start TTC, and around 35 when baby is born, assuming we have no problems. I'm younger, so I'll be 27 and that's fine with me, but I've been "ready" for a while.

He may well change his mind in a couple of years, but you need to have a frank discussion. Make sure you don't waste the next ten years on someone who keeps moving the goalpoasts.

28 for a man is not that young, my Dh was 27 when we started trying and he was very keen, I have plenty of friends that age having kids and they are mostly degree educated. I found preparing to get married was great and forced us to discuss the big important stuff like kids and finances etc so would recommend but wouldn't spend more than you can afford on the wedding. Anyway, we have now had two mcs, doesn't matter if you are young and healthy. Definitely would not wait til 35. I wish I had started earlier! Good luck

Lots of people (particularly m/c men) in this culture believe that it's important to have an extended adolescence - a time of no responsibilities, other than college/work, a high disposable income, freedom.

Hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts here, which are namely, that there can be really serious consequences to waiting until your mid to late thirties to start a family, and they're not remote. The rate of congenital birth defects goes up exponentially after a certain age. I had my first at 32, my second (because of difficulties conceiving) at 38, third at 39. My third has autism. I have so many friends who had babies in their late 30's/early 40's whose children have autism or other conditions (including Downs and other congenital birth defects). And I didn't meet them through special needs groups, I met them at the school gate (because some of our children are in mainstream school). I had no real idea how common birth defects and ASD are among the children of older mothers when I was planning my family.

At 30, 1 in 960 children has a chromosomal abnormality. At 35 it's 1 in 340, and at 40 it's 1 in 84. And I'm not sure these figures include for autistic spectrum disorders, which tends to be diagnosed in later childhood. There's a very significant leap in incidence of autism once the mother is 35 or over, compared to mid twenties. And one child in a 100 is now being diagnosed with ASD. You really need to think about, not just the age you will be when you have your first baby, but the age you'll be when you have your last, if you want more than one (and most women do).

So when people say 'I want to wait' you have to ask - 'why', and really weigh up just how important it is for them. If there are really serious considerations, like the stability of the relationship or massive career considerations that can't be got around, then that's obviously important, but if it's actually that you definitely want children with your partner, but you're not quite ready to give up lie ins at the weekend, or having a good disposable income, of at 28 you feel 'too young' () then you need to be realistic about what your extra few years of self-indulgence and emotional immaturity might cost you as a family in the longer term. Having a child with a disability is life-changing, and the risk of it happening are SO much higher in your mid/late thirties than they are in your mid/late 20's. And it's not a remote risk.

Would also want to add that having children in later life can really destroy your career, unless you continue at work through your child raising years, which can be super hard at a logistical level, obscenely expensive, or simply (as in my case) not do-able. There's a huge difference at breaking back into the labour market in your late 30's than there is when you're in your late 40's. There was some research recently showing that women in their late 40's have been disproportionately affected by the recession, that they lost their jobs in larger numbers and found it hard to break back into the job market than younger women or men, because employers were discriminating against them. Hence the number of women my age starting their own businesses.

Finally, want to add a note on health. Many women in their 40's are in robust health, but there is no getting around the fact that both major and minor health problems are much common in people in this age group. I had no health problems until I hit 43, but now I have thyroid issues (very common in women in their 40's) and problems connected with peri-menopause, which means my energy levels at 47 are really crappy. It's very, very hard juggling work and raising a family with three children (two in primary) when you are not in optimal health.

Sorry to be so negative, but I think you need to think realistically about the real pros and cons of waiting to start your family, as does your partner, who is currently thinking like a teenager.