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Original poster

Male needs advice on sex after childbirth...please help!

72 replies

Yanman · 07/03/2004 17:51

Hi there,I'm kind of new to these discussion boards so please excuse any mistakes,however I'm also new to parenting.I'm 27 and am in a relationship with a 26 yr old woman who has a beautiful two year old girl.I'm very happy and very much in love (aaaah!),however,our sex life is pretty much non-existent,I understand that sex after childbirth can be very difficult and that a woman's libido can lower quite dramatically and I try to be as understanding as possible and don't force the issue too much.I've tried initiating sex with my partner and she enjoys the foreplay and the attention I give her but nothing more.I have reached the point where I'm going to leave it alone and wait for her to come to me when she's ready.I just sometimes feel that she doesn't want me in that way anymore,she says she does but.........Basically am I doing the right thing by just leaving it or should I keep trying or am I being selfish?I just don't want her to feel that I'm pestering her or that she has to make love just to keep me quiet as it were.And I do love her very much and would never look elsewhere just for sex,she's the only one for me (rare these days so I'm told!)Any help or advice would be very very much appreciated.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 18:15

Hi yanman and welcome to mumsnet

I think you are right not to pester her, but at the same time I think she should be willing to talk about it. Have you spoken to her about your concerns?

zebra · 07/03/2004 18:18

Um... 2 years is a long time for post-childbirth fatigue to last.
Are you sure she's not just knackered from looking after her active toddler? In which case, anything you can do to help be a parent, help give her time to herself, let her go shopping by herself, let her sleep in some mornings while you mind child, would probably go down a treat.

collision · 07/03/2004 19:14

Would you be able to take her away for a romantic weekend somewhere? If you had some time together on your own then she might be willing to talk about it.

She might be scared of getting pregnant again or just exhausted. I think 2 years is a long time to still be fatigued and to be honest she should be at least willing to talk about it as IMHO she is being a bit unreasonable.

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:25

Thanks for the help.I have tried talking to her about it but all I get is 'I'm not in the mood' or 'I'm really tired' or something along those lines and to be perfectly honest she's not the type of person to open up and talk easily.I do help out as much as I can and her mother and grandparents look after the lil one quite often aswell.I'd like to think I'm as supportive as possible ie massages,rubbing her feet after a hard day,cooking dinner.I have questioned myself at times aswell.I can honestly say it's not that she doesn't 'fancy' me anymore but sometimes I wonder........Thank's again for replying so promptly!And the romantic weekend idea has been in my mind for a wee while now,it's just finding the time and money's a bit tight at the moment too (which probably won't help either)

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 19:26

i'll have ya if she doesn't want you yanman

twiglett · 07/03/2004 19:29

message withdrawn

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:29

aaaah! It's nice to feel wanted thanx spacemonkey

OP posts:
twiglett · 07/03/2004 19:29

message withdrawn

spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 19:30

Sorry but he sounds lovely!

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:37

Hi Twiglett,We met at work, about 6-7 months ago,(we don't work together anymore btw)just before dd's second birthday(early days yet I know)sex was never a major problem to begin with,once or twice every two to three weeks,which I was quite happy with, too much of a good thing and all that then the past month and a half nothing,zero,like I said she's perfectly happy with foreplay and the massages etc but that's it,sometimes feels like she's just teasing?!

OP posts:
twiglett · 07/03/2004 19:37

message withdrawn

Chinchilla · 07/03/2004 19:38

You're taken woman

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:39

now,now calm down lol

OP posts:
twiglett · 07/03/2004 19:41

message withdrawn

spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 19:42

Ah so you've not been together very long then? It is a really difficult situation, because you don't want to make a big deal out of it and thereby create stress and pressure, but at the same time you can't just leave it because that's not fair and leads to frustration and, ultimately, resentment.

Romantic weekend sounds a good idea to me. If nothing else it will give you some time alone together away from the call of chores and create a space in which you can talk.

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:47

The rest of our relationship is fine!We go out for walks,cinema,drinks,still hold hands doing the shopping,flowers etc all that mushy stuff(sorry,I'm a classic romantic).Talking about it doesn't get anywhere though, she get's quite defensive.I even tried explaining in a poem!which worked to a certain extent ie more kisses and hugs but not much else and no explanation....

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 19:47

Then if that doesn't work, I'll have ya

spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 19:48

SOrry to keep being facetious yanman, I will try to control myself.

Does she have a general tendency to be shy or inhibited about these matters?

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:48

"It is a really difficult situation, because you don't want to make a big deal out of it and thereby create stress and pressure, but at the same time you can't just leave it because that's not fair and leads to frustration and, ultimately, resentment." That's it exactly spacemonkey!

OP posts:
MrsCodswallop · 07/03/2004 19:49

My God what is wrong wihth you!! LOl at spacemonkey

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 19:54

erm...yeah spacemonkey, to a certain extent she is......except when we're out and her hands tend to wander.
And I would gladly be yours but my heart belongs to another

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 19:58

Oh dear this is going to sound terribly technical but is it just penetration she has a problem with? You say she enjoys the foreplay. Does she join in or are you doing all the doing?

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:00

I don't mind technical.....I'm doing pretty much all of the doing,she encourages it but not in 'that' way

OP posts:
Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:02

I can't seem to shake the 'Is it me?' feeling either which doesn't help if you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:03

I sound like such a whinger, sorry folks!

OP posts: