Male needs advice on sex after childbirth...please help!

[Yanman]

Hi there,I'm kind of new to these discussion boards so please excuse any mistakes,however I'm also new to parenting.I'm 27 and am in a relationship with a 26 yr old woman who has a beautiful two year old girl.I'm very happy and very much in love (aaaah!),however,our sex life is pretty much non-existent,I understand that sex after childbirth can be very difficult and that a woman's libido can lower quite dramatically and I try to be as understanding as possible and don't force the issue too much.I've tried initiating sex with my partner and she enjoys the foreplay and the attention I give her but nothing more.I have reached the point where I'm going to leave it alone and wait for her to come to me when she's ready.I just sometimes feel that she doesn't want me in that way anymore,she says she does but.........Basically am I doing the right thing by just leaving it or should I keep trying or am I being selfish?I just don't want her to feel that I'm pestering her or that she has to make love just to keep me quiet as it were.And I do love her very much and would never look elsewhere just for sex,she's the only one for me (rare these days so I'm told!)Any help or advice would be very very much appreciated.

Anyway I really do have to go now,again many thanks,you may not have put my mind at rest but I can honestly say you have been very helpful and it IS very much appreciated. xx

aaaaw... I wish I could give you all a big hug.......

Let us know how you get on yanman X

I don't think it's that uncommon for a woman to go off sex. When I got pregnant again that's what happened to me, ds is now 12 weeks old and I still haven't got my libido back. I do enjoy the caressing and attention, but I just don't want sex. The couple of times we have tried it just hurt, which has put me off even more. I know dh is frustrated, but I just can't seem to get myself in the mood at all and I don't want to have crap sex just to keep him happy.

Sorry I've no advice, just wanted you to know that it probably is a lot more common that you think and if anyone has a cure I'd be interested to know what it is!

Hi everyone.Just to let you know,I had a talk with my gf last night.She said she did still fancy me,if she didn't,she wouldn't be with me as she doesn't see the point in a relationship if there wasn't a physical attraction along with everything else (yippee!)However she's quite scared of the possibility of becoming pregnant again and me running off like lil bubs father did.She knows and understands that I'm not like that and would never do that to her ,but it seems to be a mindset she can't escape.She also had quite an abusive relationship with some complete *hole which I think might be a problem, though she hasn't mentioned that as an issue.So I guess I'm just going to wait it out and keep reassuring her that I would never run away from her or abuse her in anyway until she feels ready........

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Yanman, just thought I'd let you know that when I read your original post earlier, I did wonder if perhaps your gf is scared of getting pregnant again. Maybe it's something she couldn't face at the moment so she's being ultra-careful about preventing it. Still, if she's using reliable birth control, I don't see why it should be such an issue, but at the same time I can understand that she obviously doesn't want it to happen to her again.

I guess it will just take a while for her to become comfortable with things, and to trust you more perhaps. Best of luck, you sound really nice & understanding.

Hi Galaxy,Nic04,thank you for your kind words .It is a bit early in the relationship, though we have talked about having more kids when we're a bit more stable, financially aswell as emotionally.As for being ultra-careful I can understand that,as, from what I can gather the dad has another 5 or 6 kids with the same number of women,...not with any of them now and has nothing to do with his rather extended family,also I believe it was a momentary lapse of 'preventative measures' that brought the lil one into this world.Though I do think that if I was the kind of person to run away I wouldn't have gone into a relationship with her and dd.
I feel I should clarify aswell,the reason I posted here was because when I first spoke to her about it she claimed it was due to the effects of childbirth,but I had an inkling it might have been something else (she's not a good liar btw )and obviously not knowing very much about that subject I tried here....and I'm glad I did.

God Nic04 - you are really insightful - that would never of crossed my mind!!!

Can you help at all by wearing a condom maybe as well as using what ever method of birth control she usually uses, take some of that burden off of her???

this thread has had me grinning at all you girls responding to this lovely sounding bloke. calm down lol.

maybe double up on protection would help the situation, no not 2 jonnies but maybe contraceptive pill/implant/injections plus jonnies. and just lots of reassurence and taking it slowly. its good she has finally opened up to you about her fears, but now u have to conquer them. best of luck.

btw also know a bloke with 4 or 5 kids with 4/5 number of women, some of the kids only have about 4months age gap. and his my age!!!!!!!! (23).

Yanman, I had two children with my ex, we never married, and I didn't think it important at the time. Then he dumped me and left me to bring them up alone, an 'unmarried mother'. I did'nt much care about it from a religious point of view but as a legal and social situation, it couldn't have been less fun.

When I met my dh neither of us had planned on marrying. I knew he was the one very quickly, but he kept talking about having a child with me and being with me forever, but did not mention marriage. I was surprised at how much this upset me, and it didn't take long for me to work out that now I had met the right person, I did want marriage before I would even think about having another child. Once he realised this, we talked and sorted it all out. We had a fairly long engagement, so we didn't rush things, but we had a plan and we were engaged, so I felt safer and also valued for the first time in my life.

13 months after our marriage we had a baby, and we are still very happy now three years later.

I am just telling you all this because I am thinking your girlfriend might be afraid of not only becoming pregnant, but of being left an unmarried mother with two children by different fathers. This is not a situation one wants to be put in, and even if the possibility is only slight, I can understand her concern.

I was tired of being used as a breeding machine and dumped (not that I'm accusing you of that, of course). I wanted someone to get things in the right order, love me, win me, marry me, then have a baby with me, because I needed that value placed on my life by my dh before I was prepared to fulfil all his wishes.

If you love each other, perhaps she would like you to talk about the future, possibly marriage, and help her feel a little safer?

We have discussed using a condom in conjunction with the pill (here's another one that'll shock you,it was MY idea )but she's not very keen at all.As for marriage,we have discussed it quite openly,it feels right (to be honest it felt right within the first week!)and we do want to get married. It's just going to take time and lots of understanding and talking things through more,which should be a lot easier now!........ I'm perfectly prepared to wait for the woman I love....(blush )

Misdee-"also know a bloke with 4 or 5 kids with 4/5 number of women, some of the kids only have about 4months age gap. and his my age!!!!!!!! (23). "---I'm a bloke (duh! obviously),and even I don't understand why some of us can't take responsibility for our actions!

Janstar-I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that but you sound very happy and contented now,and just think If he hadn't left, you may never have met your husband!.But we are/have been doing exactly as you suggested.

Janstar - thas just how I feel about DP - just got to get divorced and hope he will ask me to marry him on the quick before this one comes along

Hi yanman, glad you talked to gf and that it was constructive Why isn't she keen on using pill/condom though?

Jeepers Yanman you sound almost as wonderful as my dp! I too sometimes don't feel like making love for days on end, which can be hard on dp. When we met I had a very high sex drive, but his is higher than mine! We have been together 6 years and I had PCOS before I met him. After the initial love-fest period passed (about 6 months!) I didn't feel the need to make love as often, much to his despair! There are two reasons for this. One is that he is the best lover EVER and I am satisfied every time (many times!) and therefore have no pent up angst! Secondly, because my hormones are all over the place and I have a low oestrogen level, this leads to vaginal dryness. That in turn makes me sore, and we get a cycle of sex, sore, off sex, get better, sex, sore and so on. I adore my dp and he is a sexy hunky man to boot! Sometimes it's hard, when you are loved so entirely and you feel so comfortable, to not become a little complacent. Anyway, I think you have done the absolute right thing and you appear to be getting to the bottom of things. Just make sure there is no thrush (are you suffering for an itchy/sore/red/split penis? No shame in thrush by the way!) which can be sorted over the counter by the chemist. Carry on the good work!

Twinkie The thought about pregnancy sprang to mind mainly because I feel a bit the same way myself - I'm married, but I had a very unpleasant pregnancy and then a lot of PND after my son was born, so I suppose pregancy would be at the bottom of my wish list as well, lol.

Yanman when you said she is not keen on the contraception idea (pill/condom), do you mean she is not taking the pill at all? This is more speculation of course - but one of my best friends is Catholic and she does not believe in any form of contraception at all. She's married with two kids but I can't imagine that they have sex very often, because she definitely doesn't want any more children and I seem to remember her telling me that they just use the "rhythm" method, or simply abstain from sex at the more risky times of the month. Which wouldn't make sex very pleasant if you're worried about getting pregnant all the time. But of course, this may have nothing to do with your gf - perhaps the pill just doesn't suit her for one reason or another.

Just another thought - when she said that it was "childbirth related", perhaps it could be true in a sense, if she had a really horrific birth. You never know, it could have affected her that way especially if she fears that she might get pregnant again - it might make her a lot less likely to want regular sex. Just mere speculation again though.

Sorry Nic I wasn't very clear,she does take the pill but no other contraceptive measures,as for not wanting me to use a condom SM she says she enjoys sex more without.
Apparently she did have quite a difficult labour,a very,very,very,very long time before dd made an appearance.She also said it's very difficult as she still feels the birth is still quite vivid in her mind?.I want to help her more for herself aswell as me,It's just very difficult to get her talking,I try not to get angry or upset but,it's becoming difficult,not so much the lack of sex but the effort in getting her to open up more and talk more also.
Oh and BeckiF---No thrush except the one singing in the garden

It seems to me that she's petrified of getting pregnant. But if that's the case a bj or similar is a pretty good alternative?

Mr Yanman, where do they produce such fine young men as yourself??!! All you're saying is precisely what any woman would like to hear and no men ever says. I hope you're not one of the ladies here under false pretences... Joking aside, my personal advice is that you try and clearly reassure your young lady (with words and actions) that all you really want from her at the moment is just a lot of closeness but without the actual penetrative sex. Try and spend lots of time with her on your own just being close to each other (lots and lots of nice talking, kissing, touching etc) and be comfortable with each other. I know it's hard for you (my god, it's hard for a woman let alone a bloke) but in my experience women appreciate this sort of things. Playing hard to get usually gets a woman mad about sex (mind, not all women and personal situations must be taken into account, so i can't guarantee this would be ideal for you). If you love each other and she'll learn to trust you even more, she'll come around. And if she's worried about getting pregnant again, definetly use a condom .there's a gel i can't remember the name of, hopefully some of the other people here would know, you can buy from the chemist and she could use perhaps might help but you have to ask the chemist if it affects the quality of condoms when used with them. I thing it's called JY Jelly, i really can't remember. welcome to mumsnet and thank you for being such a breath of fresh air with your sincerity and kind nature

KY jelly that is - i've remembered

HI Yanman, I was hesitant to join in as I raraly have sex with my husband and I love,adore,respect and fabncy him in every single way - I couldn't ever be with anyone else but for some reason I just don't ever want sex. Its like I don't have the urge to at all and its embarassing to admit as I don't know why at all as I used to when we first met (we have been together 6 years and its been this way for the last 4 years).

I atended counselling and certain issues have been raised that can be related to my attitude towards sex and sometimes problems can be so deep rooted that its not an obvious link - your body shuts off that side of feelings and I can happily cuddle and kiss and stroke my husbnad and do on a daily basis and i love body contact but to take it any further makes me shut down and back off - he is brilliant just like yourself and would never leave me or moan at me about it but sex counselling can help although i apreciate money is tight but Relate might help, the only problem is approaching your partner with this suggestion as some people take offence to the suggestion of counselling. Good luck as it seems like my own relationship, it is the only part missing.